Setting goals

superhockeymom wrote: »

WBB55 wrote: »

superhockeymom wrote: »

WinoGelato wrote: »

superhockeymom wrote: »

My husband is not as in the dark as I may have made him out to be. We simply do not really see each other often and he is not that kinda guy. Honestly he would be very like "ok that's good". and that would be the end of it.
It's not a bad thing it is just the way he is.
What will make my husband happy is if he see's me actually doing what he knows I want to do and that is get in shape.

So if you sat down with your husband and said, "honey, I need to talk to you. I've really been struggling with trying to be healthy in both body and mind. I have a lot of issues with having unrealistic expectations for myself, I'm very down on myself, I've been eating less than 1000 calories a day and a good portion of those come from wine. I feel overwhelmed and I often share these feelings with the MFP community and they've urged me to eat more, seek help from a therapist, stop with the self loathing, and be more open with you and the kids about the goals I have for myself so that you can help me reach all of them, and be there for me when I slip."

You're saying his response would be "ok honey whatever as long as you're happy?"

I think you are misunderstanding what I'm suggesting you talk to him about. Not getting in shape or your step goal. The fact that you feel like this is your outlet to share your insecurities and not him, that you are struggling with disordered eating and negative views of yourself. That's what you need to share with him. Not, "I'm going to try to drink more water".

And honestly yes the answer I said he would give is what I would get. It might not be how he feels but it is what he would say. Then after that my life would be micro managed last thing I need is more stress. I will talk to him at a later date when I am ready. When I am already more confident. Right now it is sad to say but it would make things much harder.

If I knew you, I would tell him for you behind your back. I think it's THAT important that he knows. I'm deeply disturbed by your reluctance.

I'm sorry. Perhaps I will. It was not one of my goals this week and just thinking about it is stressing me out. I can hear the conversation now. Not good. Well i doubt I will see him before Friday so I guess I can relax a little bit for now

If he's gone so much, how exactly will your life start to be micromanaged?

superhockeymom wrote: »

WBB55 wrote: »

superhockeymom wrote: »

WinoGelato wrote: »

superhockeymom wrote: »

My husband is not as in the dark as I may have made him out to be. We simply do not really see each other often and he is not that kinda guy. Honestly he would be very like "ok that's good". and that would be the end of it.
It's not a bad thing it is just the way he is.
What will make my husband happy is if he see's me actually doing what he knows I want to do and that is get in shape.

So if you sat down with your husband and said, "honey, I need to talk to you. I've really been struggling with trying to be healthy in both body and mind. I have a lot of issues with having unrealistic expectations for myself, I'm very down on myself, I've been eating less than 1000 calories a day and a good portion of those come from wine. I feel overwhelmed and I often share these feelings with the MFP community and they've urged me to eat more, seek help from a therapist, stop with the self loathing, and be more open with you and the kids about the goals I have for myself so that you can help me reach all of them, and be there for me when I slip."

You're saying his response would be "ok honey whatever as long as you're happy?"

I think you are misunderstanding what I'm suggesting you talk to him about. Not getting in shape or your step goal. The fact that you feel like this is your outlet to share your insecurities and not him, that you are struggling with disordered eating and negative views of yourself. That's what you need to share with him. Not, "I'm going to try to drink more water".

And honestly yes the answer I said he would give is what I would get. It might not be how he feels but it is what he would say. Then after that my life would be micro managed last thing I need is more stress. I will talk to him at a later date when I am ready. When I am already more confident. Right now it is sad to say but it would make things much harder.

If I knew you, I would tell him for you behind your back. I think it's THAT important that he knows. I'm deeply disturbed by your reluctance.

I'm sorry. Perhaps I will. It was not one of my goals this week and just thinking about it is stressing me out. I can hear the conversation now. Not good. Well i doubt I will see him before Friday so I guess I can relax a little bit for now

Rearrange your schedule. This is that important. Instead of dividing up this week, put on the calendar that when the kids are at hockey you need an hour with him. Go get coffee while the kids are at the rink and have this conversation with him. The fact that it's stressing you out indicates that he doesn't know how serious the situation is. If he did, I'm sure he would want to talk about it and would make time to do so.

