Ethics Question..
Replies
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I would want to know if someone saw my husband because I am really scared of diseases and would want to know if he had safe sex. Then we would deal with the cheating part.
The relative I think I would tell them. I would feel bad that they would be hurt but I think they would want to know.
The best friend, if for some reason I didn't tell them, I would let the other person know that I know.
Something did happen like this to someone I know where they told the person and the other person didn't want to believe it was anything.
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RoseyDgirl wrote: »I'd want to know. and, I would owe it to my best friend to give her the same honesty. but then, my best friends are 25 years and committed - we're like sisters. and, through thick and thin - friends are there forever - husbands can be transitory.
Tell your best friend of 25 years you saw her husband cheating on her and before you know it you're a lying *kitten* who's just jealous of her happiness. Seen it happen.
Exactly why I wouldn't say anything.0 -
I'd want to know why you were at the hotel too0
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If it was truly my best friend or a family member I would have to say something. If it was a casual accquaintance I might be more reluctant because I don't know where thier marriage/relationship is at. Perhaps they have agreed to something between themselve that I have no knowledge of. But someone I am close to, that I know for a fact doesn't have an "open relationship" damn right I am saying something.
I have been on the other side of that fence before...cheated on constantly by my first husband. Plenty of people knew, including a supposed "friend" I had known for 10 years at the time. He said nothing and admitted that he wouldn't have no matter what because it wasn't his business. That is a major reason he is no longer my friend.0 -
No.
No.
Yes.
Reason: I don't know their relationship. Maybe they're open; it is 2014 after all. Not my business to intrude or presume they have the same type of relationship that I do.
Yes on the third because I know my relationship boundaries. However, if my best friend has the same philosophy as I do (which is likely since we are best friends) they would not tell me because they don't know details of my relationship.
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Tough one.
Friends: I think I would call the person allegedly cheating and ask them what was going on before I jump to conclusions (even if it was obvious). If they were cheating, I would hope that they decide on their own to do the right thing. I doubt I would tell the other person, as much as it would eat me up inside.
Family: This would include my best friend. I would push for the cheater to come clean. If they didn't, I would have to seriously consider telling the other person.
My partner is seen?: as much as it would hurt, I would appreciate being told, and then the person that saw it needs to butt out so I can deal with my family issues in private.
I don't really know why I have 3 different answers, and I truly don't know what I would actually do in any of those situations. I hope I never have to.0 -
UncleGorilla wrote: »The true question is... What does reporting what you see to anyone prove, and/or solve?
In reality, one has absolutely no idea what occurred in that room. It's likely they had sex, but the witness doesn't know that for sure, unless that person was watching through the window... and that beckons an entire new set of ethical and legal questions.
My statement above will likely lead to a, "But you have a moral obligation to your friend, etc etc.." Why? Who died and made me the Morality Police?
Most people who "tattle on" other people's behavior mask their true intentions, albeit subconsciously most of the time.
They're not reporting these details to "help their friends." They're propagating gossip in an effort to appear "noble" whilst condemning another party and "putting them in their place."
It's crap.
"But Uncle Gorilla, adultery is a sin..." (Gotta love the Bible-Beaters)
A. Wooptie-doo
B. Let's take the ever present-Bible-defense head-on...
Adultery is a sin. So is Gossip. In fact, "gossip" is referenced as a mortal sin twenty-seven (27) times throughout the Bible. (I'm not a big religious guy. I'm a lawyer, and I love using the other side's facts against them.
)
Thus, for those riding your moral high-horse... while you're holding the Bible and dialing your friends to "report the details," you might want to pickup a few rocks while you're at it. Your glass house may be a bit stuffy.
I don't give a fat rat's *kitten* if adultery is a sin or not. I'm not religious. And it has NOTHING to do with riding a moral high horse. If I witnessed my best friend's, or sister's partner in such a situation, I'd let my friend/sister know exactly what I saw. How they want to deal with the partner is up to them. Maybe he has a reason for being in the hotel room.. maybe nothing was going on... maybe they have an arrangement.. I don't know and I don't care... That's something for my BEST friend/sister to figure out I'd just give them the information and let them figure it out supporting them if my support is wanted/needed.
