I'm trying to eat healthy but my Spouse isn't??

endlessfall16 wrote: »

cross2bear wrote: »

I find it really sad to see that so many people say she has a right to eat what she wants, and that her spouse just has to suck it up. I mean, thats absolutely correct in the cold, harsh light of reality, but its a marriage after all, and isnt there supposed to be some compassion, respect, some give and take and compromise in such a relationship? I despise Dr Phil, but he did say one thing that has stuck with me and that was "what can I do right now or today to show my partner that I love them?" - I would think that anyone would want their partner to be happy and healthy, to feel loved and respected, cherished and cared for, and if hiding food, or not bringing it into the house is all it takes, then what reasons could possibly exist for NOT doing it? I have been married for over 35 years to the same guy - believe me there have been times when I would just as soon have smothered him in his sleep than let him live till morning (FYI - this is a joke), but I could not be so insensitive to his needs that I would refuse to alter some very minor detail of my life if it would lessen his anxiety or give him some peace of mind.

Maybe I am just old and old fashioned.

Ignore those people. Reality is there are more divorces than otherwise.

Yes, just ignore the people with different opinions and outlooks because they clearly don't matter and are not helpful at all.

DearestWinter wrote: »

xSPICYx wrote: »

haha. It's not even like I'm throwing it out because I don't like it. I just throw it out if its taking up space from putting actual healthy food into the fridge, or if it makes it difficult to grab other stuff out. Like if I don't have enough space to put the Soy milk or orange juice in the fridge? You bet I"m making space. If the bottle is resting on top of other food, so it falls out when I try to grab something? Bye Bye

Ah-ha! So all your wife needs to do is make sure the bottle won't fall out of the fridge. You could buy her one of these for her birthday and it would be a win-win:

Actually, I'm thinking all she needs to do is rearrange so hubby's stuff is the stuff that's ready to fall out. Problem solved.

I can tell you no husband of mine would be throwing my things away without asking me first or there would be consequences. That is Co-Habitation Basic Courtesy 101.

Rdsgoal16 wrote: »

Equating tempting food to alcoholism is like comparing apples to oranges.

Maybe for you, we can go all clinical and chemical but you have no clue what temptations I face around food.

You're right. Clinical and chemical (aka science) is irrelevant.

xSPICYx wrote: »

acheben wrote: »

I'm really hoping that you don't actually throw away her soda. That is completely disrespectful and I would be so incredibly upset and offended if my husband was throwing out the things that I was buying for myself.

Good thing I'm not your husband

Edit got my quotes mixed up. I meant to say I agree with what @acheben said. Money doesn't grow on trees, and I work hard for the money that I make. If my husband threw away something that I bought for myself, whether it were makeup, clothes, or soda, I'd consider that extremely disrespectful.

stealthq wrote: »

DearestWinter wrote: »

xSPICYx wrote: »

haha. It's not even like I'm throwing it out because I don't like it. I just throw it out if its taking up space from putting actual healthy food into the fridge, or if it makes it difficult to grab other stuff out. Like if I don't have enough space to put the Soy milk or orange juice in the fridge? You bet I"m making space. If the bottle is resting on top of other food, so it falls out when I try to grab something? Bye Bye

Ah-ha! So all your wife needs to do is make sure the bottle won't fall out of the fridge. You could buy her one of these for her birthday and it would be a win-win:

Actually, I'm thinking all she needs to do is rearrange so hubby's stuff is the stuff that's ready to fall out. Problem solved.

I can tell you no husband of mine would be throwing my things away without asking me first or there would be consequences. That is Co-Habitation Basic Courtesy 101.

Absolutely. His "healthy" stuff (which is all relative - I see absolutely no real health benefits to orange juice or soy milk) is no more important than her stuff. That is one of the most disrespectful things I've ever read on these boards. "My opinion is right and yours is wrong so I reserve the right to throw away your stuff." Puh-lease.

I just tell my wife her soda went flat ^_^

gramarye wrote: »

Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »

xSPICYx wrote: »

acheben wrote: »

I'm really hoping that you don't actually throw away her soda. That is completely disrespectful and I would be so incredibly upset and offended if my husband was throwing out the things that I was buying for myself.

Good thing I'm not your husband

Edit got my quotes mixed up. I meant to say I agree with what @acheben said. Money doesn't grow on trees, and I work hard for the money that I make. If my husband threw away something that I bought for myself, whether it were makeup, clothes, or soda, I'd consider that extremely disrespectful.

Yes, that. I would seriously reconsider my fiance if he were the sort of person to throw away my things, especially in a passive aggressive, "My stuff is more deserving of the space," way. *kitten* that noise.

(We talked about this thread last night, and he was like, "Hey, please don't throw my food in the yard. If I bought it, it's because I want to eat it. Or I got it for you." My response was, "Of course, that'd be a horrible waste of food." Conversation over.)

That's awesome.

I don't know what I'd do if I married someone self-serving enough to think that I should hide food from him or that his stuff was more deserving of fridge space than mine. But luckily I don't have to worry about that because my OH is awesome. Coincidentally, so am I, so it's a win-win.

Rdsgoal16 wrote: »

SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage wrote: »

Rdsgoal16 wrote: »

Equating tempting food to alcoholism is like comparing apples to oranges.

