Irrational fears? Weight loss and Infidelity.
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malavika413 wrote: »This sounds horribly selfish, but I'm a little bit happy that my boyfriend is out of shape, because most of the girls I know would probably steal him away from me if he was athletic.
No one can "steal" someone from you.if he allows himself to be "stolen" he wasn't" yours to begin with.0 -
BusyRaeNOTBusty wrote: »
I see this on here a lot and I suppose it may be true if you are very obese and then lose weight, but I have been overweight, thin and fit and all levels in between over my married years, as has my husband. It's never really affected sex for us.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »BusyRaeNOTBusty wrote: »
I see this on here a lot and I suppose it may be true if you are very obese and then lose weight, but I have been overweight, thin and fit and all levels in between over my married years, as has my husband. It's never really affected sex for us.
I think what makes it "better" is people generally have more confidence when they are fit. I've never been very overweight, but I used to always fret about how everything looked naked. Now, I don't. That in and of itself makes sex better.0 -
Piledriver is a lot easier when both parties are fit.0
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »BusyRaeNOTBusty wrote: »
I see this on here a lot and I suppose it may be true if you are very obese and then lose weight, but I have been overweight, thin and fit and all levels in between over my married years, as has my husband. It's never really affected sex for us.
We've never been overweight (with the exception of pregnancy) but are at our most fit now, and after 10 years of marriage the sex is better than it's ever been. But then again, correlation does not equal causation, however I know I'm more confident and have less inhibitions when I'm fit. Could also be that I'm older now too. Meh, who knows.0 -
hbrittingham wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »hbrittingham wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
That makes no sense to me. If someone desires a monogamous relationship, why would they struggle with temptation? The definition of monogamous is having one mate or spouse. If you are being tempted, then maybe you aren't ready for a monogamous relationship. Or haven't found the person you want to be monogamous with. Maybe I am naive.
To the OP's question, no, I have never desired to cheat on my husband. I don't cheat, fat or thin. Neither does he.
In this instance it is a commitment made as a young person that has been honored and love has grown over the years, but that sexual spark many are fortunate enough to experience has been absent. This person loves the person they are with but after being married and having children felt that chemistry with someone they worked closely with. This terrified them and also made them long for that feeling.
Is it really wrong to stay with a loving partner just because you felt a spark with someone else?
Is it really that crazy that someone who never felt that spark before would be terrified of what would come about if they felt that strong connection again?
No, it's not crazy. But it's not realistic in a long term relationship to expect that spark of excitement you get in a new relationship. I've been married for almost 23 years and together for 25 years with my husband. I met him at 23 and married him at 25. Over time a marriage grows into something more than the infatuation and butterflies you felt at the beginning. You can still have a spark, but it takes work, sometimes a LOT of work. But the shared history and shared core values may never be there with that person who is making your belly do somersaults, even if it seems like they are on the greener side of the fence.
If you want to be committed to your SO and not cheat, then you might want to put that energy you are using on this other person back into your relationship and see if you can spark things up. It's worth it. I am married to my best friend and the only man I want to sleep with, because we both make the effort to make our marriage as good as it can be.
First this person built their marriage on love, a determination to support each other and, commitment to the vows they took.
Second this person never, even at the beginning of their relationship, felt this wonderful and exciting chemical attraction or spark with their now spouse.
Third they have been married for over thirty years and understand the work a lasting relationship takes.
You are blessed to be attracted to your best friend, and to have felt that spark with him.
This couple works continuously to strengthen their marriage. They are honest with each other about the struggles they have and work to overcome them together.0 -
__drmerc__ wrote: »I'd rather be a thin cheater than be fat and stuck in a monogamous relationship
bahaha. I do what I want.0 -
ugh i don't know about that, one of the reasons for me to be fit is to be as attractive as i can for my boyfriend. Besides he likes it when other guys look at me, but then again he knows i love him, and i guess it's natural for guys to feel proud when they have something others want. Not trying to brag or anything! I just noticed he kind of enjoys it too much and i thought it was weird at the beginning. So I generally think being fit is just going to improve your relationship.0
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »BusyRaeNOTBusty wrote: »
I see this on here a lot and I suppose it may be true if you are very obese and then lose weight, but I have been overweight, thin and fit and all levels in between over my married years, as has my husband. It's never really affected sex for us.
