Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

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Replies

  • jrrhodes0913
    jrrhodes0913 Posts: 5 Member
    He is a moron.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
    Really, people?
  • Tawny0528
    Tawny0528 Posts: 1
    My husband just told me the same thing Friday night. I've been really heartbroken the last 2 days, but it has motivated me. What really bothers me is my husband was sort of cruel the way he said it, yet he has been overweight almost his entire life. I have not, and I've had 2 kids. I am going to try to get back into shape; but he doesn't feel he should have to diet or exercise with me. It's really hurtful especially since losing weight has become harder the last few years. My metabolism changed at 30; and I'm on 2 medications that make you gain as a side effect.

    Any tips?
  • PunkyDucky
    PunkyDucky Posts: 283 Member
    Reading all these comments really opened my eyes.
    I'm such a bad mother for putting him first without realizing i was doing it.
    I wasn't seeking marital advice... but dang guys, i'm glad it came out that way.

    I had a conversation with him not too long ago.
    I asked him "why do you say you're a psychopath?"
    he replies "umm idk.... because i like to cause pain"
    ............... -_- wtf, who says that!!
    no way i want that near me or near my kids! omg!

    and yea... i'm dropping the bomb on him when he gets home from work.
    I'll have everything ready for him so he can take off without a hassle.

    Im still not gonna give up on my weight loss though.

    Thanks again everyone.

    ps.. roll off! lol


    Those two sentences in bold worries me ^^^
    Please seek back-up from family, friends, law enforcement, a church, a neighbor...anybody before expressing your feelings!

    Stay safe!:flowerforyou:
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
    Really, people?
    i know.
    seriously.gif
  • kimberlyblindsey
    kimberlyblindsey Posts: 266 Member
    @ tihi1 You could not be more wrong. Someday you will find someone you really love and it will not matter what they look like. If you were married to someone and they were the light of your world and they were burnt in a fire do you think you would look at them and say "that person is not physically attractive"? No, you would not see the flaws in their physical form because that is love. If it were not for that sort of love men would always chase 20yr olds and never stay married for 50yrs to a woman who looks old much less continue to have a sex life. Do you think every 40yr old man out there looks at his wife and pictures some 20yr old just so he can get it up? Do you look at your significant other and picture some hunk in your head? Real lasting physical attraction is a product of love, not a calculation based on the symmetry of a person's body. I love my husband and he is sexy to me, he is not Bratt Pitt or the average girl's idea of hot but he is perfect to me because I love him. When you love someone you stop calculating symmetry when you look at them.

    I agree with you completely and I know this post is done now, (since some things have since been revealed) but there will be more like hers as I'm sure there were those before with the same issue, but when you love someone and you see all of the good in them inside and out and now that I've been with my husband for 17 years this July, I value his heart and generosity so much more than when I was younger.
    Sure chemistry is important in the beginning and physical attraction should continue, but let's face it life gets in the way and physical attraction waxes and wanes, but the love and support are what's left at the end of your lives together.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    My husband just told me the same thing Friday night. I've been really heartbroken the last 2 days, but it has motivated me. What really bothers me is my husband was sort of cruel the way he said it, yet he has been overweight almost his entire life. I have not, and I've had 2 kids. I am going to try to get back into shape; but he doesn't feel he should have to diet or exercise with me. It's really hurtful especially since losing weight has become harder the last few years. My metabolism changed at 30; and I'm on 2 medications that make you gain as a side effect.

    Any tips?

    What will motivate you once (if) your husband stops making sh***y comments to you? And no, he doesn't have to diet or exercise with you.

    Advice? Get some codependency therapy.
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    @Tawny
    I find Sonic's comment rude.

    The brain is actually wired to focus on the negative to keep us alert of danger. However, the brain can also lie to you. Focus on what is positive in your life. Keep a daily log of 3 things that you are proud of, or grateful for or why you love your husband. Ask him to do the same and you'll both see positive results.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    @Tawny
    I find Sonic's comment rude.

    The brain is actually wired to focus on the negative to keep us alert of danger. However, the brain can also lie to you. Focus on what is positive in your life. Keep a daily log of 3 things that you are proud of, or grateful for or why you love your husband. Ask him to do the same and you'll both see positive results.

