WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR MARCH 2017

Felt really lousy (nauseous & dizzy) this morning, so took a sick day & stayed home. Got some more sleep this morning after finally got back to sleep again. Been lazy sitting on couch all day since didn't get up again until about 10. Reading posts in between watching recorded tv shows.

I'm inserting a "disclaimer" of sorts here. Didn't mean to get so carried away with the long post that follows, but guess it felt good to air my feelings on the matter. Decided to leave it as is. Feel free to read or not.

To respond to Kim & Sharon: Thank you for your kind words. Just to clarify a bit: We adopted our niece, not grandchild (she was my sister's child). Also, we're not retired yet, so have needed to juggle the demands of "starting over" raising a child while still working full time.

My job is also very demanding & often work long hours, plus long drive from home. When our son was young, we also both worked & dealt with childcare, etc, but were younger then & I also worked closer to home when he was young. Also, once he was a teen, he could be at home alone so we didn't have to rely on a sitter just to go out for an hour or so, but she can't be so that's a bigger challenge, too. We've been fortunate that our son has still lived at home after finishing college & works from home on computer, so he's able to be here before & after school for the time DH & I have to leave for work & before get home again.

Son's been dating a nice girl for about 8 months now & spends some days/nights at her place depending on her works schedule (varies which days she's off), which has caused some difficulty for us with that lately when it's a weekday. He also is thinking of moving out possibly in August. Glad he's finally starting his own life. Since DH plans to retire sometime this summer (probably in Aug, too), won't have to worry about needing son to watch her any more after that at least. Will also be easier for DH to take her to her many dr. appts. without needing to either take time off work or schedule during breaks from school for her & I. She has Tuberous Sclerosis (so did my sis) which causes numerous health & cognitive or psychological issues, so she sees about 9 different specialists to keep tabs on things. Some more often than others. She also sees a psychotherapist at school about every other wk.

Fortunately, her behavior has made big strides since the 1st yr (was awful - very volatile & could be abusive to me & extremely uncooperative). We knew she was like this, but harder to LIVE with it. That was at the same time Mom's health began declining so also was helping her a lot - I stress ate my way up 30 lbs that 1st yr. I really couldn't have done it without my wonderful DH. He's been my rock through so much. She also never had a real dad & was often better for him - he was really resistant at 1st to taking her in, but has become very close to her & protective of her. It's been helpful that he works in her school district & has easy access to teachers, psychotherapist, etc. too. Plus he's able to leave work more easily if need be & home much sooner than I am.

Have needed to "train" him not to coddle her too much or enable her bad behavior sometimes. Also, he needs to not wait on her all the time & encourage her to do things she's capable of doing herself - like pouring her own drink or making herself a sandwich. When she 1st came, if she spilled a drink (often happened), she'd just sit there oblivious to it. At least I've gotten her to make some effort to help clean it up now & ask for help if needed. Luckily happens less, too although she still leaves a mess with crumbs when she eats. Will clean up her dishes, though. Also helping her to learn how to cook some things in microwave, too. She once threw up in the tub when showering at night, though, & never told us - son found it the next morning when he went to shower - after we'd gone to work. (Different shower than we use - we did reno 2 yrs ago to add a 2nd bathrm & another bedrm for her - best investment.) Kind of funny actually - his frantic call to DH who told him to just clean it up himself. Son wasn't thrilled - to say the least. He's never had to deal with caring for a child at all. We've dealt with puke lots of times from HIM. LOL

Sometimes just feel sad when I feel that DH & I have lost our chance to enjoy life as a couple again the way I'd envisioned. When we were "empty nesters" while son was away at college, we got a small taste of it, but couldn't really afford any real vacations together then, since strapped paying for college for him (beyond his student loans) & also several yrs of job insecurity for me after I changed careers to become a teacher. Now we finally can afford it & he'll be retiring this summer (so will be off from work when I'm also off), but we're tied down with her now. It's been so difficult to get someone to watch her for just a short amount of time, can't imagine being able to actually take a longer vacation without her. We'll probably take her with us on a camping trip sometime this summer for a few days & some day trips to places, but would love to be able to get away as just a couple for longer than one night once a yr. Her behavior can really be challenging for longer than a few hours so don't really want to spend $$ on a vacation that won't be able to enjoy. Even spending time together at home is always centered around HER needs - just having a conversation longer than 2 min. can be tough at times.

