Am I being selfish?
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Well, I feel like I have a very positive relationship with my boyfriend. We have been going strong for 5 years with minimal arguments. I think this could have been approached completely differently.
1 - Ask him if he wants to go. If he answers yes - fine, he needs to stop complaining then.
2- If he answers no - then leave it alone, and go it alone. You can not expect him to want to do things he doesnt want to do or force him to "just be happy about it".
3 - I would get a head of the game, and mind each others business when it comes to spending money on your own interests. My theory is "as long as if he is paying his half of the bills - then I do not give a rats *kitten* about where the rest of his money goes"
I think it is very unfortunate he does not want to support you in this, and maybe after your marathon, you guys can look into a relationship counsellor. When he refers to "Relaxing" as playing video games all weekend, then that is a definate red flag as the relationship is going south.
So, I think you were both wrong. But the expectations of both of you to be fair. He doesnt want to go, which is fair. You want him to support you, which is also fair. How it was handled...not so much.0 -
Only one selfish person that I can tell and it isn't you.
He sounds like a spoilt, obnoxious teenager, not a grown man.0 -
He sounds really manipulative. This is a classic start of an abusive relationship. Money-controlling, guilt-ing, hypocritical...
Hes putting himself first. Not you.0 -
He sounds like a self centered brat. the very fact he spends all weekend doing what 'he' wants is bad enough. I can't believe you want to marry him. trust me, it will get worse, and how would he compete with kids..........Get out while you still can.0
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I was unaware that "because video games" has become an acceptable excuse to get out of doing things. This is the biggest discovery of our generation. "Did you go to store?" "No." "Why not?" "Because video games." "Did you pick up the kids after practice?" "Nope." "Why not?" "Because video games." Maybe you shouldn't have spent the $95 on this marathon, "because video games." With that and the gas money you're going to be spending to get there, he could have really taken advantage of the upcoming Buy 2 Get 1 Free sale at Target, "because video games."
I'd get not wanting to go stand around for several hours in the cold while people ran, but that's not really the point. Sometimes, all of us wind up doing things we'd rather not do. Doing such things for someone else's benefit is as good a reason as any.0 -
I do want to clarify a few things to be fair to him. I've done 5ks before, and he's gone to them without complaining. The reason being they were both during the summer or a school break. He doesn't have a problem so much with going, it's going on his "precious" weekend days, which he treasures. He even flat out told me that if I wanted to do an Ironman, but did it during the summer, he would do it. He's fighting so hard because the weekend is his only chance to relax, and his work week does stress him out a lot.
Also, I might have, in anger, made the video game thing seem worse than it is. It's a hobby, not an addiction. We do occasionally go to the mall or out to dinner during weekends. He does spend time with me at home, he doesn't completely ignore me and game constantly.
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Seriously you're marrying this person? What an immature childish brat! He's not worth the agro, go to your marathon, do well and move on. He's not worth it.0
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What a selfish child! Your boyfriend/husband/fiance is supposed to support you and be happy for you! You have worked hard for this. Wow, just wow. What a child. Get rid of him while you can because if you have children with him he will be the oldest one. Seriously.0
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I'm sorry but $95 is not a huge amount to spend on a race, nor is it selfish of you to take part in your interests during the weekends just as he does with his. Financial support does not equal emotional support and if I were you I would be seriously considering leaving him, because this sort of childish, guilt tripping behaviour is not okay in a relationship. Even if you made a mistake in not telling him about the cost/timing of the event the correct way of him handling it would be to explain to you what he feels you did wrong, ask you to maybe consider it from his perspective next time, and then go along and support you nonetheless. He should be proud of you for attempting such a feat.
Put the toys back in the playpen, strap him into his car seat, pop a PSP/book/laptop/or coffee money into his hands, and go do your marathon.
P.S. I did my first half marathon in 2.5hrs, just don't stop jogging and you'll be done in no time. Good luck
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I do want to clarify a few things to be fair to him. I've done 5ks before, and he's gone to them without complaining. The reason being they were both during the summer or a school break. He doesn't have a problem so much with going, it's going on his "precious" weekend days, which he treasures. He even flat out told me that if I wanted to do an Ironman, but did it during the summer, he would do it. He's fighting so hard because the weekend is his only chance to relax, and his work week does stress him out a lot.
Also, I might have, in anger, made the video game thing seem worse than it is. It's a hobby, not an addiction. We do occasionally go to the mall or out to dinner during weekends. He does spend time with me at home, he doesn't completely ignore me and game constantly.
This is why I posted what I did at the beginning of your thread. If you resolve your conflicts, one or the other has to be the bigger person and let it go. Good luck on your run and your relationship.
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This is a him problem, not a you problem.0
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Get rid of him while you still can.0
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Go on your own. If he wants to spend his Saturday relaxing in his own way, let him do so. Go yourself, and enjoy the race, that you've spent hours training for. Seriously after fighting like this over it, you both will probably enjoy it more if you go and he stays home. If it was me, I wouldn't enjoy the race now if he went with me, I'd be wondering if he was bored and upset at the wait.0
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I do want to clarify a few things to be fair to him. I've done 5ks before, and he's gone to them without complaining. The reason being they were both during the summer or a school break. He doesn't have a problem so much with going, it's going on his "precious" weekend days, which he treasures. He even flat out told me that if I wanted to do an Ironman, but did it during the summer, he would do it. He's fighting so hard because the weekend is his only chance to relax, and his work week does stress him out a lot.
Also, I might have, in anger, made the video game thing seem worse than it is. It's a hobby, not an addiction. We do occasionally go to the mall or out to dinner during weekends. He does spend time with me at home, he doesn't completely ignore me and game constantly.
Ah, excuses.
I've seen this before. I did the same thing for my abusive ex-husband. He would have also had himself a fit about having to do something "boring" in support of me.
I actually asked my husband about this situation, and I outright asked him if he would say the things your fiancée was saying. He joked that he would whine about it, but he wouldn't continue on with the pissing and moaning about it.
It's not like this is your 12th 5k... it's your first half marathon, and that's a huge accomplishment. If he's not willing to shut his face and support you, then I think that speaks volumes.
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PenelopeJoye wrote: »I had a boyfriend that would drop id say averaged out $20 a day on me while he was on a $10.25/hr job yeah he was 18, hed do kind things all the time spend TONS of money on me and he was lovley 99% of the time there were just a few things that bugged me about him nothing serious at all no abuse or anything but i dumped him cus i thot hes pretty close to perfect but i think i can find a little closer. Dont settle for anything less than your dream guy
...You kind of sound like a gold digger. The exboyfriend can consider himself lucky.0 -
PenelopeJoye wrote: »I had a boyfriend that would drop id say averaged out $20 a day on me while he was on a $10.25/hr job yeah he was 18, hed do kind things all the time spend TONS of money on me and he was lovley 99% of the time there were just a few things that bugged me about him nothing serious at all no abuse or anything but i dumped him cus i thot hes pretty close to perfect but i think i can find a little closer. Dont settle for anything less than your dream guy
You can't finance yourself?0 -
PrizePopple wrote: »I do want to clarify a few things to be fair to him. I've done 5ks before, and he's gone to them without complaining. The reason being they were both during the summer or a school break. He doesn't have a problem so much with going, it's going on his "precious" weekend days, which he treasures. He even flat out told me that if I wanted to do an Ironman, but did it during the summer, he would do it. He's fighting so hard because the weekend is his only chance to relax, and his work week does stress him out a lot.
Also, I might have, in anger, made the video game thing seem worse than it is. It's a hobby, not an addiction. We do occasionally go to the mall or out to dinner during weekends. He does spend time with me at home, he doesn't completely ignore me and game constantly.
Ah, excuses.
I've seen this before. I did the same thing for my abusive ex-husband. He would have also had himself a fit about having to do something "boring" in support of me.
I actually asked my husband about this situation, and I outright asked him if he would say the things your fiancée was saying. He joked that he would whine about it, but he wouldn't continue on with the pissing and moaning about it.
It's not like this is your 12th 5k... it's your first half marathon, and that's a huge accomplishment. If he's not willing to shut his face and support you, then I think that speaks volumes.
I don't know Pops. I'm thinking there's more story to this than we know and maybe she may have over exaggerated a bit out of anger. Either way, your POV makes sense too.0 -
dakotababy wrote: »Well, I feel like I have a very positive relationship with my boyfriend. We have been going strong for 5 years with minimal arguments. I think this could have been approached completely differently.
1 - Ask him if he wants to go. If he answers yes - fine, he needs to stop complaining then.
2- If he answers no - then leave it alone, and go it alone. You can not expect him to want to do things he doesnt want to do or force him to "just be happy about it".
3 - I would get a head of the game, and mind each others business when it comes to spending money on your own interests. My theory is "as long as if he is paying his half of the bills - then I do not give a rats *kitten* about where the rest of his money goes"
I think it is very unfortunate he does not want to support you in this, and maybe after your marathon, you guys can look into a relationship counsellor. When he refers to "Relaxing" as playing video games all weekend, then that is a definate red flag as the relationship is going south.
So, I think you were both wrong. But the expectations of both of you to be fair. He doesnt want to go, which is fair. You want him to support you, which is also fair. How it was handled...not so much.