If it was just an acquaintance or a casual friend then no, I'd keep my mouth shut.0 -
totaldetermination wrote: »You see your best friend's partner coming out of a hotel room with someone else.
I say something.
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LoneWolf_70 wrote: »Men: Stay out of it
Women: OMG you have to tell him/her.
Just interesting.
i stand corrected.
Nosy People: OMG you have to tell
Wise People: Let it be.
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yep to all 3 because I know that I would want to know if it were happening to me. If they didn't want to do anything about it after they knew, that's their business.0
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So you've figured out that women and men deal tend to deal with things differently. Thank you for your clever insight.LoneWolf_70 wrote: »LoneWolf_70 wrote: »Men: Stay out of it
Women: OMG you have to tell him/her.
Just interesting.
i stand corrected.
Nosy People: OMG you have to tell
Wise People: Let it be.
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state the facts- and nothing but the facts.
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Pretty easy. My best friend, sister and parent (mother) have all been cheated on multiply times so I would definitely tell them what's going on.
Idk, I feel like if someone else is potentially fcking your best friend's/sibling's/parent's partner, that's some pretty hefty information to withhold. That's how std's get passed around. It happened to one of my aunts. I don't see how that's being nosy.0 -
I'm not saying anything and I don't want anybody telling me anything.0
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I've been the one that's been cheated on and EVERYONE knew except me. I was preggo @ the time and thank the GODS that I didn't catch anything or pass anything onto my child.
The folks that knew...well I don't speak to them anymore. They really couldn't give me a reason why they withheld that information. I did end up leaving when my daughter was 4 months old, and EVERY one of my "friends" that knew called me w/in days of me moving out to tell me they already knew. =\
Just some food for thought...0 -
I'd tell everyone but the spouses that it would effect.
Same deal with people I date: whatever we do is between just you and all my friends.0 -
Tell them. I would want someone to tell me.0
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UncleGorilla wrote: »Missjulesdid wrote: »I don't give a fat rat's *kitten* if adultery is a sin or not. I'm not religious. And it has NOTHING to do with riding a moral high horse. If I witnessed my best friend's, or sister's partner in such a situation, I'd let my friend/sister know exactly what I saw. How they want to deal with the partner is up to them. Maybe he has a reason for being in the hotel room.. maybe nothing was going on... maybe they have an arrangement.. I don't know and I don't care... That's something for my BEST friend/sister to figure out I'd just give them the information and let them figure it out supporting them if my support is wanted/needed.
If it was just an acquaintance or a casual friend then no, I'd keep my mouth shut.
So, to be clear...
You'd give them your subjective observations, with no tangible evidence, that will likely be devastating to their entire existence... then step-back after lighting that fuse and say, "Have fun dealing with that horrible, terrible, awful thing I just told you about, but offered no proof. Just know... I care, and I'm here for you."
That's kinda like shooting them in the chest, then sayin "I'm here... to fill the void... that I just created in your chest, with that shotgun someone else manufactured."
You're basically a saint.
Have you considered writing Christmas cards for Hallmark as a career choice?
Interesting thoughts, but this is all going by the assumption that everyone would prefer ignorance over pain.
My in-laws hate me. They talk mad trash about me, accuse me of dominating and pushing my husband around, and even tried to sabotage my engagement. I had no idea. They said they loved me, hugged me, "invited" me into the family, and made me feel welcome.
Six months after the wedding the truth came out, and I am still not over the feelings of betrayal. This was four years ago. If they had said straight from the beginning, "We have reservations about you marrying our son, we don't really like you, and we'd like you to break up with him." it would have stung, but shortly after I told them to jump off a cliff, we could have gotten to the bottom of what was wrong, and potentially come to a peaceful resolution.
As it stands, they are not welcome in our home and they are not privy to any contact, communication, or pictures of our son, their grandson, (husband's decision) for what they did to me and how badly they hurt me with their lies. The truth would have hurt for a while, but their lies have ruined lives.
It all depends on what the best friend values more: ignorant bliss, or the truth ant whatever cost. A true best friend would know which one the other prefers.
