not married

135

Replies

  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
    Men are adolescents until about 26, girls mature earlier. I saw my step-daughter wait around for a long time for her boyfriend to pop the question. The reality is he is still too immature and she should have realised he is never going to be able to man-up for her.

    I married a man who was the same maturity level as me (I was 22 her was 30), I grew up, he didn't. So maybe it is not possible to see at the moment whether this man is going to grow up to be what you need? You have been together for a long time, but you are both still young.

    GG
  • AtticusFinch
    AtticusFinch Posts: 1,262 Member
    we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

    So think how you'd feel after even 5 years of marriage - if your man isn't thoughtful and romantic now, he's not going to change on the road to Damascus. Don't think timetables, that has disaster written all over it. It has to be a mutual 'want' however, so if you really want, and he's feeling pressurised or uncertain - you need to rethink your relationship. On the evidence you've presented so far, (scant and one sided), it looks like you're probably unsuited.
  • zorbaru
    zorbaru Posts: 1,077 Member
    you need to ask yourself is the fact that you dont have a little piece of paper saying that he is commited to you reason enough to leave him.

    are there other issues in the relationship or is it just the fact that he hasnt proposed.

    what if he told you that he is 100% committed to you and your relationship but is against the idea of having to spend 20k on a single day to prove it to everyone.

    i understand that a lot of girls want to get married, but why should that be the reason for ending an other wise good relationship?
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    you need to ask yourself is the fact that you dont have a little piece of paper saying that he is commited to you reason enough to leave him.

    are there other issues in the relationship or is it just the fact that he hasnt proposed.

    what if he told you that he is 100% committed to you and your relationship but is against the idea of having to spend 20k on a single day to prove it to everyone.

    i understand that a lot of girls want to get married, but why should that be the reason for ending an other wise good relationship?

    i can elope
  • MiNiMoNkI
    MiNiMoNkI Posts: 447 Member
    My partner and i have been together 13 years, have a 9 year old son, we share everything! were not married, its not for everyone. my opinion "if it aint broke, dont fix it"
  • Mom2rh
    Mom2rh Posts: 612 Member
    Why do you want to marry HIM?

    If his "only goal" is to buy a house (red flag, red flag, red flag) what is he doing to make that happen?

    If that is his only goal...you are setting yourself up for a life of being the leader in this relationship. You will be responsible for everything. May not seem that bad now, but I wager you'll get sick of it.

    In my opinion, I think you should focus on getting out on your own. Moving in with some friends. Learning to be independent.

    Good luck.
  • MsEmmy
    MsEmmy Posts: 254 Member
    It does sound like he isn't ready to grow up yet, and I also think that 25 is pretty young to be getting married even if you have been together for 6 years. What would marriage change? Why do you want to be married - is it just because you feel foolish that you've been together a while and people expect it? Don't let anyone else's expectations and time frames influence you.would say you both need to live on your own, away from your parents for a while and get to know yourselves. You may find that as you pursue your goals an even bigger gap emerges between you. If you have career aspirations, how is someone who lacks ambition going to fit into that? If you are having to make all the decisions and provide, then you will find yourself resenting him, as someone else said. And it is a bit suspicious that he wants to buy a house but not rent....so he'll get a 25 yr mortgage with you, but not get married? Bit odd!

    Better you take time now to make the right choice than pressure him, rush into something and end up divorced by 30 with a couple of kids. That's not fair on anyone. I've been with my husband for 12 years but only married for 5 of those - marriage wasn't really a goal for either of us, providing a home and stable family life for our kids was. Finding the right person should be the goal, with marriage the icing on the cake if you are into it.

    A word of caution - my brother was with his girlfriend from age 17 until they got married in their thirties. She reacted very badly to being married and the marriage ended after less than 12 months.....it's not for everyone.

    At the end of the day....do you love him and does he love you so much that you couldn't imagine being with anyone else?
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
    Don't get sucked into believing he's the only person you can love or can love you. There are millions of fish in the sea.

    :( thats such a sad way of looking at love, and the sort of thing someone wouldnt say if they had met the one for them :(

    What an absurd assumption! I am very happily married to a wonderful man that I adore. I also know from previous experience that I have loved a lot of the wrong people.

    I'm glad you believe in this "one" stuff, but my belief is that marriage is something that has to involve more than just a deep love. It has to involve compatibility and respect for the other partner as well. You shouldn't assume that just because someone feels like I do that marriage has to be practical as well as emotional that they are sad or pitiful. Not even remotely the case.

