Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
Options
Replies
-
Wow, I was hoping for some insight from someone who maybe had been in a similar situation.
You may be getting "insight" from people who have had their parents do the same thing to them as you are doing to your daughter. I'm included in that. My dad would suggest trainers and exercise, would suggest me losing weight, and compare me to my friends (I was 10 years old, mind you) which did the exact opposite of what he was hoping for. I was an overweight child, and I am an overweight adult-- much like an addict, a person needs to decide on their own whether to change their lifestyle or not. Like everyone is suggesting, back off on the weight topic with her, it could possibly just push her farther away.0 -
To the OP, I can't tell you how gutted I am to learn your ex-husband died of alcoholism. It's a problem in my husband's family too. He has been clean and sober for 22 years, since his daughters were 10 and 13 years old, and he and their mom had already divorced. Then his older daughter began to drink at 14 or 15, and she continued to drink until two years ago when she finally was able to. It was an unbearably rough 15 years for the family, and the details of her experiences are mind numbing.
But now she is doing so well, a complete turnaround -- and still an addict. The other day she said she just has such a terrible time when people tell her she can't have something -- that it makes her want it more. She said, "It's an alky thing", and I said, "No, it's an addiction thing, whether it's food, alcohol, smoking, whatever."
Addictions tend to run in families. My mom was an alcoholic and an intolerable perfectionist. I never had a problem with alcohol. My drug of choice is food. Alcoholism has been handed down through generations of my husband's family. It's a bad reaction to life, its stresses, letdowns, its scary episodes. So is overeating.
So you can go to Al Anon and it might help you. It's free. Your daughter doesn't have to go with you, but you should tell her if you go. I used to go, and it helped a lot.0 -
My own dad was a alcoholic as well. I have been around people with some sort of addiction for most of my life. I know that food addiction can be incredibly destructive as well. I just don't want her to struggle like her dad did.0
-
-
I know one thing that I haven't seen in the posts is as a 20 yr old young adult woman, what are her goals, does she have a plan to eventually moving out, is she in college? I know its really none of my business, but I noticed when I was a teen (eons ago mind you) when I was a senior I didn't really have my act together. I kind of did what others expected me to, worked at a bank my father was at, etc. To venture outside of her bubble might be the stepping stone she needs to do, to define herself. Personally, and this is just what my husband and I have done...is to make all our sons Navy men. Both my 25 yr old and our 20 yr old are active duty (our 16 yr old soon to follow after he graduates) , making money, seeing the world on ships or being stationed here and there, have a good medical plan, and no debt. What more can a mom ask for? To be doing something bigger than yourself is always a good thing. Now I am not promoting the military, I am just using it as an example of having a child "go down the path" and as a mom being proud and content with that.0
-
I think that there's a lot of people who would be polite and not tell a person they have a problem. And that is okay.
I think that it is great that you care, that you offer help. Because you know what, backing off and letting someone destroy themselves is not love. Imagine she was a closeted drinker. There's only so much you can do for a grown-up, but it should be profoundly clear to her, that you aren't going to buy her cookies, but you are happy to go to the gym with her, or help her in any way.
My mom did scold me at some point when I was 15 and she walked in on me devouring a full frying pan of home fries. I am forever grateful for that moment in my life when mom did tell me I'm growing fat and what does that mean for my future.
Yeah, your daughter is a grown up and maybe you can't scold her. But don't pretend to be ok with her overeating. Be kind, talk to her. When and if she decides to make a change she'll know you're already on her side and have always been0 -
I wish I had some good advice for you. I do find it interesting this idea that we should let people kill themselves with food but if it was drugs, cutting or other risky behavior it would be different.
Maybe you should go see a doctor that specializes in this and see what you can or can't do to help0 -
I can't help but think there is something else going on that is not related to the divorce or the dad dying....and yes the stuffing food down is a symptom of something much, much deeper. She's a grown woman. Go to counseling without her. And if she finds YOU getting "better" then perhaps she'll go with you one or two times. This counseling shall help why YOU need to feel in control of your grown daughter.0
-
Where in the world are you reading that she wants to control her dtr?allaboutthecake wrote: »I can't help but think there is something else going on that is not related to the divorce or the dad dying....and yes the stuffing food down is a symptom of something much, much deeper. She's a grown woman. Go to counseling without her. And if she finds YOU getting "better" then perhaps she'll go with you one or two times. This counseling shall help why YOU need to feel in control of your grown daughter.
There sure is a lot of projecting going on in this thread...
