helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole

Taking about it and doing it are two different things. When she started talking about it, was is on her own or did you bring up the topic? It sounds like she needs to work on her self esteem before she works on whats on the outside. You said she was large when you married her, so NO it's not fair at all to try to make her lose weight, it's like marrying a smoker and hoping they will quit cause they keep talking about it and when they don't you get pissed off. You can only control what you do, what you can do is simply tell her, you are here to help. But she needs to stop talking about it, you won't listen to it anymore, but when she is truly ready and starts showing effort you will help and leave it at that. I am sure your whole relationship was not based on her weight. Marriage is something you need to continue to work on. If you still love her and want to be there for her, show her. Start doing things you both enjoy, going for a nice walk, going to the movies etc. If you no longer love her and don't want to be with her anymore than end it. Congrats on all your hard work, this is a personal journey. Yes it's nice when your partner does it with you, but they don't have to if they don't want to. I wish you best and hope your marriage improves.

I'm not sure what everyone has said since there are way to many posts to reading them all. I apologize if I am just repeating. I will say that you can not motivate someone to do it. Motivation is an internal thing. You can encourage and support but not motivate. There is a reason why she keeps saying she going to loose weight and never does. Until you figure out that issue and fix it, well shes never going to do it. You said she has anxiety and depression; that;s probably the root of the problem. I know you said many dr suggested she try exercise but have they actually put a plan into place for her? It one thing to tell her to do something and another to actually help her do it. Have they put a plan into place where she can discuss her feelings with a professional? A program where she can learn steps to over come her issues with her anxiety and depression? A plan to see a dietitian or a personal trainer? Most of all has she been recommended to any support groups for her anxiety and depression? Did they put a plan together for you? It's just as important for you to understand depression and anxiety disorders. It just as important that you learn how to deal with living with someone who has these disorders and have someone to talk to about it. Honestly until these underlining issues of anxiety and depression is fixed or at least in the process of being worked on, shes probably not going to be interested or motivated to exercise. Her bad eating habits is probably a coping mechanism for the feelings she has.

You also said your words are not always so "nice"...well not being "nice" is going to discourage her more and cause more resentment. You also mentioned her not packing her self a lunch is an issue for you. Have you tried doing it for her? Maybe cook her nice healthy meals as a "date night" for you too? Pack her a nice health lunch when you pack yours. Kind of turn it more into a "just because I love you" thing instead of "you better get healthy" thing. She might be more willing to accept your help that way.

If she isn't interested in working out with you, then I suggest encouraging her to workout alone or with someone else. She might be too intimidated to work out with you. It might discourage her because you are so fit and you are putting pressure onto her. Your routine might also be way out of her league. So if you opt to workout with her, remember to work at her level and not yours. I don't just mean weight, reps or time wise. You might be in shape to do 50 exercises during one workout day while she might be able to do 5. Better yet try an activity she likes to do instead of ones you do. Is there any you can cover up the workout aspects? How about instead of saying lets go to the gym to run or run around the pond, how about saying lets take a romantic stroll around the park. Walking holding hands might be the only amount of exercise she can tolerate at the moment. You have to remember the amount of exercise you think she should be doing might not be realistic for her to do. Walking a lap or two around that pond might be all that she can tolerate. If she sticks with it, her cardio endurance and leg muscles will build up so she can walk another lap as time goes on. Lots of times I started the gym, someone would throw me into a program that was way out of my league. I would get discouraged because I couldn't keep up or do have the moves. She might feel this way.

I would also point out you said she coughs a lot. Has she seen a dr about this? I recently started another attempt at the gym. I've tried in the past and always hated it because I couldn't stand the coughing and having trouble breathing. This time someone I know is putting a program together for me. She is a fitness instructor and a registered nurse. She quickly noticed that I have exercised endued asthma. The cold weather or changes in temp causes me to have issues with it as well; really any stress on my lungs cause me to cough. I always thought it was normal to have breathing problems or coughing fits because I was over weight. I thought my weight was the issue but it turns out it is not fully the issue; mind you my over weight and poor cardiovascular health does play a part. I was told exercise and cardiovascular wise I would progress slower then the friend who works out with me. Unlike my friend I have two things fighting against me. One, my body isn't use to exercising so my muscles have been oxygen deprived. My body has to get use to sending the proper amount of oxygenated blood down to my feet and back up to my heart. Two my lungs do not work as efficiently as non asthmatics do. My lungs start to close over and have to fight to stay open so I draw in less oxygen. So now my body needs to learn how to keep my lungs open and bring in the proper amount of oxygen that I need for exercise. Since I lack proper amounts of oxygen, I get tired a lot faster then my friend. My body really needs to learn how to adjust two these two things. Now that I have a puffer, I can actually start to breath better instead of coughing and wheezing 5mins in. My improved breathing has made me breath so much better and lets me enjoy working out more then I use to. If she has this as well, she really needs a puffer and you need to remember that she isn't going to progress as fast as you would expect. It doesn't mean she can't workout. She needs help with breathing and its going to take her longer to progress to the same level because she doesn't tolerate activity as well.

Mistraal1981 wrote: »

Not really on topic, but to the people saying marriage is hard... I have to disagree. A marriage will have a few hard times, but overall your overarching opinion of it should be that it brings you joy and comfort and security. If your automatic response is "it's hard" I think you are doing it wrong.

I 100% agree with you.

WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »

her social anxiety won't allow her to go to a gym. I honestly don't see where MFP will work if she doesn't do her WW points. while i agree in theory that counting calories together could work, i foresee it turning into me "judging" or controlling her when i suggest we log in.

My husband is a different scenario - he will randomly get obsessed with losing weight and start starving himself and overexercising outside until he makes himself sick. It worries me to no end.

He will not go to the gym with me because he's self conscious, so aside from those spikes of exercise obsession he doesn't exercise... So I bought "us" an elliptical for the house (under $200). And now he exercises regularly and more reasonably.

He hates logging, and I've tried to tell him that losing slowly over time is better, but he always wants results quick before an event or vacation. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes recently (yay, hormones! ) so we have started eating in pretty exclusively (my gestational diabetes is diet controlled), within my carb allowance for each meal. He will have a few more snacks, but even then he has lost 12 pounds from diet alone the past month. Maybe cooking healthy meals for you two would help?

I feel like making it about changing your daily routine and making it easier for her to exercise at home would help.

I'm basically your wife. I'm on and off MFP, on and off diet/exercise fads, gaining/losing small amounts of weight, and I have a insecurities about my body. And I have this great fiance, who is also trying to lose weight. It sucks, and whenever my fiance tries to make a helpful suggestion, it just aggravates me. I would suggest you take charge of the food in the house. Cook, buy groceries, etc. Make it easy to eat healthy. I work crazy hours this week so today I'm cooking as much as I can. Go for walks together; not super arduous hikes, but a walk around the neighborhood. Walking and talking with my fiance doesn't feel like exercise, just a nice way to spend time together outside the apartment.

I think positive reinforcement is the best option. And help her cook or plan healthy meals. Do healthy stuff together.
Go on walks with her. Tell her she looks pretty. Encourage her. Give her affection. She might just need love and motivation. Get her some new workout clothes. Remind her how good it will feel after she does physical activity.
My advice is be positive, it's a lifestyle change.
Eat healthy fresh foods together.