    I spent a decade of my life "in love" with men I believed were "the one" and wasted a lot of time and energy. Marriage isn't always some whirlwind romance. Sometimes it's more down to earth, and I am blissfully happy for that.

    Flighty wildly romantic notions of love are why a lot of women end up staying with a man who isn't right for them for far too long.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    People who believe marriage is just "a piece of paper" really should not be giving relationship advice.
  • LilMissDotti
    LilMissDotti Posts: 8
    You didn't say if it was a good realtionship otherwise. If the only thing wrong with the relationship is that he hasn't asked you to marry him, why fix what isn't broken? If that's your only complaint, then you need to ask yourself why you want to get married and if it is worth losing a healthy,loving, supportive relationship over this.

    I absolutely agree with this.

    I also think being able to communicate effectively - ie have rational discussions about what you both want from the relationship without resorting to ultimatums and without you feeling like you are 'pressuring' him into doing something he doesn't want to are pretty important aspects of a good marriage. When you think about it, this is probably one of the least significant problems you are going to face in a lifetime of marriage, kids etc that you have planned.
  • TS65
    TS65 Posts: 1,024 Member
    Other than the waiting 6.5 years, I see some huge red flags here (even if you were to end up married).

    1. You are motivated, he is not (do you want to be the main support or do you want a partner in life?)

    2. Your goals are not similar - you're a hard hitter, he's hanging out with his single buddies smoking pot (ever heard the saying, birds of a feather flock together?.

    3. You're 25 (and have been with him your whole adult life) - you haven't had the experience of dating someone motivated in their own right. There's a lot out there to experience before you settle down - have you experienced any of it/them?

    4. It seems you are so focused on him asking you to marry you, you don't seem to realize you have to walk back down the aisle and out of the church. Then what?

    5. When I met my husband, I knew it was right. It didn't take 6 years to figure it out. The saying is true - when it's right, you'll know. If you don't know and have to ask... move on.

    6. 25 is REALLY young to get married. When "til death do us part" was devised, the average life expectancy was like 35 or something. You say "I do" now...you better mean it - 60 YEARS is a LONG (&*#($&* TIME! :wink: (I didn't get married until I was 37 and it was really disheartening, BUT... once I met my hubby, I realized I would have been divorced if I had married any of my ex's... Kind of an eye-opening experience that hindsight 20/20 stuff.)

    Good luck, but remember this - if you end up leaving, you are just choosing a new path. It's not the end of the world (even if it feels like it). You've worked hard to get where you are, don't let someone else stand in your way. Onward and upward.
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    People who believe marriage is just "a piece of paper" really should not be giving relationship advice.
    thank you lol! i really feel marriage is about growth. we aren't growing anymore, we both live separetly with our parents, we both have part time on call jobs. we both don't (although i've expressed recently that I have changed my mind) want to rent. there is nothing more to learn from weekend stays at his place, hours spent watching movies or playing video games, going out for wing nights. i want to live with him, but at this point, i think a really great precursor (because I KNOW we would get along day in and day out) would be to getting engaged, and actually wanting to do anything to just be with each other, not waiting around till i can afford a ****ing house. so not happening.
  • Jenny56dreams
    Jenny56dreams Posts: 147 Member
    OOOOOOOMMMMMGGGG! I'm going through the exact same thing! It's been 5 and a half years for me and the only difference is we already live together and have 2 children. He's a wonderful family man but I want to be married to him. It's hard when I have to take care of our accounts or bills or whatever and I get asked "and what relation do you have to him?" I have to say "girlfriend" and from that point on I'm one big joke. Ugh. I sat him down just yesterday and I simply told him "I love you with all of my heart but if one day you see that I have up and left please don't think I love you less, it's just at that point I will have known that you are never going to proceed to that next step and that's something I want in my life" Good luck to you and I hope that both of you get what you want. :flowerforyou:
  • MsEmmy
    MsEmmy Posts: 254 Member
    People who believe marriage is just "a piece of paper" really should not be giving relationship advice.
    thank you lol! i really feel marriage is about growth. we aren't growing anymore, we both live separetly with our parents, we both have part time on call jobs. we both don't (although i've expressed recently that I have changed my mind) want to rent. there is nothing more to learn from weekend stays at his place, hours spent watching movies or playing video games, going out for wing nights. i want to live with him, but at this point, i think a really great precursor (because I KNOW we would get along day in and day out) would be to getting engaged, and actually wanting to do anything to just be with each other, not waiting around till i can afford a ****ing house. so not happening.

