My fiance keeps gaining weight !
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MyRummyHens wrote: »I am currently having a weighty issue with my husband. It's got nothing what so ever to do with what he looks like, I'd find him sexy as hell if he was 100lb heavier than he is, but it's more to do with a health issue he has, which is exacerbated by carrying too much additional weight. I've tried every possible hint at subtly, been making him pack lunches, dragging him over the gym with me, tried straight talking (i.e really worried about your crazy blood pressure etc). Nothing seems to get through for more than 5 minutes. He'll be respectable for a few days and then boom, he's right back on the over eating/under exercising.
I personally think OP has two issues:
1. Your problem, which is that you no longer find your SO attractive. Life is about ups and downs so if you can't love him at his worst, then should you really be marrying him? Is this no longer finding him attractive thing an escape route for not marrying him? It's okay if you discover that someone isn't the person you thought they were, or to fall out of love with someone. Look at it this way, if you guys aren't right for each other then it's much better to end things before an expensive wedding and then divorce are required.
2. His weight has gone up almost 50%. You don't say how tall he is, but I'm assuming that he's put on 75lb from a 'normal' weight rather than underweight. That's not a normal behavior in a short space of time. It sounds to me like more than the 10-30lb 'happy' weight gain lots of couples put on. There is almost certainly an underlying issue there. He is going to need help, especially if there is no signs of it letting up. Unless he is willing to talk to you about it then your options are limited in terms of helping. All you can really do is be as supportive as possible, which is what I am trying to do in the face of my husband being a heart attack risk and constantly scoffing his face with all the wrong things.
I had this EXACT same problem. Husband had lost a considerable amount of weight since I met him/we married but he still was morbidly obese with terrible habits and from time to time it would come up in conversation randomly but he never did much to change it. Finally a little ago I had a big juvenile freak out and was just a blubbering mess "I love you so much I don't want you to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeee /sob /sniff /choke /sob". He was like "oh. ok" and has since done a 180 in his habits. WTF? I guess I just needed to ask. Probably could have spared the hysterics. Just mentioning this on the off chance maybe you haven't already totally exposed how scared you are and bawling like an idiot might move him? I never would have thought that would have worked until it did!
I was always worried about husband dying early (still am) but made my peace that he was likely going to die young well before we got to the "engagement" stage of the relationship. I still loved him and if all I got was 5 years of obese husband then so be it. He is amazing. OP you just aren't going to change anyone until they are ready. If you want to marry someone you aren't even attracted to that's your business, but doesn't that sound like a sad life? You want to live the rest of your/his life married to some dude you aren't attracted to?
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when I met him he was 175 lbs but now he is up to 250 pounds. He used to be obese when he was younger and I am concerned he might be heading the same path. He eats big potions of food, eating out of boredom and little to no exercise since we moved in together. He now has a big gut and I am no longer attracted to him. I tried suggesting myfitness pal and invite him to the gym but he gets angry when I bring up his weight. Anyone ever been in this situation?
I don't know what kind of answers the OP is looking for. The only advice I have for her is- break up. Do the guy a favor and let him find someone better for himself.
Maybe the OP can find someone more of her caliber as her gas smells like rainbows and sunshine... That's just the feeling i get from reading her numerous responses. She's this amazing person, asking on an internet forum what to do about her relationship issues. Guess what, this isn't marriage or relationship counseling. I doubt that she even cares about the relationship that she's in if she's flaunting the fact that she needs to belittle her significant other on the internet.
Oh, and OP, btw, it'll be cosmic justice in the future, when your future Significant Other, if you deem some other sap "worthy" of your time, leaves you for someone else that looks better, does better in the bedroom, or some other nonsense. Karma is interesting that way.
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How old is your daughter? Is he the father of your daughter?Zeroaccess wrote: »I'm a big dude but I've never been with a big girl. I'm not bragging or anything stupid it's just the truth. I'm not attracted to larger women. As I mentioned before I lost my father due to weight complications and now my mother is living with me because of weight and other complications from her rapidly gaining it. I see how I was when I was at my heaviest and how morbidly obese my parents were and it's a turn off.
To all the people that are condescending to this girl ... why? You're saying she's a bully/wrong for trying to get her fiance to stay healthy and fit ... Isn't that why we're all on this website? To those that say love him like this or any other size I get that I really do but when you're with someone and they gain a significant amount of weight without a medical reason obviously there's something going on.
As I mentioned before people change with weight gain/loss it's a fact. She may enjoy dancing and being active whereas now she can't do those things. Nothing wrong with that you better believe when I get down to my goal weight and can do the things I've dreamed of doing I'll be doing them naked if it makes me feel better.
I'm curious as to what your fiance's height and weight is. Is he obese or just a little overweight? What does he say about your healthy lifestyle? Do you live together? What are both of yours schedule? Does he stay at home when you go to the gym? Does your fiance say anything about lack of sex and if so have you told him your feelings?
Only reason I ask these things is because like others have hinted at I wonder if there's more to it than just him gaining the weight. I know for me I was blind to a lot of things and I would direct all my confusion, frustration, etc feelings toward one thing when that wasn't really what the issue was.
If you wanted a serious answer we'll need more information but again there is absolutely nothing wrong with no longer being attracted to someone. We're human and that's a part of it, if other people can't understand that (don't have to agree) then it's their loss.
Thank you, I totally agree with you. I don't why other people got offended with my thread. I do agree with you that people change when people they gain allot of weight including their appearance. If someone where to put 100 pounds ,then they will turn into different person and their appearance would change as well.Well my fiancé has now a big belly since he carry most of his weight on his stomach and it bothers me during sex.
I don't understand why I am being condescended for being concerned with my SO health .They are automatically saying that letting yourself go and get overweight is not a big deal in relationship. I have been only 20 pounds overweight before based on my height and i didnt feel sexy or good .If i was bigger then and I would focus on losing weight first than dating .I would totally understand if a dude didn't want to date me because of that.
And yes, he pretty much stays at home and binge of junk food. He is always going to the fridge to grab food every few minutes and my grocery doesn't last. I had to hide my daughter cookies because he kept eating them. He is 5`8 and now weighs 250 lbs btw.He used to be 175 lbs
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My Daughter is 7 years old and he is not the father .Its from previous relationship
How old is your daughter? Is he the father of your daughter?Zeroaccess wrote: »I'm a big dude but I've never been with a big girl. I'm not bragging or anything stupid it's just the truth. I'm not attracted to larger women. As I mentioned before I lost my father due to weight complications and now my mother is living with me because of weight and other complications from her rapidly gaining it. I see how I was when I was at my heaviest and how morbidly obese my parents were and it's a turn off.
To all the people that are condescending to this girl ... why? You're saying she's a bully/wrong for trying to get her fiance to stay healthy and fit ... Isn't that why we're all on this website? To those that say love him like this or any other size I get that I really do but when you're with someone and they gain a significant amount of weight without a medical reason obviously there's something going on.
As I mentioned before people change with weight gain/loss it's a fact. She may enjoy dancing and being active whereas now she can't do those things. Nothing wrong with that you better believe when I get down to my goal weight and can do the things I've dreamed of doing I'll be doing them naked if it makes me feel better.
I'm curious as to what your fiance's height and weight is. Is he obese or just a little overweight? What does he say about your healthy lifestyle? Do you live together? What are both of yours schedule? Does he stay at home when you go to the gym? Does your fiance say anything about lack of sex and if so have you told him your feelings?
Only reason I ask these things is because like others have hinted at I wonder if there's more to it than just him gaining the weight. I know for me I was blind to a lot of things and I would direct all my confusion, frustration, etc feelings toward one thing when that wasn't really what the issue was.
If you wanted a serious answer we'll need more information but again there is absolutely nothing wrong with no longer being attracted to someone. We're human and that's a part of it, if other people can't understand that (don't have to agree) then it's their loss.
