Free Therapy: Another Open Letter!

dear annoying fruit flies,

I have set up many traps of empty containers covered with saran wrap with banana peels inside ... can you not see how im murdered about 30 of your fellow loved ones today by throwing them outside in the snow? Can you just go away already? i will murder you too if you refuse.... i do not need room mates unless you can afford rent,,,,

serial fruit fly killer
jackie

I actually wrote this on my myspace last month when my locked jeep was stolen from my driveway. When I saw the forum I had to post it.....pardon the edited language. I was mad. BTW I got my jeep back later that week, only cost me $350 to get fixed.

Dear A%^hole,

I hope you enjoy the joyride of a ten year old vehicle. I hope the screw that has been stuck in my tire for months finally makes it go flat. I hope that you open the trunk and it falls and nails you in the head like it has done to me many times, because it hurts like a b#$@%. I hope you enjoy the Bee Gees CD in the stereo and the countless children's CDs (maybe you were the person who broke into my car this summer and could not get enough of my daughters CDs). I hope your children enjoy my daughter's car seat and extra coat. You can point out to them where you got it from and feel so proud next time you are in the neighborhood…..F*^&ing Loser! Maybe you can even wrap the junk you stole in the wrapping paper that was in the back of the jeep and brighten someone's Christmas with the "prizes" you found in the vehicle you stole. If only my family could be so lucky and proud.

It is you and the other countless idiots who have driven me to leave this piece of crap neighborhood. I cannot wait until my new home is ready next month.

You may have taken my car away from me, but it is nothing that cannot be replaced. Maybe it will not be replaced with something as nice, but I will always be better than you because I have no need to steal from anyone.

Screw You…..

Carrie

P.S. I really and sincerely hope that karma is real and that you will be reincarnated as a pubic louse living on a meth addict or something equally disgusting.

Father of my child

you are a jerkfaced reject!!! How dare you get your gf to call me up and tell me how horrible of a mother I am because your child had a PB&J sandwhich for dinner, because he has holes in his snow pants, and because i sent him to a friends house last weekend because i needed to paint the living room. Perhaps if you paid your child support that i havent seen in the past 6 years maybe i could afford new snowpants and shrimp... and maybe if you would come get your kid when you are supposed to i wouldnt have to send him to other peoples houses so i could get stuff done. I am sick and tired of your gf telling me what a f-ing C*** i am ... i will no longer take this verbal and mental abuse.... You have threatened to call Childrens Aid on me go for it!!!! you threaten to take custody of him... go for it!!!! I would love to see you try!!! you really think they are gonna give him to you when you cant pick him up every second weekend and you cant pay your child support? :laugh: your an idiot .... It was also nice that your gf said you will no longer be picking him up cuase your gonna go to court first... but hey its all good I dont need you nor have i ever!! I can do it all by myself .. i have been for the past 8 years!!!

sincearly yours the
f-ing C***



ahhh that felt good lol

That's one that should be mailed.

Agreed, but if he really takes you to court it is probably not good to have this physical letter. Lawyers can do crazy things.

Dear Daughter's School,

Could it be possible to go one freakin week without some sort of fund raiser??? Believe it or not, we have bills of our own that we really do need to pay and I'm getting sick of being your ATM machine.

I know times are tough, but I'm sick of hitting family & friends up for wrapping paper & candy bars. :indifferent:

Sincerely,

Lose my Pin number :explode:

Dear Rush Hour Drivers:

While on the highway, feel free to ride as close to my bumper as you like. I drive a Jeep Cherokee and feel safe in the knowledge that if I have to suddenly stop it is YOU who will taste my bumper while I will feel only a slight bump.

H.O.W.E.V.E.R.---

When we make it into downtown and pedestrians are in the crosswalks, do not DARE test me when I STOP to allow them to walk. Not only is it the STATE frickin' LAW to allow pedestrians to cross in the crosswalk when THEY HAVE RIGHT OF WAY, but it's also just kinda POLITE to allow them to cross when they are in the 19* frigid wind tunnels of downtown and we are warm and snuggly in our heated vehicles.

My mama taught me manners AND common sense. Doesn't look like I can say the same for yours.


Signed,
The Only Polite Driver Left in this City

Yeah! We need a whole lot more drivers like Lauryn.

Signed,
A pedestrian who appreciates drivers like Lauryn.

I love this!!!! :laugh: And, I *totally* need it right now. :grumble:


Dear People Living at my House,

Ya know... when you said you'd be living with us temporarily, I believed you. When you brought home apartment guides, housing guides and looked into rental and utility assistance, I was willing to help you. When Social Services came to my house, I was very unhappy, but still . . . I knew you'd be out and on your own soon, so I didn't worry too much.

After a year of taking up MY living room and MY kitchen and MY downstairs bathroom and MY laundry room and MY pantry and MY fridge and MY stove and MY hall closet and TWO of MY storage rooms... you're no closer to getting your own place than you were when we started. I have been nice this entire time and now... it's time. I need you gone. My boyfriend and I need our whole house, not just the upstairs part of it. Your mother sits on our futon day-in and day-out and is in obvious need of continuous medical care. It's called a nursing home... don't feel bad, she wants to go to "where the doctor's live." She said so. And you... you need to get a job. You didn't take the job in walking distance from our house because "something better will come along."

Your husband isn't coming back, you're not going to win the lottery (please quit wasting your poor mother's money on that), you're not going to magically get a management position somewhere (you can't even manage to get your butt off my couch) and I am not okay with you being in my house anymore. :explode:

Please just leave.

Sincerely,
Your Son's Loving Girlfriend

P.S. - Don't let the door hit ya on the way out.



Dear Boyfriend,

I love you. I love your family.

I just don't love them all day, every day.

Seriously, they need to get out of my house.

