I got my feelings hurt.
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That's right Lasmartchika. It wasn't from some random stranger. It was from my husband who knows that I am sensitive when it comes to body issues and should be telling me I'm beautiful no matter what.
The part where he said that his ex didn't have problems is a red flag that he was going into the insensitive, no-filter zone. Sorry that you felt bad, but I trust you know your way around a relationship and these things happen. Try not to hold onto it too long!
It sounds like now you are worried of what he thinks of your tummy where you weren't so worried before. So, ask him if it's an issue for him. That kind of question could be scary for both parties, but it's better to air things out sooner than later. If he is a decent man who loves you and is attracted to you no matter your "flaws", you shouldn't have anything to worry about. And I hope that is the man you married!
Not necessarily - I could easily see the conversation going something like:
OP: <something about lipo/surgery for my loose belly skin>
Hubby: Where did that loose skin come from?
OP: What do you mean where did it come from? I had kids! (assuming that explains all)
Hubby <puzzled>: I had kids with my 1st wife, and she didn't have loose skin ...
He may not have meant it to compare the two bellies as far as good/bad goes, just that he didn't connect having kids with the mother potentially having loose skin afterwards since it didn't happen in his previous experience.0 -
Perhaps some of you are right and perhaps I overreacted. That being said, I've let him know that his comments hurt and he is very, very apologetic and assures me that he loves every bit of me. Thanks you all.0
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pinklotus_56 wrote: »Yes. He and I had the discussion about me wanting to have a tummy tuck. He is supporting me having it done and not so supportive of me not having it done. Does that answer your question?
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But has he said he isn't supportive of you not getting a tummy tuck? That's not cool. It's one thing for him to agree with you about it, and support you in doing it...but being unsupportive of you not getting a tummy tuck is a different story.
Actually unless I'm reading what she wrote really wrong then he *IS* supporting her in wanting a tummy tuck.
I'm honestly not sure how it went from talking about a procedure, him agreeing with it, and then OP getting butthurt. Over one question that we have no context for. I'm sure there was more leading to him asking the question. Perhaps in the past OP didn't have as much of a visible mommy pooch (just squishy mom belly like I currently suffer from), and her husband doesn't get how it got worse by losing weight. Frankly those who do not have a problem with excess skin don't necessarily fully understand that it doesn't always just vanish because of diet and exercise.0 -
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Maybe what he said wasn't wrong, or jerky...but that doesn't mean her feelings can't be hurt. Sorry, I'm not quoting one specific person, I saw a few comments about not having thick skin. Some of us just don't, especially when it comes to certain topics.0
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mrsdenno82 wrote: »Case in Point. I am married to the biggest, bearded, mossy oak wearing, *kitten* scratching, tabacco spitting, lifted jeep driving, hunting, fishing, gun shooting, cussing, greasy t-shirt wearing man God has had the nerve of creating. He is also extremely sensitive to my feelings and very complimenting.
But, he did NOT come out of the box like that. There was assembly required. It took time and communication. People don't read minds. You should tell him exactly how it made you feel. No yelling, try not to cry and explain it clearly.
You might be surprised.
Amen, sister. This sounds like my daddy (minus the jeep). My husband is a work in progress. You hit the nail on the head, though, people don't read minds. They don't know what will hurt your feelings, and what won't, if you don't tell them. You've got to communicate and explain to them, what's hurtful, and why, as best you can without the screaming and yelling. If you do cry, it is ok, but trying to do so as calmly as possibly will get the best results for both sides.
My husband as I were raised very differently with what I consider very different "cultural norms" so to speak. What I consider absolutely rude, with lack of common courtesy and manners, is considered normal to him, and in his family or where he's from. Where I'm from, and how I was raised, people would glare at you, and it would be considered rude to act/reply in such a manner. We had to come to a common ground on things and really work through them.
I do my best to be sensitive to his feelings, and things that matter to him, and when he does/says things that are hurtful to me, I speak up.
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Seriously. She's human, and her emotions are valid. Not everyone is the same, and some people are sensitive. I can't believe the lack of empathy I see on here sometimes.arditarose wrote: »Maybe what he said wasn't wrong, or jerky...but that doesn't mean her feelings can't be hurt. Sorry, I'm not quoting one specific person, I saw a few comments about not having thick skin. Some of us just don't, especially when it comes to certain topics.
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laurenjill wrote: »
Seriously. She's human, and her emotions are valid. Not everyone is the same, and some people are sensitive. I can't believe the lack of empathy I see on here sometimes.arditarose wrote: »Maybe what he said wasn't wrong, or jerky...but that doesn't mean her feelings can't be hurt. Sorry, I'm not quoting one specific person, I saw a few comments about not having thick skin. Some of us just don't, especially when it comes to certain topics.
Yeah...I just imagine if my boyfriend brought up my cellulite. He wouldn't be the biggest jerk ever for doing it. Would it make me feel a little sad to hear him mention it? Yes. Would I move on? Yes.0 -
So then why even bother having the conversation if a simple comment that isn't offensive is going to hurt her feelings. Why even talk about the tummy tuck? What you're basically saying is that the OP's husband would be wrong no matter what he says.arditarose wrote: »Maybe what he said wasn't wrong, or jerky...but that doesn't mean her feelings can't be hurt. Sorry, I'm not quoting one specific person, I saw a few comments about not having thick skin. Some of us just don't, especially when it comes to certain topics.
Wait? What? No, I said he possibly didn't do anything wrong-but it doesn't mean that her feelings can't still be hurt. That's all.
