Gained Weight and Lied to BF About It

randomtai wrote: »

Is this real life?

I know men and women who have been in relationships like this and worse, it's a reality for many.

BekahC1980 wrote: »

Honey I haven't read any of the comments but I wanted to say be thankful he's gone. What he is doing now will ONLY get worse, trust me! I have been in your shoes.

Unfortunately OP didn't say he was gone. She said he hasn't spoken to her in over 24 hours.

BABetter1 wrote: »

BekahC1980 wrote: »

Honey I haven't read any of the comments but I wanted to say be thankful he's gone. What he is doing now will ONLY get worse, trust me! I have been in your shoes.

Unfortunately OP didn't say he was gone. She said he hasn't spoken to her in over 24 hours.

Well forgive me mister or miss police. Damn

butterfli7o wrote: »

jofjltncb6 wrote: »

EvgeniZyntx wrote: »

SoCalMirna wrote: »

My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...

Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.

To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?

I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.

The thing is, we are only seeing one side of the story and even that is unclear. What if lying is an ongoing issue and this was the straw? What if there is more to the story? What if there was some sort of "emotional vampirism" attached to the weight loss attempt where he finally cracked? What if there was a two-way emotional abuse in this relationship because two people are simply not compatible? What if OP's perspective on the situation is a bit distorted due to being upset or stressed affecting the kinds of words used in the post? What if she is catastrophizing and he simply got busy with something, lost his phone, or had some sort of emergency situation that distracted him from replying? So many what if's that it's hard to make an accurate assessment of the situation or the relationship.

I'm amazed how quick people are here to recommend breakups for the slightest relationship hiccup.

OP, dust yourself off and start over regardless if he will or will not talk to you. Regardless of where your relationship is heading. You are trying to lose weight for yourself. Narrowing your vision and focusing on self improvement may actually take your mind off other things that may be causing you distress. If you feel you are unable to handle it on your own need therapy, there is no shame in that. Taking care of your body is important, but taking care of your mind should not be put on the backburner.

amusedmonkey wrote: »

butterfli7o wrote: »

jofjltncb6 wrote: »

EvgeniZyntx wrote: »

SoCalMirna wrote: »

My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...

Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.

To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?

I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.

The thing is, we are only seeing one side of the story and even that is unclear. What if lying is an ongoing issue and this was the straw? What if there is more to the story? What if there was some sort of "emotional vampirism" attached to the weight loss attempt where he finally cracked? What if there was a two-way emotional abuse in this relationship because two people are simply not compatible? What if OP's perspective on the situation is a bit distorted due to being upset or stressed affecting the kinds of words used in the post? What if she is catastrophizing and he simply got busy with something, lost his phone, or had some sort of emergency situation that distracted him from replying? So many what if's that it's hard to make an accurate assessment of the situation or the relationship.

I'm amazed how quick people are here to recommend breakups for the slightest relationship hiccup.

OP, dust yourself off and start over regardless if he will or will not talk to you. Regardless of where your relationship is heading. You are trying to lose weight for yourself. Narrowing your vision and focusing on self improvement may actually take your mind off other things that may be causing you distress. If you feel you are unable to handle it on your own need therapy, there is no shame in that. Taking care of your body is important, but taking care of your mind should not be put on the backburner.

Careful. You're walking a dangerous path.

(But I'm glad you are. I was getting lonely.)

Wait. I mean, CRUCIFY HIM! HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!! HE'S A PUPPY-KICKING SADIST AND YOU'RE A SAINT!!!

*rabble* *rabble* *rabble*

mangamadayan wrote: »

This is not a minor relationship hiccup. If you come on here and defend the guy, it sort of appears that you kind of empathize with him because you may be inclined to the same behaviour should the same/similar situation arise.

Some men are not men. They are just beta manlets thrusting their insecurities on their spouses. The women should just pack up and leave, but that they do not and there is no end to this cycle.

I suppose one could make that leap of a conclusion if they were unable to comprehend the many possible scenarios. It's certainly the easiest and most popular approach and will make others in here happy. Perhaps you just lack the courage to consider any other possibility. I can't really blame you. The arrows do sting a little.