Must say I'm leaning this way ^^0 -
The only thing I got from this post is a greater appreciation of being single. 0
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My husband went to a zombie run w me because our friend guilted him into it. She told him her husband supported her in all her runs.....honestly i didn't care if he went. Her husband never showed up. I also want to say that it sometimes costs money to get into these events even if your just watching. I run everyday by myself i don't need him to support me getting my exercise. I don't even know why you would need him to go be with you. I could care less if he plays video games unless he demands you to watch him waste hours doing so?0
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LiveLaughLoveEat1 wrote: »
I'm not too far off from you. I have a 12 year old daughter and two cats, lol.
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He sounds really immature, and I think he's in the wrong here.
However, I can kind of empathize with him (again, not saying his behavior is right here). I run myself ragged during the week to get everything done; I have basically no time to do anything for myself, or even to sleep. Weekends are my times to unwind. I guess I'd be kind of annoyed if I was forced to do something I didn't like during precious relaxing time.
But he needs to suck it up like a mature adult rather than complaining. I spent an entire Saturday once with my mom at a dental convention because it was important to her, lol. Sometimes you need to sacrifice for the sake of supporting loved ones.0 -
He may be nice to you 99% of the time but, so are plenty of blokes that abuse their partners (physically or emotionally). You may have put this incident behind you but, how long will it be before he's complaining about something else you want to do.1. Get a full time job so you can support yourself that way you wont feel like you owe anyone anything for paying your bills.
2. Drop his *kitten* like a bad habit. Actions speak louder than words he is showing you his true colors.
3. Take your new sexy/fit body and find a real man who wont wine like a little *kitten* when life requires more of him than work and video games.
4. I hope your not planing to have kids with this man because he will be lucky to get one free weekend a month. Wonder how your children will feel when he flips out on them for taking his video game time. Something to consider.
Perhaps it's time to consider whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with a bloke that isn't that into you.
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I woud tell him I have to do this for myself and if you want to come along good and if not that is ok also. I tell my hubby this and he doesn't want to be alone so he comes with me.0
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I'd let him stay home at this point. Do you really think he'll be "supportive"?0
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I do agree that he shouldn't be forced or guilted or blackmailed into going somewhere he doesn't want to go. I just can't grasp why he wouldn't want to support you. As someone else pointed out, this isn't like your 12th marathon. It's your very first.
Another poster asked if you would want to watch him play his video games...but I think if he were entered into some sort of video game competition, perhaps at a convention or something, it sounds like you would willingly go with him to support him, right? And you go to his school concerts, although they have absolutely nothing to do with you, and are probably pretty limited in entertainment value.
I agree that space to pursue your passions individually is important, but being supported during important events regarding those passions is also important. You're not asking him to watch you train. You're asking him to give you one day, not even a whole day, to support you in something that you've worked very, very hard to achieve.
Just think of what other things might inconvenience him in the future by forcing him to give up his relaxation time for something boring. Like hospital waiting rooms. Funerals for your family members. Awards banquets in your honor.0 -
Aww this makes me sad!! He's your fiance, he should be thrilled to support you!
I couldn't imagine even having a boyfriend who would complain about supporting something that was important to me and I worked really hard for. Aren't you supposed to be each other's #1 fans? Maybe that's why I'm single though lol... 0 -
PrizePopple wrote: »I do want to clarify a few things to be fair to him. I've done 5ks before, and he's gone to them without complaining. The reason being they were both during the summer or a school break. He doesn't have a problem so much with going, it's going on his "precious" weekend days, which he treasures. He even flat out told me that if I wanted to do an Ironman, but did it during the summer, he would do it. He's fighting so hard because the weekend is his only chance to relax, and his work week does stress him out a lot.
Also, I might have, in anger, made the video game thing seem worse than it is. It's a hobby, not an addiction. We do occasionally go to the mall or out to dinner during weekends. He does spend time with me at home, he doesn't completely ignore me and game constantly.
Ah, excuses.
I've seen this before. I did the same thing for my abusive ex-husband. He would have also had himself a fit about having to do something "boring" in support of me.
I actually asked my husband about this situation, and I outright asked him if he would say the things your fiancée was saying. He joked that he would whine about it, but he wouldn't continue on with the pissing and moaning about it.
It's not like this is your 12th 5k... it's your first half marathon, and that's a huge accomplishment. If he's not willing to shut his face and support you, then I think that speaks volumes.
I don't know Pops. I'm thinking there's more story to this than we know and maybe she may have over exaggerated a bit out of anger. Either way, your POV makes sense too.
The quick rush from complaint to cover-up totally triggered memories of me doing the exact same thing. And feeling guilt over spending money is still something I battle with from being economically suppressed, so I will fully admit when I see or hear something that makes me draw parallels to that, it gives me a bit of rage face.0
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