0 -
DangerJim71 wrote: »I wish I had some good advice for you. I do find it interesting this idea that we should let people kill themselves with food but if it was drugs, cutting or other risky behavior it would be different.
Maybe you should go see a doctor that specializes in this and see what you can or can't do to help
Exactly what I was going to say. You're in a tough spot, OP... your daughter may resent you now, but if you just stay quiet and let her continue to ruin her health and pack on the weight, she's not going to love you for "staying out of it," either. One day she will look at herself in the mirror and really see the devastating results of that secret eating and will wonder why you didn't do anything to stop it. Some might say it's not your problem, that your daughter is an adult, but don't we rely on those closest to us to step in when they see us engaging in self-destructive behavior, regardless of our age?
I've been in your daughter's shoes. I think the key is to let her know you are there to help without having 'food talk' dominate your lives. And love her to pieces.0 -
Some folks are brutal. I think it's pretty amazing you are concerned about your daughters health. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Instead of saying anything maybe suggest some new activities you can do together. Join a gym, signup for some dance classes. AND MFP! have you shared how supportive MFP can be. Maybe set some new fitness goals for yourself and get excited about it. Maybe it will rub off on her. Get her new BF involved.0
-
I know one thing that I haven't seen in the posts is as a 20 yr old young adult woman, what are her goals, does she have a plan to eventually moving out, is she in college? I know its really none of my business, but I noticed when I was a teen (eons ago mind you) when I was a senior I didn't really have my act together. I kind of did what others expected me to, worked at a bank my father was at, etc. To venture outside of her bubble might be the stepping stone she needs to do, to define herself. Personally, and this is just what my husband and I have done...is to make all our sons Navy men. Both my 25 yr old and our 20 yr old are active duty (our 16 yr old soon to follow after he graduates) , making money, seeing the world on ships or being stationed here and there, have a good medical plan, and no debt. What more can a mom ask for? To be doing something bigger than yourself is always a good thing. Now I am not promoting the military, I am just using it as an example of having a child "go down the path" and as a mom being proud and content with that.
I don't mean to be rude but *making* all your sons navy men is hardly allowing them to make their own choices. You chose their careers for them , a career in which nearly every minute of their day is controlled by someone else. How does someone become their own person when the only time their parents let go of the lead is to give it to their commanding officers?0 -
I think it is wonderful that you care. I suggest taking her to a doctor who can explain to her what she is doing to her body, and pay for her to speak to a mental health professional. Good luck!0
-
mumblemagic wrote: »I know one thing that I haven't seen in the posts is as a 20 yr old young adult woman, what are her goals, does she have a plan to eventually moving out, is she in college? I know its really none of my business, but I noticed when I was a teen (eons ago mind you) when I was a senior I didn't really have my act together. I kind of did what others expected me to, worked at a bank my father was at, etc. To venture outside of her bubble might be the stepping stone she needs to do, to define herself. Personally, and this is just what my husband and I have done...is to make all our sons Navy men. Both my 25 yr old and our 20 yr old are active duty (our 16 yr old soon to follow after he graduates) , making money, seeing the world on ships or being stationed here and there, have a good medical plan, and no debt. What more can a mom ask for? To be doing something bigger than yourself is always a good thing. Now I am not promoting the military, I am just using it as an example of having a child "go down the path" and as a mom being proud and content with that.
I don't mean to be rude but *making* all your sons navy men is hardly allowing them to make their own choices. You chose their careers for them , a career in which nearly every minute of their day is controlled by someone else. How does someone become their own person when the only time their parents let go of the lead is to give it to their commanding officers?
Have you served in the military? I did and your assumptions about the Navy are wrong. Yes there is a chain of command but you are not controlled by someone every minute of the day. Maybe in boot camp lol.
I will never forget my time in the Navy. I was able to travel the world and do some pretty incredible things. It doesn't sound like her sons were forced into anything. They are patriots and want to serve their country. We need more families like that in the world0 -
I have to add, OP, if you're even still reading this thread.
She's hiding the cookies because you apparently never had it in your house. You didn't teach her moderation. Its something she couldn't have in your house. You point fingers at your ex and allowing her to eat "junk" and you acting the better household because she ate fruit and yogurt. She doesn't want you to know because she doesn't want to hear the lecture from you about it. Instead of having a cookie or two in her daily diet, she hides food and may eat half a box at a time.
