Boyfriends standards of weight?
Options
Replies
-
elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.25 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
So much this!5 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »samanthaluangphixay wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
Gif aside....you need to get out. Someone who likes making you cry is not worth sticking around for, even if he has his 'good days'. That's just his way to getting you to stick around for more abuse.
The sad thing is that I realise this, my instincts tell me this and I realise that I'm trapped in an unhealthy cycle yet I can't bring myself to leave, I'm trying to find an easy way to fix all of this.
It's going to be hard but it will be a good kind of hard. You will be SO much better off without him. You can leave and start fresh. It's going to suck for a little bit because he's kind of all you know (it being your first relationship and all) but you deserve more.
You do not deserve to be stuck in this hellish relationship with him. He makes it sound like you do, but that's because he is a toxic person who thrives on the fact that you haven't stood up to him. This is all kinds of wrong.
I commend you for coming out to talk about this because it is a hard subject to talk about, and I guess you do have the anonymity of the web, but we're telling you to leave because we know how this generally plays out and it's never a happy ending.4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
By apologizing he knows it'll keep you around, thinking it's going to get better. Until the next time.
This is classic abusive behavior.13 -
WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.3 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
This is just him manipulating you. Yes, people can fake these kinds of things. He's keeping you hooked because he needs to do these things to someone and you're there and you give him his canvas.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
First of all, thank you for commenting so much on this discussion, I have seen your name appear on it quite a lot, I appreciate that you are taking the time to give your opinion on something that doesn't affect you.
How am I supposed to build up to doing that? With my one past (not serious relationship) the guy cheated on me, I stayed with him for a couple of months until my feelings completely disappeared and then I left him. With this one that's not happening because my feelings are much stronger.0 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.
Don't do this. Please. Just leave. Disappear. Change your number, change your social media and leave.10 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow...kudos for you for finding the strength!!!! OP I hope you are listening.2 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
He also doesn't wish to seek professional help, he doesn't want to take medications because he has been on them before and they make him a shell of a person and extremely depressed. He becomes a robot and it's really sad to watch.0 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.
In this type of scenario the abuser will find any item they can use to keep you tied to them. (Going to school, etc) Did he have a plan for when you were going to move to another country? Did you discuss a timeline? Someday is never in most abusive relationships. It keeps hope there that you can get what you wanted. It will never happen, even if you won the powerball. Why can't you find a job there first? Have you saved up enough to enroll? You can make your own way, you do not need him.6 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
First of all, thank you for commenting so much on this discussion, I have seen your name appear on it quite a lot, I appreciate that you are taking the time to give your opinion on something that doesn't affect you.
How am I supposed to build up to doing that? With my one past (not serious relationship) the guy cheated on me, I stayed with him for a couple of months until my feelings completely disappeared and then I left him. With this one that's not happening because my feelings are much stronger.
I never said it would be easy, but do yourself the favor and leave. There are better guys out there.4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
He also doesn't wish to seek professional help, he doesn't want to take medications because he has been on them before and they make him a shell of a person and extremely depressed. He becomes a robot and it's really sad to watch.
So he won't get help, won't take responsibility for his issues, and you bear the brunt of it. That's not right, or fair. Think about that - how utterly selfish of him. He won't take medication because he doesn't like who he becomes when he's on it, but he's perfectly happy being a nasty, cruel little boy who attacks his girlfriend.5 -
Five step plan for getting away:
1. Put some cash aside
2. Find a friend that will let you move in for what you can afford in rent
3. Move in with friend
4. Lose your phone
5. Lose any public sites he knows you on (IE Facebook, Twitter, etc) as well as any email addresses
6. Profit14 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.7 -
I know a lot of people have responded but I thought I would add my two cents as well. When I was 18 I was in a relationship with someone that I loved despite his flaws and I defended him to my family to the point that I avoided them to not feel their judgement, even knowing they just wanted me to be with someone I deserved. He never hit me and for some reason I thought that meant it wasn't abusive and I stayed way too long. I stayed long enough that I was completely broken down, depressed, and isolated. I did eventually end the relationship but I was so ashamed at how long I had stayed and how much I had tolerated that it took awhile and counselling to recover.
I am currently obese and my husband is hot, enough so that both men and women comment on it all the time. But I know that he loves and respects me because he behaves in a way that demonstrates it. He is my biggest cheerleader on this journey now but he isn't pushing me, just supporting me, the same way he supports me in my pursuing my degree and a better job.
There are countless fabulous people out there. You need to give yourself permission to be happy and know that you deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect.
It was hard to leave that first guy but more than 15 years later it is still one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I am happy and I wasn't then. Trust me when I say its worth it.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
You WILL get over it. And it will probably happen a couple more times in your lifetime, too.
I know you understand where our worry is coming from. It's an unhealthy situation for you to be in. Work on you, he can work on him and just do your thing. You have to know that this is abuse on his part.
It is going to get worse if you decide to stay with him.
I suggest you have that talk with him. Lay it out on the line and tell him he either shapes up or you ship out.
Everything will be ok. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will. I remember my first "real" relationship. I was devastated when we split up even though this guy had abused me verbally and emotionally for 2 years. That was 16 years ago. I look back now and snicker about it, but it was the best thing I ever did getting out of it.
Someday, you will meet your match. And he sure won't treat you like this guy does.
2 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He is manipulating you when he does this.. trying to get you stay... like I said in my PM to you... you have a decision to make and its not gonna be easy.. but you gotta do something for yourself... its either you or Him... what is the choice Ellie...2 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.
There is no "right time" or "right moment" if you wait for it. Do it and don't look back with regret. Learn what you don't have to put up with and look forward. If you really want to study abroad work towards that goal and don't bother with the whole "I need to be in a relationship because.........." mentality.2 -
Just the mere thought of you and him away in a foreign country together, removed from everything that is safe and familiar gives me the chills.14
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 393 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 931 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions