married chit-chatters?
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Another question before I wrap up my day at work....can you love your spouse out of depression? Meaning, can you compliment a person until they begin to believe it's true? Can you constantly extend an invitation for events and be refused every time until he/she finally says yes? Can you help a person with addictive behaviors that doesn't want to be helped? Is it possible?0
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@Cutaway_Collar I was 22 and I frown upon it in this day and age too.
I can certainly see the advantages of marrying later. Just wondering if it felt difficult to adjust to living with someone after being independent for a good number of years. I had only lived with roommates for a few years, so had never lived on my own prior to getting married. The transition was easy at 22.
@novio50 No. I don't think so. Depression is not a choice; it's usually a medical problem. They need professional treatment: cognitive therapy, talk therapy, medication. It is very difficult to be a depressed person and to love a depressed person. You can keep extending an invitation and they can keep refusing . . . until they feel better. No, you cannot help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. Sorry if you are going through that. Hugs.0 -
I think age of marriage depends on when you meet the right person, how mature you are, etc. I got married at 22. My husband 24. Been married for 16 years. We were both mature. I can say that now that I am 38 looking back. We didn't think we were mature. We really were. And people commented that a lot that usually they don't think people should marry young, but we are both mature and such a great match. He is an amazing person. Truly the best person I have ever met or known. He is intelligent, emotionally intelligent, insightful, creative, fun, a handyman, a hard worker. It would have been crazy to pass that up just because of age. Absolutely no regrets. Our partnership is very beneficial to our growth as people. We adore eachother. We are a support to one another. I am very thankful. And as I said, it wasn't rushed into. I was friends with him for two years before we kissed. We have a very solid foundation of friendship for 20 years. So, each situation is unique. It's not about following the right life script, but allowing life to unfold in the best possible way.1
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I don't mean to sound like a hypocrite. As much as I love my wife and everything I often wonder if people are supposed to be married. Lust is such a huge problem for me personally. Luckily I've never acted on it, but there are times I wonder if I'm trying to stifle a natural instinct.
My point is I guess if my younger relatives ask me about marriage I tell them I don't think it's practical. Sure people can make it work but look at the numbers. 50% of marriages end in divorce. You think that's by chance? My opinion is humans weren't meant to monogamous. I do respect the sanctity of marriage that is the only reason I am where I am today.
I know so many people stuck in a relationship where they just stay together because they liked the "idea" of marriage.0 -
@Novio50, I can't answer your questions. If my spouse were suffering from depression and substance abuse I would discuss how it's affecting the relationship. I'd also support them while they were trying recover. The hard part would be dealing with relapses or the lack of wanting to get better. Eventually I'd have to decide is it healthier for me and family to be separated from this person. I would have gone through hell and back before making that decision.0
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I don't really have the desire to go have sex with other people. But, I do like fun flirting and interaction with others in new and novel ways. My husband and I go out dancing at fetish dance parties. And we dress sexy. Like in my lingerie or a net dress for example. And we dance. And dance sexy with each other. A little public touching with eachother (no sex at these parties). And I dance for him and live out his fantasies that he requests (because I want him to request and ask for things). And we mingle and dance and flirt with others. I'm bisexual. And with the dancing there is some closeness and touching. I enjoy all of this. It's exciting activities with my husband and includes a little fun with others. It's all consensual, witnessed, and enjoyed together. I have no desire to go there without him. So, for me this is fun. I enjoy it. Monogamy doesn't have to be boring. And I don't want to have sex with other people. It works for us. Plus always keeping the sex and our interactions interesting. Just got to keep it interesting and always continue to explore more and more sexual fantasies that we come up with together.1
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@BinaryPulsar It sounds like you have a great sex life. Marriage is more than just sex but it is a huge part of it. You being bisexual ads another layer that is a win win for a guy. He can have a 3some and it's not considered cheating. Most guys don't have that option.1
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I'm married2
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kevinf2380 wrote: »@BinaryPulsar It sounds like you have a great sex life. Marriage is more than just sex but it is a huge part of it. You being bisexual ads another layer that is a win win for a guy. He can have a 3some and it's not considered cheating. Most guys don't have that option.