    I just think that you need to experience living on your own before you move in together. Forever is a very long time. I also think you are in a zone where you are ready to grow and he is not - and that will be where the conflict lies in the future. You will be the grown-up, whereas to him you will be a substitute mother and will be doing everything for him. You can't marry him until he's grown up, and he needs space to do that or he will resent you and you will resent him. Perhaps tell him that you are ready to move out of your parents and in with a roommate. Not an ultimatum, but it might make him realise that he is being left behind and make him make a decision.
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    People who believe marriage is just "a piece of paper" really should not be giving relationship advice.
    thank you lol! i really feel marriage is about growth. we aren't growing anymore, we both live separetly with our parents, we both have part time on call jobs. we both don't (although i've expressed recently that I have changed my mind) want to rent. there is nothing more to learn from weekend stays at his place, hours spent watching movies or playing video games, going out for wing nights. i want to live with him, but at this point, i think a really great precursor (because I KNOW we would get along day in and day out) would be to getting engaged, and actually wanting to do anything to just be with each other, not waiting around till i can afford a ****ing house. so not happening.

    I just think that you need to experience living on your own before you move in together. Forever is a very long time. I also think you are in a zone where you are ready to grow and he is not - and that will be where the conflict lies in the future. You will be the grown-up, whereas to him you will be a substitute mother and will be doing everything for him. You can't marry him until he's grown up, and he needs space to do that or he will resent you and you will resent him. Perhaps tell him that you are ready to move out of your parents and in with a roommate. Not an ultimatum, but it might make him realise that he is being left behind and make him make a decision.


    this is solid and makes me feel a little bit more motivated. this whole issue has been weighing me down and making me feel like i have no goals since they are things out of my control. i just need that fulltime job...
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    I am so frustrated and just wanted to rant to those who have supported me (mfp) instead of all the people in my real life who just don't get it.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a HALF years. In that time I have finished my college diploma in social services, and I just graduated from a 4 year honours BA in psych. I am so goal oriented. I have always had an end game in mind for whatever it was that I was trying to accomplish. I knew that after my BA that I wanted to just work for a couple of years, full time, and you know, get married.

    Not only has he never proposed, he knows I want to get married. I sat him down in the food court at the mall a few months ago because I am tired of being ****ed around. And I told him, I want kids, I want a family and if he wasn't in that game then we need to split. I also told him that when I was ready to be engaged, that I would get engaged.

    I am not proposing to him. I have worked really hard at so many things in my life, and for once I want to depend on someone that I love to do something for me.

    I am ready to be engaged. but 6 and a half years is even hard to consider leaving.

    am I being totally irrational here. I feel like a fish that is too big for her bowl. i am so frustrated. All my friends and family say "when are you getting married?", but I have a feeling no one has even asked him...as if I can just marry myself. ugh.....I am stirring and livid!!!!

    This is one of those instances where a compromise does not apply.

    If you force the issue and he marries you even though he doesn't want to, because he doesn't want to lose you, it will eventually fail.

    If you settle for a commitment that is less than you want, it will also fail eventually.

    You're in a bad place. I would suggest moving on and seeking out someone with the same goals and values as yourself. I don't expect you to follow that advice. Not many people would. It'll make better sense after you go through a little more advanced turmoil. Part of growing up, I guess.

    Sorry.
  • SeasideOasis
    SeasideOasis Posts: 1,057 Member
    What is it about 'marriage' that makes you want it so bad? Is it the wedding day? Is it a ring? Is it the 'title' or being a wife and not a girlfriend?

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We love each other very much. However, he is 35 (I am 25), he has never been engaged, only lived with a girl once (not counting that I've 'sort of' moved in...), and he has no major want to get married. He knows he might do it someday, but its not on the list of proprieties.

    WE ALWAYS get the 'so whens the big day' question. I HATE this question because it makes me feel awkward. I wish people didn't say to him ,"So Man, you're up there in age. When are you settling down?" I feel like it makes him annoyed about it in general.

    We have talked about it, as it gets brought up ALL the time, but I personally don't see the benefits of getting married. I can still buy a house with my boyfriend. I can still have children (we don't want any, but we could). We can have each other life insurance policies etc in one anothers name.

    So what are we gaining by getting married? A little piece of paper that I can make on photo shop. A wedding that will probably put us into debt. And a title.