Thank you, I totally agree with you. I don't why other people got offended with my thread. I do agree with you that people change when people they gain allot of weight including their appearance. If someone where to put 100 pounds ,then they will turn into different person and their appearance would change as well.Well my fiancé has now a big belly since he carry most of his weight on his stomach and it bothers me during sex.
I don't understand why I am being condescended for being concerned with my SO health .They are automatically saying that letting yourself go and get overweight is not a big deal in relationship. I have been only 20 pounds overweight before based on my height and i didnt feel sexy or good .If i was bigger then and I would focus on losing weight first than dating .I would totally understand if a dude didn't want to date me because of that.
And yes, he pretty much stays at home and binge of junk food. He is always going to the fridge to grab food every few minutes and my grocery doesn't last. I had to hide my daughter cookies because he kept eating them. He is 5`8 and now weighs 250 lbs btw.He used to be 175 lbs
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To all of those who are against my OP then let me ask you this.Since its obvious that you condone obesity then what are you all doing in this site? I cant speak for everyone but for me I want to feel good and sexy. I was never really overweight but i do work hard to maintain my weight.I also want to live longer and not have health issues that are related to being obese. Then why do you all expect me to be okay with my SO letting himself go and get obese? Isn`t that the reason why you are all here to lose weight and stay fit? Then why is it wrong to want a partner who takes care of himself and stays in shape? Am I missing something?-1
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To all of those who are against my OP then let me ask you this.Since its obvious that you condone obesity then what are you all doing in this site? I cant speak for everyone but for me I want to feel good and sexy. I was never really overweight but i do work hard to maintain my weight.I also want to live longer and not have health issues that are related to being obese. Then why do you all expect me to be okay with my SO letting himself go and get obese? Isn`t that the reason why you are all here to lose weight and stay fit? Then why is it wrong to want a partner who takes care of himself and stays in shape? Am I missing something?
I just don't condone being a d*ck to someone you're supposed to love on a public forum where they are not around to defend themselves. HE is not on here to lose weight, but your self righteousness seems to be doing enough work on this forum for you both.
My DH is obese actually, and I like I said before I don't love him for numbers on a scale. I love him for sticking by my side through thick and thin. For his sense of humor. His gorgeous eyes. His laugh. His smile. Being an amazing daddy, and even adopting my oldest.
When he decides to get serious about losing weight I will be more than willing to support the hell out of him. Until then I will continue on my own path to lose weight and make healthier meals for the whole family.
Seriously though, if it's that much of a problem for you then just walk away from the relationship.0 -
I am going to suggest putting this marriage on hold.
Not because of the weight gain per se; fat is not a deal killer. You can have a good marriage with someone who's overweight.
He is obviously stressed and possibly clinically depressed, with a huge and relatively sudden negative turn in his health - but even that isn't a deal killer.
What is a deal killer is the fact that he refuses to do anything about this problem - refuses to even talk about it. When you do try to talk about it, he tries to guilt you into silence. You have a pattern here of someone who is trying to bury is problems with food and isn't willing to get help. This is a total deal killer.
Life gets a lot more complicated after you eat the wedding cake, and infinitely more complicated than that when you have kids. If this guy can't be constructive and deal with problems effectively when you're in "fiancee" mode, he is going to be a total disaster in "husband and father" mode.0 -
Did something change after you go together -- new job hours, new medication, money worries?0
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HotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »To all of those who are against my OP then let me ask you this.Since its obvious that you condone obesity then what are you all doing in this site? I cant speak for everyone but for me I want to feel good and sexy. I was never really overweight but i do work hard to maintain my weight.I also want to live longer and not have health issues that are related to being obese. Then why do you all expect me to be okay with my SO letting himself go and get obese? Isn`t that the reason why you are all here to lose weight and stay fit? Then why is it wrong to want a partner who takes care of himself and stays in shape? Am I missing something?
You don't care about his health, you care about what he looks like by your side. I love how you ASSume everything about the people that commented on this thread. You need to grow up and HE needs to leave YOU! You don't deserve him and he deserves to be treated better than you're treating him.
