My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

Formyownsake · April 2015

Hello,

It's been about a month since I've been on MFP. Many of my friends de-friended me for lack of logging in. Others kept me on. And for those, I thank you.

I need to get some stuff out and I hope to find continued support on MFP while I try (again) to lose much weight. Some of my MFP friends know bits of what I've been through, but now I am so desperate for help and support, I need to divulge it all.

I am a new lawyer and the past few months have been the most depressing, anxiety-ridden months of my life. I have suffered with anxiety and depression before, but not like this. It's a culmination of many things, mostly my stressful job, my complete lack of confidence, the fact that I started drinking heavily every day, and my relationship with my husband.

I do not like my boss because she makes me feel like I am a failure. Which I am. I started drinking heavily, even during the day, and not doing my work as fast as I should have. She has been absent from the office for a couple of months as she tried to get into politics, but recently lost. She returns on Tuesday. I am so frightened I will be fired.

My husband has also never been the nicest guy. He is abusive verbally and physically. I have been with him 13 years. He puts me down a lot when I am not perfect for him (mostly my weight and my looks and when I don't agree with everything he says).

I started drinking almost every day about a year ago, more so in the past few months. I have become a depressed anxiety-ridden OCD alcoholic. I would drink about two "mickeys" of vodka a day, just to get rid of the pain and to get myself motivated to work. But, because alcohol is a depressant, I would end my nights crying and screaming in my car because I hate my life.

During this time I also gained about 35 pounds because of stress eating and drinking.

I have called the local distress center and the suicide prevention line at least a dozen times in the past three months.

I got in a car accident and lost my car two weeks ago (no, I was not drinking and driving).

I finally called an emergency line for lawyers and they set me up with a psychologist. Although I tried to implement the strategies she tried to teach me, I continued to drink my sorrows away, and not take my anti-depressants that my doctor prescribed me.

A couple weeks ago another lawyer in my office who is 6 years sober took me out for lunch and told me she knows I am drinking and said she would accompany me to AA. I felt horrible that I was obvious about this downfall, but agreed to go only because I would die otherwise... either by alcohol poisoning or suicide.

I have now been to three meetings, next one tomorrow, and have been sober for a week and one day.

My husband has continuously ridiculed me for my weight (I am 5'11'' 3/4 - almost 6'0" and I am now 188.8 lbs, but have yo-yo'd between 150 and 190). He has done so for years.

But today he saw my gut hanging out when I was folding laundry. He started to yell, calling me a fat f'ing pig (and many other names I don't wish to repeat), and forced me to go on the scale. He saw that I was 188.8 and he lost it. He screamed so loud he was spitting on me. He said he is trying not to hit me because my psychologist told him not to, so he yelled "IF I CAN'T HIT YOU THEN I'M GOING TO HIT MYSELF" and he started hitting himself in the head, all red in the face, and grabbed his own gut (he is very skinny right now) telling me to grab mine. He told me I needed to be so upset about my weight I should go to the kitchen and use a knife to cut off my fat.

Then he kicked me out. I am now at my parents house, broken.

He told me not to come back until I have lost 40 lbs. He said if I can't lose 5 lbs a week, then I am not trying hard enough.

I just thought I would share in case there are others out there whose spouses beat them up like this. I know some people may say "leave him!". But it's just not that easy. It really isn't.

My life has fallen apart. I am back on MFP and hopefully I will lose the weight I need to lose.

Thank you.

jenncornelsen · April 2015

wow. im sorry bout weight loss is not your biggest issue right now. have u spoken with your parents? do they know what your situation is? if not tell them! no one here is qualified to deal with what u are going through. u need serious help. continue with AA. being out of your abusive relationship is definitely a good thing. u honestly need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist on a regular basis. i am not saying this to put u down. we all need help sometimes. im sorry u are going through this . lean on family and close friends. but get help now

DaFibble · April 2015

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I just thought I would share in case there are others out there whose spouses beat them up like this. I know some people may say "leave him!". But it's just not that easy. It really isn't.

Leaving him might be extremely hard, for all sorts of reasons. Sorry to say this, but I suspect you might not have hit rock bottom yet, if you still can't break free and get away from him. Things can get worse. Really! If you want a way out of the hell you're in you may have to take an incredibly scary leap of faith into the unknown and your fears, almost certainly including the step of putting that relationship behind you by your own doing.

Formyownsake · April 2015

Thanks to both of you.

I know the people on here are not qualified to help me, I just really needed to get it out and let my MFP friends know what I am going through. I am seeing my psychologist on a regular basis and will continue with AA.

My husband has been verbally physically (mostly verbally) abusive for years. When I am not depressed, I stand up for myself and he stops.

But what he did tonight, kick me out for being 35 lbs overweight (or, over my goal anyway... I'm not actually that overweight), really hurt. I know it's easy for people to say "leave him", but it's just... complicated.

My whole life has been invested in this marriage. Heck, I never wanted to be a lawyer but I became one because he made me. He wants to stay home most of the year (he is a truck driver and only works seasonal) and planned it so I would make a good living to support him. Now I hate my life and my job.

I know I sound ridiculous. I do have a logical voice in me that knows he's a je*k.

But I am too scared to leave him permanently. I hope someone on here understands.

I hate this.

jules6669mfp · April 2015

I know this site isn't for this but..., you need to stay at your parents and get out of this relationship. Do your parents know how bad it is? If not, please tell them. You need support. If they are not supportive call domestic violence hotline and they will guide you. Please it's not about speaking up for yourself and definately not about your weight at this point. Believe me, I've been there with my first marriage and I do know how hard it is. He will NEVER change. I know "it's complicated". But getting free of this is your priority, not weight loss. Ifbyou need or want to talk email me jules6669@yahoo.com.

Formyownsake · April 2015

Thanks Julie. Yes, my parents know about how he beats me down about my weight. I am staying with them for now. They hate him now. Which I never wanted. I want everyone to love each other. I don't like conflict (yes, I know some may think... then why did you become a lawyer?). Well it's because he manipulated me into going to law school and becoming one.

I am too scared to get a divorce. That means half of my life is gone, just like that. It's so hard to explain, but I am more scared of getting a divorce than of death itself.

I know I am messed up right now and I sound just like it. He makes me believe the things he says though... that he says mean things to me because I deserve it. He says he wouldn't get mad if I cared more about him and about my weight. He swears he has never hit or verbally abused another woman before me... that I brought it on.

Jules I am going to add you as a friend, if you don't mind, and PM you through MFP.

htg20 · April 2015

I hope through your recovery you find it in yourself to never go back to an abuser. Realize that your inability to see that you need to leave is due to the mentality abused people get.

Sounds like you are moving in the right direction with AA and psych. You can fix your life, you can clean up any mess. One thing I heard an ex-gang member say was someone told him "You are better than your worst act" (basically, not verbatim). Meaning, no matter how bad you think you've screwed up or how far you've gone down the wrong road, you are better than that and have it in you to turn things around and come out better than ever!

So glad you got help before you died because you have been very close. I'd say your weight is pretty low on the priority list and will likely improve once you remove some of the stress and alcohol consumption.

psychRN83 · April 2015

Be kind to yourself. You got through school to be a lawyer and even if you do not like it that is ok, it means you can do anything you set your mind to. Law school is no easy task. Please continue to go to the psychologist or find a therapist you feel comfortable with. Go every week or several times a week if you are able, it is helpful to talk to a neutral party about your feelings and problems. I can tell you from working 8 years in an acute psychiatric setting I have heard everything and anything, you will not surprise them and they will not judge you.

The ideas you have formed in your head about your relationship have taken years to build. Your husband sounds like he has many control and anger issues and it is best for you physically and emotionally to be out of his grasp currently. It is not your fault that he feels and behaves this way and nothing you do or try to do for him will ever change his behavior unless he wants to change. The more he feels he loses control over your life, the more dangerous he will become as he attempts to gain back that control. You entire life is not invested in this marriage, you have many many more years to live and you have control over how you will live them and who you live them with. You have control right now, right this very second and every second after this until you take your last breath on earth. He didn't earn that degree you did. He isn't the breadwinner in the house, you are. Claiming ownership of accomplishments is hard for people with low self esteem.

Try staying with your parents for awhile, just test it out. Being apart from someone who has controlled your life for years will hurt emotionally at first but you will feel liberated soon, I promise you. You have one life to live and only you get to choose what to do with that life. It is ok to be afraid, change is scary for all of us. Keep calling those hotlines if you need them, that is what they are designed for and people want to help.

Read this book if you are able. It is a self-help book I always recommend and have used it myself. Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy. It is available on amazon in ebook form and paperback and teaches some cogntiive behavioral therapy techniques you can use to change your preception of events happening in your life. Sometimes our thoughts and feelings get distorted by our negative inner voice. We end up thinking in ways that are not productive for our emotional well-being and do not even realize it. I have a feeling that your negative inner voice is very loud currently. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C

Formyownsake · April 2015

I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.

soozquu · April 2015

ManagingIntake wrote: »

One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me.

I was that friend once ... that person who didn't know that a good friend was being abused by her husband. From the outside looking in, her life was perfect. Beautiful child, adoring husband, great job, perfect house.

When she told me the truth about her life, I was GRATEFUL. Grateful that she trusted me enough to share her terrible secret. I wasn't upset/disappointed/judgemental with her at all. My initial thoughts were that she was an unbelievable strong woman to have lived that nightmare and an even stronger woman for trying to break free.

Please, please, please .... don't be afraid to tell the ones you love. You have no reason to be ashamed.

PacificLotus · April 2015

newmeadow wrote: »

Managing,

Your core problem is alcohol. Anxiety, depression, marital and work problems all stem from it. Until you stop drinking completely for one year, an accurate psych assessment cannot be made. After one year of complete abstinence from alcohol, only then can a true diagnosis of depression or anxiety be made. If you kick the swill for a year, you may very well find you are not depressed or anxious and never were.

There is only one person I know of who explains addiction to alcohol for what it actually is and shows people how to beat it permanently. His name is Jack Trimpey and this is his website www.rational.org.

I respectfully disagree with this. Those of us who know your story only via internet can in no way, shape, or form tell you what the core issues are or how to go about resolving them. Please continue to see your psychologist and above all else keep yourself safe. If you are not able to keep yourself safe, please confide in someone close who can help you be safe - from your husband & from the alcohol. I think you mat be surprised at the amount of support you get if/when you decide to tell your story to your family & friends. Great job with going to AA and the psychologist - wonderful steps in a healthy direction!

Fivepts · April 2015

It would be helpful if your counselor knows how to work with those who are in a relationship with someone who is a character disturbed/ has a manipulative personality/antisocial behavior (since you are) AND who knows that your husband knows exactly what he is doing. If you or your counselor make excuses for him or justify his behavior, you won't see any healthy change. Chose your counselors carefully. Right now you possibly have huge boundaries with the people you should trust (your parents and friends?) and no boundaries with people you shouldn't trust (your husband). Let your husband take responsibility for his own actions rather than covering for him. If he faces the natural consequences of his behavior maybe you won't need to drink.

Formyownsake · April 2015

PacificLotus wrote: »

newmeadow wrote: »

Managing,

Your core problem is alcohol. Anxiety, depression, marital and work problems all stem from it. Until you stop drinking completely for one year, an accurate psych assessment cannot be made. After one year of complete abstinence from alcohol, only then can a true diagnosis of depression or anxiety be made. If you kick the swill for a year, you may very well find you are not depressed or anxious and never were.

There is only one person I know of who explains addiction to alcohol for what it actually is and shows people how to beat it permanently. His name is Jack Trimpey and this is his website www.rational.org.

I respectfully disagree with this. Those of us who know your story only via internet can in no way, shape, or form tell you what the core issues are or how to go about resolving them. Please continue to see your psychologist and above all else keep yourself safe. If you are not able to keep yourself safe, please confide in someone close who can help you be safe - from your husband & from the alcohol. I think you mat be surprised at the amount of support you get if/when you decide to tell your story to your family & friends. Great job with going to AA and the psychologist - wonderful steps in a healthy direction!

Thank you Pacific,

Although the drinking made my anxiety and depression worse, I was severly depressed and anxiety-ridden for years before and I eventually chose alcohol to cover it.

I was on anti-depressants from 2005 to 2012 and my husband made me go off of them because he said they made me "numb", which they did (Paxil, had some side effects). My depression and anxiety came back full force after the summer of 2012 and it wasn't until March 2013 when I started drinking. Before then, I would only drink one or two glasses of wine at special occasions (such as Christmas, thanksgiving, my birthday, etc.).

I am back on a new anti-depressant and I am waiting for it to kick in.