    His sister? Shes been with her man for almost nine years (the guy has tried), they own a house together. They are everything you expect to see with a married couple. However, there is no rushing for them.

    Its just something to keep in mind.
  • Jenscan
    Jenscan Posts: 694 Member
    Yeah, I am wondering why you want to be married so much too - is it another goal to cross off your list? I don't mean to sound harsh, but you seem very goal-driven and perhaps you're so focused on marrying this guy because you've had the goal to do so; not because you want to get married to HIM. You want to control the situation and you can't. That's probably not a good reason to get married.

    I can tell you this: if you end up married, he will resent it if he doesn't want to. Based on what you've told us here, you take charge of things. So I imagine that he'll resign from the marriage pretty much right away and continue his life exactly as it is today. You will be in charge of everything, every day. You'll basically run your life and his. Think all shopping, all cooking, cleaning, finances... everything. Do you really want to do that for two people?
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    To those that question loathesome's motivation to get married -- Doesn't matter. It's her wishes, ideals, whatever. I personally feel the same way. I love being married. I love being in a committed relationship with a person that shares the same goals and motiviations. It's a personal choice.

    Her choice is not the issue here anyway. What is at issue is two people with different views on how their relationship should move forward.

    To loathesome -- I don't believe anyone should ever compromise their beliefs. I don't believe you are going to get the magic answer you want. You already know the answer anyways. You are just finding it hard to implement the solution.

    Truth is there are millions of guys out there willing to make the same commitments as you; you just can't see them right now because the guy in your life is blocking your view.
  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
    perhaps you're so focused on marrying this guy because you've had the goal to do so; not because you want to get married to HIM.

    this is how i read it too.

    Theres nothing wrong with seeing yourself married in the future and wanting to work towards that goal, and i can see how frustrating it must be if you both want two different things, but for a marriage to work, it needs to be to the right person, that you cant imagine living life without. Not just the next step in any old relationship that you could possibly find with any nice enough guy. If you do that and hes not absolutely mr right, youre selling yourself short, and youre giving up the chance to know real happiness.

    I think marriage is a wonderful thing when two people really truly love each other and are compatible. Its not just the next stage to perk up a relationship that youre already wondering if its actually going somewhere.
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    To those that question loathesome's motivation to get married -- Doesn't matter. It's her wishes, ideals, whatever. I personally feel the same way. I love being married. I love being in a committed relationship with a person that shares the same goals and motiviations. It's a personal choice.

    Her choice is not the issue here anyway. What is at issue is two people with different views on how their relationship should move forward.

    To loathesome -- I don't believe anyone should ever compromise their beliefs. I don't believe you are going to get the magic answer you want. You already know the answer anyways. You are just finding it hard to implement the solution.

    Truth is there are millions of guys out there willing to make the same commitments as you; you just can't see them right now because the guy in your life is blocking your view.

    I was just venting, I don't need a magic answer...athough that might be nice lol

    the responses were really great at first, then people started making up their own details, like it just being a piece of paper or just a goal

    yes, it is a goal of mine, but i never planned it that way

    if i get into another relationship, is my goal to get married? eventually, but i would just be dating people for the fun of dating.

    six and a half years people! so many people are writing "i've been with this guy for 1.5 years and we get the same thing", no, i guarantee you don't! 6 and a half years of ME getting bothered to settle down...because people in my life know me. they know that i am capable of starting a family. it isn't just a piece of paper, it's growth!

    cynics

    lol
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    . Its not just the next stage to perk up a relationship that youre already wondering if its actually going somewhere.




    actually it really is the next stage.

    he doesn't want to rent.

    i won't buy a house.

    and i am not gonna be some single mother. kudos to single moms, but i want a husband, i want kids, i want security and assurance.

    i want to build goals with him. not by myself.

    that doesn't mean i'm going to do all the cooking and cleaning and everything, like somebody else said. just because i know what i want out of life doesn't mean he needs a mom. lol
  • osmoticferocity
    osmoticferocity Posts: 23
    It's time for a crazy sitcom plan! Select a date, pick out invitations, and start filling them out. Ask him who he's inviting. Insist he proposed while drunk!

    Okay, that's not actually a good plan.
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    It's time for a crazy sitcom plan! Select a date, pick out invitations, and start filling them out. Ask him who he's inviting. Insist he proposed while drunk!