Maybe for you, we can go all clinical and chemical but you have no clue what temptations I face around food.

You're right. Clinical and chemical (aka science) is irrelevant.

And you missed the point, it was about being compassionate to another human being........

I must have, yes. If being compassionate means that the inability to resist a cookie should be treated as the same problem as an alcoholic resisting alcohol, I have definitely missed the point entirely. Clearly I am a heartless cow.

I apologize for derailing the thread. Back to the OP's point, if you chat with your spouse about your wish to remove or hide things that tempt you, and she's okay with that, everyone wins. But for the sake of keeping peace in your house, please do not make an issue of it. This whole weight loss thing is a mental game and people are sometimes weird about it. All you can do is set a good example and hope that eventually she will follow suit, but she has to be ready in her own time.

MommyMeggo wrote: »

If you dont want to get healthy WITH me then I ask two things of the person who loves me:

#1- Understand its important to me and respect that.
#2- Dont sabotage my efforts

Define "sabotage", though. For example, when I was working on losing weight but my husband was not, he would bring home ice cream every once in a while and have some after the kids went to bed. Even though I wasn't eating ice cream at the time, I don't consider this sabotage. Had he somehow force-fed me ice cream, I would consider that sabotage (at the very least). I think it's my responsibility to decide what I eat and what I don't.

cross2bear wrote: »

DearestWinter wrote: »

cross2bear wrote: »

DearestWinter wrote: »

cross2bear wrote: »

Out in the real world, a person can walk away from the tempting food, or not purchase it. At home, they can walk away from it, but it is there when they get back. All I am saying is that it seems sad to me that if a small adjustment on the part of one person's behaviour or habit would have a positive impact on another person, that one would not do it. If you knew that you could positively affect someones life, give them some peace of mind and relieve some anxiety by doing one small thing, nothing that is dramatically inconvenient or difficult, doesnt cost you anything, doesnt require a large physical effort - what reasons could you offer for not doing it?

You suggest that it's easier for someone to change a habit of leaving tempting food out than it is for someone to change a habit of (over)eating tempting food. That's where I take issue. Our habits get pretty ingrained and many of us have trouble changing them. It has nothing to do with not caring about the other person or prioritizing our happiness over theirs. It's actually easier for those of us who are trying to watch our diet to make changes to our habits because we have a constant reminder to do so. Most of us probably think about how we want to be healthier on a daily basis and that motivates us to log our food in MFP and make better choices. Your spouse thinks about you on a daily basis but they're not likely to think "and @cross2bear is too fat so I better put the donuts into the special cupboard". (At least, I hope not.)

If your spouse offers to make changes to their behavior and they successfully start storing these foods elsewhere (or are okay with not buying them at all) then that's fine. But there shouldn't be an expectation of someone else making changes, even seemingly small ones, to support our personal goals.

That is SO not what I said, but if thats how you want to interpret it, be my guest.

You said "All I am saying is that it seems sad to me that if a small adjustment on the part of one person's behaviour or habit would have a positive impact on another person, that one would not do it."

Let's use the example of putting donuts in a cupboard versus the counter. If I am interpreting that correctly you think it's sad for a spouse to not make a small adjustment (putting donuts into a cupboard) to their habit (of putting donuts on the counter). I am saying that if their habit is to put donuts on the counter and your habit is to eat donuts on the counter then why is it sad for your spouse not to break their habit before you break yours? (If you broke your habit then none of this would be an issue.)

I think you are being disingenuous - I read on the boards here every day about people who express body image concerns, guilt, shame, self loathing and various degrees of depression because they are unable to control their reactions to tempting food. Are you suggesting that simply changing a habit from putting food on the counter to putting food in the cupboard is more stressful than that? Of even that it is equally stressful? Because thats what your saying - why should one person change a habit when another person isnt required to. How one habit is equal to another. When changing where I store my Reeses Pieces can reduce me to tears, I will have more time for your position.

Maybe this is semantics. When I talk about habits I think about something we do instinctively. We don't think about it, it's something we just do. I'm not talking about behavior we're conscious of doing.

When I go grocery shopping and put groceries away then some of my decisions are conscious and some are habits. Cheese gets tossed into the cheese drawer without a second thought. I would have a hard time not putting cheese into the cheese drawer. It's just a habit. I've been frustrated when cheese doesn't fit into the cheese drawer (because I have too much cheese) and spent a moment trying to figure out where I could put the cheese so it wouldn't spoil when I actually had an ENTIRE fridge where it could go. (Silly, right? But that's a habit.)

Maybe your spouse has a habit of putting donuts on the counter or maybe it's a decision. If it's a decision then I agree it can be more easily changed. (Whether it should or not has already been debated to death.) If it's a habit then it's trickier.

I agree with you that some habits have much more stressful consequences than others. I also agree that changing the habit of where to keep the donuts is probably less stressful than changing the habit of eating donuts. The issue is that changing a habit is just hard. It's not emotional effort or physical effort, it's mental effort. You have to become aware of something that you previously were not aware of at all. (Or perhaps were only tangentially aware of doing.) That's difficult.

Changing a habit becomes easier when you have clear and strong personal motivation to do so. That's why we change more easily for ourselves than for someone else. And that's also why it's unfair to expect someone else to change any habit (small or large) because we want them too.