Am I being selfish?
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If he doesn't want to go, then go without him. You will be running the entire time, its not like you will see him anyhow. Why do you need his approval and support for something that is a passion of yours. I think you are being a bit too sensitive. And it sounds like he just doesn't want to go, so he was picking an argument. Some independence in a relationship is a good thing, he doesn't need to hold your hand.0
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What's the big problem with going there alone or with one of your friends? I understand that having someone to support you would be nice, but it's not in any way a couple event, it's something you are doing for yourself, right?
Give him some space to enjoy a day alone and make the best out of yours. And don't miss a chance to meet some runners, as somebody has mentioned earlier
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^^^^ lots of good stuff going on in here.
So.... I skimmed. Lots of great advice.
I think pre- marriage counselling should be on the table. He is WAY over reacting like a 5 year old really- you all should just be able to work this out easily without feeling like either of your time is mitigated and your feelings negated.
But I agree- I can understand you wanting him there- but come on- it's a 1/2- that's a long time to sit around and do nothing. I would never ask my BF to do that. I get uncomfortable when he drives me to dance class and waits an hour for me..... but 10 min each way to dance class is 20 min more a week I can see him so for him it's worth the trade off and ultimately it's his choice- sometimes he does- sometimes he doesn't.
I don't think it's fair to ask a loved one to sit around. I think it's fair to say "I would love to have you there- but I understand it's a long time and I hate to waste your time" let them make the choice if it's then a waste of time.
I find also I bank really important things to ask for support- I "save" my requests. I asked him specifically to take a day off to come see our year show- it's a big deal- we need the support for the studio AND I would love him to see how I spend all my time and what its' going towards.
So- Save your request- ask him to just be at the finish line around such and such time for events that are closer etc.
Good luck this month...
and PS- Trenton isn't THAT bad!!!! (I work here!!!)0 -
I personally wouldn't expect my husband to come to something where they are going to have to stand around in an unfamiliar place for 3 hours all alone. But if he threw a fit about the money or handled the situation with ZERO tolerence like your guy did, his head would be spinning around still from the smack down I gave him.
Your time together now will set the course for your marriage. Just remember that, and deal with this situation with that in mind.0 -
Sounds like he is an Introvert. Likes people, but they are draining. He needs alone time to recharge his batteries. Look for a compromise. Is there a cool game store only available in Trenton that isn't in your home town? Make that a stop after the run.
Try to take away the emotion, step back and list what you each need. Then find a way to meet most of each of your needs.
This is good, smart advice.0 -
Relationships are give and take. If he doesn't support you now with your goals, how is he going to be 5 years from now? Imagine if this is what happens every time there's something important to you coming up. You aren't being selfish. You are doing this for you. So many people neglect themselves and the things they love, and they make themselves miserable by doing so.
Personally, I wouldn't be okay being with someone who wants to fight with me over something like this. If you love someone, sometimes you do things you don't necessarily want to do in order to make them happy. Like I said before, give and take. It sounds like you've been doing all the giving, and he doesn't want to give any back.0 -
I will preface this by saying that I lead a similar life to the fiance: I have narcolepsy, and I prefer to spend my entire weekend at home. I sleep in until noon and then nap every few hours. I even gave up on dating because one night out late completely wrecks me.
However, when I do end up doing something, I sure don't blame others for "wasting" my weekend. My dad needs my truck to get something from his rental property to his house? That's two hours of driving, plus the time I spend socializing at his house. My brother has a marching band competition? Two hours of driving, 2-4 hours at the competition. Yes, it wrecks me and it feels like the weekend never happened, but that's life.
You fiance sounds like a drag. A selfish man-child.
That said, I kind of get where people are coming from when they say you're being selfish, too. I think that he should WANT to support you, but he doesn't. If he would really, truly be bored out of his mind during those three hours, you shouldn't expect him to go. And as others have said, would you really want him there pouting anyway?
