Fat and Jealious new year
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Oooh I can feel the sting of his words and your slap! Sorry that all this happened. He was a jerk but because you hit him, you became the bigger jerk in the situation. Always behave better than the other person. It usually works out better for you if you do.
You could have been arrested. Lucky.
I wouldn't drink for awhile. Alcohol makes it easy for people to do stupid things. You can still have fun drinking water or diet soda. Besides, the calories are more valuable if you eat them instead of drinking alcohol.
You could be down 50+ pounds by 12/31/2016. That's what I would focus on.
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OP--that guy was a jacka##. Let me repeat: that guy was a jacka## and he is the person in the scenario you described who caused the interaction to go south.
You and your friends do not have to politely accept unwanted attention--especially if its not been reciprocated and the dude continues to not take a hint. He lacks social skills if it got to the point that he had to be told to move on and did not pick up on any other social cues. Then for him to react to a direct indication that he should move on by insulting you? Jacka##.
You probably shouldn't have slapped him--but I understand your frustration and anger.
The idea that women MUST behave politely in the face of blatant rudeness from men is misogynistic and backwards. It's that attitude that causes women to hand out fake phone numbers rather than reject a man because it's the safer route. Men--please learn how to graciously accept rejection..that will solve a lot of problems.
OP--Im sorry this jacka## ruined your night out. I know I struggle with this and so many women do--but I think the key is to keep that feel-good, sassy, take-on-the-world feeling for yourself...not for anyone else. If it belongs to you because you belive it to be true, no jerk in a bar can take it from you.
Have a wonderful new year!!!!0 -
All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?0 -
I feel for you because you were hurt and humiliated. But the bottom line is, you physically assaulted someone! Unless your life, or someone else's life, is in danger, that's not ok.
You sound like a sensitive person, so put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if you were trying to talk to someone (maybe it took courage, maybe you were genuinely attracted to the person) and their friend "shooed" you away? Might you retaliate with a hurtful comment out of embarrassment?
None of us were there, so we can't really know what happened but even just from your side of things, it sounds like you might need to work on your social interactions. Lots of us need work in that area-don't feel bad about it, just learn from it and grow.
Ultimately, you will enjoy yourself way more if you think less about how you look/are perceived by others and more about how you can make others feel comfortable and good about themselves.0 -
Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar. How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.0 -
oyChihuahua wrote: »Have you consrdered ketosis?
OP, don't listen to this guy. Extreme low-carbing helps with dementia, or so I've heard, but it does nothing to suppress a violent temper. I used to have extreme anger management issues, but when I started to eat a diet of moderation, I was magically cured of all impulses to overreact in a bar. Moderation is the key to your problem.0 -
I think you need to think about whether or not he was right. I find, that when someone says something that really strikes me deep, it's because I believe they are right and I desperately don't want them to be. You probably do feel jealous that your friend is getting attention when you're not, and you probably do believe it's because you're fat. That's probably why you treated him the way that you did (shooing him away) and that probably hurt his feelings so he hurt yours. You can't really be angry for getting a retaliation after that, I think.
So to go on from there, I think you need to think about the vibration you're putting out there when you're meeting people. You seem to believe that you are a good person, and you probably are. If you want to attract a good person, you wouldn't do so by being so disrespectful as to shoo someone away like an irritating insect/animal. You would like to have your feelings respected, and you should respect others feelings in turn. Why did you feel like you needed to intervene on behalf of your friend? Be really honest with yourself about why you treated this stranger that way. What kind of energy are you putting into the world, if a flirtation with someone else turns into a physical altercation with you?
I think you need to think on it. Find remorse for your treatment of him and start to love yourself as you say you do. Really do it. If you really do it, and comments like that won't hurt because they won't be true.0 -
Erm you assaulted someone and you are not repentant???
Is that how you react to all slights and insults?
Granted the guy was out of line to insult you but there is no need for violence.0 -
oyChihuahua wrote: »Have you consrdered ketosis?
I heard it can increase your alcohol tolerance and make you produce more pheremones that attract the opposite sex, so it could definitely help OP.
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tincanonastring wrote: »oyChihuahua wrote: »Have you consrdered ketosis?