I have not had any liquor since March 28, 2014 and I plan to stay away from it forever. I would be drinking myself silly tonight if I wasn't so serious about abstaining completely.

Instead of getting drunk I decided to come back to MFP and seek support. I appreciate all of your comments.

sanddollar · April 2015

So sorry about your situation! Ditto what others said about staying with your parents. And please continue with AA, it will help you with everything, not just drinking. I have been using the AA big book with compulsive overeating and it has changed my life and many others, too!
I will pray for you now, Lisa G- recovered compulsive eater and available sponsor

eba2003 · April 2015

I so understand what you are saying about not wanting to throw half of your life away with all that you've achieved, with getting married and getting qualified and becoming a lawyer (huge congratulations on that by the way) and also not wanting to let your extended family down because they like him and because of the gifts they gave you. I also know it's easy for us to say "you should do this" , " you should do that". But I do think you should think about the rest of your future life and not look at the past. There is no excuse for him to treat you like this for being over your goal weight. There is also no reason for him to make you do a job that has driven you to drink just so that he can work seasonal. You have your parents support, which is a lot. And people get divorced for much less than what you are going through. It is your life and no one else's, you don't need to justify a divorce to anyone else if you don't want to (but I'm sure if your extended family knew what you were going through they would support you just like your parents do). You are obviously a really smart girl (getting qualified as a lawyer, while not even really wanting to), and you have your parents backing which is huge too, and now comes the hard part, to turn your life around and to get the future you deserve with a partner you deserve and who deserves you. Only you can do it.

Formyownsake · April 2015

Thanks eba2003... This is a hard time for me right now and I appreciate your comment. Thanks also to everyone else. I am so thankful for your support.

DearestWinter · April 2015

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.

I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through. Please don't feel ashamed. This isn't your fault and the past isn't your fault. None of it would be your fault if you left today and it wouldn't be your fault if you don't leave for another decade. Being in an abusive relationship is never your fault. There are a lot of factors at play that I can't even begin to imagine. You need to make the decisions that are right for you and are safe for you when you're ready to make them.

Keep reaching out for support; a lot of people care about you and even people who haven't met you care and will want to provide support. Keep doing what you can to move forward; go to AA and perhaps begin to have some conversations with trusted friends about what's really going on. I wish you the very best and please keep us updated on how you're doing.

glutenfreechic · April 2015

Thank you Pacific,

Although the drinking made my anxiety and depression worse, I was severly depressed and anxiety-ridden for years before and I eventually chose alcohol to cover it.

I was on anti-depressants from 2005 to 2012 and my husband made me go off of them because he said they made me "numb", which they did (Paxil, had some side effects). My depression and anxiety came back full force after the summer of 2012 and it wasn't until March 2013 when I started drinking. Before then, I would only drink one or two glasses of wine at special occasions (such as Christmas, thanksgiving, my birthday, etc.).

I am back on a new anti-depressant and I am waiting for it to kick in.

I have not had any liquor since March 28, 2014 and I plan to stay away from it forever. I would be drinking myself silly tonight if I wasn't so serious about abstaining completely.

Instead of getting drunk I decided to come back to MFP and seek support. I appreciate all of your comments.
[/quote]

Wow. Look what amazing progress you have made over the years despite the adversity you have been faced with. You've pushed through severe depression and anxiety to gain qualifications as a lawyer (even more impressive that it was at someone else's request), you've battled alcoholism and you're currently sober and holding onto that, you're choosing to seek support rather than give in to that vice/addiction, i truly think you are so amazing and i admire your strength so much. These are HUGE achievements! Gained with minimal support by the sounds of things. All these things tell me that you are a strong person, you are determined and you can fight for things when you need to.

Put yourself first. Keep seeing your psychologist, keep going to AA, keep building your support networks. You are worth it, you have so much going for you and i am inspired by your story of perseverance and determination. I feel that if you keep working on reaching towards your own personal safety and wellness you will later have many valuable gifts to share with others on the same path, should you choose to.

Fight for you! You have nothing to feel ashamed of in leaving an abusive relationship. I say this having left an awful abusive relationship myself years ago, i have some understanding of what you might be going through. The shame will fade, it is ultimately is not yours to carry.

With strength like yours just imagine the wonderful things you might achieve in the future as you gathered momentum. Do you dare to dream?

In the aftermath of the ending of my own abusive relationship i constantly reminded myself that 'No matter how hard it rains, the sun always shines again'. I have found it to be true. Best of luck and warm wishes from me.

paulaviki · April 2015

Please don't think about your past when it comes to your husband. Think about your future and how you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you for who you are regardless of what you weigh. You might have spent half your life with someone awful but don't give him your whole life!

Best of luck with everything.

sengalissa · April 2015

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks Julie. Yes, my parents know about how he beats me down about my weight. I am staying with them for now. They hate him now. Which I never wanted. I want everyone to love each other. I don't like conflict (yes, I know some may think... then why did you become a lawyer?). Well it's because he manipulated me into going to law school and becoming one.

I am too scared to get a divorce. That means half of my life is gone, just like that. It's so hard to explain, but I am more scared of getting a divorce than of death itself.

I know I am messed up right now and I sound just like it. He makes me believe the things he says though... that he says mean things to me because I deserve it. He says he wouldn't get mad if I cared more about him and about my weight. He swears he has never hit or verbally abused another woman before me... that I brought it on.

Jules I am going to add you as a friend, if you don't mind, and PM you through MFP.

This is perfect! think of it this way: you have an education and will find and maybe even enjoy a job once you feel better. He will be struggeling for income after your divorce.
Picture yourself winning this. You successful and beautiful. Him alone and broken. Stay away and lose th weight. Get your life in order with all the help available. Then see him again and dump him. Go ahead and win this.

There is NO way around getting a divorce. What you need most is an abuse hotline for that's your biggest issue. Everything else will follow.

csteuter · April 2015

I am so sorry. Been there, done that, but not as severe of a situation as you are going through. Please don't run back to the familiar and trust what everyone is telling you -- the best of your life is yet to come. One other thing to possibly explore when you are ready is that there are all kinds of jobs for people with law degrees. If you don't like your job, there may be other options out there. When you have been manipulated and beat down, you can't see past the moment. However, in my situation (by the grace of God) one day I woke up and said "I'm not doing this anymore". It was truly like a light switch went on and I moved forward in a way that helped me remove myself from the abuse. It's now 20 years later, and I have a wonderful husband and fabulous 17 year old daughter. My life is better than I ever thought possible. And the abuser is divorced for the 4th time, bald, and grossly unattractive. I know that sounds shallow, but it's a small victory. God bless you, and know that you are stronger than you believe yourself to be at this time.

Formyownsake · April 2015

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!

Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.

You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.

I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.

I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.

I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.

Still... scared.

jenncornelsen · April 2015

The fact your considering it is awesome. Give it time. This break could be exactly what u need. Take a moment to think what u and only u really want out of life. What u could achieve. U are obviously smart and dedicated. Ill keep u in my thoughts,
Jenn

MinxyNZ · April 2015

I left my partner of 8 years who didn't ridicule me for being overweight but was physical sometimes (anger issues) and cheated on me constantly during our relationship. Two years on, it was the bravest thing I ever have done and the most amazing. Sure, I had my bluesy days, but the good feelings from being free from him win every single time.

Take this time apart to learn to love yourself, make positive changes for yourself (cut back on the drinking), try get out and enjoy the fresh air, talk talk talk (getting your feelings out in a constructive way helps! - something which took me a long time to do, but once I started it released me).

Work on building back up that confidence that that man tore down. You do not need to live up to his expectations, especially when he isn't living up to yours (being a loving supportive husband).

If losing weight is your goal, do it for yourself never for a man.

Soon you will realize how destructive and toxic that relationship is / was, and how YOU ARE WORTH so much more than that.

Be strong xo

palwithme · April 2015

So sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation. About ten months ago I stopped the alcohol and started dieting and working out. Guess what? It didn't help the marriage. Focusing on myself so much put an even greater strain on it. Why? I refuse to fix all of his problems any longer. We are working on it but I still don't know what to do. There are kids involved so I feel I should sacrifice my happiness for their stability. He is always angry with me and I just shut up so he doesn't go off in front of the kids. I am starting to realize I don't need to deal with all of his crap. It is a long process. The good news is the healthier I get physically the stronger I am emotionally. I see him for what he is - a control freak who never grew up. My advice is to forget about him and focus on yourself for now. If you don't want to lose weight then don't. You will never make him happy. Hugs to you.

sculptcha · April 2015

i can't offer much in the way of relationship advice. You had to have known before you even posted what sorts of replies you would get. YOU have the power: to either change your situation, or to simply endure an existence you can't stand. i wish you the best, and hope you take your life back.

what i can offer is support in your fitness goals! feel free to add.

