My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

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Replies

  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Wow. jdm1726, that was a very powerful message. I will think heavily about what you said.

    glutenfreechic I like the idea of giving myself legal advice and mailing it to myself. I might do that. My advice might be clouded with emotions though so I might wait a while until my head is a little clearer.

    I haven't answered his texts. He kept sending more texts tonight, one asking to talk tomorrow, another one saying "it's up to you, remember it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

    Little does he know, I am reacting to HIM. Yes, losing my job, and all the other stuff, but this is the first time in our 13 years together that I have left him (I know he kicked me out, but the old me (it's weird to say that) would try to come home crying and apologizing and asking him to take me back. I feel like, if this doesn't change him, then nothing will.

    I know most of you are saying he won't change. And I am starting to believe you. I still have a small hope that he will. (Please don't think less of me for saying that... it's just this is all so new to me, this separation thing).

    I feel strong for not answering his texts, and that is a HUGE step for me. I am usually at his beck and call at all hours of the day.

    I am going to sleep now. I am meeting my new AA sponsor for coffee tomorrow morning.

    I love you all. I really do.

    I will check back on the thread after the coffee meeting and let you know how it goes.

    Oh, and glutenfreechic, I think that's a good idea to call my psychologist ahead of the appointment to let her know what's going on. That makes me feel better instead of obsessing over whether or not I should remind him of the appointment.

    xoxo
  • Props for reaching out and putting your story out there. I dont have much advice to give other than: try not to justify his words and actions. I have been there before, and I would make excuses for verbal attacks and say to myself that I deserved it and that it was based on truth. Know that this is your life and you deserve to be happy. This is an opportunity to take control of your life, you have the support of all of us here, dont ever feel like you are alone.
  • Smallc10
    Smallc10 Posts: 530 Member
    Please don't remind him of the appointment. That opens communication with him that you don't want right now. You need to get your head clear without him there talking to you. Also having a session alone with your counselor will be REALLY beneficial right now. You need to talk to someone about the way he is treating you and how you are feeling without them there. You need perspective without him clouding your thoughts.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Something tells me this is going to be a very long running thread.

    Something tells me there's a lot in the story we're not getting....
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    Wow, Managing. Your progression in just a few days. Your law degree was no coincidence. You're just... well, you're amazing

    Let's see, shiny new car, rid of the old boss, rid of the abusive husband, living with people that absolutely adore you, for a change. How do you feel??

    You mention not being able to find anything in your area, but Miss Newly Single (should you fully accept the challenge), did you know that means you could search for and accept any job on the planet?? I was laid off from what was, in hindsight, a totally ludicrous job for my personality type (organizing people/events on a low level). This freed me up to really focus on finding the career I now have, which is pretty freakin amazing

    I know this comment might be several steps removed from reality, but you mentioned being embarrassed to show up at the women's shelter since you sent people there yourself. Imagine the strength it would give them to realize this truly could happen to ANYONE. It's not because they were a waitress or stay at home Mom or young or old or another type of professional, and no matter their situation they could still reach out for help. I know you don't see yourself as being capable of being anyone's positive example right now, but just think about it :)

    You mention your reputition but you're a young new lawyer whose main job is learning as much as possible and being a work horse, no? I don't know much about your profession but our last hire had been laid off. Again this happens all the time for any number of reasons. If the position is open, we want to fill it, and all we care about is that the person has a good head on their shoulders, can work well with others, isn't lazy, and has the skill set for the job
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    What's all this about a women's shelter for the OP? It seems a bit of a stretch, given the information provided in this thread.

    She wasn't threatened with physical violence or financial ruin. She wasn't extorted, whored out, physically attacked, stalked, denied food and water, prevented from working, prevented from attending AA meetings, or cut off from family relationships. In fact, using her own words, he kicked her out.

    Just because a guy didn't go to charm school, it doesn't make him an arch predator and a danger to society. Jeez.

    I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and

    2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
  • Arliah
    Arliah Posts: 266 Member
    P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".

    Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...

    Argh!
    I had the same urge ... for months. I always hoped that his texts meant he cared, somehow. That he realized he made a mistake by leaving me, treating me like this. I always hoped that my responses would ... I don't know, melt his heart, make him see how much he actually loves me, and wants me back. I also thought that answering him and still doing little things for him (like getting him on my heath insurance after he was laid off although we were already separated) would show how much I cared.

    I totally understand that urge. It took me a long time to get rid of it. But it will go away, eventually. Stay strong, and if you find yourself mulling over a possible answer to his texts, try your hardest to distract yourself from thinking about it. Start writing, drawing ... whatever you like to do. Xo
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    edited April 2015
    newmeadow wrote: »
    JaneiR36 wrote: »
    I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and

    2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??

