Did you lose your Lover/Spouse/S.O AFTER you loss weight???
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When I was married he came home from deployment and was angry I'd gained weight again from pregnancy. So I lost 70 lbs and then he was angry that I'd lost weight. Then I found out he had cheated on me.1
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bearbugbear wrote: »My wife and I both lost weight this year. She lost about 30lbs and I've lost about 50.. For her, yes the relationship went south.. Possibly her new found attention was to much to handle... Be wise with your new look
Sorry to hear that, sounds like you've had a difficult adjustment as a couple but congratulations on your weight loss, both of you.
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PowerMan40 wrote: »Is it really cocky or is it just that your personal view of yourself has improved along with your pride in accomplishments, which gave you a boost in your self confidence. You start holding you head higher, and people notice your body language has changed. You start being friendly and smiling. Sooner or later you start attracting the same kind of people who are friendly and smile.
The other person who sees these changes become jealous of your success, and the positive changes, and becomes resentful.
I agree 99% of your theory...but I do believe it is 1% of people that are feeling themselves on a whole 'nother level. I believe there are some people that lose a ton of weight and realize they do not have to be with their 'big' partner anymore because their male/female pool has increased. I do believe that some of them have more opportunities open up to them than before and they are no longer 'humble' but are complete arrogant....I do think those people exist, but I believe it is a very small percentage. The same thing happens sometimes with a great career shift.2 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »PowerMan40 wrote: »Is it really cocky or is it just that your personal view of yourself has improved along with your pride in accomplishments, which gave you a boost in your self confidence. You start holding you head higher, and people notice your body language has changed. You start being friendly and smiling. Sooner or later you start attracting the same kind of people who are friendly and smile.
The other person who sees these changes become jealous of your success, and the positive changes, and becomes resentful.
I agree 99% of your theory...but I do believe it is 1% of people that are feeling themselves on a whole 'nother level. I believe there are some people that lose a ton of weight and realize they do not have to be with their 'big' partner anymore because their male/female pool has increased. I do believe that some of them have more opportunities open up to them than before and they are no longer 'humble' but are complete arrogant....I do think those people exist, but I believe it is a very small percentage. The same thing happens sometimes with a great career shift.
Eh I'd say that it happens more than you think.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »PowerMan40 wrote: »Is it really cocky or is it just that your personal view of yourself has improved along with your pride in accomplishments, which gave you a boost in your self confidence. You start holding you head higher, and people notice your body language has changed. You start being friendly and smiling. Sooner or later you start attracting the same kind of people who are friendly and smile.
The other person who sees these changes become jealous of your success, and the positive changes, and becomes resentful.
I agree 99% of your theory...but I do believe it is 1% of people that are feeling themselves on a whole 'nother level. I believe there are some people that lose a ton of weight and realize they do not have to be with their 'big' partner anymore because their male/female pool has increased. I do believe that some of them have more opportunities open up to them than before and they are no longer 'humble' but are complete arrogant....I do think those people exist, but I believe it is a very small percentage. The same thing happens sometimes with a great career shift.
This goes back to our discussion on assuming the relationship is healthy and both in it are good people. A good person, after being successful, would try and help their partner.
This also shakes the foundation of unconditional love.
If only negative people knew the level of damage they inflict.0 -
I totally agree. Hurt people hurt people.STLBADGIRL wrote: »PowerMan40 wrote: »Is it really cocky or is it just that your personal view of yourself has improved along with your pride in accomplishments, which gave you a boost in your self confidence. You start holding you head higher, and people notice your body language has changed. You start being friendly and smiling. Sooner or later you start attracting the same kind of people who are friendly and smile.
The other person who sees these changes become jealous of your success, and the positive changes, and becomes resentful.
I agree 99% of your theory...but I do believe it is 1% of people that are feeling themselves on a whole 'nother level. I believe there are some people that lose a ton of weight and realize they do not have to be with their 'big' partner anymore because their male/female pool has increased. I do believe that some of them have more opportunities open up to them than before and they are no longer 'humble' but are complete arrogant....I do think those people exist, but I believe it is a very small percentage. The same thing happens sometimes with a great career shift.
This goes back to our discussion on assuming the relationship is healthy and both in it are good people. A good person, after being successful, would try and help their partner.
This also shakes the foundation of unconditional love.
If only negative people knew the level of damage they inflict.
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I did.