Ofcorse I care about his looks.I am not going to deny that.I am going to marry him and have kids with him so I would want him to live longer and not die young.If he gets obese again then our sex life will suffer and he wont be around to watch his kids grow up.I don't see anything wrong with not wanting an obese partner.
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Did something change after you go together -- new job hours, new medication, money worries?
Nope, He is just eating more and not exercising.He used to work out before we started dating and he stopped. He eats large potion of foods.So he is eating more than what he burning with lack of exercise.He also eat a whole box of pizza by himself etc
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What kids? You need to have sex in the first place to have kids. And you've made it clear that it ain't happening. Lol.HotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »To all of those who are against my OP then let me ask you this.Since its obvious that you condone obesity then what are you all doing in this site? I cant speak for everyone but for me I want to feel good and sexy. I was never really overweight but i do work hard to maintain my weight.I also want to live longer and not have health issues that are related to being obese. Then why do you all expect me to be okay with my SO letting himself go and get obese? Isn`t that the reason why you are all here to lose weight and stay fit? Then why is it wrong to want a partner who takes care of himself and stays in shape? Am I missing something?
You don't care about his health, you care about what he looks like by your side. I love how you ASSume everything about the people that commented on this thread. You need to grow up and HE needs to leave YOU! You don't deserve him and he deserves to be treated better than you're treating him.
Ofcorse I care about his looks.I am not going to deny that.I am going to marry him and have kids with him so I would want him to live longer and not die young.If he gets obese again then our sex life will suffer and he wont be around to watch his kids grow up.I don't see anything wrong with not wanting an obese partner.
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deluxmary2000 wrote: »JeriAnne84 wrote: »HotMamaInWorks wrote: »JeriAnne84 wrote: »PrizePopple wrote: »
Agreed. You talk more about how he isn't attractive anymore than his health. Seriously break it off with him if you don't find him attractive anymore and are upset that he has gained weight. It will save you both money on a divorce in the future because chances are, he might gain more after getting married because a lot of married couples gain weight.
Also, he's probably going through some emotional stuff as well and you nagging him about his weight and working out isn't going to help, only piss him off and probably make him eat more. People will change when they want to and no amount of nagging will fix that.
Thank you for posting this...so very true!
Umm I don't why you are getting touchy about this. If I am no longer attracted to someone that they gained weight then I cant help it. I clearly stated in my question that he used to be obese when he was younger and it seems like he is heading that way. I am concerned because I care about this person.
where is this anger coming from? did you eat too many cookies and cant lose weight? Well don't take it all out on me.I work hard to stay in shape and I will dammed if my SO let themselves go to a point were their health are at risk and they are no longer attractive
I'm not angry, you're just being kind of a crappy person to someone you supposedly love and I'm pointing that out to you. You're being very selfish. You want him to get in shape so you can like looking at him again.
And no I didn't eat too many cookies and can't lose weight, as I said before, I'm not angry, I just think you are being super crappy to him and want him to fit your needs instead of just loving him for him.
I don't think that's crappy. It's a reality. I can tell you right now my BF would get way more tail if he was in shape. I love him- and I'm still with him- and will continue to be with him- but he isn't as sexually appealing to me as he could be- and it's 100% his choice and he knows it- I have done my best to help without nagging- and he finally said stop nagging me (which I totally gawffed at because compared to anyone else- I was absolutely NOT nagging) whatever- he said I don't want your help- so I dropped it.
- Completely.
Tough titties for him- he just doesn't get laid that often- which sucks for me- sucks for him- but it's his choice- I'm not going to sit here and pretend it's all about his health- yeah I wish his health was better- I know what his dad looks like-and it aint pretty and I already told him if he got that way I was gone- but reality is-he'd get way more a&& if he wasn't so damn squishy.
That's on him.
I don't think it makes you a crappy person wanting to be sexual attracted to your partner- especially at a really young age- I mean come on- that's what 18-25 is all about.
I think I like you.
This!
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Liftng4Lis wrote: »You need to seriously evaluate where you are with him. You are not going to change him and I guarantee you, what you see now is what you will see later. I for one enjoy sex and let me tell you when they get older and out of shape, their physical stamina is not what it could be. No one wants to have to wait why they heft a gut to find their business (total turn off)!
this
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People that are fit and healthy or atleast close to it want to be with others that are fit and healthy, most fit people are not attracted to overweight people. It is hard to be attracted to someone who cannot keep up between the sheets and has to stop because they are hurting or just plain out of shape and dont have the stamina to keep up.
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Agreed.HotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »sherimiller123 wrote: »People that are fit and healthy or atleast close to it want to be with others that are fit and healthy, most fit people are not attracted to overweight people. It is hard to be attracted to someone who cannot keep up between the sheets and has to stop because they are hurting or just plain out of shape and dont have the stamina to keep up.
Then maybe she needs to find someone up to her standards instead of stringing her fiance along. He's not going to change for her...he will do it for himself in his own time. If she can't handle that, she needs to leave.
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Did something change after you go together -- new job hours, new medication, money worries?
Nope, He is just eating more and not exercising.He used to work out before we started dating and he stopped. He eats large potion of foods.So he is eating more than what he burning with lack of exercise.He also eat a whole box of pizza by himself etc
It sounds like my boyfriend (with the pizza).
My BF gained 40 lbs since we started dating 4 years ago. I am still very attracted to him. I am, however, concerned about his health since we aren't spring chickens anymore. I have asked him to start exercising again and eating less because he is going to die of a heart attack and he agrees.
Gaining weight in relationships happens, I gained 30! I am losing for myself, not because he thinks I'm fat and I know he is still very attracted to me.
What you have to ask yourself is.... did you fall in love with him because of his size? Are you sure it's his weight gain that is making you less attracted to him?0 -
sherimiller123 wrote: »People that are fit and healthy or atleast close to it want to be with others that are fit and healthy, most fit people are not attracted to overweight people. It is hard to be attracted to someone who cannot keep up between the sheets and has to stop because they are hurting or just plain out of shape and dont have the stamina to keep up.
lmaoo I totally agree with you.I bet any amount of money that those are are critizing me for wanting a fit partner are overweight so they took an offense to my thread. That pretty much explains it. I am fit and healthy so it makes sense to expect a partner that is also fit and healthy. Not a fatty
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HotMamaInWorks2 wrote: »sherimiller123 wrote: »People that are fit and healthy or atleast close to it want to be with others that are fit and healthy, most fit people are not attracted to overweight people. It is hard to be attracted to someone who cannot keep up between the sheets and has to stop because they are hurting or just plain out of shape and dont have the stamina to keep up.
lmaoo I totally agree with you.I bet any amount of money that those are are critizing me for wanting a fit partner are overweight so they took an offense to my thread. That pretty much explains it. I am fit and healthy so it makes sense to expect a partner that is also fit and healthy. Not a fatty
Yes, I am overweight and I'm doing something about it. I feel so sorry for your SO to have to live with you and your "better than you" attitude. You need a reality check and I hope he gives you one.
Yea i could tell from reading your comments.Well good luck on your weight loss journey0 -
I started out at 200 lbs when I started dating my boyfriend of now ten years. I put on one-hundred pounds in those ten years. It was due to PCOS, low thyroid, medication and low motivation and low self-esteem. Also I admit it I wasn't wanting to change no matter who told me I needed too. My boyfriend told me that I was always beautiful and he was very attracted to me. It helped knowing I still have his love and his support. The thing is even if he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore or didn't think I was beautiful, I still wouldn't have changed.
I had to one day find the change within myself to get up and do something about it. It all came from myself as it should! Face it those who are overweight and obese are on this journey alone, nobody can make you lose the weight except you.
Trust me your Fiancé knows that he is large, he knows it upsets you, he eats because for many other reasons he could have an eating disorder a food compulsion. Whatever it is, you can't change what he needs too for himself.
He needs to lose this weight for him not you!
At the end of the day, if you aren't happy and you think he doesn't live up to your standards you need to move on.
Being with somebody should be being with them no matter what if you truly love them.
Lisa0
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