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No, no and no.
I wouldn't say anything to my friend because I don't know what is going on in his/her relationship and it's not my place to pry. Anyway, people can tell if there is something strange going on in their relationships and these things generally have a way of working themselves out into the open over time.
I might get involved depending on the relationship with the family member but probably not. Some family members wouldn't believe you if their partner was kissing someone else right in front of them.
I wouldn't want someone telling me this type of information because I should be able to pretty much figure it out on my own and someone else telling me would make me feel even more like an idiot than just finding it out for myself.0 -
UncleGorilla wrote: »Hmm. What are these "friends" of which you speak? I'm not familiar with that term.
They are people who you are nice to, and who like you and aren't afraid of you. You, know...nice? As in, not mean? I know you know this one, dig deep.
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I wouldn't want someone telling me this type of information because I should be able to pretty much figure it out on my own and someone else telling me would make me feel even more like an idiot than just finding it out for myself.
I disagree with this. My pride isn't so delicate that I'd get my feelings hurt if someone told me where a puzzle piece goes instead of letting my figure it out. That's just me, though. Friends are there to help one another, and it's a sign of maturity and strength to be able to accept that help with grace.0 -
UncleGorilla wrote: »And I'm not questioning ignorance over pain. Nor the choices conveyed between individuals. I'm questioning motivation. Specifically the motivation of the one doing the "informing."
In it's simplest form, I'm questioning one's mindset of...
"I feel it's right to tell someone I care about some awful, terrible news...
that which I only anecdotally witnessed...
and don't know to actually be factual nor true...
which will certainly ruin their life...
because I'm a good person, and it's the right thing to do..."
Sure.
Ok then.
I would never fool myself by telling myself "it's the right thing to do".
My best friend's husband is (almost certainly) boinking someone NOT his wife, I think the concept of "the right thing to do" is long out the window. At this point it boils down to what you feel the best friend would want you to do, and act accordingly.0 -
AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »UncleGorilla wrote: »Missjulesdid wrote: »I don't give a fat rat's *kitten* if adultery is a sin or not. I'm not religious. And it has NOTHING to do with riding a moral high horse. If I witnessed my best friend's, or sister's partner in such a situation, I'd let my friend/sister know exactly what I saw. How they want to deal with the partner is up to them. Maybe he has a reason for being in the hotel room.. maybe nothing was going on... maybe they have an arrangement.. I don't know and I don't care... That's something for my BEST friend/sister to figure out I'd just give them the information and let them figure it out supporting them if my support is wanted/needed.
If it was just an acquaintance or a casual friend then no, I'd keep my mouth shut.
So, to be clear...
You'd give them your subjective observations, with no tangible evidence, that will likely be devastating to their entire existence... then step-back after lighting that fuse and say, "Have fun dealing with that horrible, terrible, awful thing I just told you about, but offered no proof. Just know... I care, and I'm here for you."
That's kinda like shooting them in the chest, then sayin "I'm here... to fill the void... that I just created in your chest, with that shotgun someone else manufactured."
You're basically a saint.
Have you considered writing Christmas cards for Hallmark as a career choice?
Interesting thoughts, but this is all going by the assumption that everyone would prefer ignorance over pain.
My in-laws hate me. They talk mad trash about me, accuse me of dominating and pushing my husband around, and even tried to sabotage my engagement. I had no idea. They said they loved me, hugged me, "invited" me into the family, and made me feel welcome.
Six months after the wedding the truth came out, and I am still not over the feelings of betrayal. This was four years ago. If they had said straight from the beginning, "We have reservations about you marrying our son, we don't really like you, and we'd like you to break up with him." it would have stung, but shortly after I told them to jump off a cliff, we could have gotten to the bottom of what was wrong, and potentially come to a peaceful resolution.
As it stands, they are not welcome in our home and they are not privy to any contact, communication, or pictures of our son, their grandson, (husband's decision) for what they did to me and how badly they hurt me with their lies. The truth would have hurt for a while, but their lies have ruined lives.
It all depends on what the best friend values more: ignorant bliss, or the truth ant whatever cost. A true best friend would know which one the other prefers.
I'd hazard a guess that the animosity between you and the in-laws probably wouldn't have gone away just because they were up front with you about their feelings and it doesn't sound like any of you are the forgiving type. Just saying.0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »I'd confront the partner and give them the chance to tell my friend/relative and if they refused or didn't within a reasonable period (I'm talking a few hours), I'd tell my friend/relative. Been there, done that.
This is what I would do as well.
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AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »UncleGorilla wrote: »Missjulesdid wrote: »I don't give a fat rat's *kitten* if adultery is a sin or not. I'm not religious. And it has NOTHING to do with riding a moral high horse. If I witnessed my best friend's, or sister's partner in such a situation, I'd let my friend/sister know exactly what I saw. How they want to deal with the partner is up to them. Maybe he has a reason for being in the hotel room.. maybe nothing was going on... maybe they have an arrangement.. I don't know and I don't care... That's something for my BEST friend/sister to figure out I'd just give them the information and let them figure it out supporting them if my support is wanted/needed.
If it was just an acquaintance or a casual friend then no, I'd keep my mouth shut.
So, to be clear...
You'd give them your subjective observations, with no tangible evidence, that will likely be devastating to their entire existence... then step-back after lighting that fuse and say, "Have fun dealing with that horrible, terrible, awful thing I just told you about, but offered no proof. Just know... I care, and I'm here for you."
That's kinda like shooting them in the chest, then sayin "I'm here... to fill the void... that I just created in your chest, with that shotgun someone else manufactured."
You're basically a saint.
Have you considered writing Christmas cards for Hallmark as a career choice?
Interesting thoughts, but this is all going by the assumption that everyone would prefer ignorance over pain.
My in-laws hate me. They talk mad trash about me, accuse me of dominating and pushing my husband around, and even tried to sabotage my engagement. I had no idea. They said they loved me, hugged me, "invited" me into the family, and made me feel welcome.
Six months after the wedding the truth came out, and I am still not over the feelings of betrayal. This was four years ago. If they had said straight from the beginning, "We have reservations about you marrying our son, we don't really like you, and we'd like you to break up with him." it would have stung, but shortly after I told them to jump off a cliff, we could have gotten to the bottom of what was wrong, and potentially come to a peaceful resolution.
As it stands, they are not welcome in our home and they are not privy to any contact, communication, or pictures of our son, their grandson, (husband's decision) for what they did to me and how badly they hurt me with their lies. The truth would have hurt for a while, but their lies have ruined lives.
It all depends on what the best friend values more: ignorant bliss, or the truth ant whatever cost. A true best friend would know which one the other prefers.
I'd hazard a guess that the animosity between you and the in-laws probably wouldn't have gone away just because they were up front with you about their feelings and it doesn't sound like any of you are the forgiving type. Just saying.
You would be wrong, then. I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth. Call me a rhymes-with-stunt, go ahead, I promise I'll be fine. I can't stand being lied to. I can certainly forgive ( and have done so many, many times), if I feel like I can trust the person again. If you've lied to me, I can't trust you.
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Depends on what kind of pictures I could get. If I can't get a decent series with obvious cheating and clear faces I am keeping my mouth shut. No one ever believes the person who tells them their partner is going around behind their back.
Even with pictures I'd have a hard time justifying saying anything. For one thing, I don't necessarily know their relationship status. There are plenty of poly and open-relationship couples who don't tell their friends and family. Handing over pictures of John's affair when really Susan is the third in their triad is just awkward. If I felt I absolutely had to say something (for instance if I knew the couple was trying for a baby and therefore at a higher risk for STI transmission) I'd probably anonymously mail the pictures and hope for the best. Person still knows what's going on, but no one's transferring their anger and hurt onto me.0 -
UncleGorilla wrote: »I also find it amusing the "righteousness" exuded from women, expressing their "concern" to their female friends.
Let screw with your minds for a second.
Statistically, women cheat on men AS MUCH as men cheat on women.
Thus, is the same level of "concern and love" conveyed toward these same female friends if THEY'RE the ones doing the cheating? As in, it's your BFF (that you care so deeply for) doing the cheating. Are we running to tell her husband? I mean, he deserves to know, right?
Hmm?
What?
I missed what you were thinking, as you sat back and enveloped yourself in stanch silence.
Wait, I'm just getting warmed-up.
There are multiple studies that establish the fact that approximately 37% of married men... cheat... WITH OTHER MEN.
What about those BFF's?
I mean, you're doing "God's work" by bringing to light that your BFF's husband is not only cheating, but... that he also prefers man-meat over her.
Wow.
It's basically the same as giving her a gift certificate for a four-hour, deep tissue massage.
But wait... I'm not quite done ruining your day.
What about the kids?
You know, your BFF's children, who are completely innocent in all of their parent's activities who are going to be emotionally devastated by you "doing the right thing?"
No applause needed.
Be sure to tip your waitresses.
God, you're sick. I'll bite, though.
In the case of the BFF cheating, I'd express my personal disapproval of the cheating, but leave it up to her to come clean. Maybe it's a slight double standard, but I'm not BFFs with her husband, so what happens to him is of less concern to me than than my best friend.
The children scenario is a little dicier. To me, It would probably depend on the age of the child and the partners involved, and the nature of their relationship. For now, I'll just bank on the surety that no one in my life is that...let's say depraved. So my chances of being put in a scenario like this are pretty slim.0 -
UncleGorilla wrote: »I also find it amusing the "righteousness" exuded from women, expressing their "concern" to their female friends.
Let screw with your minds for a second.
Statistically, women cheat on men AS MUCH as men cheat on women.
Thus, is the same level of "concern and love" conveyed toward these same female friends if THEY'RE the ones doing the cheating? As in, it's your BFF (that you care so deeply for) doing the cheating. Are we running to tell her husband? I mean, he deserves to know, right?
Hmm?
What?
I missed what you were thinking, as you sat back and enveloped yourself in stanch silence.
Wait, I'm just getting warmed-up.
There are multiple studies that establish the fact that approximately 37% of married men... cheat... WITH OTHER MEN.
What about those BFF's?
I mean, you're doing "God's work" by bringing to light that your BFF's husband is not only cheating, but... that he also prefers man-meat over her.
Wow.
It's basically the same as giving her a gift certificate for a four-hour, deep tissue massage.
But wait... I'm not quite done ruining your day.
What about the kids?
You know, your BFF's children, who are completely innocent in all of their parent's activities who are going to be emotionally devastated by you "doing the right thing?"
No applause needed.
Be sure to tip your waitresses.
[quote)
Not agreening nor disagreening with this post (Not really sure what I would do.) But as for your part about the kids, I think it might be worse for the cheating spouse to be bringing diseases home? Or giving something life threatening to their mother and leaving the children without both parents. Just a thought0 -
UncleGorilla wrote: »Now, your POV obviously was just a POV you were sharing, but I felt the need to reply, as some of us aren't simply gossip Mongers, but people who genuinely love our family (and we consider our friends our family), and believe this IS the right thing to do. That turning a blind eye, is a slap in the face to someone you love.
You'd destroy a relationship based entirely on your subjective observation, with no proof, because you genuinely love the person that you're destroying with the information... 'Cause you've unilaterally determined it's "the right thing to do."
The love conveyed there, brings a tear to the eye.
Offers you up a glass of wine to go with that humble pie that you seem to be so fond of eating. You'd first, have to know the relationship that I have with my best friend. If she found out I had seen Steve coming out of a hotel room with a woman, REGARDLESS of the circumstances, she'd be beyond pissed at me, and rightfully so. Would it destroy their relationship if nothing happened? Absolutely not. Even if something DID happen, would it destroy the relationship? I can't say that. It's up her and Steve to determine if what they have is worth salvaging. Regardless, Monger and I have discussed many things over the years, and we've discussed what's right for us. It might not be "your" ideal definition of right, then again, most of the things I do or support seems to be against what society deems as "right".
Tell me, did you not get enough hugs as a child? Who hurt you? We can talk about this. Maybe you never had a best friend. Maybe you never had any friends. It's not too late, you know.
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