Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
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I've only read the first two pages, but the biggest thing I don't see here is a suggestion to apologize to your daughter directly, even if it's been 2 years since you brought it up. She can't begin to forgive you until she knows you're sorry. It's the first step. That's the first thing to do. After that, follow these other people's advice and just enjoy each other's company without mention of food issues. Maybe try to do what you can to cheer her up - when you said she said she feels sad and does know how to feel happy... that's a huge red flag... time to find yourself a professional and talk to them about how to approach your daughter in case she's depressed.0
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Unfortunately your daughter has to make the decision on her own to change. She can't do it for someone else or through someone else. Even if she were to listen to your well meaning advice, she wouldn't have long term success without figuring things out on her own. My best guess is she has some deep rooted emotional pain over something and until she resolves that, she will keep going down a destructive path.
I'm 24. My sister is 20. My whole family is overweight. My mom worries over us like crazy. The past year I have done a ton of growing up. In my late teens early 20's I took all my mom's worries a totally different way than I do now. It honestly made our relationship very strained and I was never able to open up to her about things. I still can't. Over 2 years ago I took the final straw that broke my back and woke me up to changing my life. Previously I was overweight, used food and alcohol as a crutch for dealing with emotional issues, I was hanging out with people I didn't like and who probably didn't like me, they surely didn't actually care about me, and I did a LOT of things that I wish I hadn't. I had no self respect, no confidence. I literally hated myself. There is no way anyone would have ever gotten me out of that hole. No matter their good intentions. I had to make that decision for myself.
I now sit back and watch my mom worry over my sister and watch it put strain on their relationship. I wish I could make my sister take the steps forward I did with nutrition and fitness. But I know I can't. I know all I can do is try to piece together our relationship (also suffered over the years) and love her for who she is. Time is so, so short. You never know when someone's last day will be. As much as it hurts, we have to let people make their own decisions.0 -
I went through the same thing your daughter went through. I lost my first love right after high school. I was prom queen 117 pounds 13% body fat and he was one of the most athletic people I knew. I have always been the one to push people to strive for their dreams and goals, but he gave me the push I needed for myself. When I lost him my entire life changed. I turned to food for comfort, and never gave that up.
When people tried to bring up my weight it only pissed me off because that's a very private matter, even though their intentions were sincere I couldn't give in. I've avoided mirrors, and kept the food coming. There is no exact way to deal with this situation because no matter what, no one can change but her0 -
Nottafattie wrote: »I didn't read every post, so I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but I think her eating/weight is really dancing around the real issue. She's hurting. You can't fix it and as a mother myself, I feel pretty dang worthless when I can't fix my babies' pain. So you focus on the byproduct of that pain and the one thing you might feel is in your control. Her weight/eating. That's just treating the symptoms and not the underlying issue.
I don't think you should leave her alone. I think you should be honest and vulnerable about the REAL issue. Tell her that you feel like a failure as a mother because you can't fix her pain. Tell her that you so desperately want her happiness that you have put your focus on something that can be changed because it is to hard to face what can't be changed (the death of her father). Tell her you are sorry for focusing on her weight because it's not showing her how much you truly love her and how amazing you find her. Show her how to be open and vulnerable for the sake of growth. When you let her see the broken side of you, the cracks and imperfections, she will feel safer about sharing that side of herself. Do not try to point out her imperfections in any way, but point out the wonderful things about her that you love. Then live that love every day. Tell her it's a beautiful day for a walk and you would love her company, but smile and say okay if she says no. Do not pressure her.
I agree with the poster who said to put some "goodies" in your pantry too. Show her you are human, that it is okay to be a mess on occasion, and that it doesn't make you unworthy of love if you do not meet societies standard of beauty.
This. So much this.0 -
vinegar_husbands wrote: »
@vinegar_husbands Lol, this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. In case you are unaware, most 20 year olds live at their parents house. That does not make them a child. Maybe you were mentally a child at 20 years old, but that doesn't apply to every 20 year old.0 -
Hoarding things including food is super common in teens. I know this from experience. This should not surprise you or seem abnormal.
The best thing you can do is stay out of her private space. Trust her to begin making her own decisions.
If you have had an unhealthy relationship with food you may be her role model for this behavior. Work on your own issues!
