Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

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  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    ORIGINAL POSTERS SAID:
    Thank you everyone for your supportive comments.
    I'm going to end this thread by answering a few repetitive posts.
    and then some other stuff.

    Let the thread die. You don't have time to read 18 pages.
  • thavoice
    thavoice Posts: 1,329 Member
    Hi everyone,
    this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive! :/ He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
    His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
    I need help! I need to get fit!
    I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.
    lose the weight to turn him on then leave him.
  • beautifulwarrior18
    beautifulwarrior18 Posts: 913 Member
    Screw him. Honest or not, he's the one that planted the seeds to make you give birth to 4 children. Having babies makes you gain weight. Tell him he should have thought of that before he decided to have children. *kitten*.

    As far as tips on losing weight. Drop the guy that's making you feel ****ty about yourself. Being skinny isn't going to make you love yourself but being around people who value you and let you know your self worth will.
  • Your initial post was about how to lose weight. Your follow-up comments revealed that he is emotionally abusive to you and your children. And oftentimes, emotional abuse is the precursor to physical abuse.
    However, reading through your comments it sounds like you’re fine with being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

    You state: I know if i were to drop the weight i'd be out of his league... maybe you're right, this could be his way of diminishing my self-confidence in order to keep him on a pedestal. (WARNING BELLS!)
    Then you state: He actually hates being told "You knew what you were getting yourself into" his response is, "i just wished it was you and me" (WARNING BELLS!)
    Then you state: He thinks so highly of his beliefs, its very difficult to change his pov.
    Then you state that “I do agree we need help... but i don't think he will change any.”
    THEN you state: an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter…. yes, only because they bare his last name.
    HUGE WARNING BELLS!

    Then you state: I thought this was funny, because he describes himself as a psycho and i've called him a psycho bf before
    Then you state: “his views are insane, but he will learn to be open minded”
    Then you state: I will do this for myself and my kids. *kitten* what he thinks because even like this i can still turn heads.

    Then you state: children come first! always! I'm a package deal and hes fine with that. Hes finally said that he will step up Then you state: “Anywho, all other matter can be dealt with with some therapy maybe or (a good slap in the face) a good talking to”

    Then you state: “We are working through it, I've expressed my concern about my kids. I don't want a toxic environment for them and he's agreed to be a better father figure”

    I almost didn’t even respond to this post, because of the back and forth you are having with yourself. You don't seem like you want an outsider's opinion, however I had to comment. Your main responsibility is the safety and wellbeing (mentally, physically, and emotionally) of your children, and yourself.
    I hope you’re honest with yourself. Are your babies in a loving, accepting environment? You are the one who controls the environment in which they live. Is it a safe one? Is it a happy one? Do they feel accepted? Do they feel like second-class citizens?

    Any man worth his weight in salt would NEVER try to diminish your self-esteem! That is not healthy, it's controlling, and his way of making you feel helpless, like you're unworthy of love and admiration. Believe me, I've been there. And I thank God I made it out alive.

    You’ve acknowledged that the situation is toxic, and his views are insane, but for some reason you think that “he will learn to be open minded,” and finally, “you don’t think he will change any.” The truth is that people don’t change. Emotionally abusive people certainly don’t change for the better. They change for the worse. I speak from experience, as do so many ladies here. Please at least be honest with yourself. If he isn’t accepting of your children, and hasn’t been, you talking to him isn’t going to change his opinion. His views are his views. Simple as that. He resents your kids, and most likely always will.


    I am now blissfully engaged to a man who has a daughter from a previous marriage. I adore that little girl, and I treat her as she is my own. I can't imagine being any other way.

    Sorry for the longwinded response. I love kids, and I hate to think of innocent little babies in a situation where they are not loved and made to feel safe, secure, loved, and accepted. They can't change their situation. Only you can.

    Your posts really do make me feel nauseous. I truly hope you get yourself and your babies out of this situation! If you need to talk or advice or whatever please feel free to message me.

    ETA: I completely left out the part that he has issues with your asymmetrical breasts, and your "down there" area. You said you want to have surgery to make corrections, and he wants you to get a boob job ASAP.

