My Husband!.... NOT ATTRACTED TO ME!
Replies
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lishie_rebooted wrote: »These responses make me sad, no wonder people don't stay married anymore. If you thought you loved this man enough to spend the rest of your life with him, get off the internet and work on your marriage.
See a marriage counselor or talk to a pastor or talk to each other. Talk to an older couple who has been married for a long time. Talk to anyone but a bunch of strangers on the internet lol.
Does he know you are airing your problems on here? Is that much different than him discussing your private life with a close friend?
I pointed this out on the first page
Well at this point I could care less.... At the end of it all I am NOT building an emtional attachment to scores of strangers., which he was doing with ONE FEMALE. There is BIG difference.
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ANYWAY, thanks to all who sincerely offered sound advise.1
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yopeeps025 wrote: »
I love the amount of people giving legal advice in here they are all MFP esquires...LOL0 -
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OP - You "saw" him talking to another female on his phone. How do you know who is was talking to? Did you listen in on the conversation? How do you know it was a female? Did you speak to him about the phone conversation after it happened? Need more details.
Going from 185 to 196 probably won't be too noticeable. It's more than likely not something that he will go from finding you attractive to not finding you attractive.
The fact that you say this about yourself----"Sadly , on one end I cant blame him for not being attracted to me, I am not even attracted to myself. I HATEEE What I see in the mirror." is telling us that there are other major problems! So... since you gained 10 lbs do you go on every day saying how fat you are and how much you hate yourself? No one wants to hear that all the time. Maybe you've said it so much out loud that he's starting to believe it too.
When you said-- "Nice butt, slim waist.... everything im not.... the thing is, I was never like that though. So I guess I was fooled all along."............ 4 years? Do you really think a man would just hang around for 4 years to "fool" you? I'm not a guy so men you can disagree with that. It just seems like a long time for someone just to fool you. And what signs did you "think" you saw?
It's really hard to say or give advice. We don't really know all the details of your relationship. And we don't know what other previous relationships you were in and how they ended and how they affected you. What it does sound like to me is that you really need to work on loving yourself, no matter what weight you are. Sorry I couldn't just go with the majority here that it's all his fault, etc.0 -
mumblemagic wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
You do need to address the hurt he caused you. Telling someone he is not attracted to his spouse is not cool whether he "just got caught up in it" or not.
Re: you being virgins before you got married, did you ask exactly what he was expecting physically, how often, and why he was expecting that? There are certain corners of the internet with videos that portray somewhat unrealistic views of sex so if that's where he got his information from, that may be why he is disappointed.
That said, it might be worthwhile watching said videos together to find out what you each like and dislike. Or reading some steamy novels. There is no reason you should feel obliged to try out his every fantasy but it might be fun for both of you to try some of each other's fantasies. Most people these days do a lot of experimenting before they get married and therefore know what they like and are confident asking their partner for it. Experimentation also helps keep things exciting.
This advice is all with the massive caveat of do this if you trust him and if you want to. If you don't trust him or want to leave him for whatever reason, don't stay in an unhappy marriage.
FIRST THINGS FIRST:
- Do you still want to live the rest of your life with this guy? This is a very important question you need to ask yourself. Think of everything you tried to ignore or tried to change about him. These are traits that will potentially stay in relationship; are they less important than why you married him? If they are, then you both need to make a conscious effort in understanding and accepting each other and working with each other as a team. IF NOT, then you need to immediately annul your marriage, if the statutes of limitations aren't past.
AT THE SAME TIME:
- GIRL!! You need your swagger back! I can promise you that it doesn't matter if you gained weight, a confident person is an attractive person. Insecurity, in as such, is a social deterrent. Now that doesn't mean that his stupid childish antics were valid; he was being a selfish little prick for a husband. But no matter what happens in this relationship, your relationship with yourself is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT! And it takes work to get that back. For your own sake, think about the life you have without your husband for now, and magnify and beautify it. Think about your talents, what you do that makes you happy, all those things that you are amazing at or others have complimented you of. Also think about those things that hurt you, research where those actions came from, grieve (this is a critical step that many people skip), then move on. You have so much to offer, with or without a partner. And when you exude that energy, the right people that compliment your actions come flocking to you. PROMISE!
YOU WERE HURT AND THAT WASN'T FAIR FOR YOU. But from this, you can build a level of resilience for your self that shows that you are stronger than you anticipated.