OP, don't listen to this guy. Extreme low-carbing helps with dementia, or so I've heard, but it does nothing to suppress a violent temper. I used to have extreme anger management issues, but when I started to eat a diet of moderation, I was magically cured of all impulses to overreact in a bar. Moderation is the key to your problem.
Moderation cured my explosive temper also.0 -
I am late to posting, but here are my words of advice:
First, it is okay to feel a little jealous sometimes of our bffs who are able to draw attention like bees to flowers. This is human nature, and if you have a belly button you are human. It is NOT okay to lash out against the bees, however.
Second, in a social setting (even a shallow, superficial one such as a "meat market" bar), being approachable and being yourself are not necessarily the same thing as flirting or playing "The GAME" unless that is your normal behavior. There is a whole range of personality that falls between "not flirting" and shutting down. Find your comfort range, so others can begin to see your awesome qualities.
Third, recognize your limitations. If alcohol fuels your negativity, then AVOID IT. Opt for cranberry juice and sparkling water, everyone will assume it is vodka and cranberry (a very popular cocktail). No one will think twice about it, and you can better avoid losing your cool.
Lastly, wishing to be the instigator of a public brawl on NYE is not a healthy mindset. You are on MFP seeking support and motivation for your physical health. Do not neglect to do the same for your emotional health too. Losing weight does not magically make all things better in life.
Best to you for a brave, healthy, fabulous 2016!0 -
You assault someone who wasn't even talking to you....your friend not have a mouth did you even ask if she was uncomfortable with his advances or were you so annoyed he wasn't flirting with you you decided to inflame the situation. ....you seriously need anger management and are so in the wrong place if you want a pat on the head for being violent..0
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sarahgrable wrote: »I am late to posting, but here are my words of advice:
First, it is okay to feel a little jealous sometimes of our bffs who are able to draw attention like bees to flowers. This is human nature, and if you have a belly button you are human. It is NOT okay to lash out against the bees, however.
Second, in a social setting (even a shallow, superficial one such as a "meat market" bar), being approachable and being yourself are not necessarily the same thing as flirting or playing "The GAME" unless that is your normal behavior. There is a whole range of personality that falls between "not flirting" and shutting down. Find your comfort range, so others can begin to see your awesome qualities.
Third, recognize your limitations. If alcohol fuels your negativity, then AVOID IT. Opt for cranberry juice and sparkling water, everyone will assume it is vodka and cranberry (a very popular cocktail). No one will think twice about it, and you can better avoid losing your cool.
Lastly, wishing to be the instigator of a public brawl on NYE is not a healthy mindset. You are on MFP seeking support and motivation for your physical health. Do not neglect to do the same for your emotional health too. Losing weight does not magically make all things better in life.
Best to you for a brave, healthy, fabulous 2016!
I like this post !
It sounds like this op was jealous. She mentioned not being talked to and mentioned not " playing the game " . it seems childish , but then add on the assault and it is just over the top ridiculous behavior.0 -
Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar. How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.
I didn't say people thought it was ok or agreed with it. I'm surprised that someone said they don't blame OP, to a couple that didn't even address the assault.
I wasn't there to know what the guy's manner was, I'm going off the unapologetic OP who wishes the confrontation degenerated into a brawl. And the people thinking it was understandable, lol.0 -
Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar. How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.
The only persons behaviour that we can control is our own....
Yes the guy should have got the hint, but we don't know what the friend had said to the guy in the first place. If she didn't like his advances she could have done something other than let her friend physically assault him.
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Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
Imagine the entire situation if the roles were reversed. I imagine that girl would be here talking about how offended she was at being shooed by some guys friend when she was brave enough to flirt. The whole thing makes me sad, tbh0 -
Point is, I doubt people would be as understanding if it was dude on here saying he slapped a girl at a bar, and wished it turned into a brawl. Can you imagine?0
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sarahgrable wrote: »
Second, in a social setting (even a shallow, superficial one such as a "meat market" bar), being approachable and being yourself are not necessarily the same thing as flirting or playing "The GAME" unless that is your normal behavior. There is a whole range of personality that falls between "not flirting" and shutting down. Find your comfort range, so others can begin to see your awesome qualities.