Yeah, that's true.0 -
Married too. Happily.2
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I met my husband when I was 18, married when I was 24 and we've been married for 16 years. Marriage is hard! I've yet to meet someone who has the perfect marriage, despite how it looks from the outside. I think the excitement of lusting after others is so prominent because the day to day stresses/burdens of life aren't present...you're only getting the good in those relationships.
I agree with @BinaryPulsar that you have to find ways to keep it interesting, compromise, make time to work on just you two, try new things and keep the lines of communication open.1 -
I agree with Meredith. Marriage is hard and takes work from both parties. I've been married 24 years.
I also can relate to some of the less happy posters here but don't want to get into details in a public forum.
Marriage takes work but if both parties are not working at it sometimes a better course of action is to make a change rather than staying in a bad situation where no one is happy and the kids do not learn what a loving relationship looks like.3 -
I agree with Meredith. Marriage is hard and takes work from both parties. I've been married 24 years.
I also can relate to some of the less happy posters here but don't want to get into details in a public forum.
Marriage takes work but if both parties are not working at it sometimes a better course of action is to make a change rather than staying in a bad situation where no one is happy and the kids do not learn what a loving relationship looks like.
Do you think a bad sex life is worthy of getting a divorce? I don't really see how that would justify going through the emotional and financial devastation of divorce. Not to mention what it does to kids. I can see why people think it's easier to stay in the marriage but find something on the side.
What I'm sure no one talks about openly but I'm sure happens is more open relationships. Where a wife or husband openly admits they no longer have the sex drive they did before and allows their spouse to fill their desires elsewhere. If all other aspects of the marriage are satisfied except for sex I don't see why it's worth getting a divorce over.
Most people can never get down to the reality of the situation. They think what type of person am I if I let my spouse have sex with other people? They don't think about it in a logical way. They see it from a standpoint of how society will look at them. You can still love someone and not have sex with them and you can have sex with someone and not love them. Sex is just a physical need that most people feel needs to be satisfied.
Can you take intimacy out of the equation is the problem.2 -
Another question before I wrap up my day at work....can you love your spouse out of depression? Meaning, can you compliment a person until they begin to believe it's true? Can you constantly extend an invitation for events and be refused every time until he/she finally says yes? Can you help a person with addictive behaviors that doesn't want to be helped? Is it possible?
There's nothing easy about your situation, for sure. Being the closest person to a loved one allows us to see them in a way nobody else can see, specially their flaws. It's hard to bring flaws like that to their attention without causing more stress and argument but avoiding that communication can build up dangerous tension inside you. The longer that goes on the harder it gets to break down that barrier. Maybe try making it about the stress on the relationship and not a personal problem of the individual. Work together on improving the relationship, through therapy or new activities or whatever mechanism, and use that effort as a way of appropriately bringing up issues that bother you and allowing the other to realize, on their own, what they're doing is having negative affect on the relationship and themselves. And, be open to the idea that maybe there are things in you that need to change as well.
There's no set solution for any marriage issue; everyone's situation will be different. Yours is a familiar problem to me and I'm still trying to find my way through things. Something that's taken me a few years to realize is that our relationship is evolving so 'fixing' things doesn't mean returning to the way it was before our problems; it means finding the 'new' happy place for us. And along the way, I'm learning a lot about myself and feel I'm becoming a better individual and husband at the same time. The only firm advice I have is both simple and difficult to follow - patience and honest communication.1 -
I met my current husband when I was 37 and divorced. We met at a driving range when I gave him some tips. He was just starting the process of separating from his wife. For whatever reason, he was convinced that we belong together, but I told him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone, much less someone in the early stages of divorce. I was fine with being friends, though. He wore me down eventually and we started dating.
