How do you handle tantrums?

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

Look, I'm not going to get in to the developmental theory here because when it comes to this topic because it is very much a case by case basis, but by your own description, you're confusing spanking with hitting, and there's a big difference.

I don't think truly small children see a difference, even with light spanking.

True, they need to have a certain level of theory of mind for spanking to be an effective consequence, but depending on the temperament of the child it is one of a variety of tools that *can* be employed effectively.

My parents used reasoning to the best of their ability, but when I *reasoned* that it was ok to climb on a chair to get to the candy in the top cupboard because they had only told me not to climb on the counter, well.......

All kids are rules lawyers. Now with your example if your parents had told you that you had to ask for candy, and sometimes the answer would be "no" I think you'd've been better off.

Edited for [ img ] derp.

All kids are rules lawyers. Now with your example if your parents had told you that you had to ask for candy, and sometimes the answer would be "no" I think you'd've been better off.

Edited for [ img ] derp.

HA! I just would have made sure they didn't catch me getting it anyways. I knew exactly what they *meant* when they told me not to climb on the counters, but I wanted candy and they weren't in the room. The chair was just a CYA in case I got caught so I would have a defense ready.

Did I mention both my parents were IN law school at the time, and were taking me with them to classes....

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

How is that any different than putting them in a corner or taking away their toys for the day? They did something wrong and now you're going to do something to them that is going to really suck. It's the same thing.

Is there a difference between getting a traffic ticket and having a cop punch you in the stomach? They both suck, they're both negative consequences, and they're not the same thing.

In other words, I don't have to walk a mile in your shoes to realize that your laces are untied.

You cannot compare shoelaces to the behavior of a child. That's absurd.

You cannot look at how a child is behaving in one instance and assume you have any insight into that child's overall behavior, and you cannot use a child's behavior in one instance to judge parenting ability. There is far too much information that you are lacking, and this prevents you from coming to any reasonable conclusions.

You DO have to either be a parent or have some other credible source of information pertaining to child development (like a degree or excessive experience with other people's children, maybe) in order to have any useful opinion/information to share in this discussion.

That was a metaphor.

Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.

That was a metaphor.

Yeah, I get that. It was a really bad one.

Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.

Ignoring is doing something, which you actually point out in your suggested list of actions. Right before "start handing out earplugs". Contradict yourself much?

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.

As I told another poster in this thread, "I don't think truly small children see a difference [between spanking and hitting], even with light spanking."

Simply to answer the topic question - Dont have kids.

I work retail, so I see parents ignore meltdowns so often that I want to shake them....the parents that is, for talking on their cellphone instead of calming their children, and for giving me a bloody headache! That said, I read an article once where the approach to meltdowns is to talk to the child in "toddler-speak". As in small sentences to help the child express how they're feeling, and to resolve the issue on your end. I have to find that article, but I intend to try that approach when I decide to spawn a young one of my own.

Also, I don't believe in spanking, no matter what age. It's ESPECIALLY wrong to spank an 18 month old baby who doesn't understand what the spanking is about. Meltdowns happen because their brains are rapidly developing and well, it's kind of like a computer processing too much information at once. They're feeling things and don't know how to express what they're feeling properly.

That was a metaphor.

Yeah, I get that. It was a really bad one.

Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.

Ignoring is doing something, which you actually point out in your suggested list of actions. Right before "start handing out earplugs". Contradict yourself much?

What I wrote was, "... find something that works... if ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that." In other words, my first comment was that it won't work., and yet you (and others) claim that I don't know what I'm talking about. If that is true, and if you really do know what you are talking about, then do it. If it works, then do it. If you do it and it does not work, then I'm going to give you the death stare. I'm conceding that if ignoring the tantrum works, then for God's sake, do it! If you know more than I do, and you can get it to stop, then get it to stop. It doesn't matter how, use the tool that works. If ignoring it doesn't work, then I'm going to be upset that you brought your brat kid out to the store while I'm trying to shop and then I'll be upset again when it appears you won't deal with it when it's throwing a fit.

So what I'm saying is: You changed my mind. Originally, I thought there was no way that ignoring a tantrum would work. You've convinced me that it is a viable option, in some cases, with some kids. I'm a reasonable person, and can be persuaded with reason. I don't think that means I'm contradictory... it just means that I'm flexible.

