My rock bottom... trying to get out :(
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Also, forgot to add, alcohol is a depressant. I quit drinking alcohol and feel SOOO much better. That's probably why your thoughts have left. Also, you have left your abusers so that has got to help somewhat. Maybe you can write a letter to your husband? Spell out very clearly that you don't think his behavior (or whatever you want to call it) is normal? acceptable? I don't know the right word exactly. Be specific about the 30 days with only water comment. Writing a letter allows you to stay in control of the conversation. But, like I said before, I hate to give advice since I am not an expert in this area.0
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ManagingIntake wrote: »
I don't understand. I know I'm not there to see/listen to what my husband is doing, but how can he just act like this is nothing and everything is going to go back to normal? How is he not focusing on the fact that I am living with my parents because of him?? How does he not understand how serious this situation is on our relationship?
Because, in his mind, he is still in control of you. He is in control of the relationship. His reality is completely different than yours. Just my opinion.0 -
Thanks palwithme. And 999tiger, I am in Canada.0
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I'm curious. He "saves" his money. You spend your earnings on the bills. Do you have access to the savings? Is your name on the account? I highly recommend getting documentation of what the account balance was when you left (directly from the bank).
This is such a toxic relationship. I hope you are starting to see that. And personally I think you should see an attorney just to review your options regarding everything. Reviewing options is never a bad thing.
And stop texting him please.
. Find someone to talk to when you need to. You are keeping the cord attached to him. And don't think he doesn't know it. He wants you to get lower and lower in your confidence then come grovel back to him. 0 -
Is there any chance you can talk to a refuge?
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/
http://endvaw.ca/get-help
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/sfv-avf/services-eng.php
You need to speak to people who have the experience and can help you see how your situation works.
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Wow.
You are lucky to have so much education, resources, and a family you can stay with. Amazing.
I left an abusive spouse with two kids, a high school degree, no family. Went to a shelter.
Start a gratitude journal. Your have a lot to be thankful for. That may help you.0 -
zacknana, we kept separate bank accounts. Our deal was I would pay for most of the bills, and he would pay for the down payment on our new house. My name is not on his account but I'm sure I can get documentation through mandatory financial disclosure if we go through a divorce (the one thing about my last job is I did a lot of family law, so I know I have rights), but you're right, I may want to talk to a family law lawyer even though I am/was one myself.
P.S. I hated practicing family law. Too depressing.
999tiger, thank you for the links.
softblonde and new meadow, that's a great idea. A lawyer I met in AA actually recommended that. I have started a journal just to write down some of my thoughts and what I'm going through, but I should start a "gratitude" journal as well.
Thank you softblonde for sharing your story. It helps to hear I am not alone.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »zacknana, we kept separate bank accounts. Our deal was I would pay for most of the bills, and he would pay for the down payment on our new house. My name is not on his account but I'm sure I can get documentation through mandatory financial disclosure if we go through a divorce (the one thing about my last job is I did a lot of family law, so I know I have rights), but you're right, I may want to talk to a family law lawyer even though I am/was one myself.
P.S. I hated practicing family law. Too depressing.
999tiger, thank you for the links.
softblonde and new meadow, that's a great idea. A lawyer I met in AA actually recommended that. I have started a journal just to write down some of my thoughts and what I'm going through, but I should start a "gratitude" journal as well.
Thank you softblonde for sharing your story. It helps to hear I am not alone.
He certainly did not expect that making you a lawyer might backfire some day
I feel like you are getting more and more used to the thought that you will go seperate ways, is that right? It seemed awkward to you that he was still taking you for granted while you are actually starting to break out. You are thinking about finances. And looking at your own situation through your professional lense. I see you still struggeling but breaking free.
I think this is a control/power thing. Alcohol controlled you. Now you are controlling it. And you will be able to control food. And your professional life.
Maybe you could read about goal setting. It would help you get some ground under your feet because you are afraid of the big emptiness and uncertainty in your life. Set some goals (doable goals that you have control over, like "I am going to look through job offers for 1h/day" which you can do instead of "I am going to find a job within 2 months" which you cannot control) and work your way through. I have an app where I check off at night what I accomplished. It helps you stay focused on what you really value and want.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »zacknana, we kept separate bank accounts. Our deal was I would pay for most of the bills, and he would pay for the down payment on our new house. My name is not on his account but I'm sure I can get documentation through mandatory financial disclosure if we go through a divorce (the one thing about my last job is I did a lot of family law, so I know I have rights), but you're right, I may want to talk to a family law lawyer even though I am/was one myself.