    Wow, so she should be his emotional punching bag and just concentrate on nice things? I guess she can focus on how she's lucky that he doesn't beat her or do drugs. There's always that.
  • brittaney0625
    brittaney0625 Posts: 268 Member
    Good luck. Hope it ends safely.
  • etremoi53
    etremoi53 Posts: 45 Member
    First of all, losing weight after rocketing up and down in weight after having multiple pregnancies and then trying to balance taking care of children and keeping your husband happy and your marriage intact is a tough thing to do. I have been married 23 years and had three kids so I know something. I have gone through some of the same tough conversations and had feelings hurt too and I have some health issues that make exercise and losing weight more of a challenge. I am still not where I want to be weight wise. My advice is to prioritize your health and to do the best you can. Show your husband what you are doing to change. Acknowledge his feelings. Tell him how he can help you to succeed. (Not buying certain foods that derail you, going on walks with you.....) Hopefully your husband will see you working on exercise and diet and be more supportive and encouraging. I don't think your efforts will succeed long term without his being part of your team.
  • _Thriving_
    _Thriving_ Posts: 29
    I'm just curious because your profile reads that you have a "boyfriend" not a "husband"......... hmmmmmm
  • RosanaRosanaDana
    RosanaRosanaDana Posts: 93 Member
    Not sure why you shared your husbands feelings with us. I find it hard to believe anyone would find his "honesty" to be "admirable."

    I find how honest he was, and how she took his honesty to be very admirable.

    Should he have lied?

    He shouldn't have even gone there. Now she's gonna go try and lose weight, might fail, and there he will be with his honesty and it will be her fault that "he's not attracted to her."

    What isn't right is to infer that he or she is at fault. No doubt she asked him and he answered her. Did she like what she heard, probably not but it motivated her to take action.
    I have dealt with weight issues for years and I'm sure my husband would like to see the girl he married again. Yes, I am doing this for myself, my health but a GREAT BIG part of it is for him. I love him enough to want to be as pleasing to his eyes as he is to mine.
    What if she fails?
    Well, like that's not happened before. You just pick yourself up and start again. Keep trying and she will succeed just as I will and many here have.
  • janeenjohnson39
    janeenjohnson39 Posts: 3 Member
    I agree with Shelz18. You have to love yourself and do it for you. It's not easy because I am fighting the same battle as many of us on here are fighting. One wants to feel desired by our partners and it hurts and does little to the self esteem when the one you love does not desire you in a way that you need to be but you have to take it as motivation and fight.
    I have discussion about my health with my boyfriend, he's always honest with me and although it's hard to hear that you need to work on something , his approach is always filled with love and care. Honey I love you , you're beautiful, smart , sexy and I want you to be around for longer . We have to work on getting you healthier and he points out that he points out his flaws and let me now he's there to support me . I discuss what I do and what I've tried and he gives me his suggestion but it's all from a place of love. Not everyone knows how to address these matters to someone they cared about so I wouldn't jump the gun and think he's mean or doesn't love you. Just use the pain to motivate you. I try to think of heart disease , cancer and all major health risks that I don't want to have . Just make conscious decisions, one day at a time. You will fail sometimes but get up and try again . The fact that your husband finds you unattractive that should be part of your motivation but it should be mainly for you or else you're gonna give up if it is just for him . I hope things work out for you and there is a community of supportive people here for you .
  • munky_do
    munky_do Posts: 40 Member
    I had a EX-boyfriend 5 years ago who, when I was 15 lbs overweight, confessed to me that the first day we met, he had been turned off by the size of my thighs. Ouch.
    I started working out every night after work, and I did it for ME. In 5 months, I had lost the weight and I have to confess, I did look good. He even finally told me. Seems like a victory for him, right?
    But the damage had been done. Over that time, the resentment just grew. I lost any interest in him, and I put an end to the relationship.

    Guys, there is nothing nice about saying that you find your wife or girlfriend unattractive. I have never told a man I thought his belly was too fat, or he had a bit too much jiggle on his thighs, even if I did recognize that it was unhealthy. Instead I ask if they want to go play frisbee outside, or come for a walk, or a hike, or a bike ride.

