not married

its not the ring i want. it is the commitment. he wants to buy a house with me, but not rent an apartment. why on earth would i do that for someone that can't even tell me they want to be with me the rest of my life. after 6 years i just feel like you should know. and Ive been with him day in and day out so know how it would be to live with him, half of my things are at his parents place.

i need to look out for me, that doesn't belittle how much i love him. he is just comfortable and doesn't want to grow. i grow. and i don't want to be a girlfriend to him anymore.

I'm not looking to just get married. if we were to break up i would probably date for several years before even considering getting married again. but I've been with him for 6 years and know that i want to marry him. i don't see how it is rash on my part.

I'm sorry to sound matriarchal but spending a lot of time at each-other's place isn't the same as living together...especially when there are no parents around to pick up after him or remind him to do this or that. Does he at least pay his own bills (cell phone, car, etc)? I'd think twice about committing to a mortgage with someone who has NO experience of taking car of "grown-up" things. It's a lot harder than it looks...and it's not just the money part that's hard it's the self-discipline part too.

But speaking of mortgages...I'm pretty sure married couples usually get better rates when applying for loans....just a side note.

I totally get where you are coming from and feel for your situation but if I were in your shoes I'd need to see some serious progress from this guy in the next few months or I'd be out the door.

Its kind of disgusting ppl think of marriage as a piece of paper. Yeah you GET a piece of paper...your marriage license/certificate. But did it not go beyond that for you??!! I mean the VOWS that you took before one another or that you would take (if currently not married)... It's a promise you make to one another before God. Idk but I didn't disregard any part of my wedding ceremony. It's a serious thing. Beyond "titling" yourself or adding another paper to the filing cabinet...sheesh!

I think people use the whole "it's just a piece of paper" line because maybe their significant other won't marry them and it's their way of "dealing" with it. Then again there are people who don't take vows and religious things to heart/seriously. To each their own on that one.

I think it's awesome that you know what you want. From what you have said about your bf tho he seems like a loser. I'm sorry, but you have your crap together and he doesn't! If he hasn't even had some sort of a marriage or "our future" conversation then maybe he won't go there with you.

I met my husband when I was 16, we dated off and on for a couple years. I told him if he was serious about me that he needed to show it...i got my promise ring..Then stayed together for the next 3 1/2...he asked me to marry him and I got another ring. Granite we both wanted to get married we just both wanted to make sure timing was right and that we are ready for the big M... No more "I hate you and am leaving you" crap (example lol)..you're ONE and have to work **** out. Well I got SIck of some crap and decided to leave.. He cleaned up his act and everything is amazing! I also got another ring after that!! Love works in weird ways...

Maybe it would be a good idea for a little break. You do your thing and don't worry about him. Let him see what he had and you at the same time can see if you REALLY miss him. Not just miss but if you feel like you 100% need him with you in your life.. Trust me you will know

Sorry you're dealing with this!

I really don't see the big deal with marriage if you are not religious, are you really saying that before you get married you would cheat and generally act disrespectfully to a long term partner? Is being married somehow going to make you a better person? You should be treating your partner with respect the moment you become exclusive.

Divorce means I can just walk away from you at any time for any reason and no longer have that commitment. Marriage doesn't stop you from cheating, being abusive or lazy, nor does it preclude you from not being a douche if you aren't married.

With the ease of divorce the only real life time commitment is kids, it takes a real scum bag to completely walk away from their kids and have no contact ever, no matter how bad their partner is.

Try living together for a period of time, if he isn't ready to grow up then you will find out real quick.

I generally think people who belittle marriage have some pretty serious emotional problems. If you just don't want to get married, that's fine. It's not something anyone should do unless they are 100% committed to the idea of being legally and spiritually responsible for and accountable to another person (same thing with becoming a parent). But just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean you need to call it "only a piece of paper" or say that religion is the only reason for someone to get married or suggest that a person who does want to get married is only seeking to achieve a goal or self-fulfillment. And people who make a point of degrading the institution (rather than just silently accepting that an overwhelming majority of the world believes in marriage) typically have their own insecurities about it.

I could be a multitude of things, depending on your/his personalities and beliefs.

He could genuinely not be interested in marriage, or not believe in it.

He may not see what he wants in a marriage in you.

Or... he may love you like crazy, know that you are a passionate romantic (like said in a previous post) and WANT to do it right!!!

