Boyfriends standards of weight?
Replies
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.25 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
So much this!5 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »samanthaluangphixay wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
Gif aside....you need to get out. Someone who likes making you cry is not worth sticking around for, even if he has his 'good days'. That's just his way to getting you to stick around for more abuse.
The sad thing is that I realise this, my instincts tell me this and I realise that I'm trapped in an unhealthy cycle yet I can't bring myself to leave, I'm trying to find an easy way to fix all of this.
It's going to be hard but it will be a good kind of hard. You will be SO much better off without him. You can leave and start fresh. It's going to suck for a little bit because he's kind of all you know (it being your first relationship and all) but you deserve more.
You do not deserve to be stuck in this hellish relationship with him. He makes it sound like you do, but that's because he is a toxic person who thrives on the fact that you haven't stood up to him. This is all kinds of wrong.
I commend you for coming out to talk about this because it is a hard subject to talk about, and I guess you do have the anonymity of the web, but we're telling you to leave because we know how this generally plays out and it's never a happy ending.4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
By apologizing he knows it'll keep you around, thinking it's going to get better. Until the next time.
This is classic abusive behavior.13 -
WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.3 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
This is just him manipulating you. Yes, people can fake these kinds of things. He's keeping you hooked because he needs to do these things to someone and you're there and you give him his canvas.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
First of all, thank you for commenting so much on this discussion, I have seen your name appear on it quite a lot, I appreciate that you are taking the time to give your opinion on something that doesn't affect you.
How am I supposed to build up to doing that? With my one past (not serious relationship) the guy cheated on me, I stayed with him for a couple of months until my feelings completely disappeared and then I left him. With this one that's not happening because my feelings are much stronger.0 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.
Don't do this. Please. Just leave. Disappear. Change your number, change your social media and leave.10 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow...kudos for you for finding the strength!!!! OP I hope you are listening.2 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
He also doesn't wish to seek professional help, he doesn't want to take medications because he has been on them before and they make him a shell of a person and extremely depressed. He becomes a robot and it's really sad to watch.0 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?
No, I don't rely on my boyfriend at the moment, however, he is a big part of my future, I had made plans with him to move to a different country and to apply to a university there, there I would be nearly completely dependent on him until I manage to get a job there. That university is the one that I dreamt of going to and he wanted to make it come true. Having said this now I'm slightly sceptical about going because of how things are now.
In this type of scenario the abuser will find any item they can use to keep you tied to them. (Going to school, etc) Did he have a plan for when you were going to move to another country? Did you discuss a timeline? Someday is never in most abusive relationships. It keeps hope there that you can get what you wanted. It will never happen, even if you won the powerball. Why can't you find a job there first? Have you saved up enough to enroll? You can make your own way, you do not need him.6 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
First of all, thank you for commenting so much on this discussion, I have seen your name appear on it quite a lot, I appreciate that you are taking the time to give your opinion on something that doesn't affect you.
How am I supposed to build up to doing that? With my one past (not serious relationship) the guy cheated on me, I stayed with him for a couple of months until my feelings completely disappeared and then I left him. With this one that's not happening because my feelings are much stronger.
I never said it would be easy, but do yourself the favor and leave. There are better guys out there.4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.
He also doesn't wish to seek professional help, he doesn't want to take medications because he has been on them before and they make him a shell of a person and extremely depressed. He becomes a robot and it's really sad to watch.
So he won't get help, won't take responsibility for his issues, and you bear the brunt of it. That's not right, or fair. Think about that - how utterly selfish of him. He won't take medication because he doesn't like who he becomes when he's on it, but he's perfectly happy being a nasty, cruel little boy who attacks his girlfriend.5 -
Five step plan for getting away:
1. Put some cash aside
2. Find a friend that will let you move in for what you can afford in rent
3. Move in with friend
4. Lose your phone
5. Lose any public sites he knows you on (IE Facebook, Twitter, etc) as well as any email addresses
6. Profit14 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.7 -
I know a lot of people have responded but I thought I would add my two cents as well. When I was 18 I was in a relationship with someone that I loved despite his flaws and I defended him to my family to the point that I avoided them to not feel their judgement, even knowing they just wanted me to be with someone I deserved. He never hit me and for some reason I thought that meant it wasn't abusive and I stayed way too long. I stayed long enough that I was completely broken down, depressed, and isolated. I did eventually end the relationship but I was so ashamed at how long I had stayed and how much I had tolerated that it took awhile and counselling to recover.