Good luck, girl.0 -
OP - You "saw" him talking to another female on his phone. How do you know who is was talking to? Did you listen in on the conversation? How do you know it was a female? Did you speak to him about the phone conversation after it happened? Need more details.
Going from 185 to 196 probably won't be too noticeable. It's more than likely not something that he will go from finding you attractive to not finding you attractive.
The fact that you say this about yourself----"Sadly , on one end I cant blame him for not being attracted to me, I am not even attracted to myself. I HATEEE What I see in the mirror." is telling us that there are other major problems! So... since you gained 10 lbs do you go on every day saying how fat you are and how much you hate yourself? No one wants to hear that all the time. Maybe you've said it so much out loud that he's starting to believe it too.
When you said-- "Nice butt, slim waist.... everything im not.... the thing is, I was never like that though. So I guess I was fooled all along."............ 4 years? Do you really think a man would just hang around for 4 years to "fool" you? I'm not a guy so men you can disagree with that. It just seems like a long time for someone just to fool you. And what signs did you "think" you saw?
It's really hard to say or give advice. We don't really know all the details of your relationship. And we don't know what other previous relationships you were in and how they ended and how they affected you. What it does sound like to me is that you really need to work on loving yourself, no matter what weight you are. Sorry I couldn't just go with the majority here that it's all his fault, etc.
We know that NO men should ever say their spouse is unattractive and that someone else is?
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
I am bolding all the parts that support my evidence of a troll thread.
you said you were both virgins but then say that he expected more out of your sex life? If he was a virgin then how could he have higher expectations...??? Unless he is watching porn all the time and that is what he is basing his expectations off...
Actually, that bit made lots of sense to me. I can see a 30 year old virgin to have built up in his head all of the OMG MAGICAL FURNITURE BREAKING SEXYTIME! And then be bitter and resentful when his partner (also a virgin) isn't a living Kama Sutra.
Dudes who have done the deed tend to know what to expect, you know? And, seriously....HE is inexperienced and disappointed? I'd guarantee that if he was really and truly a virgin until 30? Poor OP is REALLY missing out. Because if he's got unrealistic expectations of HER, I'd wager lots of internet dollars on a definite lack of skillz on his part.1 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
I am bolding all the parts that support my evidence of a troll thread.
you said you were both virgins but then say that he expected more out of your sex life? If he was a virgin then how could he have higher expectations...??? Unless he is watching porn all the time and that is what he is basing his expectations off...
Actually, that bit made lots of sense to me. I can see a 30 year old virgin to have built up in his head all of the OMG MAGICAL FURNITURE BREAKING SEXYTIME! And then be bitter and resentful when his partner (also a virgin) isn't a living Kama Sutra.
Dudes who have done the deed tend to know what to expect, you know? And, seriously....HE is inexperienced and disappointed? I'd guarantee that if he was really and truly a virgin until 30? Poor OP is REALLY missing out. Because if he's got unrealistic expectations of HER, I'd wager lots of internet dollars on a definite lack of skillz on his part.
Like any consistant couple it takes time to learn the others likes. Even if they are both virgins then they have time to learn and grow together.
Now does he have expectations of what he has never had before her. I would say 100% he does. How many possibilities?
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »He told her he was not physically attracted to me...I HATEEE What I see in the mirror.
It's surprising how often those two go together.
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »lishie_rebooted wrote: »These responses make me sad, no wonder people don't stay married anymore. If you thought you loved this man enough to spend the rest of your life with him, get off the internet and work on your marriage.
See a marriage counselor or talk to a pastor or talk to each other. Talk to an older couple who has been married for a long time. Talk to anyone but a bunch of strangers on the internet lol.
Does he know you are airing your problems on here? Is that much different than him discussing your private life with a close friend?
I pointed this out on the first page
Well at this point I could care less.... At the end of it all I am NOT building an emtional attachment to scores of strangers., which he was doing with ONE FEMALE. There is BIG difference.
What does it mean? That you are going to keep ignoring his behavior? Don't put your head in the sand. You can be loved by someone else. Someone who truly deserves you.
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »HWhy I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
He may well be right. Talking to the girl isn't a cause, it's a symptom. Agreeing to not-talk to another girl solves nothing.
