How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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QueenBishOTUniverse wrote: »I'm still trying to work out why a woman weight lifting is a problem in this role.....
I agree, it's just trying to get my husband to accept me doing it that's the hard part.0 -
Been trying to think of a way to give you advice without getting into the Domestic commentary. There's only one clear option here. If you're going to maintain your gender roles....he needs to lift too.0
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From what is sounds like is that you are having a personal struggle of expectations. He expects you to fill this ideal of what a wife should be and you seemed to have the same ideal until you experienced some personal growth or change that lies outside of his expectations. You can either decide to comply with what his expectations are or pursue your own desires. He'll either come around or not. If you continue, you will have to deal with the stress on the relationship that it brings, no one else. I say, search your heart and find out what matters to you. If it is important to you, as a good husband, he will understand and support you. If he demands you stop regardless of how good it makes you feel, then obviously he is prioritizing his feelings or insecurities over your happiness and that is a recipe for disaster. It's not like you're asking to see other people or demanding something ridiculous. I would be very supportive of my wife if she wanted to try some new kind of fitness routine. Who knows, it might be for you or it might not but there is only one way to find out. No one here can help you with this question as no one else here lives your life. You have to work it out for yourself and decide what is important to you, what your man will accept and what he won't and what is best for your own personal growth. Don't make a decision based on someone else's personal desires that you'll regret 10 years from now and then wish you could go back and make a different decision.0
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GothyFaery wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »surruhehlizabeht wrote: »Please show him links about women and weight lifting from professional trainers. Lifting weights tends to help women burn fat and get SMALLER, not bulkier. It's honestly extremely difficult for most women to get bulky.
Also, I understand that you value a particular type of relationship, but you don't have to take guff from no one! Please let him know that he is not allowed to say mean things that hurt you, regardless of whether he thinks it's a joke or not.
That would be against the "rules" for her to tell him what is and isn't allowed though.
I really think you have the wrong idea of our relationship. Yes, I say I don't allow him to cook dinner. It's my kitchen and it's my job to cook. But there are no rules. If he wanted to cook dinner (it would hurt me a little) he really could. But I feel it's my job to cook for him so it would upset if he went around me and did it but I don't forbid him from cooking. Just like I have taken the trash out before. It's just the man's job to do that sort of stuff so he would rather do it. (I really hope no one takes offence to this, what works for some doesn't work for all and I understand to each their own)
1. OP, for some reason I read all your words with a Russian accent in my head. I'm sure it has something to do with the traditional gender roles, and it's silly, but it won't stop.
2. Most people here seem to have developed some picture in their heads of you being cowed and controlled and kept on a leash, and that doesn't seem to be the case at all. And really, it is no one's business...but from the sound of it, you and your husband do seem rather codependent, and that's something that could cause some major issues between you down the line. Just something to think about, maybe keep in the back of your mind for when things start getting rocky.
3. As far as this situation, it does sound as though your husband is feeling a little threatened. It's a change, and change can be scary. But it's not just a change in your physique, it's also a change in the dynamic of your relationship when you choose to continue doing something he has expressed displeasure in. I think actions speak louder than words, and so talking to him is a good idea, but showing him that you still need him is a better one. Have you tried asking him to spot you while you lift? Maybe show him some photos of the sort of body type you're going for, ask him his opinion on it, and ask for his help. Maybe show him some videos with proper form, and ask him to watch you and correct your form to match the videos. Also, maybe show him an article or two about how working out can increase your libido. For better or worse, you guys are very joined at the hip, so perhaps including him more in your process will help alleviate his discomfort?
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SnuggleSmacks wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »surruhehlizabeht wrote: »Please show him links about women and weight lifting from professional trainers. Lifting weights tends to help women burn fat and get SMALLER, not bulkier. It's honestly extremely difficult for most women to get bulky.
Also, I understand that you value a particular type of relationship, but you don't have to take guff from no one! Please let him know that he is not allowed to say mean things that hurt you, regardless of whether he thinks it's a joke or not.
That would be against the "rules" for her to tell him what is and isn't allowed though.
I really think you have the wrong idea of our relationship. Yes, I say I don't allow him to cook dinner. It's my kitchen and it's my job to cook. But there are no rules. If he wanted to cook dinner (it would hurt me a little) he really could. But I feel it's my job to cook for him so it would upset if he went around me and did it but I don't forbid him from cooking. Just like I have taken the trash out before. It's just the man's job to do that sort of stuff so he would rather do it. (I really hope no one takes offence to this, what works for some doesn't work for all and I understand to each their own)
1. OP, for some reason I read all your words with a Russian accent in my head. I'm sure it has something to do with the traditional gender roles, and it's silly, but it won't stop.
2. Most people here seem to have developed some picture in their heads of you being cowed and controlled and kept on a leash, and that doesn't seem to be the case at all. And really, it is no one's business...but from the sound of it, you and your husband do seem rather codependent, and that's something that could cause some major issues between you down the line. Just something to think about, maybe keep in the back of your mind for when things start getting rocky.
3. As far as this situation, it does sound as though your husband is feeling a little threatened. It's a change, and change can be scary. But it's not just a change in your physique, it's also a change in the dynamic of your relationship when you choose to continue doing something he has expressed displeasure in. I think actions speak louder than words, and so talking to him is a good idea, but showing him that you still need him is a better one. Have you tried asking him to spot you while you lift? Maybe show him some photos of the sort of body type you're going for, ask him his opinion on it, and ask for his help. Maybe show him some videos with proper form, and ask him to watch you and correct your form to match the videos. Also, maybe show him an article or two about how working out can increase your libido. For better or worse, you guys are very joined at the hip, so perhaps including him more in your process will help alleviate his discomfort?
Sorry, no russian accent... feel free to keep doing it though. I hadn't thought about including him in my workouts because he seemed so against me doing it to begin with. But now that you mention it, this whole thing did seem to peak this weekend after a friend from work (a "bulkier" female friend) came by to show me a few things and correct my form. Maybe having him help me out would make him feel a little better. Thanks!0 -
If you can hear me over the raging anti-man crowd (masquerading as pro-woman) ...
I am so unbelievably sick of this false dichotomy that suggests you have only have two choices: be weak, scared, and lifeless, while handing over control of your life to your husband, OR be a cornfed hermaphrodite who prefers to spend all her time turning burping, farting, and spitting into competitive sports. It is possible to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong and yet still allow the man in your life to feel like a man. I don't give a rat's *kitten* what year it is, and neither does biology. I wear a dress or skirt and high heels every day. I prefer dominant, hyper-masculine men. I can also squat 270 lbs, and the most masculine men I know actually find that very sexy, not threatening.
My advice to you is to get as strong as you want to be. When you get to that point, you will love yourself more, and that will be all the reality check your husband needs on this matter.
Well, that escalated quickly...0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
If a mindless slave is what you want to be, then by all means go for it. But I can't help feeling for your husband here - either you want to be completely submissive or you don't, and you clearly committed to being that way at some point. If you're changing your mind, that's perfectly okay as well - no matter what remember that you are legally a FREE human being - but I would suggest that you find similar fetish/lifestyle people and consult with them about this issue and how to renegotiate roles. If you really want to make your husband happy in every way then quit complaining and go make him a snack. If you don't...then you probably have some bigger steps to take, starting with figuring out where your head is really at.
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He's jealous. That's so cute. And bye he sounds completely unsupportive selfish and controlling (just saying ). Perhaps you need to make it clear to him that doing this makes you happy. And he should want you happy always. Happy wife. Happy life.0
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couch.0
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I'm a little shocked at the amount of judgment apparent in this thread. Part of feminism is having the ability to embrace traditional gender roles as a matter of choice rather than having them thrust on you. The OP has made it clear that she chose this role, it makes her happy, and she has no interest in changing it. She's made it clear that her husband is not controlling or manipulative and he also embraces his traditional role, and makes it his responsibility to do things to enhance her happiness. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because it's not the choice you would make does not make it wrong.0
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I think I have the perfect wife she wears jeans BBQs better than me makes more money than me works more overtime than me. I have dinner and do 80 percent of the laundry and we both go to the gym and work out. We work together to get things done. This a perfect marriage in my opinion. Does not mean we have difference and or disagree but we work it out together. Also believe me my wife does not make me happy all the time nor do I her. We are not responsible for each others happiness. Have you ever considered Co-Dependants Anonymous might help you out tremendously. Good luck and glad you enjoy lifting.0
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Just wondering out loud if OP is experiencing what many women experience when they start "taking" care of themselves... That is learning that when I treat myself well (eat well, work out, become physically fit and healthier) because I love myself, I find validation from within. I no longer need to find validation by being the "perfect" wife and "keeping my man happy" is no longer my primary goal.0
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I was thinking the same thing especially since she said they were together for "awhile" prior to being married, does that mean before 18?!?Am I the only one who finds this whole situation gross? I'm just thinking about a 20 yr old getting married to....
Makes me a little nauseous, but I that's just my opinion. To each their own...I guess??
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Thank you. Took far too long for someone to say that. And someone should never have their choice of a life partner called "gross" (or at least their relationship). This thread makes me all kinds of sad.SnuggleSmacks wrote: »I'm a little shocked at the amount of judgment apparent in this thread. Part of feminism is having the ability to embrace traditional gender roles as a matter of choice rather than having them thrust on you. The OP has made it clear that she chose this role, it makes her happy, and she has no interest in changing it. She's made it clear that her husband is not controlling or manipulative and he also embraces his traditional role, and makes it his responsibility to make her happy. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because it's not the choice you would make does not make it wrong.
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RavenLibra wrote: »looks like there's an age discrepancy... and probably a fitness discrepancy now.. he's insecure and attempting some passive-aggressive manipulation to reduce your new found passiogn...You live with him... you know best how to counter his manipulations.. BUT I found it interesting that when I began the lift stron program that my sex drive increased... so maybe get him lifting too and you can both enjoy the benefits of lifting..
This is basically what I was going to reply. The age difference makes the gender roles difficult to change, but if he starts lifting too I think it will make *both* of you happy - in more ways than one!
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SnuggleSmacks wrote: »I'm a little shocked at the amount of judgment apparent in this thread. Part of feminism is having the ability to embrace traditional gender roles as a matter of choice rather than having them thrust on you. The OP has made it clear that she chose this role, it makes her happy, and she has no interest in changing it. She's made it clear that her husband is not controlling or manipulative and he also embraces his traditional role, and makes it his responsibility to do things to enhance her happiness. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because it's not the choice you would make does not make it wrong.
Yeah, she embraced her traditional role until he wasn't happy with her lifting. Two people can fill traditional roles without being completely submissive to a husband, but she wants to be his version of a perfect wife. That goes beyond "traditional roles."
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Some might also raise that there is a difference between choosing, and has been groomed for.....
Certainly no one here (besides possibly the OP) is qualified to make that call, but I don't think it's completely out of line to at least raise the question. It certainly crossed my mind, and I know that it has others as well.0 -
irishman213 wrote: »
I was thinking the same thing especially since she said they were together for "awhile" prior to being married, does that mean before 18?!?Am I the only one who finds this whole situation gross? I'm just thinking about a 20 yr old getting married to....
Makes me a little nauseous, but I that's just my opinion. To each their own...I guess??
Wow, good catch.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »I still don't see what's wrong with wanting to be the perfect wife (by any decade's standards). What's wrong with wanting to be perfect in anything?
I'm a perfect wife! Well, OK, I'm not perfect as a person, nor is my husband. And actually, our marriage isn't perfect by any objective standard.
But we are perfectly happy, despite our imperfections. And we are perfectly suited to each other, because we change together over time, and accept each others' changes perfectly well. I'm perfectly certain that marrying him was the best decision I ever made, and also that he thinks the same.
But, you know, good luck with that "don't touch my grill and don't get strong" thing. Really.
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QueenBishOTUniverse wrote: »Some might also raise that there is a difference between choosing, and has been groomed for.....
Yes, I noticed this early during the post (25 yo OP, been together awhile, married for 5yrs).0
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