My fiance keeps gaining weight !
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Maybe you should start making his meals. Cook for him and only cook what you know you both need to be eating. Ask him to take a dance class with you or a karate class, something you two will have fun doing together so it doesn't feel like exercise to him. Do NOT nag him or be passive aggressive with him. Don't let junk food come into the house. Make sure most things you make for dinner you actually have to get up and make, no just something you can pull out of the fridge and snack on. If you do have things to snack on make it be fruit, vegetables, or low calorie snack foods. You need to sit down and calmly express your concern about him being overweight and that you are worried he is going to get some kind of overweight related disease and that one day in the future you want him to be able to keep up with your future child or children, not lounge on the couch all day eating food. He has to think not only about himself but about his future.
That's just my opinion though. I hope everything works out for you; but you shouldn't become unattracted to someone so easily. If you love him and have loved him enough to marry him one day what he looks like should not matter. If he got into a car accident and had something happen to his face would you leave him because of that? My boyfriend has gained weight since we have been together as well as I have been losing weight and am ALMOST at his weight now. I haven't become more or less attracted to him in our three years of dating and I never will. Even when he is old, fat, and bald or grey. He is mine and I'm always going to love him, that's how you should feel towards the man you love. Be attracted to his soul/personality/morals not his body.0 -
When you bring up someone's weight to them, you're not telling them anything they don't already know. Overweight people know they're overweight, even if they try to bury it and ignore it, they still know.
My husband is 180 lbs and I'm 250 lbs. We're the same height. I used to be 160 before I went to law school, took the bar exam and had two kids in 15 months. Do you think my husband brought up my weight when I was pregnant, or even now? He's seen me at my thinnest and my biggest and has loved me no matter what - that's what truly accepting someone for who he/she is means.
I agree with the others, it sounds like you have way bigger problems than your fiancé's appearance and maybe you should start by evaluating how you're handling this and what you could and should do differently.0 -
mz_getskinny wrote: »**In sickness and in health**
Before you take those vows, you need to be honest with him and yourself. If you truly aren't attracted to him and he doesn't want to remedy the situation, then you have to do whatever it takes to make you happy.
However, if you flipped it around, how would you feel if you gained weight and he didn't find you attractive anymore? It's easy to say you would just jump on the weight loss train and fix it....BUT would that really be the case? Or would you be more depressed because you feel like you've failed your future spouse? You need to think hard about this and tread lightly. I'm sure he's already feeling bad about himself and you don't want to make it worse.
I'm with Mz getskinny. Although some of the society has taken marriage lightly, before making that step- you really do need to be honest and have this discussion with him. If he is not on the same path you are about this and y'all aren't married... now is the time to figure out if you're in a situation that is overall healthy for you. Good luck.
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »LOL@the flags being thrown in here.
If only there was a positive flag we could flip too...
...and if only the negative flags actually did anything.
What is the flag button for ?btw
Currently, I think the flag button is just to give us users the illusion of effectiveness. Perhaps one day it will be an integral part of our forum experience.0 -
JeriAnne84 wrote: »HotMamaInWorks wrote: »JeriAnne84 wrote: »PrizePopple wrote: »
Agreed. You talk more about how he isn't attractive anymore than his health. Seriously break it off with him if you don't find him attractive anymore and are upset that he has gained weight. It will save you both money on a divorce in the future because chances are, he might gain more after getting married because a lot of married couples gain weight.
Also, he's probably going through some emotional stuff as well and you nagging him about his weight and working out isn't going to help, only piss him off and probably make him eat more. People will change when they want to and no amount of nagging will fix that.
Thank you for posting this...so very true!
Umm I don't why you are getting touchy about this. If I am no longer attracted to someone that they gained weight then I cant help it. I clearly stated in my question that he used to be obese when he was younger and it seems like he is heading that way. I am concerned because I care about this person.
where is this anger coming from? did you eat too many cookies and cant lose weight? Well don't take it all out on me.I work hard to stay in shape and I will dammed if my SO let themselves go to a point were their health are at risk and they are no longer attractive
I'm not angry, you're just being kind of a crappy person to someone you supposedly love and I'm pointing that out to you. You're being very selfish. You want him to get in shape so you can like looking at him again.