This is a good point. Just to add: you may want to re-evaluate your choice of hang outs. There are places in my (small) town that are primarily for hooking up, and places that are primarily for socializing. I think you'll find if you limit yourself to the letter that it's so much nicer to surround yourself with polite, respectful people. You will feel better and it will boost your confidence.
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I think this is quite culturally based. Where I live, if I said something as horrible as this to a Girl I would expect a slap (not that I would). Two wrongs don't make a right but the guy was a dickhead and his actions were most probably more painful to the OP than the OPs action to the bloke.0
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If I hit someone every time I was called fat, I would have a 59 yr prison sentence. There's better ways to deal with problems then resorting to violence.
we have all met those people who feel they need to intervene in all situations, they usually end up making fools of themselves like what happened here.
Her friend could've spoken up or could've been flirting back, we don't know because we where not there . but no matter how it played out between the friend and the guy ,it wasn't the ops place to shoo him away or hit him.
She shooed him away, but then got angry when he reacted to it ? Then decided to strike him. Smh! It is pretty clear to me why she was not flirted with , and it has nothing to do with looks or weight.
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Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
Alluminati - I'm not sure of your logic that not posting about her hitting this guy means supporting that action. To me, I didn't want to post something just repeating what everyone else had already said - what's the point of that if not adding something new to a thread? I chose to try to add something positive instead of joining the big pile-on on the OP as very often I see lots of negativity on MFP. The time stamp suggests she was still probably under the influence of alcohol at the time of posting - perhaps she has a different perspective today and is feeling sorry for her contributions to the exchange. Only she can say that. By the time I posted, numerous people had already told her she was wrong, she's lucky she wasn't arrested and she should seek counselling. The OP said herself that she was in tears about how hurt she was feeling. I opted for a little compassion and support instead of just telling her that she was in the wrong. That doesn't mean I think hitting someone is right, whether it is a male or female in the scenario.0 -
Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar. How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.
You have got to be kidding.
Assault is a crime. Arguing against it isn't saying she had to be docile in her response to him.
Use your words to retaliate and stand up in response. There's a whole empowered world of ways to handle a jerk in a bar that don't involve criminal, inappropriate actions.0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar. How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.
The only persons behaviour that we can control is our own....
Yes the guy should have got the hint, but we don't know what the friend had said to the guy in the first place. If she didn't like his advances she could have done something other than let her friend physically assault him.
Agreed--we can only control our own reactions.
But, let's not give this guy a pass. I do have expectations for the behavior of people around me--having those expectations is a pillar of healthy self respect. It's okay to be outraged at crappy behavior. Not okay to hit--but we should acknowledge that it wasn't unprovoked.
I think if we get in the habit of identifying and calling out poor behavior like this man's, we get one step closer to making men like him think twice about how they behave. Just continually repeating "we can't control his behavior" isn't helpful. We can't control it, but we can call it what it is--jacka## behavior.
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The bolded are not mutually exclusive options.Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
Alluminati - I'm not sure of your logic that not posting about her hitting this guy means supporting that action. To me, I didn't want to post something just repeating what everyone else had already said - what's the point of that if not adding something new to a thread? I chose to try to add something positive instead of joining the big pile-on on the OP as very often I see lots of negativity on MFP. The time stamp suggests she was still probably under the influence of alcohol at the time of posting - perhaps she has a different perspective today and is feeling sorry for her contributions to the exchange. Only she can say that. By the time I posted, numerous people had already told her she was wrong, she's lucky she wasn't arrested and she should seek counselling. The OP said herself that she was in tears about how hurt she was feeling. I opted for a little compassion and support instead of just telling her that she was in the wrong. That doesn't mean I think hitting someone is right, whether it is a male or female in the scenario.
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I think this is quite culturally based. Where I live, if I said something as horrible as this to a Girl I would expect a slap (not that I would). Two wrongs don't make a right but the guy was a dickhead and his actions were most probably more painful to the OP than the OPs action to the bloke.
Eeeeerm, no..... Hitting people isn't something that's culturally acceptable in the uk, and whether she hurt him or not isn't really the point.0 -
Don't watch the Jerry Springer show - that's not real life.
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No, not mutually exclusive, but I do have free choice. I chose to start 2016 by posting something supportive to someone who was obviously hurting. Period. Happy new year to you, senecarr.
