Live together before getting married?
My personal opinion:
YES. So glad I did because with 2 females I lived with before marriage, one of them had a habit that was a deal breaker. The other is now my wife.
So yes or no?
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YES. So glad I did because with 2 females I lived with before marriage, one of them had a habit that was a deal breaker. The other is now my wife.
So yes or no?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
4
Replies
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Traditionalists in my family. Big no-no.3
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I think so3
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YES. Absolutely live together before marriage. I understand the reasoning behind NOT living together pre-marriage, and respect those who follow through with this, but in my personal experience it was a lifesaver. My ex was a complete controlling A-hole and I didn't realize it until he isolated me in our apartment, started complaining about the dinner I would make, the way I would clean, how my job would never amount to his and even though I worked 10-hour days and paid for everything, I should still clean/cook/pay for mostly everything because he was the one who could make more money x hour. OKAY. Glad I didn't find out he was that way AFTER marriage.10
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Yes. I lived with mine 2 1/2 years, got married and still married at 18 years later.4
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Of course people should live together before they commit to living together for the rest of their lives.
But then I'm usually a "more info makes for better decisions" kind of guy.11 -
When I hear stories like this, it brings to reality that it's just not in the movies that this happens. I've had 2 female friends who were in "controlled" relationships and one nearly broke because of it.peaceout_aly wrote: »YES. Absolutely live together before marriage. I understand the reasoning behind NOT living together pre-marriage, and respect those who follow through with this, but in my personal experience it was a lifesaver. My ex was a complete controlling A-hole and I didn't realize it until he isolated me in our apartment, started complaining about the dinner I would make, the way I would clean, how my job would never amount to his and even though I worked 10-hour days and paid for everything, I should still clean/cook/pay for mostly everything because he was the one who could make more money x hour. OKAY. Glad I didn't find out he was that way AFTER marriage.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Lots of "old school" traditionalists think it's a bad idea.NorthCascades wrote: »Of course people should live together before they commit to living together for the rest of their lives.
But then I'm usually a "more info makes for better decisions" kind of guy.
I figure in another 50 years, it will be the norm.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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YES DO0
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I say yes.
That being said, I lived with my husband for 2 years prior to getting married and we divorced after 13 years of marriage.
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It kind of messes with my head that there's still a strong "no" contingent on this one. I guess living in a very secular country and not having any particularly religious friends or associates, the idea that you wouldn't live with someone before marriage is quite foreign to me.
The closest I ever saw was that apparently my Grandma used to send letters to her grandkids when they moved in with their partners before marriage, telling them off. But as the second youngest of her 34 grandkids, by the time it got to me she'd gotten used to it. I think she was relieved I got married at all, even if it was by Elvis in Vegas.7 -
Yes...I lived with my wife for a little over a year before we were married. It was an eye opener and allowed us both to work on a lot of things.
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Alatariel75 wrote: »It kind of messes with my head that there's still a strong "no" contingent on this one. I guess living in a very secular country and not having any particularly religious friends or associates, the idea that you wouldn't live with someone before marriage is quite foreign to me.
It used to be a crime, called cohabitation. The law was used to prosecute Mormons, who disagreed with the government about having multiple wives and so practiced "celestial marriage" outside the law. Having a ceremony wasn't illegal but living in a sinful arrangement was.2 -
They say couples that cohabitate are more likely to get dovorced, but people who are against cohabitation are probably against divorce too. However, there is the problem that cohabitation is not something people think about too hard, but that sort of pushes people towards marriage as an inevitable next step when they should probably break up instead.5
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Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.5
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No.
I lived with my husband before we even considered marriage and got daily "reminders" from a close relative that I knew better and was living in sin.
My values have changed since I was but a young lass - I have become more personally conservative. I also realize that many have not chosen these values, and it's a free country, so I don't judge.2 -
I live with my significant other but I'm not sold on the idea of marriage in general.3
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Espressocycle wrote: »They say couples that cohabitate are more likely to get dovorced, but people who are against cohabitation are probably against divorce too. However, there is the problem that cohabitation is not something people think about too hard, but that sort of pushes people towards marriage as an inevitable next step when they should probably break up instead.