And no I didn't eat too many cookies and can't lose weight, as I said before, I'm not angry, I just think you are being super crappy to him and want him to fit your needs instead of just loving him for him.
I don't think that's crappy. It's a reality. I can tell you right now my BF would get way more tail if he was in shape. I love him- and I'm still with him- and will continue to be with him- but he isn't as sexually appealing to me as he could be- and it's 100% his choice and he knows it- I have done my best to help without nagging- and he finally said stop nagging me (which I totally gawffed at because compared to anyone else- I was absolutely NOT nagging) whatever- he said I don't want your help- so I dropped it.
- Completely.
Tough titties for him- he just doesn't get laid that often- which sucks for me- sucks for him- but it's his choice- I'm not going to sit here and pretend it's all about his health- yeah I wish his health was better- I know what his dad looks like-and it aint pretty and I already told him if he got that way I was gone- but reality is-he'd get way more a&& if he wasn't so damn squishy.
That's on him.
I don't think it makes you a crappy person wanting to be sexual attracted to your partner- especially at a really young age- I mean come on- that's what 18-25 is all about.-3 -
No its not crappy to want your partner to be sexually appealing to you, but when you go about it the way she has and flat out say, "I work hard to stay in shape and I will dammed if my SO let themselves go to a point were their health are at risk and they are no longer attractive" that's pretty crappy. Expecting someone to look a certain way just because you do is not only crappy to do to the other person, but unrealistic. At least you brought it up and let it go when he asked. He's had weight issues in the past and he has gained a lot and it's probably a sign that he is going through something in his life and coping with food. Instead of nagging him and being self centered that he isn't physically appealing to her anymore, maybe she should ask him if he needs to talk about anything and get anything off his chest then help him through it or be there for him while he deals with things. Be a decent future wife and communicate. She worked hard for her body, good for her, but she can't force him to make changes and she shouldn't and she needs to back off of him and either accept how he is and love him the way he is or move on. He will change when he wants to and nagging him will make things worse for both of them. She also needs to learn that people change in appearance and will over the course of their life and needs to deal with that because even if she dumps this guy, the next one will change too and she can't expect him to stay in tip top shape for his whole life because I bet she doesn't stay the same size her entire life.
Also I agree with the people who said this thread would have blown up if it was a guy talking about a girl. There's a post somewhere around here where her boyfriend or husband is making remarks about her being overweight and everyone is calling him an @$$hole for saying it, and he is, but people are sticking up for this chick here even though she has said that he, "He now has a big gut and I am no longer attracted to him." Not sure if she has blantanly called him fat to his face, but can you imagine what he would feel like if he did join MFP and saw this post? He would be hurt. And if a guy posted saying he expected his wife/girlfriend to stay a certain size, s*** would hit the fan real fast.
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Hmmm tricky. My husband has supported me and made it clear to me he is still attracted to me despite my weight gain over last few years. That said he has made lots of comments about my weight and since Ive lost some is far more receptive physically so its obviously made a difference to him. But did his comments help me lose weight? Not a damn bit. I did it when *I* was ready and not before.
My hubby is also overweight though not to the extent I am. I choose not to bring it up too often (once or twice when he pushed the limit of my weight too far but otherwise I keep schtum) as I dont think he will change until he is ready to and will probably never want to join a gym like I have. So I make small changes, keeping fizzy drinks out the house, meal planning for the week and choosing healthy options I prepare for all four of us, encouraging outdoor activities on family days. He's lost a little weight through this and I hope that and what i am doing will motivate him but if not I figure every little bit is better for his health and in the meantime my exercise and weight loss trip is for me to travel not because I am scoring points against my husband0 -
I remember reading somewhere that a drop of about 30 pounds approximately = one extra inch "revealed"...uh...where it counts. Maybe you can find that written somewhere in a fitness article or magazine and "accidentally" leave it open on the counter where he'll definitely see it.
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HotMamaInWorks wrote: »RunningMyPugandPapi wrote: »I remember reading somewhere that a drop of about 30 pounds approximately = one extra inch "revealed"...uh...where it counts. Maybe you can find that written somewhere in a fitness article or magazine and "accidentally" leave it open on the counter where he'll definitely see it.
wow...feel sorry for you S.O., too
I feel sorry for anyone who has no sense of humor. Yikes, lady.-1 -
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I don't think it makes you a crappy person wanting to be sexual attracted to your partner- especially at a really young age- I mean come on- that's what 18-25 is all about.
I agree. Sex is important. Weight doesn't impact my attraction as much as it does to my husband's but does that mean he's "wrong" or a bad person? No. He still loves me and has sex with me when I'm heavier (and/or pregnant) but doesn't find me as attractive and that's understandable. Now if he tells me in 10 years that he's no longer attracted to me because i'm old, we'll then we have issues because I can't change that, and he'll be even older.0 -
HotMamaInWorks wrote: »his weight, his eating problems...not yours. Only worry about you.
since I sleep with the person and going to marry this person then his weight is my business and my concern
Quite true. But perhaps you should rethink the getting married part for now. Seriously, don't enter into a marriage if you're not attracted to the man any longer. I don't think it's vain at all. If it really turns you off, things are only going to get worse and you'll just make HIS life miserable too.
But by all means, be honest with the guy. Some people will say that you love them 'no matter what'. Sure, you love them. But you don't have to like their bad habits and forevermore hold your tongue about how you feel.
Couples should be completely honest with each other about their expectations about their future lives together.
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Love him for who he is, not what he looks like! Handsomeness at all sizes!
Oh, it doesn't apply to fellas? That's a bit sexist, isn't it readers?
There are guys who complain about the same thing about their significant other. Not really sexist. It's just some people can be superficial.
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »Love him for who he is, not what he looks like! Handsomeness at all sizes!
Oh, it doesn't apply to fellas? That's a bit sexist, isn't it readers?
You get it.
Can you imagine how this thread would play out if the OP was male and posting about his girlfriend/fiance?
[dumpsterfire.gif]
Actually there are guys who do say those types of things. There are plenty of online sites of guys being jerks about women's looks. It's just that some people are superficial.0 -
This 100% I think that when you are comfortable in your relationship you need to work on keeping yourself looking good if not better not worse. People need to keep in mind that our looks are part of what attrackted the other person to begin with.You can't force someone to change their habits. They need to do that on their own. If you're no longer attracted to him because of this reason, then you need to be honest with him about it.
It's not uncommon for people to gain weight when they feel comfortable with their relationship statis. It's funny how when people split up, that they become more concerned about their weight and how they look more seriously.
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when I met him he was 175 lbs but now he is up to 250 pounds. He used to be obese when he was younger and I am concerned he might be heading the same path. He eats big potions of food, eating out of boredom and little to no exercise since we moved in together. He now has a big gut and I am no longer attracted to him. I tried suggesting myfitness pal and invite him to the gym but he gets angry when I bring up his weight.
Anyone ever been in this situation?
I havn't ,but if I were this is what I would be doing if they didn't listen
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You're not married yet, and probably shouldn't be, so there's time to rethink the engagement. He may not be the right guy for you. Find someone who shares your lifestyle values and you'll be happier in the long run.
ETA: My advice would be the same, regardless of gender.0 -
When one party in a relationship changes significantly, you may need to reevaluate things.when I met him he was 175 lbs but now he is up to 250 pounds. He used to be obese when he was younger and I am concerned he might be heading the same path. He eats big potions of food, eating out of boredom and little to no exercise since we moved in together. He now has a big gut and I am no longer attracted to him. I tried suggesting myfitness pal and invite him to the gym but he gets angry when I bring up his weight.
Anyone ever been in this situation?
You can't make yourself become attracted to a fat body, so be glad you're not yet married.
Only you can make this decision.
Good Luck!
PS: This is my take regardless of gender; what's good for the goose is good for the gander...0 -
Change what food you have in the house. Stop buying easy to make things and have portions of chicken and rice all ready to go in the fridge. People like to grab things and just eat so give him some good things to grab and eat not processed junk and candy/chips.0
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Accept him at whatever weight he is, or let him go so he can find someone who will. Then, he might just go to the gym.
Yes, the people we love may not care about being healthy in every respect. You have to let them live their lives, though, at some point. It is an effort in futility to change people into the way you want them to be; that change has to come from within them. Without any internal motivation, your external motivation may be motivating him in a way you never intended. It may just reconfirm he is a failure in his mind.0 -
HotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »kimberlianne1985 wrote: »Change what food you have in the house. Stop buying easy to make things and have portions of chicken and rice all ready to go in the fridge. People like to grab things and just eat so give him some good things to grab and eat not processed junk and candy/chips.
he's not a child and she's not his mother...he's a grown man and can eat whatever he wants.
Ya but if she is the cook of the house and he doesn't put forth the effort to cook or go shopping then this is a good option. Doesn't always work as cheap fast food is pretty accessible outside of the home but...
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JeriAnne84 wrote: »HotMamaInWorks wrote: »JeriAnne84 wrote: »PrizePopple wrote: »
Agreed. You talk more about how he isn't attractive anymore than his health. Seriously break it off with him if you don't find him attractive anymore and are upset that he has gained weight. It will save you both money on a divorce in the future because chances are, he might gain more after getting married because a lot of married couples gain weight.
Also, he's probably going through some emotional stuff as well and you nagging him about his weight and working out isn't going to help, only piss him off and probably make him eat more. People will change when they want to and no amount of nagging will fix that.
Thank you for posting this...so very true!
Umm I don't why you are getting touchy about this. If I am no longer attracted to someone that they gained weight then I cant help it. I clearly stated in my question that he used to be obese when he was younger and it seems like he is heading that way. I am concerned because I care about this person.
where is this anger coming from? did you eat too many cookies and cant lose weight? Well don't take it all out on me.I work hard to stay in shape and I will dammed if my SO let themselves go to a point were their health are at risk and they are no longer attractive
I'm not angry, you're just being kind of a crappy person to someone you supposedly love and I'm pointing that out to you. You're being very selfish. You want him to get in shape so you can like looking at him again.
And no I didn't eat too many cookies and can't lose weight, as I said before, I'm not angry, I just think you are being super crappy to him and want him to fit your needs instead of just loving him for him.
I don't think that's crappy. It's a reality. I can tell you right now my BF would get way more tail if he was in shape. I love him- and I'm still with him- and will continue to be with him- but he isn't as sexually appealing to me as he could be- and it's 100% his choice and he knows it- I have done my best to help without nagging- and he finally said stop nagging me (which I totally gawffed at because compared to anyone else- I was absolutely NOT nagging) whatever- he said I don't want your help- so I dropped it.
- Completely.
Tough titties for him- he just doesn't get laid that often- which sucks for me- sucks for him- but it's his choice- I'm not going to sit here and pretend it's all about his health- yeah I wish his health was better- I know what his dad looks like-and it aint pretty and I already told him if he got that way I was gone- but reality is-he'd get way more a&& if he wasn't so damn squishy.
That's on him.
I don't think it makes you a crappy person wanting to be sexual attracted to your partner- especially at a really young age- I mean come on- that's what 18-25 is all about.
I think I like you.0 -
At least you have a fiancé.0
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JiaoHotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »veganbettie wrote: »HotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »kimberlianne1985 wrote: »Change what food you have in the house. Stop buying easy to make things and have portions of chicken and rice all ready to go in the fridge. People like to grab things and just eat so give him some good things to grab and eat not processed junk and candy/chips.
he's not a child and she's not his mother...he's a grown man and can eat whatever he wants.
Ya but if she is the cook of the house and he doesn't put forth the effort to cook or go shopping then this is a good option. Doesn't always work as cheap fast food is pretty accessible outside of the home but...
I won't say what I want to say about the OP...just suffice to say...HE needs to leave the relationshipHotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »veganbettie wrote: »HotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »kimberlianne1985 wrote: »Change what food you have in the house. Stop buying easy to make things and have portions of chicken and rice all ready to go in the fridge. People like to grab things and just eat so give him some good things to grab and eat not processed junk and candy/chips.
he's not a child and she's not his mother...he's a grown man and can eat whatever he wants.
Ya but if she is the cook of the house and he doesn't put forth the effort to cook or go shopping then this is a good option. Doesn't always work as cheap fast food is pretty accessible outside of the home but...
I won't say what I want to say about the OP...just suffice to say...HE needs to leave the relationship
I am sure this lady husband is fat and weighs 400 pounds judging for her answers.I takr care of myself and I expect the same in a partner.I don't see anything wrong to encorage my partner to be healthy.Just to be clear things up, I didn't call him fat to his face.All I did was suggesting Myfitness pal and gym and he got angry.I don't thing its acceptable to let yourself go just because you are in relationship and expect your partner to be still attracted to you.He used to be obese when he was younger .He will end up back where he started if he is not careful.Just because you woudny care if your SO let themselve go doesn't mean we have to be like you
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You need to seriously evaluate where you are with him. You are not going to change him and I guarantee you, what you see now is what you will see later. I for one enjoy sex and let me tell you when they get older and out of shape, their physical stamina is not what it could be. No one wants to have to wait why they heft a gut to find their business (total turn off)!0
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I don't see anything wrong to encorage my partner to be healthy.Just to be clear things up, I didn't call him fat to his face.All I did was suggesting Myfitness pal and gym and he got angry.I don't thing its acceptable to let yourself go just because you are in relationship and expect your partner to be still attracted to you.
Okay, straight up. No moralizing about superficiality or not. The reality? This isn't the guy for you. Move on.0 -
It is ok if this is a deal breaker for you. In truth, to me it means that you don't have a real solid relationship if you cannot get past this. If I was this turned off before marriage I would never consider marrying the person.
Marriage is a "for life" situation and both parties have to grow around each other. That could mean a myriad of things. If you really love the person then you can get over, accept and look past more things. Lots of things can go sideways- injury, medical crisis, etc. If you are bonded to the person, and not the wrapping, you will be able to weather the problems that arise easier.
It is ok to say that this man isn't for you. Move on and keep looking for someone that fits the mold you are looking for.
I love my husband, more today than I did eleven years ago. Has he always maintained the same level of weight and fitness as the day we got engaged? No. I do not care. I love HIM. The person under the wrapping is the man I married. During the last eleven years he has been heavier and thinner, more fit and less fit, etc. He has gone through lay offs, new jobs, college education, buying homes, selling homes, promotions, starting our family, etc. I have weathered it all with him.
I am thankful that we have the type of relationship that we do. Because, let me tell ya- I do not look exactly the same as I did eleven years ago. 2 kids in 14 months, breast feeding around the clock, working full time as a high school teacher, etc. I let myself go a bit... because for a while there I was just treading water- taking care of everyone but myself. Now life is a bit more stable I am carving more "me" time out and losing weight, getting more fit, etc.
Life is a storm and it takes a really strong marriage to weather it if you are going to stay together.
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I am currently having a weighty issue with my husband. It's got nothing what so ever to do with what he looks like, I'd find him sexy as hell if he was 100lb heavier than he is, but it's more to do with a health issue he has, which is exacerbated by carrying too much additional weight. I've tried every possible hint at subtly, been making him pack lunches, dragging him over the gym with me, tried straight talking (i.e really worried about your crazy blood pressure etc). Nothing seems to get through for more than 5 minutes. He'll be respectable for a few days and then boom, he's right back on the over eating/under exercising.
I personally think OP has two issues:
1. Your problem, which is that you no longer find your SO attractive. Life is about ups and downs so if you can't love him at his worst, then should you really be marrying him? Is this no longer finding him attractive thing an escape route for not marrying him? It's okay if you discover that someone isn't the person you thought they were, or to fall out of love with someone. Look at it this way, if you guys aren't right for each other then it's much better to end things before an expensive wedding and then divorce are required.
2. His weight has gone up almost 50%. You don't say how tall he is, but I'm assuming that he's put on 75lb from a 'normal' weight rather than underweight. That's not a normal behavior in a short space of time. It sounds to me like more than the 10-30lb 'happy' weight gain lots of couples put on. There is almost certainly an underlying issue there. He is going to need help, especially if there is no signs of it letting up. Unless he is willing to talk to you about it then your options are limited in terms of helping. All you can really do is be as supportive as possible, which is what I am trying to do in the face of my husband being a heart attack risk and constantly scoffing his face with all the wrong things.
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