The bolded are not mutually exclusive options.Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
Alluminati - I'm not sure of your logic that not posting about her hitting this guy means supporting that action. To me, I didn't want to post something just repeating what everyone else had already said - what's the point of that if not adding something new to a thread? I chose to try to add something positive instead of joining the big pile-on on the OP as very often I see lots of negativity on MFP. The time stamp suggests she was still probably under the influence of alcohol at the time of posting - perhaps she has a different perspective today and is feeling sorry for her contributions to the exchange. Only she can say that. By the time I posted, numerous people had already told her she was wrong, she's lucky she wasn't arrested and she should seek counselling. The OP said herself that she was in tears about how hurt she was feeling. I opted for a little compassion and support instead of just telling her that she was in the wrong. That doesn't mean I think hitting someone is right, whether it is a male or female in the scenario.0 -
Alluminati wrote: »All these people saying they understand why she reacted and hit him, to the ones not even ADDRESSING the fact that she physically assaulted someone....I'm curious:
Would this have been okay if a male did this to a female in the same scenario?
Alluminati - I'm not sure of your logic that not posting about her hitting this guy means supporting that action. To me, I didn't want to post something just repeating what everyone else had already said - what's the point of that if not adding something new to a thread? I chose to try to add something positive instead of joining the big pile-on on the OP as very often I see lots of negativity on MFP. The time stamp suggests she was still probably under the influence of alcohol at the time of posting - perhaps she has a different perspective today and is feeling sorry for her contributions to the exchange. Only she can say that. By the time I posted, numerous people had already told her she was wrong, she's lucky she wasn't arrested and she should seek counselling. The OP said herself that she was in tears about how hurt she was feeling. I opted for a little compassion and support instead of just telling her that she was in the wrong. That doesn't mean I think hitting someone is right, whether it is a male or female in the scenario.
I'm not sure of the logic upthread that everyone is dogpiling and not offering support because they condemned the fact that she broke the law and was unapologetic.0 -
But do you think this guy would've called her fat and jealous if she didn't shoo him away and mouth the words " she's not interested "
I think there is a great chance this guy wouldn't have said those hurtful words if she hadn't shooed him away. That wasn't her place nor was it even her business . he probably didn't even know she existed until she shooed him away. So IMO, she provoked his words. Yes he was rude, but so was she.
This guy could've been hurt by her shooing him away. Maybe it took all the courage he had to flirt with her friend and the shooing away hurt his feelings.
We don't know what really happened because we where not there. But it seems that this op went into a bar expecting to be spoken to, and wasn't. Didn't think she should have to approach men but expected them to acknowledge her, and then decided to intervene in a situation that wasn't her business , and then struck a person .
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I haven't read anyone say she did the right thing. But why is all the outrage reserved for the REACTION to the poor behavior of the guy? I see it over and over again. Women are expected to fold their hands in their lap and say please stop endlessly when men come on strongly, over the top and after having already been asked to stop. Just because the guy is not physically attacking there is no justification for reaction?
The problem is that this guy has never learned that there is an appropriate time to back off when a woman is not reciprocating interest--leaving the OP in a situation where she has to become direct and forceful.
Don't hit. Don't react. Leave the building. Go to a different bar.
How about putting the onus on this man to conduct himself appropriately.
Agreed.
Having been in the situation where guys DO continue to harass, even after verbal refusal, I have been known to throw the odd slap (however I am pretty loud and rather vicious verbally so it seldom comes to that). I understand you are angry but in hindsight I am sure you don't actually want to have a brawl - we all like our teeth far too much for that.
People who suggest you should have let your friend deal with it, or have taken yourselves elsewhere or don't visit bars - I don't see why should women be intimidated like that.
I have been in places where friends (who are generally quieter, smaller and less assertive than me) have been followed around all night by guys who won't leave them alone. Which is why I have sometimes stepped in.
OP, if you were thinner he would have just said you were a "lesbian/virgin/ugly and jealous". He was just saying the first insult he could.
A better, non physical response probably would have been your most scornful look and loudly saying in your most sarcastic voice (even better if people around you turn and look) "OH YES, I"M SO JEALOUS I AM NOT BEING HIT ON BY A CREEP".
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