    Okay, that's not actually a good plan.

    i like it
  • bmw4deb
    bmw4deb Posts: 1,324 Member
    Sounds like your growing up and apart,
    I think you know the answer your looking for,
    Your just trying to rationalize your feelings
    trust me your 25 get on with your life before
    you know it you will be 40.
    I speak from experience.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
    There are a lot of folks here with a very odd view of marriage.

    Loathesome- ultimately it is your decision. Don‘t let people who are not married make you feel like you are wrong to want it or disrort your vision for your goals in life. To be married is a choice that is deeply personal. The great thing about life is that you can make it what you want if you try.

    The man you choose to marry should have similar goals, be able to emotionally support you and visa versa, be responsible and mature about communication, and he should be someone you love and respect immensely. I don‘t care if certain other people think this mindset is cold or not. It takes all of this plus dedication to make a marriage last. Marriage is not a "living arrangement" or a "piece of paper." It also is not some happily ever after Cinderellla fantasy. It is a livelong commitment, and with the right person, it is the most wonderful joy. It takes work, and there are great times and bad along the way. Find someone who will share that journey with you and someone you can share that journey with too.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with your desire to have that in your life. I had the priviledge of seeing my grandparents celebrate their 47th anniversary yesterday. It really made me realize what it is all about. They have something more than just love and romance. It is a much deeper love that I think only comes from sharing an entire life together. I hope to share that with my hubby someday, and I hope you do too.
  • ericjr7210
    ericjr7210 Posts: 40 Member
    maybe he is waiting for the right time... If he did not want to marry you he would not go Ring shopping... he would just push it off... Maybe it is a financial thng, he wants to get you the ring that is just right for you.... you have set the line, now just be ready for the answer... hopefully it will work out for the best...
  • Funnybunnyboo
    Funnybunnyboo Posts: 87
    well,was with mine for 29 years....., when his ex wife died, i took on his teen age children. i covered for him when he was on tour, with gigs(he is a musician)brought them up, took the abuse i recieved from them, as their father really showed me no respect, and took the mickey out of me all the time, reducing my confidence, and making me feel insignificant. it took me another year to realise he had bee screwing around, and after 29 years i finally broke free from the emotional trauma of living in an abusive relationship!
    i am still insecure, amd still unhappy with how i look, and feel insignificant most of the time....BUT, i know now, he would never marryme, i missed the chance to have children, as i needed ivf to concieve, and he would not have let me.
    so, in answer to your question...find a guy that wants you, and wants what you want..cos you are to young to waste 29 years of your life like i did!!
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
    well,was with mine for 29 years....., when his ex wife died, i took on his teen age children. i covered for him when he was on tour, with gigs(he is a musician)brought them up, took the abuse i recieved from them, as their father really showed me no respect, and took the mickey out of me all the time, reducing my confidence, and making me feel insignificant. it took me another year to realise he had bee screwing around, and after 29 years i finally broke free from the emotional trauma of living in an abusive relationship!
    i am still insecure, amd still unhappy with how i look, and feel insignificant most of the time....BUT, i know now, he would never marryme, i missed the chance to have children, as i needed ivf to concieve, and he would not have let me.
    so, in answer to your question...find a guy that wants you, and wants what you want..cos you are to young to waste 29 years of your life like i did!!

    *hugs* I wish you all the best :)
  • DianaPowerUp
    DianaPowerUp Posts: 518 Member
    For whatever it's worth, I think Elizabeth_C34 has some great advice and incredible insight. I would re-read her posts.

    As for my 2 cents: I don't think either one of you is ready to get married right now. It sounds like you are looking for some stability, and the next step in your life to be completed, and since you have been with your bf for 6.5 yrs, "it's time".

    He, certaintly, is not ready to get married yet, and if you coerce him somehow, he will resent you for the rest of your lives. Even if he says he's ready, he's not. He's still a child, living at home, hanging out with potheads. And you want to settle down, but you don't have a secure job, and are uncertain about what your future will bring.

    I know you're getting it from so many directions, but I would say WAIT on marriage - to him, to anyone. Maybe if he isn't showing you the level of commitment you'd like, and you are concerned about where you two are headed, you should take a rest from it for a while. Let him grow up. Let you explore life - get a job, find some new friends, enjoy your 20s. If he snaps out of his little boy phase, and you are still pining over him, and he is you, you two will come back together, but as mature adults, who are BOTH ready and eager to start that next chapter in life.

    Marriage in hard, even under the best of circumstances, and to live with someone for yrs and yrs and wish that you didn't, is a stage of Dante's Inferno. I know you've been with him for a long time, but now is not the time, imho.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories