Am I being selfish?
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SherryTeach wrote: »Looking into the future, a man who complains about time-consuming boring activities will not sit in the hospital with your sick parents; he won't help the kids with their homework; he won't attend holiday gatherings of relatives he doesn't like and he won't do a lot of other things that are part of the fabric of a life-long relationship.
very good points. it's all about him.0 -
He is selfish and immature. don't marry him0
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margieward82 wrote: »I don't get it though.. If he doesn't want to come, why do you want him to come? I find it CRAZY boring to sit around waiting on someone to do a race. A 1/2 is a long time and I wouldn't want to get stuck sitting there. It's not like there is anything to do. You have to get there at the butt-crack of dawn and then there is nothing to do for the next 5 hours while you wait. Yeah, if it's a nice day he can read or play a game, but still. If he doesn't want to be there, he's just going to bring negativity to you.
I only sign up for stuff with friends who are also doing it because I don't want to have to go and wait forever all alone, nor would I expect my husband to. Yes, I always invite him to my runs, but if he has 'something better to do with his time (even just relaxingin!) and wants to, I don't care. Running is my thing and not his. He wouldn't expect you to sit and watch him play video games for 3 hours after standing around waiting for 2 hours,would he?!?
... and yes I know, I am not in the majority here! But sounds like your issues are not that he doesn't want to go sit and wait for you to run. Might want to see what the real issue is
I cosign this!!!
PLEASE don't listen to this.0 -
I've seen this thread before. OP complains about her SO, yadda yadda wants advice. Then when she gets the advice she asks for, she backpedals and makes excuses for her SO.
Bottom line: You deserve what you're willing to put up with.0 -
I know that when I want my boyfriend to do things like this he whines until the day of. He just gets nervous that it won't be fun and gets angry. My theory is that if they don't want to go, don't make them. It makes it less fun for you.0
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SherryTeach wrote: »Looking into the future, a man who complains about time-consuming boring activities will not sit in the hospital with your sick parents; he won't help the kids with their homework; he won't attend holiday gatherings of relatives he doesn't like and he won't do a lot of other things that are part of the fabric of a life-long relationship.
Sherry's got it about right. A relationship is about both sides giving (something I've had to learn the hard way through a few relationships).
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johnnylakis wrote: »
You deserve whatever piece of garbage you end up with.PenelopeJoye wrote: »I had a boyfriend that would drop id say averaged out $20 a day on me while he was on a $10.25/hr job yeah he was 18, hed do kind things all the time spend TONS of money on me and he was lovley 99% of the time there were just a few things that bugged me about him nothing serious at all no abuse or anything but i dumped him cus i thot hes pretty close to perfect but i think i can find a little closer. Dont settle for anything less than your dream guy
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I think he's completely overreacting, but he also does kind of have a point. It's an hour drive, and you need to get there an hour or so before race time, and then he sits around for 2-3 hours while you do something, and then an hour drive back...just so you can see him see you cross the finish line. It has to be cold in New Jersey now, right? Is he going to be sitting outside the entire time?
What's the area like near the race -- could you find him a coffee shop or somewhere warm with Wifi where he can spend the time? If you know approximately how long it should take you to run it, could he walk back to see you finish? It seems like there should be some simple compromises so you get the support you need and he doesn't have to spend hours sitting outside in the cold waiting for you.0 -
I appreciate everyone here who gave me honest, well considered advice. It helped me think more about all aspects of the argument, and it made me feel much better about the situation. I am glad I asked for other viewpoints on this. I don't feel like I'm selfish for doing something for myself, and I also can see his point of view more than I could before.
Thank you.0 -
I wouldn't use the word selfish for either of you really. I don't think either of you were considering the other person much but both had fair points that were said badly. I would be hurt if my dh lashed out and called me selfish even if he has a point. I don't think you need to dump him over one incident. You obviously can't put it behind you yet. Talk about it and really work through it. Try to understand each others pov and feelings. If you agree to put it behind you, then do that. Don't make a superficial agreement and keep seething about it.
Tell him that you understand that this is not his idea of fun but you really would appreciate him being there for your first race this size. If he is coming then thank him and try to find things he likes to do in the area or a nice place to wait for you.
It really sounds like you need to have a long calm talk about things you both are willing to do on weekends and how you will both spend money in future. If you are going to keep running races, you should probably talk about how much can go to fees, transportation and how far he is willing to travel before you sign up for anything. 6 hours is a big time commitment when you won't actually be doing anything or have anyone with you. If you really want to run somewhere farther than he wants to go or do races pretty often then be willing to go alone.