My situation is a prime example of someone not listening to their gut and paying for it. I loved my husband very much for a long time, but I've tolerated a lot of lying, the loss of any intimacy that had been there and his refusal to fix things. I got great kids out of it, but now I'm faced with either sucking it up and being miserable and lonely for a lot longer or dragging the kids through a divorce and having a major lifestyle change (even though I was absolutely committed to him and fixing things). There is no good option here.
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kevinf2380 wrote: »I agree with Meredith. Marriage is hard and takes work from both parties. I've been married 24 years.
I also can relate to some of the less happy posters here but don't want to get into details in a public forum.
Marriage takes work but if both parties are not working at it sometimes a better course of action is to make a change rather than staying in a bad situation where no one is happy and the kids do not learn what a loving relationship looks like.
Do you think a bad sex life is worthy of getting a divorce? I don't really see how that would justify going through the emotional and financial devastation of divorce. Not to mention what it does to kids. I can see why people think it's easier to stay in the marriage but find something on the side.
What I'm sure no one talks about openly but I'm sure happens is more open relationships. Where a wife or husband openly admits they no longer have the sex drive they did before and allows their spouse to fill their desires elsewhere. If all other aspects of the marriage are satisfied except for sex I don't see why it's worth getting a divorce over.
Most people can never get down to the reality of the situation. They think what type of person am I if I let my spouse have sex with other people? They don't think about it in a logical way. They see it from a standpoint of how society will look at them. You can still love someone and not have sex with them and you can have sex with someone and not love them. Sex is just a physical need that most people feel needs to be satisfied.
Can you take intimacy out of the equation is the problem.
Sex is usually the result of the quality of the relationship so may not be fair to place blame on bad sex life. Find a way to make it comfortable for both of you and it will get better (not saying that's easy).
When I was struggling the most with our marriage, somebody asked me a question that shook me pretty hard: "If one of your kids was in your situation, would you tell them to stay in the relationship, or, would you tell them to move on?" It was a perspective that I'd never considered and really helped me analyze things.3 -
I have to come back to comment on some of these but wow, this thread now has some legs.....thanks to everyone for sharing some very private areas of your life! It gives us all something to think about in our own relationships.1
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Well this is a first thread of its kind. At least that I have ever seen.1
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kevinf2380 wrote: »Do you think a bad sex life is worthy of getting a divorce? I don't really see how that would justify going through the emotional and financial devastation of divorce. Not to mention what it does to kids. I can see why people think it's easier to stay in the marriage but find something on the side.
I'm pretty open about the fact that we have zero sex life and yes, I do think it's worth getting a divorce over. In my particular situation, it's not just about sex but about a complete lack of intimacy. It's a very lonely existence and can be devastating to a person's self esteem. I consider myself lucky because I'm on anti-depressants that are very effective and I have other outlets (especially exercise) and this helps me keep it together. Oh, I see a therapist, too.
Divorce is hard on kids, but it's also awful for them to have a terrible relationship as their model. I wanted my kids to see what a happy, loving relationship is -- not two people that live together with no affection, hand holding, kissing, etc. I want more for them and would never want them to be in this kind of relationship.
Opening a marriage isn't always easy, either. I've asked my husband and he's said no. I live in a state that still has at-fault divorces so if I fooled around and got caught, he could sue me for adultery, which could impact custody. This leaves me with the choice of either continuing to live as I do now, just getting through each day and not really being happy or divorce him. If I divorce him, yes, I get the freedom to possibly find someone else with whom I can have a relationship that meets my needs or I can even decide not to have any relationship. However, it also means I lose out on time with the kids and my standard of living will change through no fault of my own. FWIW, I've told him multiple times since last year that I want a divorce. He won't agree to it. I own our house so if I just leave, I'll also end up losing the house, having to file for bankruptcy, etc.
It's a horrible situation with no easy answers.
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