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Hiding food from mommy is childlike behavior, just saying...FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »vinegar_husbands wrote: »
@vinegar_husbands Lol, this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. In case you are unaware, most 20 year olds live at their parents house. That does not make them a child. Maybe you were mentally a child at 20 years old, but that doesn't apply to every 20 year old.-2 -
Hiding food from mommy is childlike behavior, just saying...FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »vinegar_husbands wrote: »
@vinegar_husbands Lol, this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. In case you are unaware, most 20 year olds live at their parents house. That does not make them a child. Maybe you were mentally a child at 20 years old, but that doesn't apply to every 20 year old.
It's the behavior of a YOUNG WOMAN who is clearly suffering from her father's death. OP's daughter is dealing with her *possible* depression by eating. It's very, very common. Her daughter is probably ashamed of her weight and doesn't want her mother to see her eating things like cookies because mom has kind of given off the vibe that cookies are bad. I think the daughter doesn't want mom to judge her or experience guilt for not keeping 'junk food' in the house when she was young.0 -
snowflakesav wrote: »Hoarding things including food is super common in teens. I know this from experience. This should not surprise you or seem abnormal.
The best thing you can do is stay out of her private space. Trust her to begin making her own decisions.
If you have had an unhealthy relationship with food you may be her role model for this behavior. Work on your own issues!
Where exactly did you get the idea that OP has an unhealthy relationship with food?0 -
FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »snowflakesav wrote: »Hoarding things including food is super common in teens. I know this from experience. This should not surprise you or seem abnormal.
The best thing you can do is stay out of her private space. Trust her to begin making her own decisions.
If you have had an unhealthy relationship with food you may be her role model for this behavior. Work on your own issues!
Where exactly did you get the idea that OP has an unhealthy relationship with food?
I don't feel that making healthy choices makes me have issues with food at all, I am making a concious choice to eat healthy because I know it makes me feel good on so many levels.
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FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »snowflakesav wrote: »Hoarding things including food is super common in teens. I know this from experience. This should not surprise you or seem abnormal.
The best thing you can do is stay out of her private space. Trust her to begin making her own decisions.
If you have had an unhealthy relationship with food you may be her role model for this behavior. Work on your own issues!
Where exactly did you get the idea that OP has an unhealthy relationship with food?
I don't feel that making healthy choices makes me have issues with food at all, I am making a concious choice to eat healthy because I know it makes me feel good on so many levels.
It doesn't, at all. That's why I asked that user why they think you have an unhealthy relationship with food. I haven't gotten that vibe from you. So I'm wondering why they did.0 -
Yes, I know:) I used the wrong quote:)0
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Just my own venting, I skipped pages 3 and 4 ...
Im 46 and just this past 4 months got myself on track, lost 60 pounds, feel good ect ect.
My mom was a pioneer of the exercise classes in the early 70s, I grew up with Alba 66, Light Fantastic and way too much fruit all of my life. Id go to friends and see the real food and live it up. I learned to add stuff to those health shakes and would clean house when I went to friends with junk food. That was my rebellion.
I believe my mom had good intention but crossed ideas, every time I would open a shirt two sizes too small for my birthday Id get pissed and go buy some two sizes too big just to spite.
To me it felt good when she accepted a 4X son and didnt buy me little clothes anymore. It took 45 years of my life, I know it was and is still hard for her. I was able to take that control on my own terms and that was the only way it was going to happen.
I hope this reads as I intended to write it, I don't want to sound harsh but I was so happy when the 1st many responses echoed BACK OFF. I really think that is the best advice.0 -
This is actually quite appalling. You've lost your daughters trust, to the point where she is hiding this stuff from you because in her eyes, you are judging her.
My mom did the same thing when I was younger, before I had ever really reached 'obesity' status, and if anything it pushed me further into my eating habits and made my self confidence decline horribly. She just wanted her daughter to be healthy too, and it caused a huge rift between us for quite some time.
My mom eventually left it alone and allowed ME to see how bad it had gotten, and when I asked her for help, she did so and now we work out together and I am on a fast track to better health.
Just leave her alone, and if she feels like she can, she'll come to you. If you keep this up, you'll loose your daughter and possibly make the weight gain worse by stressing her about it.0 -
Back off
Leave her alone
She's an adult and it is none of your business
Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight
This. I was overweight all my life starting from a very early age. The more my mom picked at me, the more I just hid what I was eating. I remember her telling me that I'd "be so beautiful if I just lost weight...." I know she was just trying to help, but it made me feel AWFUL and so to make myself feel better, I ate more.
the more you bug her about it, the more she is going to pull away from you. Tell her how much you love her and how beautiful she is, but back off about her weight and eating.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »
This as well. I had to make up my own mind to change myself. NOTHING my mother said would have made a difference. Unfortunately it took until I was in my 40's to make that decision, but better late than never.0 -
I have been in a similar situation, the more I pushed, the more they pulled away. The right answer is to tell them that you love them and that you will be there for them.