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I have learned, non runners generally don't get runners. They don't understand our motivations, our drive, our need to run..
I'd edit that to say
"Non athletes generally don't get athletes, they don't understand our motivations,k our drive and our need to be harder stronger and faster.... "
but on point.
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The only lessons to take from this: 1. Runners, do NOT get into relationships with non-runners unless you want to eventually give up running. They will whine and grind you down. 2. If you are not married, do NOT get married, whether you are a runner or not. 3. If you are already married (or in a relationship) and then became a runner.... uh.... good luck with that.0
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Sounds like both of you need to grow up a bit. Sounds like you two are not really a match.
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I would seriously reconsider if this is the person that you want to spend forever with; not so much because of the half marathon but the fact that he wants to do nothing but relax all weekend. This makes me wonder if he is helpful around the house, how would he be with children if you have any (or would it all be your job) and things like that. I would strongly suggest that you get a full-time job to add to the household budget and your independence. My husband is a bicyclist who participates in many organized races/rides. This is HIS thing. He doesn't expect me to be there, and I wouldn't want to be in a long car ride and do nothing while I wait around on him. I also want time to do MY own thing. I think couples should have their own interests and free time as well as things you enjoy doing together. This is YOUR thing. Go do it, and enjoy it!0
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Doesn't seem like a "relationship" to me if he is complaining about 95 dollars and you opted out of telling him about it. Sorry seems like roomies shacking up and hoping it works out. I would go without him or take someone who would "want" to go and be supportive enjoy yourself and then come back and think about this whole "relationship" thing and where its really going.0
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LoneWolfRunner wrote: »The only lessons to take from this: 1. Runners, do NOT get into relationships with non-runners unless you want to eventually give up running. They will whine and grind you down. 2. If you are not married, do NOT get married, whether you are a runner or not. 3. If you are already married (or in a relationship) and then became a runner.... uh.... good luck with that.
Ha! #3 is on point.
OP, I do not think you're being selfish at all. I'm sorry your fiancé is whining about going to the race, and how much you spent to run it. You set a goal for yourself and you trained hard to be able to do it. That's exciting and impressive, and I think your fiancé should be there to witness it (especially if he's been supportive this whole time...I would think he'd want to see you finish). Good luck in the race!! I hope he goes because he realizes how important it is to you, and not because he's afraid you'll never let him live it down.0 -
A band teachers job is stressful...I don't know why, but that made me laugh. I hope he is young because he is obviously immature. Move on, it won't get any better.0
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I understand wanting your "me time" during the weekend when you work all week but adults have to get over that. It's time to grow up. If he's whining about losing 6 hours on his weekend (the weekend is 24 hours...come on...you can't give up 6 hours ONCE?), it's gonna be a rough road ahead. You're not asking him to give up half a day every single weekend to do nothing. This is a simple request and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Whining about this tells me that he's going to complain about so much more in the future and be very bratty.
If anyone is being selfish, it's him. You're doing something for your health (which he apparently does encourage), setting goals, pushing yourself to succeed, etc. You're doing the RIGHT things. Things that should be supported by your significant other. Heck, my recent exercise dedication has literally taken hours out of my week that I used to spend with him. Yes, I'm sure it annoys him. If I tell him I need to push back something we were doing a couple of hours because I need to work out, he may make a sad face but understands. But he's proud of me for being so dedicated and working hard. That's what you're fiance should be doing. It may not be 100% awesome for him but it is great for your health and happiness and that should make him support you 100% without such drama.
I just don't understand how 6 hours once out of the fall could create such a dramatic, whiny reaction from a grown man. This sounds like the complaining I did as a child when my parents made me go watch my little brother's little league baseball game
. "Why do I have to go watch kids play baseball 3 hours away? It's boring? I have no one to hang out with? What will I do? What if I get hungry? Can't I just stay at home. I'll be responsible." 0 -
If he resents going leave him behind. Literally for starters. Figuratively if necessary. In general I pick and choose my battles. This argument obviously is distracting yu from enjoyment of your achievement. At this point you will enjoy more solo. Long term realize that if this really bothers you and yu want someone who will be there at the finish line. This person isn't him. Aka find resolution (reflect) prior to marriage. People don't change. Unless they want to0
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The next time he's excited about a high score in his video game, tell him that's boring.0
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