In my house growing up, I shouldnt have been overweight. We rarely had chips, cookies, ice cream, etc. Red meat was a treat because my mom doesn't eat it so everything was made with ground turkey or chicken. When I started to drive it opened up being able to have McDonald's or eat a candy bar. Since I had McDonalds a handful of times growing up, all of a sudden I could have it whenever I wanted. WHich led to too many times.0 -
tekkiechikk wrote: »DangerJim71 wrote: »I wish I had some good advice for you. I do find it interesting this idea that we should let people kill themselves with food but if it was drugs, cutting or other risky behavior it would be different.
Maybe you should go see a doctor that specializes in this and see what you can or can't do to help
Exactly what I was going to say. You're in a tough spot, OP... your daughter may resent you now, but if you just stay quiet and let her continue to ruin her health and pack on the weight, she's not going to love you for "staying out of it," either. One day she will look at herself in the mirror and really see the devastating results of that secret eating and will wonder why you didn't do anything to stop it. Some might say it's not your problem, that your daughter is an adult, but don't we rely on those closest to us to step in when they see us engaging in self-destructive behavior, regardless of our age?
I've been in your daughter's shoes. I think the key is to let her know you are there to help without having 'food talk' dominate your lives. And love her to pieces.
I agree, if gaining weight didn't affect her health, how she looks is totally up to her and I love her regardless. I just want her to be healthy. I feel to some degree by not trying to help her, I am silently enabling her to continue.
0 -
Farmerj2000 wrote: »Some folks are brutal. I think it's pretty amazing you are concerned about your daughters health. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Instead of saying anything maybe suggest some new activities you can do together. Join a gym, signup for some dance classes. AND MFP! have you shared how supportive MFP can be. Maybe set some new fitness goals for yourself and get excited about it. Maybe it will rub off on her. Get her new BF involved.
I got her a gym membership, she was going initially an I was so excited and kept telling her I was so proud of her and how much fun it was to do it together. It only lasted for a short while then the excuses started, headaches, leg pain etc...... She never got back into it and she told me yesterday she wants me to cancel it. I hope she gets back on track....
0 -
I have to add, OP, if you're even still reading this thread.
She's hiding the cookies because you apparently never had it in your house. You didn't teach her moderation. Its something she couldn't have in your house. You point fingers at your ex and allowing her to eat "junk" and you acting the better household because she ate fruit and yogurt. She doesn't want you to know because she doesn't want to hear the lecture from you about it. Instead of having a cookie or two in her daily diet, she hides food and may eat half a box at a time.
In my house growing up, I shouldnt have been overweight. We rarely had chips, cookies, ice cream, etc. Red meat was a treat because my mom doesn't eat it so everything was made with ground turkey or chicken. When I started to drive it opened up being able to have McDonald's or eat a candy bar. Since I had McDonalds a handful of times growing up, all of a sudden I could have it whenever I wanted. WHich led to too many times.
My household was clearly a much healthier household, and I will never agree and say it's OK to keep a poor diet....everyone is obviously entitled to their own opinion. She had plenty of opportunities to eat junk at her dads house. We had 50/50 custody so it was equal opportunity when it comes to junk food and healthy food. I did not grow up with junkfood, i did not feel deprived, i didn't start eating it when i moved away from home just beacause I could. I believe that if you grow up eating junk, that is what you will want and crave.
0 -
I think that there's a lot of people who would be polite and not tell a person they have a problem. And that is okay.
I think that it is great that you care, that you offer help. Because you know what, backing off and letting someone destroy themselves is not love. Imagine she was a closeted drinker. There's only so much you can do for a grown-up, but it should be profoundly clear to her, that you aren't going to buy her cookies, but you are happy to go to the gym with her, or help her in any way.
My mom did scold me at some point when I was 15 and she walked in on me devouring a full frying pan of home fries. I am forever grateful for that moment in my life when mom did tell me I'm growing fat and what does that mean for my future.
Yeah, your daughter is a grown up and maybe you can't scold her. But don't pretend to be ok with her overeating. Be kind, talk to her. When and if she decides to make a change she'll know you're already on her side and have always been
Thank you:) that is exactly how I feel
0 -
Where in the world are you reading that she wants to control her dtr?allaboutthecake wrote: »I can't help but think there is something else going on that is not related to the dthank you:) I just want her to be healthy
ivorce or the dad dying....and yes the stuffing food down is a symptom of something much, much deeper. She's a grown woman. Go to counseling without her. And if she finds YOU getting "better" then perhaps she'll go with you one or two times. This counseling shall help why YOU need to feel in control of your grown daughter.
There sure is a lot of projecting going on in this thread...
0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.7K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 395 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 959 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions