Shame - does it hinder or help you lose or gain weight?

sunnybeaches105 wrote: »

I personaly think the complete and utter lack of shame in certain people is one of the major issues we have in contemporary Western society. It's not everyone but there is certainly a large swath of Western society who couldn't care less about other people, or what other people think of them. If you're (I'm using "you" in the royal sense here) one of them and slowing killing yourself by overeating, drinking too much, or abusing drugs, then stop whining like a child and do something about it.

You are mixing two things. If someone is overweight and whining about it, sure, the response is "if it bothers you, do something about it." But no one said anything about whining -- you seem to have just assumed that. If someone is overweight and fine with it, it's none of my business. (If I'm the doctor or responsible for public policy, I should provide appropriate health information, of course.)

sunnybeaches105 wrote: »

The fat acceptance movement belongs in paragraph 1 and they certainly are whining. The term shame is used in a variety of ways and that group, for the most part, is talking about being "shamed" not necessarily actually feeling "shame." They're celebrating poor choices. I see others in group 2 being drawn to the movement because they need help with their feelings but that's not the group I see advocating and being celebrated. If it was the movement would be focused on self improvement rather than whining about society.

I think there is probably a very small minority of people that are actually celebrating being overweight. I'm sure they exist, but I'm guessing this is a pretty small sliver of the population. I think others in the fat acceptance movement are more in favor of just not wanting to be shamed or forced into self-loathing just because of their weight.

I think people react differently to shame, but sometimes, people equate holding someone accountable to shaming. For instance, calling BS on someone that says "I only eat 1000 calories per day, but I still gain weight!" is not shaming them.

I watched my family live through the cycle of shame about eating, and eating to feel better, and then feeling ashamed again. My mother abused food (and still does) and my father emotionally abused my mother for being heavy and abusing food. It was this awful, terrible cycle and it created - for me- a very negative emotional relationship with food (was bulimic in my teens) and it took me well into my twenties to change that.

Shame is not a self-awareness kind of response to the world around you. It is a feeling that you are being judged for doing something incorrect or improper. There's absolutely zero benefit to that.

I've really never found shame motivating, and I have to admit I've rarely or never felt it (that I can recall) in any systematic, persistent way. (I credit a ridiculously happy and secure childhood for this, mostly, BTW.)

Guilt, on the other hand, I used to use quite a lot when I was younger, to prod myself into action concerning things I knew I "should" do.

Now, not so much. For me, one of the blessings of aging (and going through early widowhood, and a seriously life-threatening disease of my own) is that I've actually been able to let go of a lot of negative emotions overall. They're a poor use of my time and energy. Why be unhappy deliberately? (Actually, I think I've let go of a lot of all kinds of optional/unnecessary emotions, only some of which were inherently negative.)

For me, the thing that finally made a switch flip in my head, so that I got serious about losing weight and actually did it, was finally reaching my limit of the health risks and conditions I was willing to take on, just for the sake of staying fat (eating & drinking a lot). That, in itself, seems like a "getting rid of the negative".