Now.

Love,
Your Very Patient Girlfriend

Dearest Emily,
I know this is a big change for you, but the potty is where you have to go pee-pee and poo-poo now. I know it seems like a big old pain in the you know what now, but you will soon see it's better than stinky old diapers. Mommy really needs you to be on board with this transition as she has had enough of cleaning up other peoples rear-ends. Please Please please stop wizzing on the floor, my couch, and your chair! We can get through this together.

Love,
Mommy

Dear cmriverside,

As I stated earlier, your av is still creeping me out. As is the PM you sent me earlier.

Signed,
Scared out of her pants in Ohio

p.s. Sorry about all those fundraisers...could I interest you in a timeshare?

:indifferent:

Dear cmriverside,

As I stated earlier, your av is still creeping me out. As is the PM you sent me earlier.

Signed,
Scared out of her pants in Ohio

p.s. Sorry about all those fundraisers...could I interest you in a timeshare?

:indifferent:

:laugh: :laugh: .....got anything in Vegas, Florida, or the Caribbean? Mexico would be okay, too. Or Belize?

My av is not creepy. :noway: SOME people like it. You don't have to look.

Dear Daughter's School,

Could it be possible to go one freakin week without some sort of fund raiser??? Believe it or not, we have bills of our own that we really do need to pay and I'm getting sick of being your ATM machine.

I know times are tough, but I'm sick of hitting family & friends up for wrapping paper & candy bars. :indifferent:

Sincerely,

Lose my Pin number :explode:

Dear Every One of My Stinkin Friends With Children, (not you Shannon - you just reminded me...)

I pay my taxes. Some of you are living off my taxes. You know who you are. So I am paying for EVERYTHING in your life including your two new cars (mine is a '99), your three new TVs (I have one TV- you already HAD seven - WTF?) Your two new computers in the last year, your boat, your camper, your Chevy Blazer you don't even use. Why don't you sell some of this stuff instead of living off the gov't - i.e. ME and my taxes. You have State-paid insurance for your whole family that is better than my $300-a-month individual (paid by ME) insurance. You are WELCOME.

I digress. STOP emailing and texting me with all your stupid "PayForMyKidsStuff" fundraisers scams. And I could care less about your sister's friend's mother's aunt's kids fundraisers, too. I don't need any frikkin Girl Scout Cookies. I have more wrapping paper than I can use in a lifetime. Chocolate is just mean at this point. And I don't want to "adopt" any more of your friends friends as "needy" Christmas families. Stop trying to make me feel guilty. It is only making me mad.

"Loose" my phone number and email.

Signed,
"Not on the Dole."

bwahahahahaha!!! :laugh: :laugh:

I laff (:grumble: ) because I've got $50 worth of chocolate bars on my kitchen table I've got to pawn off. :explode:

Most of my family is diabetic and most of my friends are cyber! :embarassed: I'll have those d@mn bars in my refridge till Labor Day!

Dear adorable little chihuahua puppy that I inherited from my daughter 'cause you too ugly to live with her,

I know it is cold outside. I know your little tooter could actually freeze to the ground. But for the love of pete could you please stop taking a dookie in my bathroom, even after I just let you out. Just because I do it in the toilet doesn't mean you do it in front of the toilet. Perhaps if you could figure out how to climb up and get it in the toilet I wouldn't mind as much. But you are only as big as a mouse, and you can't do it. I don't care that it is the size of a tootie roll. It is gross and we have to figure out another way to do this, despite your cuteness and your big tear filled eyes.

Signed,
Your chitter picker upper.

P.S.,, the big dog asked me to remind you to quit humping her nonstop, she isn't interested.

Dear cmriverside,

As I stated earlier, your av is still creeping me out. As is the PM you sent me earlier.

Signed,
Scared out of her pants in Ohio

p.s. Sorry about all those fundraisers...could I interest you in a timeshare?

:indifferent:

woo who! and I thought I was the only one!:laugh: :noway: I think it's unique:noway: , sorta like a floating face in a box, until you open it up and then you see her curlers, then all is right with the world again, she appears normal.:ohwell:

just saying is all.....:bigsmile:

Thank you, Ms.Puppy.

See babybottom? :laugh: ---er babybeans

I think she's mysterious...and I rather like that about her! Only one things bugs me though...I keep being reminded of WIlly Wonka when I look at her and I have no clue why!:noway: :huh: :bigsmile:

Ok, chocolate is just mean at this point :sad: :laugh: The av is from "Almost Famous" my fave movie. :happy: :flowerforyou:

Dear cmriverside,

As I stated earlier, your av is still creeping me out. As is the PM you sent me earlier.

Signed,
Scared out of her pants in Ohio

p.s. Sorry about all those fundraisers...could I interest you in a timeshare?

:indifferent:

woo who! and I thought I was the only one!:laugh: :noway: I think it's unique:noway: , sorta like a floating face in a box, until you open it up and then you see her curlers, then all is right with the world again, she appears normal.:ohwell:

just saying is all.....:bigsmile:

Thank you, Ms.Puppy.

See babybottom? :laugh: ---er babybeans

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: sorry Beansy but...that baby bottom comment has me crackin up here:laugh:

Dear unsupportive husband,
I come down hard enough on myself and I don't really need any more help in that department. I realize you work very hard at what you do, but despite what you think I'm not lazy or stupid. I don't need you giving me directions about every little thing I do. I am not a child! :mad: I am perfectly capable of driving, cleaning and taking care of business. I survived 25 years before you came along just fine, and if you push it i'll make it 25 more with out you. I love you, but you need to pull your head out of your own butt!

Your loving wife


Dear Mom,
Thanks so much for your support and unconditional love. I take everything back I said about you when I was a teenager.:flowerforyou:

Your grateful daughter.