I know he's insisted that he's going to go so that you can't guilt trip him later, but I think you need to tell him flatly that you will be going alone. And maybe during your quiet drive, you can rethink your relationship.0 -
I think he probably knew he didn't want to go as soon as you first brought it up, but he planned to suck it up and lose his day of introversion. But, as the day got closer, the pressure of it built up and he blew. He needs to figure out how to communicate with you and you need to figure out how to either make it fun for him to be there, or go it alone.0
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Well I haven't read thru the thread replies, but to answer your question, no, I don't think you are being selfish. You are doing something to better yourself which will better your relationship in the long-run. IMHO your fiance is being quite childish. In a marriage, we all do things for our partner that maybe we aren't thrilled about doing, but we do them out of love for the other person. A great example of that is your attending his school concerts to support him. Marriage is not usually 50/50...it is sometimes 90/10, or even 100/0. Each person has moments where they are needed to step up and help/support the other person. He needs to "man up" and be there for you, even if that means he's bored for 3 hours.
Support is wonderful and helpful in this journey. I can tell you this from personal experience. However, it is not essential. You can do this whether or not you have support from family/friends. Don't let his childish behavior derail your efforts and progress. In fact, maybe he needs to get off the couch, put down the video games, and get fit with you?
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Some people are pointing out the $95.00 registration fee as "too much" but, the OP states in her original postI told him that I haven't bought myself anything worth more than 5 dollars in a year and a half, no clothes, no books, no entertainment, nothing. Yes, the 95 dollars could have been better spent, but if it was the only thing I was splurging on in a year and a half, I didn't think it was that unreasonable.
I think that is called being frugal so one can finance important "big ticket" items.0 -
Ask yourself if you'd do the same for something he was passionate about but that likely bore you. If you would do that thing, solely because it would make him happy and feel supported, then you're not on the same wavelength and this will be a constant problem in your marriage.0
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While I mean no disrespect to all the band directors out there, this guy hardly has the market cornered on stressful days or demanding careers. That he is translating that to your relationship is concerning, and probably relates to what you are feeling. As others have pointed out, its a huge red flag to me. Can you really spend the next 50 years with somebody who can't seem to figure out how to deal with his day job in a way that doesn't permit him to do anything but lose himself in video games for an entire weekend, every weekend? I don't think its just the race. Based on what you've provided, he'd have protested if you asked him to do anything. What if you needed surgery? Or had to get your car fixed? Or a million other boring and slightly time consuming things that are part of life? That he's throwing a fit about losing 8 hours of video game time is a sign of a huge (and not so temporary) problem. There are people who work 3 jobs, people whose daily jobs put them in the line of fire, people who take care of kids with cancer, people who manage those jobs and packing their kids lunches for schools, and shuttling to soccer practice, and being up all night with a newborn, who still don't need a whole weekend of game time every weekend. Sure, people deal with stresses differently. But can you handle a lifetime of how he seems to need to deal with his? And you have to ask if you're the selfish one?0
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The only person who is being selfish here is him! He sounds like a lazy SOB who doesn't care about what you are doing to make you feel better about yourself! Tell him it's time to put down the video games and get up and do something. Everyone has stress in their job, and he should be able to deal with it and be a functioning human being when he isn't at work.
One more piece of advice.....you're not married yet. RUN!0 -
SherryTeach wrote: »Looking into the future, a man who complains about time-consuming boring activities will not sit in the hospital with your sick parents; he won't help the kids with their homework; he won't attend holiday gatherings of relatives he doesn't like and he won't do a lot of other things that are part of the fabric of a life-long relationship.
Bingo.
If a family member or friend asks me to be there for a 'moment' in their lives, whether it's a concert, or a race, or a graduation, or a wedding, I will be there if I can, and it will be with a smile on my face. I may moan and groan to myself about how boring the event will be for me, but the person I'm supporting will not hear anything but how excited I am for them. Because I am. I'm just not excited for me
To me, that's what you do for the people you love. I'd expect the same for me from my close family and friends. If they acted the way you describe your fiance acting ... they'd be downgraded to an acquaintance (or not close family) mighty quickly.
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I can't believe I'm the only voice of reason here.
Try to see it from your fiance's perspective. First, you signed up for an event and didn't tell him the cost, so he probably presumed it was a negligible expense (unless, of course, you have a history of doing expensive things behind his back, which it sounds like you don't). Second, he agreed to go in August - before the school year started and before he had to travel like crazy and work like crazy every single day.
I'm an introvert who's spent the last year busy all of the time - wedding planning will do that to you. When you're used to having some alone time to recharge, it becomes very stressful when that's denied, and I definitely see where he's coming from. Taking six hours out of his day off just to spend five minutes with you at the start and end of the race does, to me, seem like a big waste of time, and you are selfish for expecting it from him.
Believe it or not, there's more to a relationship than "he's not present for every single thing I'm interested in, so he doesn't love me." You said he pays for your health food? Sounds like that's how he shows his love and support - through "gifts," if you will; not necessarily through quality time. And, as you said, he makes the money, so he gets a pretty big say in how it should be spent.
You're not wrong in wanting the support, but you're definitely wrong in forcing it on him. If he is, as you say, "a wonderful man 99% of the time," then give him this one. He deserves it. Besides, at the end of the day, there's more to a relationship than "he's not perfect, so dump him." If there wasn't, I guarantee all of these "helpers" here (myself included) would have been dumped long ago.
Why should he get a pass from supporting her because it's boring to him? That's essentially what you're saying. It's also not like she's asking him to go support her every time she takes a stroll around the block. It's a freaking half marathon. Her very first half marathon! That's HUGE.
My husband is an introverted IT geek and would rather inflict harm on himself than deal with the general public. Using being an introvert as an excuse for not supporting someone you're supposed to love is BS. He would be at that finish line with our daughters, and likely with flowers and cards made by the kids for me, and then he would take us all to dinner to celebrate... Except for me it won't be a race, it will be when I get my nursing degree.
And the day he walks across the stage having earned his masters degree, I will do the exact same thing for him. Though I'm not an introvert so I will likely tackle him and give him the biggest hug and kiss ever as well.
It's about give and take, and knowing when someones accomplishments should take precedence. This situation is one of those moments that takes precedence because it's important to the OP.0 -
Ummm, my husband and I are going to be standing outside supporting our daughter this weekend as she runs her first! half marathon. I would rather sleep in, play video games, watch football, bake, read, shop, or just about anything else than be there. However, I LOVE her, and am PROUD of the work she put in training, and KNOW she wants us there...in life, you give, and you take. He maybe needs to be reminded of this??0
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Run now...no pun intended. Seriously, you do not want to spend your life with someone so unsupportive of your goals, dreams and aspirations. He may not have to participate in what you do, but to not even want to cheer you on is so selfish. I'm not saying your man needs ot be involved in everything you do but a marathon is a big deal. If he can't do this without bitching about it, what's going to happen when he has to do something really unpleasant? He is being a weiner.0
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If he sees you requesting support as an annoyance, it's only going to get worse with time. If you want to be with him (surely he has positive traits), learn to do these things on your own while he sits at home doing nothing. If you want someone to support you, be active on their days off - sounds like you should find someone else.
Anyone else try to imagine what this guy would be like as a Dad? *shudder*
Honestly, coming to an internet forum for this kind of advice is puzzling. If two people love each other, they work through their issues together, privately or with professional help. Bad mouthing him, airing your dirty laundry and involving a bunch of opinionated strangers in your romantic relationship speaks volumes as to the type of partner you are. I also love how you paint him in a negative light and yourself as a victim...typical manipulative woman tactics. NEVER guilt tripped him? Hahaha, I don't buy that for a second after reading this post.
Good luck.0 -
I have learned, non runners generally don't get runners. They don't understand our motivations, our drive, our need to run. My running has caused stress in the past due to very similar story lines. I went and ran my first half by myself, a few friends ran too. A group of my running buddies showed up along the way at different spots to cheer me on. It was awesome and amazing for a few reasons. One, I did it and beat my goal. Two it rocked to have a cheering squad that I didn't expect. Three, because my wife felt bad for not going it led to an actual discussion about why I run, what it feels like to run for me, what I feel like when I don't run and why sometimes that needs to be in a race atmosphere..... now I'm not going to say she totally understood it all or wants to run herself, but she finally got it, or could see it from my side and I could see it from her side. She felt like I was not paying attention to her, taking time out of our relationship that we could have done things together , out having fun with out her. It really had little to do with what she had been saying and I had never looked at it from her side.I made some changes to my timing, made sure to include her in planning even though I know she isn't likely to go to many runs etc and Since then things with my running are much better. Not saying this is the same situation but I'd bet a lot of it is lack of understanding on both sides and the rational from him may not be the true reasons behind the reaction you see.0
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NOT selfish. I can't think of much 95 bucks is better spent on than something that is motivating you to stay active and healthy.0
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SherryTeach wrote: »Looking into the future, a man who complains about time-consuming boring activities will not sit in the hospital with your sick parents; he won't help the kids with their homework; he won't attend holiday gatherings of relatives he doesn't like and he won't do a lot of other things that are part of the fabric of a life-long relationship.
very good points. it's all about him.0 -
He is selfish and immature. don't marry him0
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margieward82 wrote: »I don't get it though.. If he doesn't want to come, why do you want him to come? I find it CRAZY boring to sit around waiting on someone to do a race. A 1/2 is a long time and I wouldn't want to get stuck sitting there. It's not like there is anything to do. You have to get there at the butt-crack of dawn and then there is nothing to do for the next 5 hours while you wait. Yeah, if it's a nice day he can read or play a game, but still. If he doesn't want to be there, he's just going to bring negativity to you.