I am currently obese and my husband is hot, enough so that both men and women comment on it all the time. But I know that he loves and respects me because he behaves in a way that demonstrates it. He is my biggest cheerleader on this journey now but he isn't pushing me, just supporting me, the same way he supports me in my pursuing my degree and a better job.
There are countless fabulous people out there. You need to give yourself permission to be happy and know that you deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect.
It was hard to leave that first guy but more than 15 years later it is still one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I am happy and I wasn't then. Trust me when I say its worth it.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
You WILL get over it. And it will probably happen a couple more times in your lifetime, too.
I know you understand where our worry is coming from. It's an unhealthy situation for you to be in. Work on you, he can work on him and just do your thing. You have to know that this is abuse on his part.
It is going to get worse if you decide to stay with him.
I suggest you have that talk with him. Lay it out on the line and tell him he either shapes up or you ship out.
Everything will be ok. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will. I remember my first "real" relationship. I was devastated when we split up even though this guy had abused me verbally and emotionally for 2 years. That was 16 years ago. I look back now and snicker about it, but it was the best thing I ever did getting out of it.
Someday, you will meet your match. And he sure won't treat you like this guy does.
2 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He is manipulating you when he does this.. trying to get you stay... like I said in my PM to you... you have a decision to make and its not gonna be easy.. but you gotta do something for yourself... its either you or Him... what is the choice Ellie...2 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.
There is no "right time" or "right moment" if you wait for it. Do it and don't look back with regret. Learn what you don't have to put up with and look forward. If you really want to study abroad work towards that goal and don't bother with the whole "I need to be in a relationship because.........." mentality.2 -
Just the mere thought of you and him away in a foreign country together, removed from everything that is safe and familiar gives me the chills.14
-
snickerscharlie wrote: »Just the mere thought of you and him away in a foreign country together, removed from everything that is safe and familiar gives me the chills.
Me too. That is scary and exactly what he probably wants.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Hi guys!
I have a slight problem here, I started losing weight a week ago because I weighed myself in front of my boyfriend for the same time and I weighed 66.4kg while he weighed 70kg.
He instantly started complaining about how he doesn't want his girlfriend to weigh nearly as much as him and how he wants me to weigh less. This is the first time he has ever said anything negative about my weight, I'm 5'8" and slightly chubby. However, I had been thinking about losing a bit of weight for some time so I allowed him to say that and reduced my calories, started eating healthy and exercising.
Ever since then all he does everyday is tell me that I'm still fat and need to lose more (I'm not fat, I'm chubby, my BMI is healthy and I'm a size 10/12).
Whenever I tell him that I'm cooking he tells me to watch what I eat, I just informed him that I lost two kilograms in a week and he told me that I need to lose at least 10? We have been in a relationship for 2 years and meanwhile his standards are really high to the point of being unfair, they never have physically.
I feel as if when I get the body I want I will resent him for only being attractive to such a slim body, he said that it's a "fair exchange" because he has a "hot" body???
While his body is nice, he has a normal body, nothing extraordinary and I felt quite offended by it.
How do I get over this problem? It's really bugging me. Oh, he also gets like this with other things such as my intelligence, calling me a retard, idiot,etc.
How should I solve all of this?
(No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)
Sorry hun, the only answer is to leave him. If you don't value yourself, he never will and if you stay with him you will constantly be posting posts like this one. You deserve better!3 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.
There is no "right time" or "right moment" if you wait for it. Do it and don't look back with regret. Learn what you don't have to put up with and look forward. If you really want to study abroad work towards that goal and don't bother with the whole "I need to be in a relationship because.........." mentality.