You have to let the tantrum run its course. Ignoring isn't going to immediately stop the child from throwing the tantrum, they're in hysterics at that point. Which means I'll be ignoring it to prevent future tantrums, meanwhile you'll think I'm doing nothing and judge my parenting skills based on your assumptions. My response to your insistence to "do something" is to quickly remove the child from the situation, which I already stated. That would likely fit your expectations, but it's not always possible to take that action immediately.

I happen to think that you should just avoid as much as possible being around children and mind your own business.

Simply to answer the topic question - Dont have kids.

Yes, that is the best choice. It's too late for the OP for that... so let's help her not make a second poor choice and bring her mayhem-causing kid out into the world where the rest of us must live also.

*By the way, if a grocery store that did not allow kids were to open in my neighborhood, I would shop there... even if the prices were 15% higher.

GRUMPY GRUMPY!!:noway:

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.

As I told another poster in this thread, "I don't think truly small children see a difference [between spanking and hitting], even with light spanking."

There is a lot of training that can be accomplished without a spanking, for sure. And there is something accomplished by a spanking that nothing else can do! As for the age of the child, certainly not an infant, but when they get up into toddlerhood, it might need to happen! I had one daughter who rarely needed any correction, it was amazing. She is still like that...super cheerful, busy doing what she's supposed to, super active. The rest have all needed some here and there, but by the time they get to about 4-5yo, it's a rare for them to need one.

What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?

I work retail, so I see parents ignore meltdowns so often that I want to shake them....the parents that is, for talking on their cellphone instead of calming their children, and for giving me a bloody headache! That said, I read an article once where the approach to meltdowns is to talk to the child in "toddler-speak". As in small sentences to help the child express how they're feeling, and to resolve the issue on your end. I have to find that article, but I intend to try that approach when I decide to spawn a young one of my own.

Also, I don't believe in spanking, no matter what age. It's ESPECIALLY wrong to spank an 18 month old baby who doesn't understand what the spanking is about. Meltdowns happen because their brains are rapidly developing and well, it's kind of like a computer processing too much information at once. They're feeling things and don't know how to express what they're feeling properly.

As I said above, I would agree that for this age range, spanking isn't the way to go. I can also respect a personal belief that spanking is never the way to go, for you (similar to choosing veg***ism). I'll go strait up a wall when comments go to judging parents who *do* choose to spank.

I work with high school age students and up, I've seen the results from parents who do spank and parents who never spank, BOTH can have their issues, but to be perfectly honest, I see more problems coming up in kids who never received a spanking vs. kids whose parents make the contentious decision to include spanking in their child's discipline.

Honestly, I think it's very similar to the dietary arguments you see on here often. No-spanking is fashionable right now, as a disciplinary technique it CAN be done quite effectively, BUT there are a lot of parents who have just been told it's *wrong* to spank their children without ever being educated on what would be an effective alternative....

No joke, I have had to sit parents down in parent teacher conferences and explain to them what their rights are concerning their child and their ability to discipline them. They are 100% convinced that ANY attempt to enforce discipline could result in having their child removed from the home.

What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?

I threw hot coffee in my mother's lap when I was three because she wasn't paying attention to me. By the age of six if my parents failed to convince me with their reasoning, then clearly I knew better than them and could ignore whatever they told me to do. I regularly DID ignore what they told me to do, throughout early elementary school. I wandered through the woods by myself, snuck out of the house, pretty much did what I wanted if I thought I could get away with it. The ONLY thing that made me think twice was getting a spanking, I HATED that and not even really because it hurt. My parents tried time out etc. when I was little, I just got up and left if I was angry enough, so what were they supposed to do then? Physically hold me down?

Look, I get it, I really do. I think for probably 95% of kids no spanking works. It certainly did with my brother, he hated being in trouble. It just didn't work with me.

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.

As I told another poster in this thread, "I don't think truly small children see a difference [between spanking and hitting], even with light spanking."

There is a lot of training that can be accomplished without a spanking, for sure. And there is something accomplished by a spanking that nothing else can do! As for the age of the child, certainly not an infant, but when they get up into toddlerhood, it might need to happen! I had one daughter who rarely needed any correction, it was amazing. She is still like that...super cheerful, busy doing what she's supposed to, super active. The rest have all needed some here and there, but by the time they get to about 4-5yo, it's a rare for them to need one.

What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?

You might try other means to correct, doesn't work, give them a spanking on the next occurrence and they get the lesson (for example).

How about leaving her at home with your husband or partner? If that is not an option distract her with a toy you brought with you from home. If all else fails...leave. Then again, see my first comment, leave her at home, and shop quickly and effectively without your child.