MalcolmX1983 wrote: »

You folks need to let it go man, just agree to disagree or toss a coin or something.



Op, start lifting weights and get strong.
Next time your bf tells you to do anything, grab his neck and feet, then proceed to deadlift him for reps.

lol, best advise of the day!!

amyrebeccah wrote: »

jofjltncb6 wrote: »

amyrebeccah wrote: »

jofjltncb6 wrote: »

mangamadayan wrote: »

This is not a minor relationship hiccup. If you come on here and defend the guy, it sort of appears that you kind of empathize with him because you may be inclined to the same behaviour should the same/similar situation arise.

Some men are not men. They are just beta manlets thrusting their insecurities on their spouses. The women should just pack up and leave, but that they do not and there is no end to this cycle.

I suppose one could make that leap of a conclusion if they were unable to comprehend the many possible scenarios. It's certainly the easiest and most popular approach and will make others in here happy. Perhaps you just lack the courage to consider any other possibility. I can't really blame you. The arrows do sting a little.

Where do I send you your medal for rationalizing forcing someone to weigh themselves in front of other people and refusing to speak to them for 24 hours for not being truthful about their weight? I mean, by searching and searching and SEARCHING for any potential reasonable explanation for this behavior, you're showing me the true meaning of courage right here, right now.

Sweet! I like medals!

I also like to entertain plausible scenarios for the party not represented. It's the same character flaw that also compels me to defend others even when it isn't popular*. You don't...and that's okay. We all have our roles to play.


(*and let's be clear here. I'm not defending this guy. I don't have enough information to do that. I'm simply offering a minority opinion that perhaps...PERHAPS...the true situation here isn't as sinister as the majority has concluded it to be.)

I actually spend the majority of my life doing exactly that. It is not only what I do for a living, it is what i consider my life's calling. I certainly wouldn't call what I do courageous, although it's a hell of a lot harder in real life than "yes, but" ing on some message boards. I certainly wouldn't imply someone was a coward for not doing it, either.

The issue is simple. You can entertain plausible alternative scenarios (although you have acknowledged that anything you could possibly think of would be a wild-*kitten* guess). Others on this board do not think there are plausible alternative scenarios. That doesn't make them irrational, or cowardly. And it doesn't make you white-knighting for this random dude brave or somehow more intellectually honest than them.

If anyone needs me, I'll be over here in the internet corner licking my internet wounds from that internet beat-down.

*sob*



(PS: I bet your internet armor shimmers so brightly that others can't even look at it directly.)

There's not enough context to form an opinion about the "he made her stand on a scale" thing. I mean, what set off warning bells for me that something was off was:

SoCalMirna wrote: »

My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds.

For ME, making my weight loss into a joint project with the BF or having the BF working on MY weight loss makes no sense and feels over-involved. But clearly for the OP this makes sense (and is consistent with various other posts we get here that seem to think the partner should be involved).

Given this, we don't know what the plan is, and her using him for accountability or weighing front of him could be part of that. (Again, seems over-involved to me, but clearly related to her claiming that HE is working to help her lose weight.)

Now, why is he going to be mad because she gained weight? Because all this is really about him wanting her to be thinner? Sure, maybe. That was my assumption at first (and from him working on her weight loss). But it could be because she gets so upset and down about being overweight. It could be that she's insecure at it had no grounding in his actual likely reaction. Being scared of the partner's reaction clearly is a sign that the relationship needs work, but we don't actually know the cause.

And why is he mad? Because of the lying? Because he thinks she wasn't trying after demanding (possibly, who knows--again, we lack context) that he be involved?

Point is, we don't know.

I do think therapy probably couldn't hurt and you might be a lot happier and find it easier to treat your weight loss as a personal thing.

TR0berts wrote: »

I know I shouldn't, but here goes...

When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me

Does op actually know that he'd be mad? Or does she "know?" Meaning, she really doesn't know, she's just projecting her own insecurities onto him, and she thinks he'll be mad? Of course, this begs the follow-up question of how/why she knows/thinks this.

Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him

Nowhere does OP say that he "made" her do anything. That could be the case - it's definitely a possibility. But, it could just be that they were in the bathroom together (or wherever) and suggested she step on the scale, so she did. I mean, if he's been helping her, and she's been ok with that, this is a perfectly reasonable request.

And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him...

If you don't trust him, why are you in this relationship to begin with? Again, it begs the follow-up question of, "why don't you trust him?"


eta: There are just so many questions that really ought to be asked before crucifying anyone. It's certainly possible that OP's BF is a 1st Class PoS. But, isn't anyone (outside of a few) actually interested in the truth?

"The nature of the evidence is irrelevant; it’s the seriousness of the charge that matters.”

jofjltncb6 wrote: »

TR0berts wrote: »

I know I shouldn't, but here goes...

When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me

Does op actually know that he'd be mad? Or does she "know?" Meaning, she really doesn't know, she's just projecting her own insecurities onto him, and she thinks he'll be mad? Of course, this begs the follow-up question of how/why she knows/thinks this.

Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him

Nowhere does OP say that he "made" her do anything. That could be the case - it's definitely a possibility. But, it could just be that they were in the bathroom together (or wherever) and suggested she step on the scale, so she did. I mean, if he's been helping her, and she's been ok with that, this is a perfectly reasonable request.

And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him...

If you don't trust him, why are you in this relationship to begin with? Again, it begs the follow-up question of, "why don't you trust him?"


eta: There are just so many questions that really ought to be asked before crucifying anyone. It's certainly possible that OP's BF is a 1st Class PoS. But, isn't anyone (outside of a few) actually interested in the truth?

"The nature of the evidence is irrelevant; it’s the seriousness of the charge that matters.”

Well, and men are bigger and more abusive. Obviously.

TR0berts wrote: »

I know I shouldn't, but here goes...

When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me

Does op actually know that he'd be mad? Or does she "know?" Meaning, she really doesn't know, she's just projecting her own insecurities onto him, and she thinks he'll be mad? Of course, this begs the follow-up question of how/why she knows/thinks this.

Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him

Nowhere does OP say that he "made" her do anything. That could be the case - it's definitely a possibility. But, it could just be that they were in the bathroom together (or wherever) and suggested she step on the scale, so she did. I mean, if he's been helping her, and she's been ok with that, this is a perfectly reasonable request.

And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him...

If you don't trust him, why are you in this relationship to begin with? Again, it begs the follow-up question of, "why don't you trust him?"


eta: There are just so many questions that really ought to be asked before crucifying anyone. It's certainly possible that OP's BF is a 1st Class PoS. But, isn't anyone (outside of a few) actually interested in the truth?

I was totally interested from a complete unbias standpoint. Because 15 years of this? And I was concerned that there was a remote possibility of consequence over something some small as a few pounds of weight gain.. not logical to me.

Secondly, it always takes two people to tango. Always. So there may be some pitty (I hate to use that word) wanted on behalf of OP that we gang up on BF, and BF is not here to interject his side of things.

Who knows, OP wrote the thread, and has not been back. So it may have just be "I need to vent" not thinking that there our folks in the cyber space paying attention.

edited to add: I live by this rule, there is three sides to every story.. Yours, Mine and the Truth.

I think the important thing to look at here is why you felt the need to lie to your boyfriend about your weight gain? You're human and make mistakes and there are going to be times when you fail at things, even those you want to most. You shouldn't be ashamed of failing and he shouldn't make you feel bad for it.

It is possible that he is upset about your lie, which he's entitle to be, however if you find that he's more upset about the weight gain I would strongly suggest that you evaluate the relationship and ask yourself if it's the type of relationship that will help you be the best version of youself. There is a difference between motivation and control.

Finally ask yourself if your journey is for you or for him? So long as it's to make someone else happy, I hate to break it to you, you will never succeed in reaching your ultimate goal. You may reach it temporarily sure, but it wont be for the right reason and will ultimately not work long term. You have to be ready for a life change, you have to be dedicated to it, you have to be willing to pick yourself and move forward when you fail, you have to push yourself when nobody is there to hold your hand, but most importantly you have to do it for yourself.

Good luck on your journey, wishing you all the best.