    If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.

    There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.

    Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.

    Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.

    There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.

    Yeah, she mentioned physical abuse in the first post.

    A lot of problems we face are our own doing. Doesn't mean we couldn't use a little help to figure out how to get out from under it. And frankly I take that back because his being an abusive, manipulative douche bag is not her doing and is 100% HIS fault.

    I like how this page uses the separate words battered and abused. So many similarities between this topic and the ones covered on this website:

    http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm
  • slideaway1
    slideaway1 Posts: 1,006 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    JaneiR36 wrote: »
    I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and

    2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??

    If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.

    There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.

    Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.

    Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.

    There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.

    It's so refreshing to read something truthful and not full of cliché's.
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    JaneiR36 wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    JaneiR36 wrote: »
    I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and

    2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??

    If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.

    There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.

    Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.

    Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.

    There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.

    Yeah, she mentioned physical abuse in the first post.

    I stand corrected. Thanks Jane.

    It appears she still pines after him and has no plans to immediate divorce him.

    I sometimes pine after people I saw for much shorter durations. It's called being human. There's light on the other side. This too, shall pass. :)
  • kammcc2
    kammcc2 Posts: 1
    I haven't read all (6 pages!) of replies to your post, but enough to see that many people are telling you what I also think:

    1) You do not deserve to be treated the way your husband has been treating you forever. You need to extract yourself from that situation, permanently. If you don't, he will ruin your life. Don't give him that power. You cannot change him. Save yourself.

    2) It would really help you to start talking to some Domestic Violence people -- they can help give you some clarity, perspective, and desperately needed support.

    3) Alcohol does not help -- in fact, it makes everything worse. Nobody is forcing you to drink. You have the power to stop.

    4) At 6 foot tall, one formula for "ideal weight" for a woman is this:
    (100 lbs for 5 ft) + (5 lbs for every inch above 5 ft)
    = 100 + 60
    = 160.

    So, at 189lbs, you're only 29 lbs above that "ideal."

    That is not "grossly fat" or any other nasty terms that jerk has thrown at you. (I need to lose 60 lbs to reach my "ideal" -- you only have half that to lose.) Losing between 1/2 and 1 lb per week is healthy and sustainable. And it's YOUR choice, YOUR body, YOUR life. Nobody else gets to say anything about YOUR body.

    Please do what you know you need to do to save YOUR self from this situation. Maybe start by making two side-by-side lists: Reasons to STAY versus Reasons to GO.

    Love yourself.
  • Vanessa6122
    Vanessa6122 Posts: 14 Member
    OMG...I feel for you. I've recently hit rock bottom too with my husband of 12 years leaving me last month and having turmoil in my job myself. I know that your husband (piece of *kitten*) kicking you out is hard but I think it's a blessing in disguise. I found this great book and website where you can get help. It's called (getting past your breakup . com) they also have a section on women of domestic violence and you can blog and get help there. You can also read a book that I've started to read (it's pretty rough but keep reading it) called Codependent No More.

    Hope that helps and please know that you're worth it! Just because you have idiots (husband and boss) in your life that don't see your true worth doesn't mean you have to actually believe them.

    You're worth it!!

  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    What's all this about a women's shelter for the OP? It seems a bit of a stretch, given the information provided in this thread.

    She wasn't threatened with physical violence or financial ruin. She wasn't extorted, whored out, physically attacked, stalked, denied food and water, prevented from working, prevented from attending AA meetings, or cut off from family relationships. In fact, using her own words, he kicked her out.

    Just because a guy didn't go to charm school, it doesn't make him an arch predator and a danger to society. Jeez.

    I mentioned shelters because she can talk to people who have the experience and understand what abused women go through. Perfectly sensible assistance for someone going through a difficult experience. The man is an abuser.

    Do you have anything positive to contribute?
  • pascalealana
    pascalealana Posts: 14 Member
    I came across your story just today but read through most of the posts. I am extremely proud of you for what you have accomplished so far. The road ahead is looking good for you especially if you focus on you. I am sorry about losing your job that was sad to see reading through the thread I was hoping you would be able to keep your job and support yourself without having to support your husband. You are stronger than you know and like many people have said you deserve so much better and life can be so much better although it will be scary trying newthings. I hope that you become happier even if its scary. Its hard to separate yourself from someone you love so much but if you do get a divorce and focus on yourself you will meet someone who loves your body and loves you. Someone who wants to take care of YOU as much as you need to take care of yourself. A partner in life is supposed to be your teammate. Someone who loves and cares for you works with you to achieve goals. They dont tell you to leave until you are at the goal. That is not uncondiontal love and that shouldnt have been what you signed up for. Lucky for you you can make money as a lawyer even if it wasnt your dream job. You dont need a man who forces you to take care of them. Take care of you :) One day you will see what love can really be and you will look back at this marriage and see what everyone else sees. Most importantly you will be happy and free!
  • DKLI
    DKLI Posts: 63 Member
    He's texting you to make sure he's still in control. Do not respond. He doesn't regret or feel sorry about what he's done to you, he feels it's his right. Do not tell him anything about what you are doing. You do not want him to know where you are, when you'll be somewhere, who you are with.