    I've lost 3 cup sizes with my weightloss. My honey hates the thought that I do not love my body, even with my smaller breasts. He does not want me to get surgery to replace the ones I lost. He tells me he loves me for me, and boobs or no boobs, I am beautiful and he loves my body. He’s been there through thick and thin, literally. He has loved me at every stage. He has told me I am beautiful, at every stage. He has SHOWN me that he loves me and finds me attractive, at every stage. There are good men out there, and I hope you find one who loves you for you. I really really do. You are a beautiful woman, and I hope you see that, no matter what your body looks like, you are beautiful.
  • Varcolaci
    Varcolaci Posts: 15
    Have to love that. He's a bad person and doesn't love her now because he isn't as physically attracted to her while obese as he was when she was in better shape. Wow. Just demonize anyone who tells the truth, sure. Why can't he still love her but want her to be healthy and sexy too? The guy who says that he thinks you are just as good looking when you are fat is a liar. Sorry. You're not. And you are lying to yourself, and he is lying to you, and both practices are emotionally and psychologically unhealthy.
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,331 Member
    Have to love that. He's a bad person and doesn't love her now because he isn't as physically attracted to her while obese as he was when she was in better shape. Wow. Just demonize anyone who tells the truth, sure. Why can't he still love her but want her to be healthy and sexy too? The guy who says that he thinks you are just as good looking when you are fat is a liar. Sorry. You're not. And you are lying to yourself, and he is lying to you, and both practices are emotionally and psychologically unhealthy.

    Looks like you haven't read through the previous posts (or at least one one right above yours), this isn't an issue of physical attractiveness, it's an issue of abuse, immaturety and child endangerment.
  • beautifulwarrior18
    beautifulwarrior18 Posts: 913 Member
    Have to love that. He's a bad person and doesn't love her now because he isn't as physically attracted to her while obese as he was when she was in better shape. Wow. Just demonize anyone who tells the truth, sure. Why can't he still love her but want her to be healthy and sexy too? The guy who says that he thinks you are just as good looking when you are fat is a liar. Sorry. You're not. And you are lying to yourself, and he is lying to you, and both practices are emotionally and psychologically unhealthy.

    Despite that a boyfriend's job isn't to tell you you're fat. It's to tell you he loves you and that you're beautiful. If you aren't going to love me at my worst, you don't get me at my best. And putting me down by telling me I'm not attractive is not loving. Sorry.
  • Selee1987
    Selee1987 Posts: 32 Member
    Reading all these comments really opened my eyes.
    I'm such a bad mother for putting him first without realizing i was doing it.
    I wasn't seeking marital advice... but dang guys, i'm glad it came out that way.

    I had a conversation with him not too long ago.
    I asked him "why do you say you're a psychopath?"
    he replies "umm idk.... because i like to cause pain"
    ............... -_- wtf, who says that!!
    no way i want that near me or near my kids! omg!

    and yea... i'm dropping the bomb on him when he gets home from work.
    I'll have everything ready for him so he can take off without a hassle.

    Im still not gonna give up on my weight loss though.

    Thanks again everyone.

    ps.. roll off! lol
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    Wow! Do you have family for support? What about church? I wish you and your children the very best.
  • kloving70
    kloving70 Posts: 2 Member
    The first thing you have to fix is in your last sentence. Nutrition, what you eat is the number one thing. My advise is, log everything that you put in your mouth. And learn to weight and measure everything you eat.

    Most people give up because they over do it. Going from McDonalds and pizza`s everyday to, broccoli and turkey and going to the gym can be over whelming. So take baby steps, it can`t and won`t happen over night.

    But the good news is, there is people here that has lost huge amounts of weight, find them, talk to them, they will help you!

    Best of luck.

    This is the most important thing....I have lost a lot of weight in the last 20 years but have never kept it off since I go from fast food to chicken and broccoli with no inbetween...this time I am learning to eat fast food (on occasion) and family meals (kid friendly - pizza, spaghetti etc) while keeping within my calorie range...it is harder to do but in the long run I will be happier and more successful.