I only sign up for stuff with friends who are also doing it because I don't want to have to go and wait forever all alone, nor would I expect my husband to. Yes, I always invite him to my runs, but if he has 'something better to do with his time (even just relaxingin!) and wants to, I don't care. Running is my thing and not his. He wouldn't expect you to sit and watch him play video games for 3 hours after standing around waiting for 2 hours,would he?!?
... and yes I know, I am not in the majority here! But sounds like your issues are not that he doesn't want to go sit and wait for you to run. Might want to see what the real issue is
I cosign this!!!
PLEASE don't listen to this.0 -
I've seen this thread before. OP complains about her SO, yadda yadda wants advice. Then when she gets the advice she asks for, she backpedals and makes excuses for her SO.
Bottom line: You deserve what you're willing to put up with.0 -
I know that when I want my boyfriend to do things like this he whines until the day of. He just gets nervous that it won't be fun and gets angry. My theory is that if they don't want to go, don't make them. It makes it less fun for you.0
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SherryTeach wrote: »Looking into the future, a man who complains about time-consuming boring activities will not sit in the hospital with your sick parents; he won't help the kids with their homework; he won't attend holiday gatherings of relatives he doesn't like and he won't do a lot of other things that are part of the fabric of a life-long relationship.
Sherry's got it about right. A relationship is about both sides giving (something I've had to learn the hard way through a few relationships).
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johnnylakis wrote: »
You deserve whatever piece of garbage you end up with.PenelopeJoye wrote: »I had a boyfriend that would drop id say averaged out $20 a day on me while he was on a $10.25/hr job yeah he was 18, hed do kind things all the time spend TONS of money on me and he was lovley 99% of the time there were just a few things that bugged me about him nothing serious at all no abuse or anything but i dumped him cus i thot hes pretty close to perfect but i think i can find a little closer. Dont settle for anything less than your dream guy
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I think he's completely overreacting, but he also does kind of have a point. It's an hour drive, and you need to get there an hour or so before race time, and then he sits around for 2-3 hours while you do something, and then an hour drive back...just so you can see him see you cross the finish line. It has to be cold in New Jersey now, right? Is he going to be sitting outside the entire time?
What's the area like near the race -- could you find him a coffee shop or somewhere warm with Wifi where he can spend the time? If you know approximately how long it should take you to run it, could he walk back to see you finish? It seems like there should be some simple compromises so you get the support you need and he doesn't have to spend hours sitting outside in the cold waiting for you.0 -
I appreciate everyone here who gave me honest, well considered advice. It helped me think more about all aspects of the argument, and it made me feel much better about the situation. I am glad I asked for other viewpoints on this. I don't feel like I'm selfish for doing something for myself, and I also can see his point of view more than I could before.
Thank you.0 -
I wouldn't use the word selfish for either of you really. I don't think either of you were considering the other person much but both had fair points that were said badly. I would be hurt if my dh lashed out and called me selfish even if he has a point. I don't think you need to dump him over one incident. You obviously can't put it behind you yet. Talk about it and really work through it. Try to understand each others pov and feelings. If you agree to put it behind you, then do that. Don't make a superficial agreement and keep seething about it.
Tell him that you understand that this is not his idea of fun but you really would appreciate him being there for your first race this size. If he is coming then thank him and try to find things he likes to do in the area or a nice place to wait for you.
It really sounds like you need to have a long calm talk about things you both are willing to do on weekends and how you will both spend money in future. If you are going to keep running races, you should probably talk about how much can go to fees, transportation and how far he is willing to travel before you sign up for anything. 6 hours is a big time commitment when you won't actually be doing anything or have anyone with you. If you really want to run somewhere farther than he wants to go or do races pretty often then be willing to go alone.
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