    I know it's hard right now. You feel like part of you is missing bur remember that the part that is missing is the negative, violent and controlling part. Only you control your life so from now on, please try to think that way. You have all of the control.

    He thinks if he threatens you, belittles you, or makes you feel you can't survive without him, he wins. He did you a BIG favor making you leave. He will come to realize that instead of you crawling back to him, begging him to let you back in, he has lost total control. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, look it up. Because of the years of him being able to make you do anything he wishes, he is assuming things will return to the way they were once you come home and "obey" his orders to lose weight, follow a schedule, check in with him, breathe correctly, whatever he dictates. You should remember that the more you try to bend to his control, the less he respects you and the worse it will get. You cannot win with a Narcissist.

    Today is the day you get your life back.
  • PlumpKitten
    PlumpKitten Posts: 112 Member
    Weight is not your issue right now.
    I am helping a friend through a long, terrible divorce from an abusive man. She's a lovely woman who hung onto that horrible marriage for years. I've learned more about abuse & family law than I ever wanted to.

    Abusive is abusive, and it will never change.
    Your husband is psychologically unstable and will hurt both you and himself.
    Abuse starts with a slur, a yelling-at, then a hard kick under the covers, then a shove, then a punch, then even worse. Don't let it get there.

    1. Keep going to AA. You need to keep this under control to do the rest of it.
    2. Don't physically go home except to get your stuff. Start a physical separation from your husband immediately & note the date.
    3. Take notes on the details and dates of all instances of abuse and communications. Your law training will come in handy.
    4. Get a good divorce lawyer.

    Once you leave him and get the drinking under control, then go back to dieting.

    BTW, at almost 6', you're not very overweight. You might not be a supermodel, but you are hardly obese. I'm going to guess you're on the heavy side of normal. And that's not the issue anyway. If it wasn't your weight, it'd be your aging, or hair, or dress. That's how abusive men are.

    Good luck. Take care of yourself.

  • DKLI
    DKLI Posts: 63 Member
    I was also going to suggest filing for a legal separation. I know it sounds terrible but you will suffer from PTSD once you are fully away, legally and physically. Don't let that stop you because you will wake up from those bad dreams relieved they were only dreams and not your life.
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Thank you everyone again for your comments.

    To the few that said I wasn't being physically abused so I shouldn't go to a women's shelter (which I haven't yet and not sure I will), I was being very physically abused. My posts have focused on the verbal abuse, because it reality, it hurts so much worse.

    There is rarely a day that I didn't have a bruise. Mostly my legs and upper arms (he likes to hit me where my clothes will cover) but there have been worse incidents.

    One day a couple years ago when he saw me eating chocolate (but wanted me to lose weight, like now), he took his wedding ring off and threw it as hard as he could at me. It hit me square in the middle of my left eye, and I almost went blind in that eye. I had to go to the hospital and get treated to save my eyesight. I told people at work it was from playing street hockey and a hockey stick got me in the eye.

    I have had a couple of fractured bones as well. He has squeezed my fat so hard I started to bleed from his nails digging into me.

    He has destroyed a lot of my property too. He has smashed an old laptop of mine and I lost all my data. He has ripped up my clothes that he doesn't like. He has torn apart our wedding album. He has ripped up blankets that I knitted and tore apart jewelry that I made (I like arts and crafts, and he usually destroys the things I put my heart into).

    I met my AA sponsor today for coffee and told her everything. She is being very supportive of me. She is 4 years sober, a criminal defence lawyer, and told me that she will tell me her story next, but that it was just as bad, if not worse than mine.

    I am still not drinking. 15 days sober.

    I like the idea of calling my psychologist first, before the Wednesday meeting, to discuss the situation before I remind him about the appointment (that is, if I do... he might actually remember and just show up).

    He texted me about an hour and a half ago: "I'm starting to clean the house. I would like to get together after to talk, message me back and let me know if you want to meet up".

    I haven't replied.

    A part of me wants to meet him to tell him I will be staying with my parents for longer. That we will stay separated. If he tries to apologize and defend himself I would walk away. But I also think I should just let him know how I feel with silence. I am also still clouded with emotions and may be a little weak, buying into his apologies if he has any.