I am not in the relationship with him because of that, it's just what I had been planning my life on and I hadn't really developed another alternative such as a plan B in case this didn't work out, it was/is quite naive of me now that I come to think of it.0 -
This guy is a *kitten* and you can do better.
My boyfriend knows how much bigger I am than him, and he knows my goals to lose weight. When I am victorious, he celebrates with me. When I decided to lose weight he told me that the only way me losing weight would make me any more beautiful to him is if it would make me smile more. And damn it, it does.9 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)
I don't mind, I really hope you can learn from my mistakes, I unfortunately took way too long to leave.
First, I had to realize it for what it was. Abuse, plain and simple. He was abusing me and your guy is abusing you. And as others have said, it goes from emotional to physical REALLY quickly.
Second, to admit it WILL NOT get better. Because it didn't, and it won't for you either. He will NOT get better, I can not emphasize that enough. Do not hold out for something that will not happen. He will never be the guy that you initially fell for again. He will only get WORSE. Again, I can not emphasize that enough.
OP, do NOT stick around until the physical abuse starts, I promise you, NO ONE is worth enduring that. It's really, really hard, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was DEFINITELY the best, you have to break it off. Because of the nature of the relationship, I did not do it in private because I didn't trust myself or him in that kind of a setting but I told him it was over. That's even how I said it, I just said it's over. He will probably freak out to some extent (I know mine did), he may try to win you back. DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT. Do NOT believe anything he says because he will tell you all kinds of lies to get you back under his control. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. Be firm on this. Walk away. It'll hurt for a little while, yes, but not nearly as much as it hurts if you stay.
Wow, you sound like you're a strong person. I have come to terms with the first one but I'm struggling with the second one at the moment. I feel as if I'm not ready to leave yet, but I guess that there will never be the right moment, I'll have to make it for myself. You are truly inspiring for me, I am really glad that things worked out for you and that you have an amazing husband! If this problem ever gets fixed one way or another, I would like you to know now that you have helped me just by telling me how you got through it all and that there's a possibility of having a better life.
Thank you so much for that.
There is no "right time" or "right moment" if you wait for it. Do it and don't look back with regret. Learn what you don't have to put up with and look forward. If you really want to study abroad work towards that goal and don't bother with the whole "I need to be in a relationship because.........." mentality.
I am not in the relationship with him because of that, it's just what I had been planning my life on and I hadn't really developed another alternative such as a plan B in case this didn't work out, it was/is quite naive of me now that I come to think of it.
Always have a Plan B and a Plan C... and sometimes a plan D.3 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Yeah, I definitely don't agree with the tit-for-tat thing. At its best, stooping to his level is never a solution, at worst it can aggravate the matter.
I get first love. I get not wanting to give up. I get wanting to fix it. I get seeing the good in someone, and loving the good times.
But this guy is abusive and manipulative. He's not just verbally abusive, he is deliberately undermining your self worth to keep you beholden to him. He manipulates you - the way he gets oh-so-hurt when you call him out for being an asshat? That's carefully contrived to make you feel bad so you don't call him out again, and make you want to do things to keep him happy.
Personality disorder only goes so far as an excuse. And he sounds like he is using it as an excuse to just keep behaving the same awful way he does. He sounds narcissistic, self centred and cruel.
Let me put this to you. You don't want to give up, you want to stay with him. What's down the track? Do you want kids? If so, are you going to be cool with him speaking to you like this when you're pregnant? Criticising you for swollen ankles and stretch marks? What about when you do have kids? Will you stand by as their mother while their dad tears them down?
Even without kids in the picture, he isn't going to change. He has no reason to. He can speak to you like this and you think that you're the problem and start looking for ways to fix it. He's already got you believing that you're the problem, when that's so far from the truth.
THIS.
I was in a terrible relationship at 24 yo., my first boyfriend. Everybody could see we were not right for each other. He would want me to gain weight cause I was too skinny. He wanted me to dress like a streetwalker. He cheated on me, many times. Once I caught them. But....I thought I was in love, and I promised myself that I would never leave him, because when you are in love you work things out. It took him leaving me and marrying someone else before the fog lifted. I eventually got therapy.