My husband knowing that I absolutely love photography, planned to propose on a weekend he had invited some friends of ours that he knows I respect and love thier work (style is similiar to mine). His plan was to propose and have them catch the moment and emotions. Well, this didn't happen because he got laid off and couldn't finish paying for the ring. So instead, knowing Christmas is my favourite holiday and knowing how much of a geek I am shaking boxes like a child, he put my ring in a tin full of hersheys kisses so I wouldn't be able to guess and go crazy until then. It was a really sweet moment. The point is.. he took the time to make it special for me, because theoretically, its only really supposed to happen once in a lifetime right? He had been planning it for a year.

So, unless he became distant after that conversation, I wouldn't cut him loose just yet.

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

Thanks I sure do!! (haven't found the "better" yet and at 36 I think I'm really running out of time! But anyways... you deserve better too!!

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

Thanks I sure do!! (haven't found the "better" yet and at 36 I think I'm really running out of time! But anyways... you deserve better too!!

You're not running out of time. I didn't get married until I was 37. You got time yet!

One of my favorite sayings goes perfectly with this thread:

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!"

If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.

For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?

costs a lot, its a faff to organise, cant please both sides of the family, got other things that money could be spent on, just not that bothered about doing it, dont see it as a priority, happy with the way things are.


i *would* get married to my partner, and he *would* be happy to marry me, but neither of us feel particularly bothered or rushed about it
. In my circle of family in friends its just as common to have very happy healthy long term live in relationships as it is to get married.

well yeah i guess, but then what ive already got is a marriage then. I just never had the weddingy party bit.

Actually i do often refer to him as my husband

My husband and I never wanted to get married. We'd seen enough bad marriages in our families and friends.

But, over coffee one morning, we decided to get married and 2 months later we were. We had lived together for over 2 years and just decided it would be good for us to get married.

It did change things. I can't explain it. Was I committed to him then? Yes. But taking those vows with him in front of our closest 20 people was simply amazing. It was the best day of my life and we live our vows daily.

Marriage is not a goal, it is you saying to God and the world that you will love, honor, and keep your partner until death do you part. It is not a goal to be accomplished like losing weight or getting your degree. You cannot put marriage and kids as goals on the timeline of your life. Each is ongoing and forever. Marriage has to be worked at because getting married does not make all your problems magically go away.

First of all I haven't read every page of posts on this topic so forgive me if I give you a similar answer as someone else.
I, too, have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together on and off, mostly on for nearly 6 years. We actually got engaged about a year and half in, then we hit a really rough off time for about 6 months and once we got back together we still haven't gotten engaged again. During the previous engagment no date was ever set and no real plans were ever made. In the last year we have had a baby together, which was completely unexpected. At the time we had just gotten back together and were really trying to figure out if it was actually going to work out this time. The pregnancy brought us closer than we'd ever been before. But once my son came, it seemed to go downhill up until this last few weeks. He personally is a recovering alcoholic and has been into some legal trouble in his past. Again this is all behind us. But he still carried around a lot of baggage, which he realized and he blamed for his lack of commitment. He claimed that once he finally got his life back on track fully that he wouldn't feel guilty about me marrying into such a mess. To me though I just love him. I've been with him through some of the thickest of messes he's gotten himself into, and he's miraculously brought himself out of. I respect the man he is because of his work ethic, his humor, and now for his fatherhood. He's amazing to be around, and I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I finally sat him down and told him that it was obvious that he didn't want any part of me and that it was pathetic of him to not even recognize my need for a marital commitment. He said he'd lost some interest, but never fell out of love. I told him straight up that it was his own fault because he'd become distant. I said that if he hadn't been investing into me and into the relationship why the hell would he want or expect anything out of it. He also has claimed for years now that we have so little in common, in which I point out to him all our similarities, and he proceeds to point out our differences. I finally told him he needed to realize how he's never going to find a duplicate of himself and that he either needed to find an appreciation for our differences and try to see how they help each of us be more complete people or he needed to stop dragging me along for this rollercoaster ride. There was a lot more discussion regarding some more personal issues involving our son as well, but obviously that woudn't really apply to you. But thing is, it took really pointing out to him how he was wasting everyone's time and energy before he actually decided to straighten up. Thing is, it took this long, and honestly I'm still not sure if his change in attitude will last. I still don't have a ring on my finger, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving advice on the subject. But really I wanted to share how I do know where you're coming from in a way, and from me I don't think you're being irrational. But at this point and in your personal situation, you haven't got much to lose by ending the relationship except the last 6 and half years... but if you do choose to stick around, you have to determine too if you're willing to forfeit any more time for this guy. I think right now you're looking for reason to justify staying and you're having trouble yourself finding that much less getting it from anyone else. I do wish you luck. I know you have to love the guy, and I've been there, I am there. Hang in there and I hope all works out for YOUR best interest.