P.S. I hated practicing family law. Too depressing.
999tiger, thank you for the links.
softblonde and new meadow, that's a great idea. A lawyer I met in AA actually recommended that. I have started a journal just to write down some of my thoughts and what I'm going through, but I should start a "gratitude" journal as well.
Thank you softblonde for sharing your story. It helps to hear I am not alone.
Something tells me a guy who has his wife pay the bills then puts "his" funds into a savings account without her name on the account isn't going to hesitate to remove those funds and spend them.
Please talk to an attorney and share your full story and protect yourself. You may be the best attorney in the world but you will give YOURSELF pretty bad advice. Oh. That's a good point. If a woman came to you, as an attorney, with this story - what would you tell her to do?0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a *kitten* when you married him.
Real life is so much more complicated. Honestly, I think that this is a pretty horrible thing to say, but I'm going to guess that you are too young to understand why.
ETA: Nope, you are old enough to know better...but you do admit to being stupid in your profile, so let's just go with that.0 -
I love you all. I like the idea of setting achievable goals like you said sengalissa...
And you're right, I'm starting to think through a professional lens but I'm still struggling with the idea of breaking free. I appreciate everyone who is saying "leave him now", but it's so hard to imagine such a big change. (Please don't get mad at me for not jumping to the idea of leaving him... it's just so difficult).
In fact, I was just PM'ing with one of my MFP friends about a question I had, and I want to ask it here too, to see if anyone has any advice. I'm actually going to copy and paste my question:
The last time I went to my psychologist, he came. He came because he found out about my drinking (when I was in my car accident and he came to get me, he found an empty mickey of vodka under my seat because that's where I hid them) and he wanted to "make sure" my psychologist knew about the drinking. I have been asking him to come since I started seeing her in December, but he never cared to. But when he did come, it was more to control and make sure I was telling the truth to someone rather than to come as a support system and maybe work on our marriage. In fact, when we left, he said he felt like he was being bashed for how he treats me and he feels justified in how he treats me. The psychologist told us to have a conversation about reactions and responses, and he has refused to have that conversation. The ONE thing he did learn, and has said he now understands, is how to "separate the person from the person's behaviour" i.e., my drinking isn't who I am (WAS... since I don't drink anymore, two weeks sober), but how I was behaving. He also wants me to think about his abuse as not who he is, but how is is behaving. Hmmmm...
Aaaanyway, where I was getting with this is the next appointment is on Wednesday and in order for me to continue getting free psychology appointments through the Law Society, because my hours are almost up, my psychologist said he should continue coming and she can put it under him for hours (because our family members also get free psychology appointments to a maximum of certain hours). I don't know if he remembers the appointment time or date. We were still "together" i.e., he hadn't kicked me out at the time we had our last appointment, and I just put it in my own calendar. I wonder if I should remind him? If he should come? If he will just show up? I kind of want him to be there so he can hear me tell the psychologist what I am feeling without lashing out (because he wouldn't do it in front of someone else), but I also have a part of me that wants to talk to her alone for a session before he comes. Not sure what to do.
Thoughts?
I am sorry I am not as strong as I should be right now. I am trying...0 -
P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!0 -
ManagingIntake, I am late to the thread but just wanted to send you good wishes.
I am about your height and 190 is my goal weight. I am 20 pounds above that now still get lots of positive attention for my body. Unless you have an extremely tiny frame size, your husband is WAY off base. His feelings have to do with control and may not be a valid reflection on your weight or looks in any way.
Being here and tracking is a good idea, but as a support to getting healthier and not necessarily for weight loss.
It sounds like anxiety, and self-medicating for anxiety, are at the root of all of your challenges. In your position, I would work on getting that under control before anything else.
Sure you have wasted a lot of your life in a bad relationship...but if you go back, you will only be wasting MORE.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!
There are things about him you love. You fell in love with him for a reason, and you haven't left him because from time to time you still see the things you love. You want to change him so you'll have the man you fell in love with AND a man who treats you right, and you won't have to go through a massive life overhaul. If he would just be kind and loving, everything would be perfect. But he's not going to. If anything, you've made it sound like he's gotten worse over time.
