Boyfriends standards of weight?
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Dont be like me...my life is a nightmare...it starts with words...slowly chips at your self worth til there's nothing left7
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Okay I'm going to teach you the most important phrase I have learned in my life kiss my *kitten* insert name here and then find someone that will appreciate you for you1
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There's more to this situation than weight. He only used the scale episode to start showing his bad side which you probably hadn't seen before.
You can lose the weight for you, but forget about him.1 -
My wife is about 40lbs overweight - and she is all kinds of awesome and beautiful. OP - if your ....significant other...I almost said 'man', but a man doesn't treat his partner like dirt ....if your SO can't even show basic decency then you need to leave. That's nothing but hurt upon hurt waiting for you. I hope you make the right decision before you're hurt even worse.
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@Leaz947 how is everything going? Are you and the boyfriend still on the break? How's he handling that? Are you guys communicating at all?
Lots of people invested time to share their stories and give you advice and will want to hear how things are going. Many people care about you and what you're going through and will want to hear that you are safe. Please update this thread when you are able.5 -
samanthaluangphixay wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
Gif aside....you need to get out. Someone who likes making you cry is not worth sticking around for, even if he has his 'good days'. That's just his way to getting you to stick around for more abuse.
The sad thing is that I realise this, my instincts tell me this and I realise that I'm trapped in an unhealthy cycle yet I can't bring myself to leave, I'm trying to find an easy way to fix all of this.
Ok. Here is my two cents.
You know how I got out of my two very physical/mental abusive relationships? My dad. The first one I left the state with the dude and the final straw after all of the mental abuse (you need to lose weight..you should get a boob job..etc) was when he literally put his hands around my neck and caused bruises. I called my dad and he said to come home right away. No ifs ands or butts about it. Then, I decided to do it to myself again and was dating an older guy. Sexy AF and I loved him sooooo much. But he was very controlling and although did not physically cause bruises, there were many times I wouldn't have been surprised if he would have pointed a gun at my face. Then, the final straw after very scary times was when he told me to chose between my family and him. I laughed in his face and said, when this relationship is over, who do you think will be there for me? My family. And that was that. No matter what, they will always be there for me and I finally called it quits. Then, finally, about 6 months later, I found my now husband. The nicest, sweetest, and sexiest man in the world. Believe me girl. It will get better, but only and I mean ONLY if you actually think you deserve better. There are so many good guys that just get left in the dust because stupid (and I'm sorry to say that) girls like us stay with the douchbags. Get out NOW. It's going to be hard. I cried for weeks after the older one and I broke up. He was like a drug I didn't want to give up but I KNEW I deserved a whole lot better. You do too.10 -
Leave him! Your partner is supposed to encourage you to do your best, not bully you... I'm sorry you feel this isn't something serious enough to break up over. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I think you will eventually learn that your choices are to deal with how he treats you or leave the whole situation behind you.1
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If OP is not a Troll and really is on a break..... Then I hope it becomes a permanent break.
Your boyfriend sound like a psychopath (or whatever disorder fits) who is grooming you to basically ignore all your instincts. After he isolates you from anyone who cares about you, after he crushes your spirit, after he drives you to depression...... HE MOST LIKELY WILL LEAVE OR KILL YOU. You won't be any sort of challenge and he moves on to the next.
Read........ Women Who Love Psychopath (by Sandra L. Brown).
You witnessed or came from an abusive home background. That usually lends to higher incidents of a person picking a partner and recreating on some level of their childhood dysfunction
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Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think
Not all abusive relationships involve physical violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence—leaving you feeling that there’s no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of emotional abuse are very real, though, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
@Leaz947 So many ppl have shared their own stories and offered their help to you. I hope you not only listened but heard their words as well.7 -
I understand not wanting to leave. I've been there. I would sit down and tell him how he makes you feel. It really upsets me, hurts my feelings, makes me feel inadequate when you say negative things about my weight, intelligence etc. I couldn't get over it. I told him repeatedly how it made me feel and it would get better for a few days. ... but then back to the same thing. Nobody deserves to be constantly cut down. I am not sure there is a way to get over it. I was not able to find a way. Sorry.
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Best bit of weight u cud lose is the bf tbh a partner builds u up encourage's ur goals not tear u down do it for u no else or just bulk him up with junk food n call him fatty lol0
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He sounds like an *kitten* and probably unbearable to socialize with in anyway at all. What kind of person makes demands of and criticizes there significant other like that? That is not how a healthy relationship works. Dump his ungrateful *kitten*.
You dont love somone based on expectations of what you think they should be. You dont love someone because of one specific trait, physical or otherwise. You love them for who they are as a whole. And you treat them like you want to be treated.
Thats my opinion anyway. Hope it helps.0 -
littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
Ok, not in a similar situation now but I was, for 13 years, only it's very unlikely to continue to just be verbal/emotional abuse. That's where mine started, along with how much he loved and needed me blah, blah,blah. It progressed to physical violence (split lips, black eyes etc, etc), financial abuse (because I couldn't handle money), sexual violence, isolation, and so much more. And still right up until about a week before I ended up in a refuge I would tell people that "he's not that bad really, it's all my fault, if I changed then he wouldn't need to lose his temper". It's taken me 10 years to start to undo some of the damage he's done to me, the bruises heal, the scars fade but I still flinch and I still freeze. Please get yourself out now, before the abuse gets any worse, I don't know where you are but here in the UK 2 women a week are killed by their partner/ex partner and in the vast majority of cases the abuse didn't start with a slap or a punch but with controlling, verbal and emotional abuse.4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Since you do not want to leave him....ughh. I will try to explore other options....
1- tell him it hurt your feelings when he puts you down and make those negative comments. Tell him his support and positive reinforcement is needed. Also tell him it makes you close up and not want to share anything with him anymore. If he truly loves you he should be able to digest that, change and stfu.
2 - If number 1 doesn't work, tell him he needs to hit some iron and put on some muscle mass...and body shame him back! I'm sure he is not going to like that. But you are stooping to his level and this isn't fair either.
3 - Cheat on him with someone that is nicer, sweeter, considerate, and hotter! But again, this isn't fair. You are changing yourself, morals, etc., just to stay with him be able to co exist with him.
4- Hold out on the s#x till you meet his requirements....
5 - Consider loving yourself more where you will not have to put up with this BS. Once you love yourself and know your self worth, leaving him would be in your foreseeable future!
If you decide to follow this advice, please be very careful, you could be putting yourself in an incredible amount of danger, seriously I could only imagine how many abusers would react to some of these and this is what lots of abusers would say/do
1. "see told you, you were weak, I'm only saying this because I love you, I love you so much that I want you to be perfect"
2. "I'm the best you can get, you're so fat/ugly/stupid that no-one else would want you. Why are you trying to change me? I love you so much, don't you love me?"
3. "Always knew you was a slapper now you've proved it, you made me so angry I hit you, because I love you so much and you cheated"
4. "It's your own fault, you know how much I love and want you, if you hadn't have said no and pushed me away I wouldn't have had to hold you down/wait until you were asleep,"
5. Is the only relatively safe option, leave and leave now. I wish I could go back and tell my 21 year old self to leave. Even then you might well get "I love you so much, come back and I'll forgive you, if you don't come back I'm going to kill myself"
Note how the abuser always turns the blame to the victim and reinforces how much he/she loves them. You end up actually believing that you deserved that black eye.4 -
If you are in the Uk, can I offer my '*kitten*-kicking' services? It is a bit of a konundrum as you should blatently get rid of him but you say you won't. In which case - get him under the thumb stat and don't be taking *kitten* from him
I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
Please contact Refuge or Women's Aid (go incognito for the search), they will be able to offer you support and advice to keep you safe, whether you want to leave or stay.
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It's a shame @Leaz947 hasn't come back to this thread in weeks to update all the people who took time to give advice and share some very personal stories. I hope you are well.5
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I can relate girl.... my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum last year.. lose weight or I'm leaving. At the time I was teetering at 190... Ive lost over 40 pounds and since then we broke up and got back together and now recently broke up again because I was still a bigger unattractive woman to him. Don't stay. It only gets worse. The pain he caused me has become my inspiration to succeed and be a better person and mom to my kiddo. It never gets better or its only temporary until he decides you're not good enough still... happened to me.