I was over 200lbs and married to an emotional abusive narcissistic control freak. As I worked on loosing weight he started becoming angry with me about anything related to me being healthy. Weighing and logging food was me being "addicted" to my phone and it was an unhealthy way to live. Going to the gym was an inconvenience to him, mind you I went while he slept at 6am. Eating smaller portions since he cooked was "ruining his life". Asking him to cut back on butter, oil, and such was a fight. Asking him to cook in multiple pans so I could portion myself my food was the end of the world. I couldn't keep going. As a recovering alcoholic he drove me back to drinking. I couldn't deal with him anymore and snapped.
My health was more important to me then my marriage. My migraines with stroke symptoms were gone, my cardio was so much healthier. I could walk up and down steps without wheezing. I wasn't giving that up for someone who didn't even care enough about my health to help me with it.8 -
sunflowerhippi wrote: »I did.
I was over 200lbs and married to an emotional abusive narcissistic control freak. As I worked on loosing weight he started becoming angry with me about anything related to me being healthy. Weighing and logging food was me being "addicted" to my phone and it was an unhealthy way to live. Going to the gym was an inconvenience to him, mind you I went while he slept at 6am. Eating smaller portions since he cooked was "ruining his life". Asking him to cut back on butter, oil, and such was a fight. Asking him to cook in multiple pans so I could portion myself my food was the end of the world. I couldn't keep going. As a recovering alcoholic he drove me back to drinking. I couldn't deal with him anymore and snapped.
My health was more important to me then my marriage. My migraines with stroke symptoms were gone, my cardio was so much healthier. I could walk up and down steps without wheezing. I wasn't giving that up for someone who didn't even care enough about my health to help me with it.
Wow.....I am happy that you chose YOU in this scenario. It's unfortunate that you had to make that choice, but like the OP said negative people do not know the level of damage they inflict. And some people are so reluctant to change, even if it is good.1 -
bearbugbear wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »I really hoped losing weight would make me more attractive to my husband but it hasn't helped. He's not the only reason I'm losing but I'm heartbroken it hasn't worked. I just want to be desired by him.
I don't know how I overlooked this. This tugged at my heartstrings. The first thing that came to my mind was for you to pray for your husband. Continue your weightloss journey (because staying focused on a goal is sexy in itself). But there could be other demanding issues that he is dealing with (finances, job, kids, etc.) that could affect him and come off as him not being attracted to you! Build your confidence, self worth and self esteem. Hugs!
Thank you for your kind words. Sadly he's just not attracted to me, he told me recently that he never desired me (even when we met before three children and weight gain) I'm devastated but I'm determined to reach my goal, 24lbs to go to healthy weight on bmi, I want to be healthy and a good role model for my children and to feel better about myself even if I can't be sexy for my husband.
There is a great TED talk by Michelle Weiner-Davis on this "The Sex-Starved Marriage". She also authored a book by the same title. She focuses on methods on new strategies to get your spouse to understand the pain this puts you through.
I sincerely doubt that he's not attracted to you. He married you and had children with you not out of apathy, but out of love.1 -
To the struggling couples, here is a thread a posted sometime ago. Check it out. A lot of the couples are succeeding in weight loss together....Hopefully this could lend you some inspiration and hope!!!!
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1206135/couples-post-your-success-pictures-and-or-story/p1
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Thanks CSARdiver but unfortunately it's too late for us, as of yesterday I'm officially single after 10 years, though it's nothing to do with sex or weight loss. Completely and utterly heartbroken.2
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bearbugbear wrote: »Thanks CSARdiver but unfortunately it's too late for us, as of yesterday I'm officially single after 10 years, though it's nothing to do with sex or weight loss. Completely and utterly heartbroken.
Oh my! How are you holding up??? I hope you are in a good head space. <<<<hugs>>>> My intentions were to check in on this group this morning, but i got caught up doing other things!!!!1 -
@bearbugbear and continue to focus on your fitness and personal goals.... Do not let this set you back.1
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I'm not bearing up well, holding it together for the sake of my children but as soon as I dropped them all off at school/preschool I sobbed in the car park! I'm not sure I'll be able to continue running as much for a while but I'll stay on track with my diet, although today has been pretty appalling. Our family is reeling but I hope to grasp stability soon.2
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If dieting causes problems then there was an issue before the weight loss. Just my opinion and experience from life itself.2
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bearbugbear wrote: »Thanks CSARdiver but unfortunately it's too late for us, as of yesterday I'm officially single after 10 years, though it's nothing to do with sex or weight loss. Completely and utterly heartbroken.
I am truly sorry to hear this. I know you are trying to be strong for your children, but allow them to be strong for you as well, especially now. Now is the time to rally your friends and family.