Want to try to work on convincing my sis-in-law (brother's wife) to agree to take her for longer than one night for us. Not sure I'll have much luck, though. She's been more willing to take her now & then for short time periods the past couple of yrs now that her behavior has improved, though. Really annoyed me sometimes how little they stepped up to help us out with her & SinL would complain in the past about how hard it was for her to watch her - they only had her for a day & we've had her all the time. She even made a "joke" once about getting paid extra for needing to give meds to her - REALLY?! What does she think we have to do EVERY DAY? Giving her meds is the least of it all. She said she was "just kidding", but it still annoyed me.

We were the only ones willing to step up & take on the responsibility so they got off easy (& they're actually her godparents - meaningless, I guess) - the least they could do is offer to help us out more often. They live nearby, too. My brother is a self-employed bldg contractor & works long hours, but she only works part time. They also have a huge house, with extra bedrooms since their children are both grown & gone (except their daughter sometimes there when home from college). They've faced some financial & marriage problems in past yrs, but glad they've worked out their marriage troubles & are closer now. Maybe that's made a difference lately, too. We sometimes go take care of their dogs so they can go away together - never think twice about it whenever they've need us (or our $$ for loans). Also used to watch their children when young quite often. It just would be nice for them to HELP more. We actually PAY them to watch her, too from respite funds we've been able to get from a program, so glad to have the funds to help them out, too. If that ends, wonder if SinL would still be willing to ever watch her or if I'll still need to pay her. Also, would make it harder to afford to take a week-long vacation if have to pay someone to watch her for a whole week. Have to start being careful about our $$ since will have less when DH retires. Also want to try to save as much as possible so that I can retire before too many more yrs.

DH & I really are the best people for the job to take in our niece & have been able to afford to take her in financially without any problem. The fact that we'd watched her many times over the yrs when sister was alive (esp. when sis was in hospital on & off & as Mom wasn't up to it any more) made it easier for us to take her, too. We've also been very proactive in getting her needed medical & psychotherapy help. It's really helped her thrive with us. Now we're trying to get other services in place to help her further & over the long-term. Been a 2-yr process (crazy slow) to try to get to this point when her access to Medicaid waiver, etc never should've stopped when we took her in over 4 yrs ago (but that's a whole other story).

My other brother & wife live a couple of hours away so not practical for them to watch her & they haven't had the space either. Not very close to DH's sisters in recent yrs & the 2 that live nearby have their own troubles with many grandkids, etc so don't ask for their help. We've been fortunate for a friend we've made who's the mom of two autistic boys that are friends with our daughter. She's been awesome about taking her sometimes for the day or a rare sleepover. We've tried to get together when possible so the kids can play or a movie, etc together, too. She's a single mom living with her parents, though so that's not easy for her. She says she loves to take her, though cuz the kids play & give her a break. Been trying to get together for months, but always someone sick, etc. so hasn't worked out yet - maybe this wkend. I'd love to return the favor, but her son is terrified of our dogs. It's difficult just to have them visit at our house. Have taken daughter & the older boy (same age as daughter) to the movies before to at least give her a bit of a break. When weather gets better, will try to go bike riding together, too.

I also very much admire those who've taken on the challenges of taking care of someone else's child(ren) in their later years. I've gained a new appreciation for the many difficulties/sacrifices it requires. Guess it also forces us to try to stay healthy & "young" longer, which is a good thing.

Have also been able to gain more insight into the daily lives of those raising children with various special needs. As an aunt, I was certainly aware of my sister's challenges & tried to help her out as much as possible & watched my niece now & then when I could, but much different to deal with it 24/7. I also realize that some have it much harder than we do. Fortunately (with the help of therapy & meds), her behavior's more manageable & she doesn't have ongoing daily health needs (other than meds & special shoe inserts) & is able to do her own personal hygiene for the most part (won't wash her own hair, though), just needing lots of reminders. She's also mobile so that's easier. The biggest challenges are psychological & her immaturity mentally while in a teen's body.

WOW - can't believe how much I've gone on & on. Also can't believe it's after 3:30 already. It's amazing how time flies when doing NOTHING! LOL

Gotta go shower before caseworker comes for home visit.

Have a good day. Best wishes to everyone for health & happiness & success in personal goals. I do care about all of you. Sorry my post today was so self-centered.

-- Becky (NY)

Hello everyone,
Kim I am going to try your soup, it looks great. Thanks for sharing.
Re Good luck with your job quandary and such amazing pics, you can really see the progress. Good on you!
DJ lololol!
Lenora Thoughts and prayers are with you and Happy Birthday.
Jolene oh my, glad you are o.k. What a fright.

So I am in a very nice hotel room and it has one of those non complimentary junky snack bars. See what I did:





The things we must do. So it's off to a Mexican restaurant so I am hoping to find something that isn't too terrible.

Take care everyone. Sarah in Toronto