    Good luck!
  • jrrhodes0913
    jrrhodes0913 Posts: 5 Member
    He is a moron.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,209 Member
    Really, people?
  • Tawny0528
    Tawny0528 Posts: 1
    My husband just told me the same thing Friday night. I've been really heartbroken the last 2 days, but it has motivated me. What really bothers me is my husband was sort of cruel the way he said it, yet he has been overweight almost his entire life. I have not, and I've had 2 kids. I am going to try to get back into shape; but he doesn't feel he should have to diet or exercise with me. It's really hurtful especially since losing weight has become harder the last few years. My metabolism changed at 30; and I'm on 2 medications that make you gain as a side effect.

    Any tips?
  • PunkyDucky
    PunkyDucky Posts: 283 Member
    Reading all these comments really opened my eyes.
    I'm such a bad mother for putting him first without realizing i was doing it.
    I wasn't seeking marital advice... but dang guys, i'm glad it came out that way.

    I had a conversation with him not too long ago.
    I asked him "why do you say you're a psychopath?"
    he replies "umm idk.... because i like to cause pain"
    ............... -_- wtf, who says that!!
    no way i want that near me or near my kids! omg!

    and yea... i'm dropping the bomb on him when he gets home from work.
    I'll have everything ready for him so he can take off without a hassle.

    Im still not gonna give up on my weight loss though.

    Thanks again everyone.

    ps.. roll off! lol


    Those two sentences in bold worries me ^^^
    Please seek back-up from family, friends, law enforcement, a church, a neighbor...anybody before expressing your feelings!

    Stay safe!:flowerforyou:
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
    Really, people?
    i know.
    seriously.gif
  • kimberlyblindsey
    kimberlyblindsey Posts: 266 Member
    @ tihi1 You could not be more wrong. Someday you will find someone you really love and it will not matter what they look like. If you were married to someone and they were the light of your world and they were burnt in a fire do you think you would look at them and say "that person is not physically attractive"? No, you would not see the flaws in their physical form because that is love. If it were not for that sort of love men would always chase 20yr olds and never stay married for 50yrs to a woman who looks old much less continue to have a sex life. Do you think every 40yr old man out there looks at his wife and pictures some 20yr old just so he can get it up? Do you look at your significant other and picture some hunk in your head? Real lasting physical attraction is a product of love, not a calculation based on the symmetry of a person's body. I love my husband and he is sexy to me, he is not Bratt Pitt or the average girl's idea of hot but he is perfect to me because I love him. When you love someone you stop calculating symmetry when you look at them.

    I agree with you completely and I know this post is done now, (since some things have since been revealed) but there will be more like hers as I'm sure there were those before with the same issue, but when you love someone and you see all of the good in them inside and out and now that I've been with my husband for 17 years this July, I value his heart and generosity so much more than when I was younger.
    Sure chemistry is important in the beginning and physical attraction should continue, but let's face it life gets in the way and physical attraction waxes and wanes, but the love and support are what's left at the end of your lives together.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    My husband just told me the same thing Friday night. I've been really heartbroken the last 2 days, but it has motivated me. What really bothers me is my husband was sort of cruel the way he said it, yet he has been overweight almost his entire life. I have not, and I've had 2 kids. I am going to try to get back into shape; but he doesn't feel he should have to diet or exercise with me. It's really hurtful especially since losing weight has become harder the last few years. My metabolism changed at 30; and I'm on 2 medications that make you gain as a side effect.

    Any tips?

    What will motivate you once (if) your husband stops making sh***y comments to you? And no, he doesn't have to diet or exercise with you.

    Advice? Get some codependency therapy.
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    @Tawny
    I find Sonic's comment rude.

    The brain is actually wired to focus on the negative to keep us alert of danger. However, the brain can also lie to you. Focus on what is positive in your life. Keep a daily log of 3 things that you are proud of, or grateful for or why you love your husband. Ask him to do the same and you'll both see positive results.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    @Tawny
    I find Sonic's comment rude.

    The brain is actually wired to focus on the negative to keep us alert of danger. However, the brain can also lie to you. Focus on what is positive in your life. Keep a daily log of 3 things that you are proud of, or grateful for or why you love your husband. Ask him to do the same and you'll both see positive results.

    Wow, so she should be his emotional punching bag and just concentrate on nice things? I guess she can focus on how she's lucky that he doesn't beat her or do drugs. There's always that.
  • brittaney0625
    brittaney0625 Posts: 268 Member
    Good luck. Hope it ends safely.