Then you need to be more creative
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I lost 66lbs after our 2nd baby. I got lots of looks, but then I did before my pregnancies too. I'm not one to compliment myself, but even when I put on some weight I still have nice curves, and I have a pretty face which doesn't really show weight gain. I've never even considered cheating. So, after I lost 66lbs....I ended up pregnant again lol.0
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And I repeat: If you didn't want these people judged, you should have kept your fingers shut and not put the story out there.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »blktngldhrt wrote: »I'm not worried about cheating on my SO when I lose weight... And he's already putting out more now than he did when I was 12lbs heavier. I'm hoping losing weight brings us closer. I'm kind of a *kitten* when I'm fat
Can you go one post without attacking this person? I understand you are passionate about the topic but why label them without knowing them? It is your right to post and feel how you want, but your inability to remove your judgmental comments, in a discussion you claim is straight forward black and white, speaks volumes.
If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
And quit complaining about how people react to the people you're talking about. Don't put it out there if you don't want people to respond. Of course they're going to judge. You are describing people who are very screwed up.
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^^^^^^^^hbrittingham wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »hbrittingham wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
That makes no sense to me. If someone desires a monogamous relationship, why would they struggle with temptation? The definition of monogamous is having one mate or spouse. If you are being tempted, then maybe you aren't ready for a monogamous relationship. Or haven't found the person you want to be monogamous with. Maybe I am naive.
To the OP's question, no, I have never desired to cheat on my husband. I don't cheat, fat or thin. Neither does he.
In this instance it is a commitment made as a young person that has been honored and love has grown over the years, but that sexual spark many are fortunate enough to experience has been absent. This person loves the person they are with but after being married and having children felt that chemistry with someone they worked closely with. This terrified them and also made them long for that feeling.
Is it really wrong to stay with a loving partner just because you felt a spark with someone else?
Is it really that crazy that someone who never felt that spark before would be terrified of what would come about if they felt that strong connection again?
No, it's not crazy. But it's not realistic in a long term relationship to expect that spark of excitement you get in a new relationship. I've been married for almost 23 years and together for 25 years with my husband. I met him at 23 and married him at 25. Over time a marriage grows into something more than the infatuation and butterflies you felt at the beginning. You can still have a spark, but it takes work, sometimes a LOT of work. But the shared history and shared core values may never be there with that person who is making your belly do somersaults, even if it seems like they are on the greener side of the fence.
If you want to be committed to your SO and not cheat, then you might want to put that energy you are using on this other person back into your relationship and see if you can spark things up. It's worth it. I am married to my best friend and the only man I want to sleep with, because we both make the effort to make our marriage as good as it can be.
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And I repeat: If you didn't want these people judged, you should have kept your fingers shut and not put the story out there.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »blktngldhrt wrote: »I'm not worried about cheating on my SO when I lose weight... And he's already putting out more now than he did when I was 12lbs heavier. I'm hoping losing weight brings us closer. I'm kind of a *kitten* when I'm fat
Can you go one post without attacking this person? I understand you are passionate about the topic but why label them without knowing them? It is your right to post and feel how you want, but your inability to remove your judgmental comments, in a discussion you claim is straight forward black and white, speaks volumes.
If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
And quit complaining about how people react to the people you're talking about. Don't put it out there if you don't want people to respond. Of course they're going to judge. You are describing people who are very screwed up.
Get that logic out of here!!!
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And I repeat: If you didn't want these people judged, you should have kept your fingers shut and not put the story out there.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »blktngldhrt wrote: »I'm not worried about cheating on my SO when I lose weight... And he's already putting out more now than he did when I was 12lbs heavier. I'm hoping losing weight brings us closer. I'm kind of a *kitten* when I'm fat
Can you go one post without attacking this person? I understand you are passionate about the topic but why label them without knowing them? It is your right to post and feel how you want, but your inability to remove your judgmental comments, in a discussion you claim is straight forward black and white, speaks volumes.