So what is he doing to work things out with you? Sounds like you a rowing this boat alone. All the signs are there, but you are afraid to do anything about it, because you are afraid to be alone. Moving out at age 15....sounds like you had a hard life at some point, enough to move out of your caregiver's house. You found someone who gives you the same kind of pain your family of origin or caregivers gave you. It's familiar, and that's why you stay.
It's not really love but you call it that to justify the pain you're in. You both are enabling one another. You have your own issues and need to seek counseling yourself.
9 -
The only one you can control in this relationship is you.
I'm not sure what is keeping you from ending the relationship, but I would strongly encourage you to see a counselor or therapist--not to change your boyfriend, but to understand what's going on with you. The fact that you're willing to let him belittle you on an ongoing basis is a warning sign that you need some real support.
If you live together, please consider a separation. This kind of verbal abuse and bullying can ramp up to physical violence shockingly fast.
I understand it can be hard to go out on your own, but ask yourself this: Does this behavior make you feel sad and lonely even when you're together? I'm betting it does.
Please do what it takes to take care of yourself.
5 -
Oh honey. He's not worth it. @elliebrierleyz
You need to find happiness away from him. This man is not a gentleman, only thinks of himself and is out to hurt you. No man worth anything will say anything to upset his woman. Trust me. He's a piece of sht.
I was must like you at your age. I was with a guy who started off great, We got engaged, and he then gradually became verbally abusive. I shrugged it off and took his *kitten* because I thought I was in love. BAD MISTAKE. He put me down, cheated on me, said anything he could to purposely upset me (and yes, he did say something similar to me regarding weight). I didn't see it like this, because I was blinded by his nice moments. He became even more abusive to the point he was violent with me. He gave me bruises, broke bones, broke my spirit, drugged me to have his way with me. He made me cry. He made me ill. He made me hurt myself. He brought the worse out in me. He made me hate myself on so many levels to the point where it took me YEARS to recover from that abuse. YEARS. It was NOT worth sticking around for the time I did. I broke free because I valued my LIFE. You may not think your relationship is going that way, but I didn't thin that back then, either...and look where it got me? He had his sweet moments, and told me that he loved me dearly. I was a deer caught in the headlights. A man that hurts someone like that does NOT love anyone but himself dearly.
I met my now husband when I was 260lbs and today am nearly 100bs lighter. He loves me as much as he did (perhaps more, as we've grown with each other). My husband doesn't see me as weight or an embarrassment like your boyfriend sees you. He sees me for who I am inside. He sees me as an artist, a strong woman, a gamer, a vet. He helped me to grow into the strong, confident women who won't take a single ounce of *kitten* from anyone. He helped me to see that I am a valuable person and deserve to live.
Run far, far away from this *kitten*. Run far away and find someone who you can be best friends AND lovers with. Someone who won't make you feel any less than you are.
You deserve to be happy, but you won't find that with him. TRUST ME before it is TOO LATE.
Don't lose weight for anyone buy you and your health. EFF that noise. Stand up for yourself.14 -
The perfect guy who will treat you right is out there, but he can't find you while you are wasting time with this loser.
Get out, take care of yourself, work on regaining your strength and confidence. Live your life doing what is best for you. One day when you least expect it, you'll meet the guy who is right for you.4 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »Just the mere thought of you and him away in a foreign country together, removed from everything that is safe and familiar gives me the chills.
Quoting this to highlight it again.
OP, you can still do these things, on your own and you will be stronger for it. But I agree with Snickerscharlie here. If you feel scared and stuck now, imagine what that will feel like when you are in a foreign country and isolated from friends, family, and anything familiar. Getting tied in this much to a guy who has shown that he wants to control and manipulate you at the cost to your own mental health is not someone that you want to be relying on for anything, much less for everything. This makes me scared for you. You can still find a way to go, just do it without him.4
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