Irrational fears? Weight loss and Infidelity.
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For many reasons, in the past I've wanted the anonymity that comes from being the fat guy. Dealing with those issues has been an integral part of me finally being able to lose weight in a healthy way. I wasn't worried about temptation--I just didn't want the attention.0
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Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
Just like an alcoholic may choose not to enter a bar or go to a party where alcohol is served, someone who knows that they have a weakness for straying from their spouse may chose to use weight to keep themselves away from their kryptonite. The fear is not irrational at all. Those who say that they should just 'not do it' have no idea how difficult it may be to walk that line.
Those who have been courageous and have shared the reasons that they had struggled with giving up the comfort and security of being overweight are to be commended for their openness. Ridiculing those who have these legitimate reasons is neither helpful nor mature.0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
Health isn't a real issue this person is 5'10ish and fluctuates between 160ish-180ish.
This doesn't make much sense. If they are only gaining a few lbs how would that make them undesirable to the opposite sex, which is apparently the goal? But health is not only about weight. What you describe is not healthy.
But when this person is heavier they are able to dismiss compliments while when they look leaner or more fit they find them uncomfortable. Their insecurity has nothing to do with how others think of them and everything to do with how they feel.
So they purposely make themselves more unattractive to theirself. Um, yeah, no psychological disorder there.0 -
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
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ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
That's not at all what I said. What I said was they would probably cheat if given the opportunity no matter what weight they are. Using the excuse they would cheat if they lost weight is not a good reason to stay overweight. What's more honorable to me is choosing to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and not being stuck in an unhappy relationship for the sake of holding your family together.
so weight does trump family for you. That's fine, I just understand your animosity for those who chose family over weight now.
I know I'm not in this conversation but why on earth would someone want to be in a relationship where they even have to choose between their family and being healthier??0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »JenAndSome wrote: »Wow, a whole new excuse for people to not put effort into their appearance. I am pretty sure that if someone is worried they will stray from their relationship if they lose weight, they would stray from their relationship if someone approached them while they are overweight, too. Might as well be sexy while being a cheating douche, right?
Aren't you a peach! Is there a reason this topic created such a harsh and judgmental response from you?
I don't know, maybe it's just that I am not a fan of people who make excuses or people who cheat. If someone is so worried about their ability to be faithful that they choose to stay overweight, maybe they shouldn't be in that relationship at all.
So choosing to break up a family is somehow more honorable to you than choosing to be overweight?
The underlying issue is the irrationality of viewing it as one of those two choices.
That's the real problem here.
Bottom line - whoever made that claim in the OP is trying to rationalize bad choices. And that's almost never a healthy thing to do.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
Yes, I agree. That is extremely unfortunate. I can understand why weight and health would not be a priority in such a situation.
Health isn't a real issue this person is 5'10ish and fluctuates between 160ish-180ish.
This doesn't make much sense. If they are only gaining a few lbs how would that make them undesirable to the opposite sex, which is apparently the goal? But health is not only about weight. What you describe is not healthy.
But when this person is heavier they are able to dismiss compliments while when they look leaner or more fit they find them uncomfortable. Their insecurity has nothing to do with how others think of them and everything to do with how they feel.
So they purposely make themselves more unattractive to theirself. Um, yeah, no psychological disorder there.
Your distain for this persons choices has been noted, and again they are working on it. The op asked for examples and I gave one I know of. Your judgment of them with the limited info you have gotten from some message board posts is unfortunate.0 -
I'm not worried about cheating on my SO when I lose weight... And he's already putting out more now than he did when I was 12lbs heavier. I'm hoping losing weight brings us closer. I'm kind of a *kitten* when I'm fat0
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That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!0 -
RekindledRose wrote: »Just like an alcoholic may choose not to enter a bar or go to a party where alcohol is served, someone who knows that they have a weakness for straying from their spouse may chose to use weight to keep themselves away from their kryptonite.
For that analogy to make any sense, the "weak" person would need to choose to not enter relationships, not bury their face in tubs of ice cream.
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If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
And quit complaining about how people react to the people you're talking about. Don't put it out there if you don't want people to respond. Of course they're going to judge. You are describing people who are very screwed up.
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Since when is being thin some automatic entrance to model for Victoria secret or something? There are a plenty of thin people that are perceived as unattractive. As many as there are fat people that are perceived as attractive. Thinking you're thin = attractive is false. Thinking your fat = unattractive is false.0
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It is a wonderful feeling to be heathly and to look nice. My wife an I both stay in shape and maintain a healthy wieght. I believe I owe it to my wife to be fit and look nice for her. It does wonders for our marriage and self esteem. Never worry about being unfaithful. We are always ready to meet each others needs.0
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blktngldhrt wrote: »I'm not worried about cheating on my SO when I lose weight... And he's already putting out more now than he did when I was 12lbs heavier. I'm hoping losing weight brings us closer. I'm kind of a *kitten* when I'm fat
Can you go one post without attacking this person? I understand you are passionate about the topic but why label them without knowing them? It is your right to post and feel how you want, but your inability to remove your judgmental comments, in a discussion you claim is straight forward black and white, speaks volumes.
If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
And quit complaining about how people react to the people you're talking about. Don't put it out there if you don't want people to respond. Of course they're going to judge. You are describing people who are very screwed up.
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ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
They should figure out why they struggle so much with temptation and fix it not use it as an excuse to stay overweight which is what this entire thread is about in the first place. If they cannot fix what is wrong with them, then yes they should stay single instead of risking breaking someone's trust. Either that or they could choose to have an open relationship where they could have their sexual needs met without hurting the person they love. No one is condemning this wonderful couple to anything but themselves. All of us are just expressing our opinions that their relationship sounds unhealthy and sad.0 -
Ok so not so much because I am worried the extra attention would lead to infidelity but I did hear this kinda thing from my doc. He asked me a weird questiong-- He said what are you going to do when you lose the weight- how will you handle all the attention-- I just looked at him like what the hell are you talking about- I get attention now! Lol,, He said that many women he has met have these issues-- when they lose a lot of weight they then think everyone is looking at them and it makes them uncomfortable-- well I don't have that issue-- look away.
However,, I have always said that one of the reasons I haven't lost the weight yet is because I have been afraid that I would no longer be willing to put up with my husbands *kitten* anymore-- and low and behold I got to that point anyway!! Oh well such is life!0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
That makes no sense to me. If someone desires a monogamous relationship, why would they struggle with temptation? The definition of monogamous is having one mate or spouse. If you are being tempted, then maybe you aren't ready for a monogamous relationship. Or haven't found the person you want to be monogamous with. Maybe I am naive.
To the OP's question, no, I have never desired to cheat on my husband. I don't cheat, fat or thin. Neither does he.
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If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
So much this.0 -
JenAndSome wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
They should figure out why they struggle so much with temptation and fix it not use it as an excuse to stay overweight which is what this entire thread is about in the first place. If they cannot fix what is wrong with them, then yes they should stay single instead of risking breaking someone's trust. Either that or they could choose to have an open relationship where they could have their sexual needs met without hurting the person they love. No one is condemning this wonderful couple to anything but themselves. All of us are just expressing our opinions that their relationship sounds unhealthy and sad.
Again this person is Working on this. This discussion wasn't supposed to be if it is a healthy mindset or not, just that it is one that some people struggle with.0 -
Cheaters cheat...fat, thin, young, old, attractive, ugly. Don't blame opportunity, weight loss, temptation or anything else.0
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