If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
And quit complaining about how people react to the people you're talking about. Don't put it out there if you don't want people to respond. Of course they're going to judge. You are describing people who are very screwed up.
again volumes! It's sad that because you have no ability to debate/discuss like an adult, without name calling, or character attacks, others have to refrain from answering threads.0 -
fenderman9 wrote: »A lot of overweight people have "good reasons" for staying overweight or rationalizations for keeping the weight on. I thought it might be interesting to explore one of them being, "If I lose a lot of weight, I'm going to be a lot more attractive and with the added attention from the opposite sex, it might affect my current relationship". Thoughts, opinions or better yet real life stories would be great to hear.
All I thought about was how much more fun sex was going to be with my already healthy beautiful wife.0 -
ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
And I repeat: If you didn't want these people judged, you should have kept your fingers shut and not put the story out there.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »blktngldhrt wrote: »I'm not worried about cheating on my SO when I lose weight... And he's already putting out more now than he did when I was 12lbs heavier. I'm hoping losing weight brings us closer. I'm kind of a *kitten* when I'm fat
Can you go one post without attacking this person? I understand you are passionate about the topic but why label them without knowing them? It is your right to post and feel how you want, but your inability to remove your judgmental comments, in a discussion you claim is straight forward black and white, speaks volumes.
If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
And quit complaining about how people react to the people you're talking about. Don't put it out there if you don't want people to respond. Of course they're going to judge. You are describing people who are very screwed up.
again volumes! It's sad that because you have no ability to debate/discuss like an adult, without name calling, or character attacks, others have to refrain from answering threads.
Yes, but there have been perfectly fine responses that you have perceived as attacks. You are being highly sensitive on this issue, for whatever reason.0 -
I may have miss read some of your comments, and you let me know I was reading a tone that wasn't there, and I did answers the questions raised.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
And I repeat: If you didn't want these people judged, you should have kept your fingers shut and not put the story out there.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »blktngldhrt wrote: »I'm not worried about cheating on my SO when I lose weight... And he's already putting out more now than he did when I was 12lbs heavier. I'm hoping losing weight brings us closer. I'm kind of a *kitten* when I'm fat
Can you go one post without attacking this person? I understand you are passionate about the topic but why label them without knowing them? It is your right to post and feel how you want, but your inability to remove your judgmental comments, in a discussion you claim is straight forward black and white, speaks volumes.
If you CANNOT trust yourself to be faithful because someone paid you a little attention, you are not doing the person you supposedly love any favors. That's selfish and wrong. If you CAN'T be monogamous (thinking you might want to bang someone but knowing you wouldn't follow through is a different story), stay single or choose a different kind of relationship.ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »
That kind of person should really rethink being in a committed, monogamous relationship then.RekindledRose wrote: »Temptation is a powerful thing.
Everyone who has said that a person shouldn't change who they are simply because they are slimmer is missing the point. When a person is more attractive they will have more opportunities to flirt or cheat. Someone who knows that they are easily tempted may in fact opt to keep on their weight as it is both a psychological and physical 'shield' to help keep temptation away.
I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat in my life and I haven't because I'm committed to my partner. The attention is flattering and nice, but that's as far as it goes.
So those who desire a monogamous relationship but struggle with temptation should deny themselves the relationship?
It is nice you have never felt these struggles, but to condemn someone to a life without something they want because they have to work harder for it than you do is wrong!
It isn't OK to do that to another person. It just isn't.
And quit complaining about how people react to the people you're talking about. Don't put it out there if you don't want people to respond. Of course they're going to judge. You are describing people who are very screwed up.
again volumes! It's sad that because you have no ability to debate/discuss like an adult, without name calling, or character attacks, others have to refrain from answering threads.
Yes, but there have been perfectly fine responses that you have perceived as attacks. You are being highly sensitive on this issue, for whatever reason.
This person freely admits the attacks and somehow feels it is how a conversation or debate is supposed to go. Even when called on the childish behavior she continues and even defends it. It just makes me smh...0 -
I love my husband regardless if I lose weight and regardless if he does. Being a certain weight was not in my marriage vows... loving my spouse through thick and thin was. To me there are no other options.0
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