Best regards to you.2 -
bearbugbear wrote: »Thanks CSARdiver but unfortunately it's too late for us, as of yesterday I'm officially single after 10 years, though it's nothing to do with sex or weight loss. Completely and utterly heartbroken.
I am truly sorry to hear this. I know you are trying to be strong for your children, but allow them to be strong for you as well, especially now. Now is the time to rally your friends and family.
Best regards to you.
Good advice. Very good advice.1 -
bearbugbear wrote: »I'm not bearing up well, holding it together for the sake of my children but as soon as I dropped them all off at school/preschool I sobbed in the car park! I'm not sure I'll be able to continue running as much for a while but I'll stay on track with my diet, although today has been pretty appalling. Our family is reeling but I hope to grasp stability soon.
@bearbugbear Checking in on your Hun. I hope you are surrounding yourself around people that love you unconditionally and that can support you! And don't let the things that went on in your marriage cause you to have self doubt or esteem problems!!!!0 -
bearbugbear wrote: »Thanks CSARdiver but unfortunately it's too late for us, as of yesterday I'm officially single after 10 years, though it's nothing to do with sex or weight loss. Completely and utterly heartbroken.
I'm sorry
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Having a pretty terrible time but staying string for my children.0
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littlemissbgiff wrote: »bearbugbear wrote: »Having a pretty terrible time but staying string for my children.
We've never interacted here and you don't know me but I've read your story here and I have been in similar shoes. I need you to know that it's hard right now and it will be for some time. But I also need you to know that you will come out of this a better woman and a better mother. You will look back one day and be amazed at your own strength. Above that, you will learn so much about yourself that you never knew. Sweetie you deserve to have in life, exactly what you want in life. You will learn what you want not what you will settle for and you will find it. The road is long and arduous but you are worth it. Your children are worth it. Promise. Hugs.
I completely agree with this. I too have been there and I know it feels like you're drowning right now . But gradually things will settle and you will realize how much better off you are without him. The universe will align and you will get the happiness you deserve. Much love to you.1 -
Wow these are some sad stories oO i cant imagine my relationship ending just cause I lost weight. If anything , he started eating better and taking interest in training as well ! He always supported me , always told me that I am the most beautiful woman , even when overweight and always celebrates my accomplishments whether they are weight related or not. Those people who leave their spouse after losing weight never loved them in the first place. And honestly leaving your SO just because you now lost weight and 'deserve' better shows how much of a selfish person you are for making someone else waste their time with you and making someone else feel like *kitten*.No offence to anyone3
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bearbugbear wrote: »Having a pretty terrible time but staying string for my children.
I would also add to lean on your network of online friends. There is a unique bond formed with people online that in many ways can be stronger than "real life" relationships.
I have a female friend who was in your situation and married to a narcissist. This wasn't really apparent in the beginning, but as time went on things got worse until they finally divorced. In many ways both emerged stronger - not that this wasn't extremely painful at times. He is now a much better father than he ever was before and recognizes his role in the marriage - or lack thereof. She is now much closer to her family than ever before and finally close to her mother.
Hug your kids more than ever!0 -
bearbugbear wrote: »Having a pretty terrible time but staying string for my children.
I would also add to lean on your network of online friends. There is a unique bond formed with people online that in many ways can be stronger than "real life" relationships.
I have a female friend who was in your situation and married to a narcissist. This wasn't really apparent in the beginning, but as time went on things got worse until they finally divorced. In many ways both emerged stronger - not that this wasn't extremely painful at times. He is now a much better father than he ever was before and recognizes his role in the marriage - or lack thereof. She is now much closer to her family than ever before and finally close to her mother.
Hug your kids more than ever!
A narcissist doesn't change, unless it ceases to benefit them; in a soul crushing way. Meaning when he lost her, he lost his soulmate & thus he has to settle for, someone whom's 2nd rate; to her!2 -
You all are giving good advice for @bearbugbear.... Kudos to you all for speaking hope and positive things to her when she feels like the walls are crumbling in....0
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Thank you so much, I really appreciate the support here. I haven't told people in real life yet because I'm not sure how to approach it and I don't want to cause problems for my husband but I will begin to let people I love in as soon as I can. You're all wonderful.6
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bearbugbear wrote: »Having a pretty terrible time but staying string for my children.
I don't know if it's the good play.
I grew up without seeing my parents show any affection for each other... I don't really like the idea of my kids growing up in the same situation and thinking it's 'normal' and that long term couples who still love each other after 10+ years only happen on TV.
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