WBB55 wrote: »

superhockeymom wrote: »

My husband is not as in the dark as I may have made him out to be. We simply do not really see each other often and he is not that kinda guy. Honestly he would be very like "ok that's good". and that would be the end of it.
It's not a bad thing it is just the way he is.
What will make my husband happy is if he see's me actually doing what he knows I want to do and that is get in shape.

From my perspective, and do with it what you will, your "problem" isn't that you are having difficulties getting into shape. I think everyone here is suggesting you tell him what the real problem is and how he can help.

I know I'm just a dime store psychoanalyst, but your "problem" is something else. I don't know you, so all I can do is guess what it is. Deeply ingrained self esteem issues, depression, addiction, anxiety... I don't know. But whatever your "real issue" is, he CAN help. The outcome may be the strength to "get in shape," but right now I'm not too sure your weight is the thing I'd worry about the most.

Agrees that the real problem is not simply to lose weight.

superhockeymom wrote: »

WinoGelato wrote: »

superhockeymom wrote: »

My husband is not as in the dark as I may have made him out to be. We simply do not really see each other often and he is not that kinda guy. Honestly he would be very like "ok that's good". and that would be the end of it.
It's not a bad thing it is just the way he is.
What will make my husband happy is if he see's me actually doing what he knows I want to do and that is get in shape.

So if you sat down with your husband and said, "honey, I need to talk to you. I've really been struggling with trying to be healthy in both body and mind. I have a lot of issues with having unrealistic expectations for myself, I'm very down on myself, I've been eating less than 1000 calories a day and a good portion of those come from wine. I feel overwhelmed and I often share these feelings with the MFP community and they've urged me to eat more, seek help from a therapist, stop with the self loathing, and be more open with you and the kids about the goals I have for myself so that you can help me reach all of them, and be there for me when I slip."

You're saying his response would be "ok honey whatever as long as you're happy?"

I think you are misunderstanding what I'm suggesting you talk to him about. Not getting in shape or your step goal. The fact that you feel like this is your outlet to share your insecurities and not him, that you are struggling with disordered eating and negative views of yourself. That's what you need to share with him. Not, "I'm going to try to drink more water".

And honestly yes the answer I said he would give is what I would get. It might not be how he feels but it is what he would say. Then after that my life would be micro managed last thing I need is more stress. I will talk to him at a later date when I am ready. When I am already more confident. Right now it is sad to say but it would make things much harder.

Hence couples therapy, so he can learn how to help rather than micro managing you.

Couples therapy oh no that would never ever ever happen. He is a great guy don't get me wrong but I am laughing at the thought.

How do I Get My Husband to Go to therapy with Me?

superhockeymom wrote: »

He is gone a lot mostly doing things he wants to do, we all play sports, I work full time he works crazy hours 2 jobs plus helps out some of the older neighbors yes the boys also have crazy schedules it's not something that I can change if I get an hour I have a thousand things to do in that hour. For us to have the same hour?
To answer the micro managing stuff he already thinks it's "stupid I don't eat" that it is not healthy. That I should always eat breakfast that I should work out more. That I should drink less wine that I should drink milk. ( I hate milk). So he does know. I just don't want him lecturing any more, gosh not everyone needs to eat 10 minutes after waking up.

He sounds like a jerk when I write it down but he is not. Just has a funny way of showing he cares that just can be very irritating

Actually, he doesn't sound like a jerk. He sounds very sensible the way you've described this. Regarding the milk, he's probably worried about your bones, even if that isn't how he's describing it. I wish he'd put things in ways other than it's "stupid." Maybe you should tell him that when he calls you stupid or something that you do/don't do is stupid, that that makes you feel bad about yourself and triggers disordered thoughts.

Ok, I've been "listening" to this conversation since it started. First I want to say that the Patti that's been on THIS thread is the Patti I was looking for. The honesty that you're giving us is breath-takingly wonderful and I for one, truly appreciate it. Second, I believe I may understand your reluctance to talk to your husband. If you aren't ready to do a sit-down with him and just the thought is causing you stress...let it go for now.

My opinion, and that's all it is, is that 1) Absolutely YES you can set realistic goals and work towards them, 2) that YES you will be successful and achieve said goals, and 3) that there is a lot more, deeper issues for you to work on.