999tigger · April 2015

I was thinking about this whilst at the gym. Youve made some great steps like going to AA and reaching out to the helpline. It's difficult for you to be completely objective about your situation and analyse it effectively. Its important you continue with the therapy.

I dont think the weight loss is an issue really. You can lose 35lbs if you put your mind to it, its pretty straightforward, but not at the unrealistic rate of 5lb a week.

Your husband has done you a favour by kicking you out as you can now have some refuge with your parents and away from him.

The important things I think are your mental wellbeing, keep up with the therapy, survive for the moment and later on you can get back to rebuilding yourself. Also staying off the alcohol, it gets in the way of you having a clear mind and being able to work out your solution. Keep up with AA, it was nice of your colleague to take you. A reminder to you that there are nice people in the world.

Dont worry about the job, its not that importnat and you can resume your career elsewhere if need be.
I'm sure everyones pointed it out but the issue is the husband and why you let one person rule your life and inflict such mental misery on you. It seems there are cultural implications which are difficult to ignore, but hinestly your huband will not change the person who he is, which means a lifetime of what you have already experienced plus worse. On that basis, no matter how scary Id suggest you need to get out as it offer you hope. Every woman ive helped escape a marriage has never regretted being put back in charge of their own life as they had hope.

Have you talked to your parents or anyone you cna trust who knows your personal / cultural situation about what they think about divorce. Would your parents stand by you? Do they know how abusive he is?

Please keep up the AA and hopefully you will reach a position where you cna get enough courage to leave. Once you make the decision, then make an escape plan so it goes smoothly and you are ready for eventualities.

The diet and losing weight I thinks a side issue, do it when you have dealt with some of these more importnat matters.

I hope you succeed, be brave and take care.

Ps he wont change his nature no matter how much you lose. he just sounds like a plain old controlling abusive bully.

glutenfreechic · April 2015

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!

Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.

You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.

I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.

I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.

I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.

Still... scared.

Good for you Managingintake! I'm so glad to hear this.

i feel that these issues he is hassling you on are not weight related, they are about control. Google 'the power and control wheel'. Sit back, take a breath, read it and give yourself a break. I read this myself years back at the direction of my counselor and was floored at the similarities i saw in my own situation. It really opened my eyes and gave me perspective.

Go you!

Meeezonajourney · April 2015

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!

Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.

You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.

I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.

I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.

I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.

Still... scared.

I left my insane controlling abusive husband while unemployed. All I had was my clothes and my dogs. I moved in with a friend, went back to school, and now I have an amazing job and I own my own house. I felt like a failure for half my life because of how he treated me. The point being HALF MY LIFE!!! I allowed that to happen but now I'll never look back. Life is fabulous and I have the other half my life to live on my terms. I'm not trying to preach but don't be a victim of circumstances! You can do this and don't let anyone tell you differently. Those who look down on you or blame you have never been in your shoes. Do this for yourself...you deserve it

Formyownsake · April 2015

Thanks glutenfreechic, I Google'd the power and control wheel and it almost describes everything! I want him to see it so he can see what I see. I actually went through and highlighted all the applicable items and the whole wheel looks yellow all over now.

He actually thinks, deep down, that he does not have any problems, he is justified for acting the way he does, and that I am the cause of his abuse. He refuses to admit that he has anger issues. I am doing everything in my power to get better, and in order to do som I had to determine I had a problem and I wanted to get better (intention).

I wish he would do the same.

Thanks also Gnulie for sharing your story. I don't want to be a victim of circumstances...

Everyone's comments are getting me through the day. Knowing that I have all these wonderful supporters really seems to help.

Smallc10 · April 2015

You need to think about it this way as well - you don't want to throw away the first half of your life by getting a divorce, but do you want to throw away the second half of your life by being miserable in a controlling and abusive relationship? Don't you deserve to be happy, or at least have a chance to figure out who you are??

Just food for thought. Good luck! and be careful!

My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

Replies

Categories