Maybe I missed something about the original conversation they were having together? I dunno.0 -
arditarose wrote: »
So then why even bother having the conversation if a simple comment that isn't offensive is going to hurt her feelings. Why even talk about the tummy tuck? What you're basically saying is that the OP's husband would be wrong no matter what he says.arditarose wrote: »Maybe what he said wasn't wrong, or jerky...but that doesn't mean her feelings can't be hurt. Sorry, I'm not quoting one specific person, I saw a few comments about not having thick skin. Some of us just don't, especially when it comes to certain topics.
Wait? What? No, I said he possibly didn't do anything wrong-but it doesn't mean that her feelings can't still be hurt. That's all.
Maybe I missed something about the original conversation they were having together? I dunno.
She's the one who brought it up because she is the one who wants the surgery. All he asked was how she ended up with the extra skin.
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mistypile wrote:He proceeded to ask me how I got all that excess skin on my belly. I was so hurt and I cried.
YAY!I've let him know that his comments hurt and he is very, very apologetic and assures me that he loves every bit of me
At 5'4", going by BMI you should be 110 - 140. So you're at a healthy weight already. Stay steady with the calories, increase your weightlifting to tone up all over. Oh, and drink enough water.Apparently his ex-wife didn't have any problems rebounding after 2 kids ...
I was over 180 at one time and got down to 120
http://www.shapeup.org/bmi/bmi6.pdf
That being said, I'm down almost 60 lb myself and am not having any problem with loose skin.
Everyone's different.
I'd (generally) prefer that my S.O. (when I have one) be honest with me.should be telling me I'm beautiful no matter what
LOL! I like the way you think.how did you handle issues when he asked you questions that made you sensitive in the past?
handle it the same way. therapy, a nice talk, beheading0 -
laurenjill wrote: »
Seriously. She's human, and her emotions are valid. Not everyone is the same, and some people are sensitive. I can't believe the lack of empathy I see on here sometimes.arditarose wrote: »Maybe what he said wasn't wrong, or jerky...but that doesn't mean her feelings can't be hurt. Sorry, I'm not quoting one specific person, I saw a few comments about not having thick skin. Some of us just don't, especially when it comes to certain topics.
(*) (*) (*) (*) (*)
That did deserve five stars. And no, not for a "mean people" post, or throwing out there, "oh, MFP is just full of meanies!" But it is true, compassion and empathy does go a long way. My skin is as thick as a crocodile's scales. I need to get out the ol' Credo Knife every now and then, and shave a few of them off. HOWEVER, I realize, that not everyone just shakes off things like I do. I don't take to heart anything what people on a message board say. I'll debate all the live long day with anyone. I was one of the "mean people" on the Debate Board I used to be a member of, that would go for the jugular in a debate and sleep just fine at night, yet, I realize, there ARE people who will sit up all night long, worried to death about it.
Each person has their own thoughts and feelings about things, we're all wired differently, and we all feel things and react to things differently. Just because we can't personally fathom being upset by something, doesn't mean it isn't a big deal to another person. No, I typically don't have sugar-coated replies, and there are times my advice or posts are just like they were on the debate board- raw, and to the point. However, I do try to be considered of the poster. I try to keep people's feelings in mind, realizing that there *are* real people behind these screen names, with thoughts and feelings. Some many not have anyone else to go to for help, or genuinely, may not know how to phrase what they're asking in a different way. I try to be patient, although, God knows that's not one thing I'm terribly good at.
As I've gotten older, I've realized that empathy doesn't cost a dime, and it's one of the most important things we can share with one another. Just like kindness. It doesn't cost a dime, either. Sprinkle that *kitten* everywhere. No, I'm not calling anyone out, or saying, "Oh noes! We have a bunch of meanies here on MFP!" We all know better than that, but the next time you're thinking about a snarky remark (myself included here), really think about the context of the post/thread.
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MonikaBori wrote: »IF the extra skin is from stretch marks, no amount of lifting weights is going to take care of it. A stretch mark is a place that your body actually MADE more skin because the skin your body had couldn't stretch as far as it needed to. It's frustrating when people assume it can be made to go away by lifting weights. It's there to stay. You can tone the muscle beneath the skin, but you can't lose skin, short of surgery.
THANK YOU. So tired of the misinformation on these forums sometimes. I've been lifting for over a year, my loose skin hasn't gone anywhere. It's so bad that it just hangs there when I bend over.
OP, I don't really get it though... Did he not see your body before you married him? Did it never come up? I mean, if I started seeing someone now, I can't imagine how that wouldn't come up.0 -
arditarose wrote: »
So then why even bother having the conversation if a simple comment that isn't offensive is going to hurt her feelings. Why even talk about the tummy tuck? What you're basically saying is that the OP's husband would be wrong no matter what he says.arditarose wrote: »Maybe what he said wasn't wrong, or jerky...but that doesn't mean her feelings can't be hurt. Sorry, I'm not quoting one specific person, I saw a few comments about not having thick skin. Some of us just don't, especially when it comes to certain topics.
Wait? What? No, I said he possibly didn't do anything wrong-but it doesn't mean that her feelings can't still be hurt. That's all.
Maybe I missed something about the original conversation they were having together? I dunno.
She's the one who brought it up because she is the one who wants the surgery. All he asked was how she ended up with the extra skin.
Right okay. So he was just curious. Like I said-he didn't mean any harm. She was sensitive to it regardless. Happens a lot.0 -
I would have grabbed my stomach and shook it at him and said made with Love!!0
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I think you're being way too sensitive.
You're 130 lbs... Your "pooch" can't be that bad. If you want to see bad pooches, search for them on Google images. I'm sure that will make you feel better about yourself.
Not all women can have perfectly flat stomaches. Because well, there's something called genetics. You need to accept it.
Lastly, you don't need a man to tell you you're beautiful. YOU need to believe you're beautiful.0
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