I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice
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Leave. Stay away. No need for that drama to repeat itself.3
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You go your way and find someone who doesn't need to know everything. Everyone talk to someone new, everyone likes to flirt from now and then. Going thru your phone or checking your fb account means he doesn't trust you and you can't build a healthy relation based on paranoia and not trusting the one next to you. My advice: moove on, block him from your life.
You're welcome! Now you owe me a beer for my good advice!!
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This is how he acts. This is who he is. Move out and move on if you don't like it.
Were you my friend or relative I would have advised you to get away from someone who got into your phone/facebook, read messages and kicked you out of your shared home the first time. None of that is okay behavior and you have been together a pretty short time.
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Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.5
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Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.4 -
MeeseeksAndDestroy wrote: »Not judging but why would you even want to go back?
I have feelings for him, he was good to me before all of this nonsense. It's hard.
Glad to see you are getting lots of get out advice already.
I get that it is hard, but I imagine you already know something is wrong in your gut, thats why you posted this.
There are plenty of other guys who will treat you well ALL the time. Does this guy really deserve your attachment? I think he has proved he doesn't.2 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!2 -
Leave. Take the temporary pain of a 'breakup', such as it is, over the long term pain of being under suspicion-- deserved or not.6
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I was married to a guy like this once. Only I was never talking to other people. He went as far as setting up video cameras in our house, recording texts, car mileage etc. OF COURSE I couldn't take the constant obsession with what are you doing who are you talking to etc etc... so I left. He lost it. He started stalking me FULL TIME! Heck, he is probably reading this. Anyhow, I left and in the long run had to get a protective order because he went crazy. Not once did he ever find me talking to anyone inappropriately but he was sure I was. I am now divorced from him and moved on and I have NEVER been happier. Life now is amazing and I would NEVER go back to that. Run for your life girl it will only get worse!
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Hey all, I'm going to try to make a long story short but I'm really struggling right now and hoping that someone could give me some insight and/or support that I'm making the right decision.
November of last year, I decided to move out of my house. I found a roommate on craigslist and decided to move in with him. Seemed like a nice enough guy, very respectful.. even helped me move. Fast forward a couple weeks, and we start to spend time together and actually really like each other. A few months into the relationship one drunken night he decided to go through my phone, saw some conversations he didn't like with other guys and kicked me out of the house. Now, I admit that I'm at fault for having these conversations and I apologized to him. He agreed to have me back in the house. I really did NOT like that he had gone through my phone, but I felt like I wouldn't give him too much grief for it since I was talking to other people. After I moved back in, things were okay, but he started questioning everything I was doing, who I was with, where I was, etc. He'd get suspicious if I had to stay late at work or run errands. He didn't like that I kept a password on my phone and changed messages to only read "imessage" instead of the actual text. It began to feel controlling. He'd ask me everyday if I was talking to these guys, who I had blocked and cut off all contact with. Now... a few days ago he tells me he had gone into my facebook and read my convos with people, he saw one conversation that I had with a friend of mine about how I felt the relationship was controlling and I might start looking for a place to live. He flipped out, told me I had mental issues... and that night I left. He's been contacting me constantly apologizing about invading my privacy but he just felt so "betrayed" and that he was planning on buying me an engagement ring. He wants me back in the house after all of this. I really don't want to go back for fear that this might all happen again. But he believes I should give him a second chance because he gave me one. Am I crazy or is this controlling behavior?
TL;DR - my boyfriend/roommate has gone through my phone/facebook conversations twice and kicked me out twice. now wants me back. how do I handle this?
"Fool me once shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again!" George W. Bush.
When in doubt do what the Republicans do.1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »All I can see is his controlling behavior and that's a HUGE red flag to me. And if you do end up marrying him, it'll only get worse...
What she said. My first ex (stress on the word EX) was a control freak with other issues, just like you are describing. It took a marriage counselor to sort it out for me, who basically said I had two choices, stay and be miserable (because he was not going to change) or get out. I went home and packed up my stuff and moved out.
It does always go from bad to worse, don't hang around for the worse.2 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
Not to get into to many details, if I hadn't done the same thing I'd be living in the dark. I did nothing to warrant similar behavior. If she wasn't happy she should have left instead of cheating. Or she should of talked to him about being unhappy. Now if he did the same thing then what she did is kind of understandable but still wrong,5 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
Not to get into to many details, if I hadn't done the same thing I'd be living in the dark. I did nothing to warrant similar behavior. If she wasn't happy she should have left instead of cheating. Or she should of talked to him about being unhappy. Now if he did the same thing then what she did is kind of understandable but still wrong,
This. And it's called "monkey branching". And it's very common.2 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
Not to get into to many details, if I hadn't done the same thing I'd be living in the dark. I did nothing to warrant similar behavior. If she wasn't happy she should have left instead of cheating. Or she should of talked to him about being unhappy. Now if he did the same thing then what she did is kind of understandable but still wrong,
I'm glad you're posting in here so i can just say "THIS" to everything you say.2 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
Not to get into to many details, if I hadn't done the same thing I'd be living in the dark. I did nothing to warrant similar behavior. If she wasn't happy she should have left instead of cheating. Or she should of talked to him about being unhappy. Now if he did the same thing then what she did is kind of understandable but still wrong,
I agree! When two people are in a relationship and the trust is broken down, the best thing to do is communicate why and get to the root of the problem. Most people don't do that though and then you have issues like her sexting other men and him invading her privacy. I'm just so glad I learned from my mistakes and was able to get myself and my daughter out of an incredibly dangerous situation. My only regret is that it took me so long and now she suffers mentally from the experience.3 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.4 -
Run away!3
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
You were monkey branching. Plain and simple. It's human nature for someone to want to move up to a better option. That's what you were doing. Admit it or not you were testing the waters on other men. His reaction when you were caught doing this is also pretty natural. Rejection, Beta-male, etc. So yeah there's gonna be insecurity there on his part because he knows what you were up to.3
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