    To all of those who have taken the time to read my messages and send me supportive comments, I want to thank you. I admit to not being the strongest person right now. And I know some think I am stupid for not filing for divorce yet or making a decision.

    In fact, one of the pieces of advice I have received from many of my fellow AA members is: "You should not make any major decisions in your first year of sobriety".

    One lady posted, a few posts back:

    "It appears she still pines after him and has no immediate plans to divorce him. Eeeewww. I wish I never commented on this thread.

    I'm out."

    To be quite honest, I was really hurt by that. Started crying. But it's because I am dealing with depression and anxiety and complete sadness and my mental illness is standing in the way of me being completely confident in anything. The fact I am staying with my parents and not begging for him to forgive me and take me back, is a HUGE difference for me, as that it what I would typically do.

    I have to take one step at a time and I'm sorry to those who do not think I am acting quick enough.



  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,196 Member
    DKLI wrote: »
    He's texting you to make sure he's still in control. Do not respond. He doesn't regret or feel sorry about what he's done to you, he feels it's his right. Do not tell him anything about what you are doing. You do not want him to know where you are, when you'll be somewhere, who you are with.

    Exactly.

    I think that the idea of looking into legal separation is a good one.

  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    edited April 2015

    Thank you everyone again for your comments.

    To the few that said I wasn't being physically abused so I shouldn't go to a women's shelter (which I haven't yet and not sure I will), I was being very physically abused. My posts have focused on the verbal abuse, because it reality, it hurts so much worse.

    There is rarely a day that I didn't have a bruise. Mostly my legs and upper arms (he likes to hit me where my clothes will cover) but there have been worse incidents.

    One day a couple years ago when he saw me eating chocolate (but wanted me to lose weight, like now), he took his wedding ring off and threw it as hard as he could at me. It hit me square in the middle of my left eye, and I almost went blind in that eye. I had to go to the hospital and get treated to save my eyesight. I told people at work it was from playing street hockey and a hockey stick got me in the eye.

    I have had a couple of fractured bones as well. He has squeezed my fat so hard I started to bleed from his nails digging into me.

    He has destroyed a lot of my property too. He has smashed an old laptop of mine and I lost all my data. He has ripped up my clothes that he doesn't like. He has torn apart our wedding album. He has ripped up blankets that I knitted and tore apart jewelry that I made (I like arts and crafts, and he usually destroys the things I put my heart into).

    I met my AA sponsor today for coffee and told her everything. She is being very supportive of me. She is 4 years sober, a criminal defence lawyer, and told me that she will tell me her story next, but that it was just as bad, if not worse than mine.

    I am still not drinking. 15 days sober.

    I like the idea of calling my psychologist first, before the Wednesday meeting, to discuss the situation before I remind him about the appointment (that is, if I do... he might actually remember and just show up).

    He texted me about an hour and a half ago: "I'm starting to clean the house. I would like to get together after to talk, message me back and let me know if you want to meet up".

    I haven't replied.

    A part of me wants to meet him to tell him I will be staying with my parents for longer. That we will stay separated. If he tries to apologize and defend himself I would walk away. But I also think I should just let him know how I feel with silence. I am also still clouded with emotions and may be a little weak, buying into his apologies if he has any.

    To all of those who have taken the time to read my messages and send me supportive comments, I want to thank you. I admit to not being the strongest person right now. And I know some think I am stupid for not filing for divorce yet or making a decision.

    In fact, one of the pieces of advice I have received from many of my fellow AA members is: "You should not make any major decisions in your first year of sobriety".

    One lady posted, a few posts back:

    "It appears she still pines after him and has no immediate plans to divorce him. Eeeewww. I wish I never commented on this thread.

    I'm out."

    To be quite honest, I was really hurt by that. Started crying. But it's because I am dealing with depression and anxiety and complete sadness and my mental illness is standing in the way of me being completely confident in anything. The fact I am staying with my parents and not begging for him to forgive me and take me back, is a HUGE difference for me, as that it what I would typically do.

    I have to take one step at a time and I'm sorry to those who do not think I am acting quick enough.



    Sweetie don't feel bad about the comment that poster made. It disgusted many of us. You are doing the right thing by ignoring your soon to be ex-husband. (See I will stay positive enough for both of us. :) )keep taking one step at a time. You are getting there. You CAN and WILL do this.

    You don't have to keep taking the abuse. Why would he stop now?? He's trying to lure you back with fake kindness but it will be a matter of days - if not less - and he will be back to abusing you.

    Don't fall for it. Stay strong.