Agree!
I started living with my ex-husband after like a month of dating. Moving in too soon may have put us on the fast track to marriage.
My current BF and I lived separate for over a year before we decided to move in together. We've been living together for 2.5 years now. Best not to rush.1 -
IMO it doesn't matter. What matters is how long/how well you know someone before you move in with them... whether you're married or not.8
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I think it is valuable before getting married to live together. It isn't the only way but really living with someone and managing a household is a good indicator of your life together. So my answer is yes.
My dh and I lived together before marriage for about 8 months and have been married 17 years. Pretty sure we would be married the same if we hadn't lived together first but it made it easier I think.
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AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.2 -
IMO it doesn't matter. What matters is how long/how well you know someone before you move in with them... whether you're married or not.
This is a good point...I was dating my wife for a good 5 years before we moved in together. We were also engaged when we moved in together.
For the most part, it just seemed like good economic sense at that point. It just didn't make a ton of sense for both of us to be throwing money at separate apartments...we used the money we saved to help with a down payment on a house.3 -
Yeah, I think it's good to know who you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I don't think it'll prevent divorce, but it should prevent marriages between incompatible people.2
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My first marriage we didn't live together it lasted 3 years
Second marriage lived together it's still going.
It's up to the person but living together first worked for me1 -
NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.2 -
NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
This is exactly what I mean by "communication", you pretty much just elaborated for me, lol. There is a list of questions, something like "106 Questions to Ask Before Marriage" or something. I'm sure it's Googleable. I'll see if I can find it.
My FiL sent it to me and my then-fiance, in hopes one or more of the questions would trip us up and we'd break up, because he hated me.
But all it did was cement that my fiance and I agreed on everything and were perfect for each other. Suck it! Hahaha! 6 years married. Literally never fight. 
ETA: by "fight" I mean large disagreements on any sort of substantial topic. We snipe at each other and might slam a door here and there, but that's always due to one or both of us being tired or stressed by something non-related. Or just hungry. "Hangry".1 -
thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
Maybe. Maybe they would have got mad and broke their commitment. Isn't that what happens in the real world, most marriages end in divorce?
EDIT: I think those two were clearly not made for each other, and I think it's best for both of them that they didn't marry. They're both good people but not right for each other. I think the only thing that would have been different had they been married is they would have had to go through a divorce. But we'll never know for sure.2 -
I was gung-ho about moving in together with my then fiance@19. He was extremely controlling where I'd needed to beep him if I was leaving to go somewhere, even with my sister. Didn't want me to work, as he was and will be the provider. I was complacent until he'd stated that after we were wed, I will be moving into the family home in Upstate NY and he will be living in Manhattan and will drive up on Friday's. That just didn't auger well with me, along with other issues >>> I quit the relationship.
Today >>> Sure, why not? Granted, I know that at my age, a man I might be on the marriage track with could be a widow or divorcee with children and parent (s). I would need to rent a studio for work though, as I work from home. If we choose to cohabitate, there will be a space issue for my things and I'm just not going to have that many people adjust their normal to make room for me and my proclivities.
ETA: Am going to be curious though@division of financial responsibilities given usage + real estate privileges1 -
AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »This is exactly what I mean by "communication", you pretty much just elaborated for me, lol. There is a list of questions, something like "106 Questions to Ask Before Marriage" or something. I'm sure it's Googleable. I'll see if I can find it.
I think you're missing my point. There are more than 106 reasons people have got divorced. Folks have deal breakers they don't realize yet.
You're making it sound like people can just sit down and imagine every contingency and then ask each other if this one is ok, yes or not, and then they'll know whether they're compatible or not because they done communicated.
Every relationship I've ever been in has been much more fluid and ongoing than that. We've crossed bridges when we came to them because even the best map has some omissions.7 -
NorthCascades wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
Maybe. Maybe they would have got mad and broke their commitment. Isn't that what happens in the real world, most marriages end in divorce?
It's true that a large number of marriages end in divorce. But divorces rates started to rise at around the same time cohabitation started to become socially acceptable, and the status quo.
Or at least, "Maybe not", lol.
Just an idea to chew on. It's an interesting parallel, if nothing else.2
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