They usually come back later in life asking for guidance. There is nothing you can do at this time though. Sorry.0 -
Guys, the OP is not your mother.
I'm not saying that to be rude. God knows I have issues around which everyone on Earth suddenly seems to be my mother. But my mother has been dead and buried for years, God rest the shriveled little vestigial organ that passed in her for a soul, and our relationship was our relationship; no one else's will ever be exactly like it because other people are not us. Venting my ire at her on random hapless people on the internet won't teach her a lesson or make one day in the life of Childhood Me any easier.
OP, my daughter had a weight problem for a few years, though she wasn't a secret eater. I let her know that that was not a good place for her to be considering our family history of obesity-related health problems, and then I dropped the subject. My daughter is a bright, stubborn girl who does things in her own time and in her own way, and now she's at a normal weight. Yours is 20; this too may pass if you don't make a big deal out of it.
I wonder, though - speaking of projecting, which I am about to, so be forewarned - how much of your reaction to her is carried over from the problems you faced dealing with her father's addictive behavior. If you've dealt with that in the past, the last thing you want to do is see addictive behavior patterns start surfacing in your daughter.0 -
nuttynanners wrote: »You should find her a therapist. Nobody wants to be in therapy, I know, but truthfully we ALL need therapists...and so few of us are able to seek one out for ourselves. It sounds like she has profound issues she needs to work through and needs guidance. Food is not the root of her problem, it's a temporary solution to a painful emotional state.
It'll be tough to get through to her by yourself, but if you have someone who can work with her one on one with an objective view, she may have the tools she needs to turn things around.
It actually sounds a lot like Jillian Michael's story, tbh...divorced parents, secretive eating, self destructive food rituals... and she turned it around, too!
You are right, we could all use therapy.... i did not know all that about Jillian
Yeah, Jillian said that she would eat unhealthy things as a teen because it bonded her with her dad; it was something they did together.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hih9EtletfE 0 -
Larissa_NY wrote: »Guys, the OP is not your mother.
I'm not saying that to be rude. God knows I have issues around which everyone on Earth suddenly seems to be my mother. But my mother has been dead and buried for years, God rest the shriveled little vestigial organ that passed in her for a soul, and our relationship was our relationship; no one else's will ever be exactly like it because other people are not us. Venting my ire at her on random hapless people on the internet won't teach her a lesson or make one day in the life of Childhood Me any easier.
OP, my daughter had a weight problem for a few years, though she wasn't a secret eater. I let her know that that was not a good place for her to be considering our family history of obesity-related health problems, and then I dropped the subject. My daughter is a bright, stubborn girl who does things in her own time and in her own way, and now she's at a normal weight. Yours is 20; this too may pass if you don't make a big deal out of it.
I wonder, though - speaking of projecting, which I am about to, so be forewarned - how much of your reaction to her is carried over from the problems you faced dealing with her father's addictive behavior. If you've dealt with that in the past, the last thing you want to do is see addictive behavior patterns start surfacing in your daughter.
I do worry about a pattern for sure......alcohol had such a strong hold of her dad.....i am afraid
she might have addictive tendencies too0 -
Wow, I was hoping for some insight from someone who maybe had been in a similar situation.
You may be getting "insight" from people who have had their parents do the same thing to them as you are doing to your daughter. I'm included in that. My dad would suggest trainers and exercise, would suggest me losing weight, and compare me to my friends (I was 10 years old, mind you) which did the exact opposite of what he was hoping for. I was an overweight child, and I am an overweight adult-- much like an addict, a person needs to decide on their own whether to change their lifestyle or not. Like everyone is suggesting, back off on the weight topic with her, it could possibly just push her farther away.0 -
To the OP, I can't tell you how gutted I am to learn your ex-husband died of alcoholism. It's a problem in my husband's family too. He has been clean and sober for 22 years, since his daughters were 10 and 13 years old, and he and their mom had already divorced. Then his older daughter began to drink at 14 or 15, and she continued to drink until two years ago when she finally was able to. It was an unbearably rough 15 years for the family, and the details of her experiences are mind numbing.