Eliminating the alcohol will undoubtedly bring some things closer to the surface and dealing with them is scary. But until you actually deal with them, you will stay on the merry-go-round. I've gone to counseling. The thing that I learned that has helped me the most is this...the only way to stop the pain is to go thru it. You cannot go around it. You cannot go over it. You can only go thru it. Once you're through it, you've learned a lot and gained more strength to help you get thru the next one.

If you haven't already, ask your therapist to help you learn how to relax yourself in moments of deep stress. Most of the time it's just learning how to breathe. I have faith in you, I believe you can do this. And one more thing...that voice in your head that tells you that you're stupid...shut it down the second it starts. Scream at it. Call that voice all the mean names you can think of. Yell at it that it's a great big fat liar. Do NOT listen to it. Visualize yourself covering your ears and singing lalalalalala so that you can't hear what it's saying. It's a liar and you need to BELIEVE that it's lying.

I'm a little confused. You don't have an extra hour to take care of something so important as communicating to your husband, but if you add up all the time it takes for you to type out these posts, and write a blog etc?
And all the advice you're offered... you always seem to have a reason to disagree. The patience of these caring people astounds me. You're grow up right? How hard is it to drink a glass of water? Get glass, go to sink, pour water, drink water. Done.
I also see a LOT of contradictions in your posts and comments.
Just had to toss in my 2 cents. These posts are making ME want to drink my calories.

superhockeymom wrote: »

You are correct that was an edit. And you are correct that I normally set unattainable goals and see failure as the end. You are right and that was one reason that when it was suggested I net a higher calorie amount for the day I lowered it to 1200. I knew I would not get to the higher number at first, maybe in a week or 2, but for this week I needed to be realistic I need to be able to succeed and then move on. Not sure that makes sense to anyone I am good at explaining some things.

The bolded is where I see honesty and I see YOUR ability to see yourself as you are. I totally understand the mindset that failure is unacceptable. But perfection is an unattainable standard to set for ANYONE. Once you can allow yourself to be HUMAN (which is to say, non-perfect), I promise life gets easier. And I think making perfection the goal, is actually you trying to control things that you can't. At some point you're going to have to accept the truth of your humanity.

Absolutely agree about setting attainable goals. I couldn't even start when I thought about losing 60lbs.... My wine intake was way more than yours, hockey, so things just got worse and worse. I woke up one morning and decided to "not have any alcohol this week". That's all. Nothing about weight loss, and nothing about 'never'. I got to the end of the week and felt a genuine sense of achievement. I knew that I could repeat that week one more time .... three weeks and five pounds down, the wine thing had become normal, so I added another goal of doing three exercise sessions that week. Easy. Repeat. New lipstick as a 'reward', not a bottle of wine

Not saying that everyone is the same, but small, short-term goals are the go for me. Currently over 20 pounds down and going for 5lb targets ... still don't think about the rest.

Cliche, but try not to let perfect be the enemy of good!

MarcyKirkton wrote: »

Didn't your therapist suggest these threads weren't what you needed? I cannot imagine taking advice from, well......150 people on the internet. Today alone, you're being advised about everything under the sun, including marriage relationship. lol*

Next comes the anger from posters who are shocked, just shocked, that you didn't follow THEIR advice. The posts get pretty gruesome then. And then comes the posts defending the angry posts, cause everyone cares so much. And then comes the ....

Well, you get my point. I just wonder why the therapist's suggestion, which I thought was quite on the money, didn't convince you.

You have no idea of the backstory here, do you?

MarcyKirkton wrote: »

RGv2 wrote: »

You have no idea of the backstory here, do you?

Enough so that I read MANY posts suggesting professional help. Well, the professional suggested that this type of activity and feedback would be detrimental. So do people want her to listen to a professional.....

or not?

Not that I get a vote here, but I'm on the the professional's side.

Yes, everyone wants the OP to listen to their therapist/seek help.

Here's a little in, we've been down this same road, with this same OP, where the same people have tried to help them with the same advice the OP always says they're going to listen to and they don't.

You could find this exact same thread from a week ago, and a year ago. I remember getting sucked into two of them.