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when i met my now husband I was around 81kg.
that was 10 years and 2 days ago (lol) since then iv been up as far as 109kg and am now (a year and 5dayssince haing my 5th baby) down to 83.2kg and in all that time he has NEVER once told me I needed to loose weight!!
he has ALWAYS been supportive when Iv been trying to looses weight in a very positive way because he knew thats what I wanted to do
God he even married me when i was 105kg, I look at our wedding photos and feel like crying, I even said to him how the hell and why the hell did you marry me when i was like that he said
BECAUSE I LOVE AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL AT ANY WEIGHT!!
which is true, im just happier in myself at a lower/healthier weight.
your bloke is a complete dick! they only way your gnna be happy with yourself and in general is when you ditch that 70kg of *kitten*.
despite how he treats you you dont want to leave?? there is your actual problem!
find some self worth, walk away, be happy and find someody who treats you like a human with feelings and not someone who speaks to you like your *kitten*3 -
I understand him wanting you to be healthy if that is what his issue is., but if he started dating you, he didnt know your weight in numbers, but he liked you enough and was attracted to you enough to date you, what does the number matter? Maybe he needs to gain weight? why are you the one that needs to change for him?.... but seriously though your weight will change and your body will change throughout your life, as you age, as you have kids, etc etc you need someone that wants you and likes you for who you are, not just numbers on a scale or what you look like right now. Ive been dumped for being heavy and Ive been dumped for not being heavy enough. and it hurt for a minute but those guys werent good enough for me if that's all they cared about, and they werent healthy relationships. I dont know if my babble was helpful to you because it's all your decision, whether to keep the guy, loose weight, or tell him to suck on a grapefruit.0
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You are 18 years old. I remember too being way too tolerant/forgiving and/or making excuses for others when I was in my teens/twenties. I would think I would be the one that needs to except things or change when faced with this this type of behavior.
This too is probably your first 'real' relationship with someone and two years seem like you've invested so much into this relationship.
Trust me...things will only get worse. It doesn't matter if it has not become 'physical' as you noted. Emotional is just as unacceptable. No one should try to control or tell you what to do. If he thinks he can do this to do to 'get his way' it will continue and become a life of hell!
Talk to your friends/family about this...what do you think they will say? Most likely everything that has been addressed for the last 15 pages of this posting.
Trust your inner voice - you know it's telling you 'this is not right'!
Get your boundaries and talk with your friends and family. If you haven't, it's because you are embarrassed and think you are over reacting. If this bothers you (and who wouldn't find this worrisome) it matters!!
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The only way to get over this problem is to get out. You're in an abusive relationship. Even if you lose weight, it won't change him. It won't please him. I If youre losing weight to impress him, he'll just find something else to make you feel like *kitten* about yourself (like your intelligence, the way you look after you lost weight - like how you'll be too skinny or something, or whatever). Re-evaluate your relationship. That's what's not healthy about your life ATM, not your weight.0
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I think it's sweet that people are still trying to help OP but since she hasn't been back in weeks, I think she either:
Decided to stay with her boyfriend and ignore all this great advice
Wasn't genuine to begin with
Alternative scenario which is depressing to consider so let's just assume it's option one or two....1 -
WinoGelato wrote: »I think it's sweet that people are still trying to help OP but since she hasn't been back in weeks, I think she either:
Decided to stay with her boyfriend and ignore all this great advice
Wasn't genuine to begin with
Alternative scenario which is depressing to consider so let's just assume it's option one or two....
I hope she left him for good... everything else is sad.1 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »I think it's sweet that people are still trying to help OP but since she hasn't been back in weeks, I think she either:
Decided to stay with her boyfriend and ignore all this great advice
Wasn't genuine to begin with
Alternative scenario which is depressing to consider so let's just assume it's option one or two....
I hope she left him for good... everything else is sad.
I hope so too but I feel like if she did that she would have let all the people who encouraged her to do that know so they could give her all the atta girls she deserves....3 -
Sad0
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Tell his skinny **s to eat more 70kg boy0
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Makes me sad to read this! Tell him he's a skinny *kitten* and start working out I weighted 154 pounds in grade nine lol I bet he wears skinny jeans too haha0
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I had that problem now I'm single and lost a few pounds. Win win situation3
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We had a break, now we are back together and since then he hasn't said anything bad or acted bad because he knows that if he does it once again we're over, hopefully he'll stick to this attitude and the break was a wake up call but I'll keep all you guys updated, sorry for not answering, I have been pretty busy and I when I have time I am either sleeping or studying since I have got another job besides the one I already had now.
Thanks a lot everyone, all of you helped me stand up for myself for once and have the strength to have a break from him.
Another good note is that something happened with one of my parents and now we're a lot closer so now I have someone to support me
Thanks again to everyone, I'll update if anything changes, you're all great people ❤0
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