I really think you should go to therapy alone. Your life has changed in a HUGE way since your last appointment, and I think it's important you talk with your psych about the things you've been talking to us about. It will help you put your feelings in clearer perspective, and it may help you develop a plan of action.
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crystalflame wrote: »ManagingIntake wrote: »P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!
There are things about him you love. You fell in love with him for a reason, and you haven't left him because from time to time you still see the things you love. You want to change him so you'll have the man you fell in love with AND a man who treats you right, and you won't have to go through a massive life overhaul. If he would just be kind and loving, everything would be perfect. But he's not going to. If anything, you've made it sound like he's gotten worse over time.
I really think you should go to therapy alone. Your life has changed in a HUGE way since your last appointment, and I think it's important you talk with your psych about the things you've been talking to us about. It will help you put your feelings in clearer perspective, and it may help you develop a plan of action.
YES. X100. Don't worry about the more free sessions. WORRY ABOUT YOU. You are worth sooo much more than what you have been given and it's going to take time for you to fully realize it. And he should be asking you to come back any time now. He won't want you out of his control long. Please stay where you are while you figure this out.0 -
YES...., go to the appointment alone this time. 0
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ManagingIntake wrote: »P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!
You can't make him change any more than you can make a snake not want to strike. He is what he is. I'm sure you've cried and begged him to love you and not hurt you in the past. He didn't change. He isn't going to change. You can do what he wants and ACCEPT him as he is BUT you can accept it and move on with your life without him. I divorced my ex and had 2 small children. I know why you say it's hard. But a few months down the road you will be HAPPY again. Life can be good - if you let it.
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I would consider calling your psychologist and discussing this situation with her. That way whatever happens she is already aware and has a chance to work out some solutions that might help.
I can't really think of anyone better suited to guiding you on this one but her.
I feel it would help you immensely if you were able to access some counseling, just for yourself, on a regular basis. Is this a possibility for you? Through AA, law society, counseling helplines, women's refuge centre, or anywhere reputable you can think of. Building your inner strength right now is so important and with the right support will help you so much.
Zacksnana said stop texting him, and i agree. If there is never a response he will stop bothering, I did this myself and it was effective. However, keep the texts he sends you, and any other correspondence. You never know when you might need that kind of thing in the future, however unpleasant that sounds right now. Lol. look at me saying this to a lawyer haha.
I also agree with zacksnana on another point, which was to think of your own situation as a work case. Exactly what would you say as a lawyer? What would you advise this woman to do? Write yourself a letter in legal speak detailing this advice. Go out and mail it to yourself if you have to. Do whatever you need to do to see your own situation clearly and in perspective.
In time you will realise just how strong and amazing a woman you are. We can see that in you already0 -
One more thing. i stayed and stayed and stayed in a terrible relationship because 'i loved him'. With the benefit of hindsight, i came to realise that love on it's own is not enough to sustain a decent relationship. There are many other essential components to a sustainable and lasting (loving ) relationship. So if you're hesitant to move on because you feel still love him, I'm very gently saying to you, it's not enough.0
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I am an emergency dispatcher with the police. I have talked to lots of abused women who stay in a relationship with someone who is verbally and physically abusive for different reasons, the kids, wanting to 'work it out'.... My advice to you....it may be hard...but leave...a lot of abusers will escalate in their violence. I just finished talking to a lady who was choked in front of her children. Leave...before he kills you.0
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Wow. jdm1726, that was a very powerful message. I will think heavily about what you said.
glutenfreechic I like the idea of giving myself legal advice and mailing it to myself. I might do that. My advice might be clouded with emotions though so I might wait a while until my head is a little clearer.
I haven't answered his texts. He kept sending more texts tonight, one asking to talk tomorrow, another one saying "it's up to you, remember it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
Little does he know, I am reacting to HIM. Yes, losing my job, and all the other stuff, but this is the first time in our 13 years together that I have left him (I know he kicked me out, but the old me (it's weird to say that) would try to come home crying and apologizing and asking him to take me back. I feel like, if this doesn't change him, then nothing will.
I know most of you are saying he won't change. And I am starting to believe you. I still have a small hope that he will. (Please don't think less of me for saying that... it's just this is all so new to me, this separation thing).