But now she is doing so well, a complete turnaround -- and still an addict. The other day she said she just has such a terrible time when people tell her she can't have something -- that it makes her want it more. She said, "It's an alky thing", and I said, "No, it's an addiction thing, whether it's food, alcohol, smoking, whatever."
Addictions tend to run in families. My mom was an alcoholic and an intolerable perfectionist. I never had a problem with alcohol. My drug of choice is food. Alcoholism has been handed down through generations of my husband's family. It's a bad reaction to life, its stresses, letdowns, its scary episodes. So is overeating.
So you can go to Al Anon and it might help you. It's free. Your daughter doesn't have to go with you, but you should tell her if you go. I used to go, and it helped a lot.0 -
My own dad was a alcoholic as well. I have been around people with some sort of addiction for most of my life. I know that food addiction can be incredibly destructive as well. I just don't want her to struggle like her dad did.0
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I know one thing that I haven't seen in the posts is as a 20 yr old young adult woman, what are her goals, does she have a plan to eventually moving out, is she in college? I know its really none of my business, but I noticed when I was a teen (eons ago mind you) when I was a senior I didn't really have my act together. I kind of did what others expected me to, worked at a bank my father was at, etc. To venture outside of her bubble might be the stepping stone she needs to do, to define herself. Personally, and this is just what my husband and I have done...is to make all our sons Navy men. Both my 25 yr old and our 20 yr old are active duty (our 16 yr old soon to follow after he graduates) , making money, seeing the world on ships or being stationed here and there, have a good medical plan, and no debt. What more can a mom ask for? To be doing something bigger than yourself is always a good thing. Now I am not promoting the military, I am just using it as an example of having a child "go down the path" and as a mom being proud and content with that.0
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I think that there's a lot of people who would be polite and not tell a person they have a problem. And that is okay.
I think that it is great that you care, that you offer help. Because you know what, backing off and letting someone destroy themselves is not love. Imagine she was a closeted drinker. There's only so much you can do for a grown-up, but it should be profoundly clear to her, that you aren't going to buy her cookies, but you are happy to go to the gym with her, or help her in any way.
My mom did scold me at some point when I was 15 and she walked in on me devouring a full frying pan of home fries. I am forever grateful for that moment in my life when mom did tell me I'm growing fat and what does that mean for my future.
Yeah, your daughter is a grown up and maybe you can't scold her. But don't pretend to be ok with her overeating. Be kind, talk to her. When and if she decides to make a change she'll know you're already on her side and have always been0 -
I wish I had some good advice for you. I do find it interesting this idea that we should let people kill themselves with food but if it was drugs, cutting or other risky behavior it would be different.
Maybe you should go see a doctor that specializes in this and see what you can or can't do to help0 -
I can't help but think there is something else going on that is not related to the divorce or the dad dying....and yes the stuffing food down is a symptom of something much, much deeper. She's a grown woman. Go to counseling without her. And if she finds YOU getting "better" then perhaps she'll go with you one or two times. This counseling shall help why YOU need to feel in control of your grown daughter.0
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Where in the world are you reading that she wants to control her dtr?allaboutthecake wrote: »I can't help but think there is something else going on that is not related to the divorce or the dad dying....and yes the stuffing food down is a symptom of something much, much deeper. She's a grown woman. Go to counseling without her. And if she finds YOU getting "better" then perhaps she'll go with you one or two times. This counseling shall help why YOU need to feel in control of your grown daughter.
There sure is a lot of projecting going on in this thread...
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DangerJim71 wrote: »I wish I had some good advice for you. I do find it interesting this idea that we should let people kill themselves with food but if it was drugs, cutting or other risky behavior it would be different.
Maybe you should go see a doctor that specializes in this and see what you can or can't do to help
Exactly what I was going to say. You're in a tough spot, OP... your daughter may resent you now, but if you just stay quiet and let her continue to ruin her health and pack on the weight, she's not going to love you for "staying out of it," either. One day she will look at herself in the mirror and really see the devastating results of that secret eating and will wonder why you didn't do anything to stop it. Some might say it's not your problem, that your daughter is an adult, but don't we rely on those closest to us to step in when they see us engaging in self-destructive behavior, regardless of our age?
I've been in your daughter's shoes. I think the key is to let her know you are there to help without having 'food talk' dominate your lives. And love her to pieces.0
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