Seems pretty clear to me that there's a whole 'nother side to this relationship story that we're not getting....either that or this is a troll thread...
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jennifershoo wrote: »It's never ever a good idea to stay virgins until marriage, especially after 4 years and around 30yo.
please tell me why?
there are a lot of people who don't believe in sex before marriage, religious or not.
I am not one of them but they do exist and I applaud them for that.1 -
There's always 3 sides to a story. Her side, his side and the truth...0
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What?! How is speaking to a woman about you and telling her he is attracted to her even alright!!!!!!!0
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Sadly , on one end I cant blame him for not being attracted to me, I am not even attracted to myself. I HATEEE What I see in the mirror. Im not sure what hurts the most, the fact that I think he is justified in not being attracted to me, or that he is not, and is attracted to another woman. This hurts super bad!
It's hard to be attracted to someone that is down on themselves. If you hate what you see in the mirror, then change it.
But your new husband sounds like a real piece of work. If there is a problem in the marriage, the proper thing to do would talk to your spouse. Instead he is on the phone telling another girl he's attracted to her. That seems a huge red flag that something is very, very wrong. And it's not your waistline.0 -
Don't waste your precious life being in an unhappy relationship.0
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lishie_rebooted wrote: »jennifershoo wrote: »It's never ever a good idea to stay virgins until marriage, especially after 4 years and around 30yo.
please tell me why?
there are a lot of people who don't believe in sex before marriage, religious or not.
I am not one of them but they do exist and I applaud them for that.
I'm of the "whatever floats your boat" mentality and do not judge others for their choices so long as they accept any/all consequences to those choices.
So for ME, it is as simple as asking, "Would you buy a car without a test drive first?" "Would you buy a house without a proper inspection?" "Would you have surgery without speaking with the surgeon ahead of time?"
To me, each question is answered with a resounding "HELL NO!"
FWIW, I'll have been married to the same guy 25 years in September. Neither of us were virgins when we met.
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Kick him to the curb!0
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"quit having boring tuna, quit having a boring life." - Vince Offer.0
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There are a lot more problems in this situation than weight gain. He doesn't respect his vow to you, your relationship or how much hurt his behavior causes you. I'm sure you aren't perfect, as none of us are. But 5 months in and he's cheating?0
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Fat2Fit145 wrote: »He told her he was not physically attracted to me...I HATEEE What I see in the mirror.
It's surprising how often those two go together.
This is why I suggested counseling. If not marriage, then personal counseling for both. He's got to get his sexual issues and expectations figured out and she needs to find her self-confidence. If they separate BOTH of these issues will just reappear in the next relationship. Might as well try to get it all figured out now.0 -
Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
I am bolding all the parts that support my evidence of a troll thread.
you said you were both virgins but then say that he expected more out of your sex life? If he was a virgin then how could he have higher expectations...??? Unless he is watching porn all the time and that is what he is basing his expectations off...
Actually, that bit made lots of sense to me. I can see a 30 year old virgin to have built up in his head all of the OMG MAGICAL FURNITURE BREAKING SEXYTIME! And then be bitter and resentful when his partner (also a virgin) isn't a living Kama Sutra.
Dudes who have done the deed tend to know what to expect, you know? And, seriously....HE is inexperienced and disappointed? I'd guarantee that if he was really and truly a virgin until 30? Poor OP is REALLY missing out. Because if he's got unrealistic expectations of HER, I'd wager lots of internet dollars on a definite lack of skillz on his part.
well you have a point there...
I guess in a round a bout way I was saying if he was getting his idea from porn then he probably had high expectations...but it did not come out right < no pun intended....1 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
I am bolding all the parts that support my evidence of a troll thread.
you said you were both virgins but then say that he expected more out of your sex life? If he was a virgin then how could he have higher expectations...??? Unless he is watching porn all the time and that is what he is basing his expectations off...
Actually, that bit made lots of sense to me. I can see a 30 year old virgin to have built up in his head all of the OMG MAGICAL FURNITURE BREAKING SEXYTIME! And then be bitter and resentful when his partner (also a virgin) isn't a living Kama Sutra.
Dudes who have done the deed tend to know what to expect, you know? And, seriously....HE is inexperienced and disappointed? I'd guaranfuckingtee (pun intended) that if he was really and truly a virgin until 30? Poor OP is REALLY missing out. Because if he's got unrealistic expectations of HER, I'd wager lots of internet dollars on a definite lack of skillz on his part.