    It's not the same as telling someone that you think a colour they're wearing doesn't suit them. That can be changed easily. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have pushed out 4 kids and be told that you're just not "attractive" anymore. That's harsh.

    EDIT: whoa, I just the posters' latest post... yikes... glad you're getting the hell away from that craziness.
  • Odinisgod
    Odinisgod Posts: 46 Member
    The only reason a man would say that to his SO if he was no longer in love with them (or never was). It's just not possible to feel that way about someone you're in love with, let alone voice it. Unfortunately, men have a tendency to sabotage relationships they want to get out of, so they don't have to be the one that "ended it." Divorce is hard, but is also extremely cathartic and should not be considered a negative thing.
  • ruthejp13
    ruthejp13 Posts: 213 Member
    @Tawny
    I find Sonic's comment rude.

    The brain is actually wired to focus on the negative to keep us alert of danger. However, the brain can also lie to you. Focus on what is positive in your life. Keep a daily log of 3 things that you are proud of, or grateful for or why you love your husband. Ask him to do the same and you'll both see positive results.

    Wow, so she should be his emotional punching bag and just concentrate on nice things? I guess she can focus on how she's lucky that he doesn't beat her or do drugs. There's always that.
    she asked for tips
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    @Tawny
    I find Sonic's comment rude.

    The brain is actually wired to focus on the negative to keep us alert of danger. However, the brain can also lie to you. Focus on what is positive in your life. Keep a daily log of 3 things that you are proud of, or grateful for or why you love your husband. Ask him to do the same and you'll both see positive results.

    Wow, so she should be his emotional punching bag and just concentrate on nice things? I guess she can focus on how she's lucky that he doesn't beat her or do drugs. There's always that.
    she asked for tips

    And I said therapy for codependency
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    Reading all these comments really opened my eyes.
    I'm such a bad mother for putting him first without realizing i was doing it.
    I wasn't seeking marital advice... but dang guys, i'm glad it came out that way.

    NOT a bad Mom, people get blind to situations that they are in. I am sorry if I ever seemed harsh, but this guy just rang every alarm bell I had. He is dangerous.
    I had a conversation with him not too long ago.
    I asked him "why do you say you're a psychopath?"
    he replies "umm idk.... because i like to cause pain"
    ............... -_- wtf, who says that!!
    no way i want that near me or near my kids! omg!

    This sounds like he tortured small animals as a child, WTF is right. Good call on getting your kids and self away from him.
    and yea... i'm dropping the bomb on him when he gets home from work.
    I'll have everything ready for him so he can take off without a hassle.

    I am a little late with my reply....I think you may be underestimating this guy, many times people like this do NOT just leave when told. You need a backup, security of some kind and/or buffer. Kids out of the house at friends or family, and someone or police with you when you ask him to leave.
    Im still not gonna give up on my weight loss though.

    Thanks again everyone.

    ps.. roll off! lol

    I wish you the best, and your weight is for you.....this is a great community even if some of us don't always come off as the nicest.... We normally mean well. Please do post, so we know you are OK.


    NOW ROLL!!!!
  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 9,302 Member
    I'm just curious because your profile reads that you have a "boyfriend" not a "husband"......... hmmmmmm

    But obviously not curious enough to actually read much of the thread - that comment has been addressed many times already.
  • LumberJacck
    LumberJacck Posts: 559 Member
    This thread is like the Energizer bunny - it just keeps going and going and going...
  • DigitalDiana
    DigitalDiana Posts: 157 Member
    OP I think your BF/man is negative and mean...unfortunately a site like fitness pal can't help him. (He probably needs therapy).
    Alot of people put others down to make themselves feel better.

    Work on the weight IF you want to. Don't put up with his BS, there are PLENTY of good guys out there who love people for who they are. And BTW he won't change unless he wants to...so do it for you, and if he continues to find fault with you then reconsider your and your children's emotional needs and move on to find someone who will treat both you and your children like gold....life's too short to do it any other way!

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