I feel strong for not answering his texts, and that is a HUGE step for me. I am usually at his beck and call at all hours of the day.
I am going to sleep now. I am meeting my new AA sponsor for coffee tomorrow morning.
I love you all. I really do.
I will check back on the thread after the coffee meeting and let you know how it goes.
Oh, and glutenfreechic, I think that's a good idea to call my psychologist ahead of the appointment to let her know what's going on. That makes me feel better instead of obsessing over whether or not I should remind him of the appointment.
xoxo0 -
Props for reaching out and putting your story out there. I dont have much advice to give other than: try not to justify his words and actions. I have been there before, and I would make excuses for verbal attacks and say to myself that I deserved it and that it was based on truth. Know that this is your life and you deserve to be happy. This is an opportunity to take control of your life, you have the support of all of us here, dont ever feel like you are alone.0
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Please don't remind him of the appointment. That opens communication with him that you don't want right now. You need to get your head clear without him there talking to you. Also having a session alone with your counselor will be REALLY beneficial right now. You need to talk to someone about the way he is treating you and how you are feeling without them there. You need perspective without him clouding your thoughts.0
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Wow, Managing. Your progression in just a few days. Your law degree was no coincidence. You're just... well, you're amazing
Let's see, shiny new car, rid of the old boss, rid of the abusive husband, living with people that absolutely adore you, for a change. How do you feel??
You mention not being able to find anything in your area, but Miss Newly Single (should you fully accept the challenge), did you know that means you could search for and accept any job on the planet?? I was laid off from what was, in hindsight, a totally ludicrous job for my personality type (organizing people/events on a low level). This freed me up to really focus on finding the career I now have, which is pretty freakin amazing
I know this comment might be several steps removed from reality, but you mentioned being embarrassed to show up at the women's shelter since you sent people there yourself. Imagine the strength it would give them to realize this truly could happen to ANYONE. It's not because they were a waitress or stay at home Mom or young or old or another type of professional, and no matter their situation they could still reach out for help. I know you don't see yourself as being capable of being anyone's positive example right now, but just think about it
You mention your reputition but you're a young new lawyer whose main job is learning as much as possible and being a work horse, no? I don't know much about your profession but our last hire had been laid off. Again this happens all the time for any number of reasons. If the position is open, we want to fill it, and all we care about is that the person has a good head on their shoulders, can work well with others, isn't lazy, and has the skill set for the job0 -
What's all this about a women's shelter for the OP? It seems a bit of a stretch, given the information provided in this thread.
She wasn't threatened with physical violence or financial ruin. She wasn't extorted, whored out, physically attacked, stalked, denied food and water, prevented from working, prevented from attending AA meetings, or cut off from family relationships. In fact, using her own words, he kicked her out.
Just because a guy didn't go to charm school, it doesn't make him an arch predator and a danger to society. Jeez.
I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
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I had the same urge ... for months. I always hoped that his texts meant he cared, somehow. That he realized he made a mistake by leaving me, treating me like this. I always hoped that my responses would ... I don't know, melt his heart, make him see how much he actually loves me, and wants me back. I also thought that answering him and still doing little things for him (like getting him on my heath insurance after he was laid off although we were already separated) would show how much I cared.ManagingIntake wrote: »P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!
I totally understand that urge. It took me a long time to get rid of it. But it will go away, eventually. Stay strong, and if you find yourself mulling over a possible answer to his texts, try your hardest to distract yourself from thinking about it. Start writing, drawing ... whatever you like to do. Xo
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I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Yeah, she mentioned physical abuse in the first post.
A lot of problems we face are our own doing. Doesn't mean we couldn't use a little help to figure out how to get out from under it. And frankly I take that back because his being an abusive, manipulative douche bag is not her doing and is 100% HIS fault.
I like how this page uses the separate words battered and abused. So many similarities between this topic and the ones covered on this website:
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm0 -
I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
It's so refreshing to read something truthful and not full of cliché's.-4 -
I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Yeah, she mentioned physical abuse in the first post.
I stand corrected. Thanks Jane.
It appears she still pines after him and has no plans to immediate divorce him.
I sometimes pine after people I saw for much shorter durations. It's called being human. There's light on the other side. This too, shall pass. 0
This discussion has been closed.
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