Like any consistant couple it takes time to learn the others likes. Even if they are both virgins then they have time to learn and grow together.
Now does he have expectations of what he has never had before her. I would say 100% he does. How many possibilities?
Yes, but I'd guess that the learning curve is exponentially steeper when you are dealing with total two total noobs. They're figuring out their own preferences as well as their partner's. And, seriously, given dude's willingness to be "disappointed" and having a borderline emotional affair only 5 months in to their sexual relationship? I'm guessing that he's not really dedicated to learning about HER wants and preferences. And, you know, generally speaking, the ladyjunk tends to be a little less self-explanatory for new operators, you know?0 -
There are a lot more problems in this situation than weight gain. He doesn't respect his vow to you, your relationship or how much hurt his behavior causes you. I'm sure you aren't perfect, as none of us are. But 5 months in and he's cheating?
I don't think he is cheating yet...
sounds like he might be "sexting" with someone because his virgin expectations about sex have not been met....
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yopeeps025 wrote: »Fat2Fit145 wrote: »Hye everyone, thanks for your comments, really did not think it would generate such feedback, but I appreciate ALL...
What he said....
I told him we need to talk, and he said ok. I knew he knew what i saw because i had been quiet for a few days and he was being extra mushy and loving. Anyway I told him what I saw on his phone. I spoke first and said how I felt, that I was REALLLY hurt, and I couldn't believe it. He apologized immediately, and said that he realize it was wrong and inappropriate...
...some of the things he said:-
- He just got caught up
- Its not that he is really attracted to her
- Concerning our sex life, he just expected more out of it
- He did not address the fact that he said he is not attracted to me
- we got into talking about our sex life, he said he just wants me to do more. I had no problem with this, but why not tell me that, not your FEMALE friend.
I approached this convo very calm and hopeful that it would be resolved, while I was hurt, I was still trying to over look it. Why I posted this and why im still hurt is the fact that while discussing he had the audacity to ask why I only focusing on the fact that he said he is attracted to the other girl.... THATS when I FLIPPED. And it just hit me, this man is CLEARLY Oblivious to His role as a Husband, to the purpose of marriage etc.
So now im EXTREMELY concerned for my future, and being in this marriage.
Other notes:-
We were both virgins before we got married
Yes there were other offences before
I was questioning getting married to him
Yes he uses the word 'u' while texting (lol)
I am bolding all the parts that support my evidence of a troll thread.
you said you were both virgins but then say that he expected more out of your sex life? If he was a virgin then how could he have higher expectations...??? Unless he is watching porn all the time and that is what he is basing his expectations off...
Actually, that bit made lots of sense to me. I can see a 30 year old virgin to have built up in his head all of the OMG MAGICAL FURNITURE BREAKING SEXYTIME! And then be bitter and resentful when his partner (also a virgin) isn't a living Kama Sutra.
Dudes who have done the deed tend to know what to expect, you know? And, seriously....HE is inexperienced and disappointed? I'd guaranfuckingtee (pun intended) that if he was really and truly a virgin until 30? Poor OP is REALLY missing out. Because if he's got unrealistic expectations of HER, I'd wager lots of internet dollars on a definite lack of skillz on his part.
Like any consistant couple it takes time to learn the others likes. Even if they are both virgins then they have time to learn and grow together.
Now does he have expectations of what he has never had before her. I would say 100% he does. How many possibilities?
Yes, but I'd guess that the learning curve is exponentially steeper when you are dealing with total two total noobs. They're figuring out their own preferences as well as their partner's. And, seriously, given dude's willingness to be "disappointed" and having a borderline emotional affair only 5 months in to their sexual relationship? I'm guessing that he's not really dedicated to learning about HER wants and preferences. And, you know, generally speaking, the ladyjunk tends to be a little less self-explanatory for new operators, you know?
man, I could take this one in like a thousand different directions, but I am just going to shut up .....LOL0 -
Define cheating.
I think the operators manual says hammer on it until it surrenders.
Right?0 -
If you wouldn't say or do it in front of your spouse, you shouldn't do it behind their backs. Just my opinion....0
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Sounds like he's an @sshole, that sort of thing is never cool or justifiable... if he isn't happy he should have balls to say something to you! This is the lowest form of low, he is the bad one not you.0
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