I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice
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I haven't been in this situation but have been in similarly controlling/manipulative relationships. I walk away and never look back. Block the number. Change ID on Facebook and other social media. Ghost.
Good luck, stay strong, and remember you.3 -
Walk away, don't look back. There are thousands of other people you could be in a relationship with.4
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Jealousy and mistrust are like a crack in a dam. Over time it'll just get worse and worse until it breaks. Be careful. If you're already asking these types of questions - you've likely came to the same conclusion that majority of others have.
Do you know how easy it is to breed jealousy and mistrust and manipulate it for power in a relationship? It's far too common and easy for people to say one thing and do another in order to provoke a response from someone. Tread lightly on the "cracked damn" theory. The strongest muscles are the ones that get torn down and rebuilt over time is another analogy that comes to mind that could just as easily fit and provide an alternative perspective.1 -
First of all check the laws in your state. Usually a 30 day notice is required prior to eviction.
Next, RUN. DON'T WALK BUT RUN FAR, FAR AWAY! This guy is practically screaming that he is a CONTROL FREAK. Please accept the "out" that has been handed to you via being kicked out and find someone who is not an insane nut job. I speak as a woman who has been in similar relation ships, though all of mine occurred before cell phones were invented so the privacy invasion wasn't what it would be now. He is prowling through your phone, reading your Facebook messages, and has likely searched you on this site also probably is reading this thread right freaking NOW.
So to summarize:
RUN AWAY! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! LEAVE HIM! SAVE YOURSELF! DON'T GO BACK INTO THE MARSH!!!
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.2 -
Carillon_Campanello wrote: »Jealousy and mistrust are like a crack in a dam. Over time it'll just get worse and worse until it breaks. Be careful. If you're already asking these types of questions - you've likely came to the same conclusion that majority of others have.
Do you know how easy it is to breed jealousy and mistrust and manipulate it for power in a relationship? It's far too common and easy for people to say one thing and do another in order to provoke a response from someone. Tread lightly on the "cracked damn" theory. The strongest muscles are the ones that get torn down and rebuilt over time is another analogy that comes to mind that could just as easily fit and provide an alternative perspective.
Thanks for your input. I'm sticking to my comment and my opinion on the matter. But I appreciate your offer of a different way of think/analogy. I'm speaking from personal experience about being the jealous person. My jealousy and mistrust grew (with good reason, but regardless) until I couldn't handle it and broke.0 -
He may always look at you like you will hurt him because of what happened. Sometimes it is just better to move on. Just think really hard before you make a decision. It could easily become a yo-yo situation. What would be the reason to go back at this point?2
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.4 -
Carillon_Campanello wrote: »Jealousy and mistrust are like a crack in a dam. Over time it'll just get worse and worse until it breaks. Be careful. If you're already asking these types of questions - you've likely came to the same conclusion that majority of others have.
Do you know how easy it is to breed jealousy and mistrust and manipulate it for power in a relationship? It's far too common and easy for people to say one thing and do another in order to provoke a response from someone. Tread lightly on the "cracked damn" theory. The strongest muscles are the ones that get torn down and rebuilt over time is another analogy that comes to mind that could just as easily fit and provide an alternative perspective.
Thanks for your input. I'm sticking to my comment and my opinion on the matter. But I appreciate your offer of a different way of think/analogy. I'm speaking from personal experience about being the jealous person. My jealousy and mistrust grew (with good reason, but regardless) until I couldn't handle it and broke.
Everyone's experience is unique to themselves. That's why OP is here. Seeking guidance. I think we are supporting best we can. Multiple angles will help. Personally not the jealous type, but have seen a few things in my days as well. We all have something to give OP here I feel. Good day.1 -
I will add another thing. If for no other reason than to truly get to know a person moving in with and establishing a physical relationship too early clouds our judgement. (Yes, you moved in as "roommates only" but come on... did you really expect it not to turn into more?) It makes it too easy to get sucked in on an emotional level and that's when the people involved become protective, controlling, attached etc.... In the future I recommend getting to know someone much better first. Yeah, some folks will still turn on you no matter how long you take to get to know them. But a lot of people will show who they are because they tire of the facade. Also this period of a lower level of commitment will allow both parties to decide whether they are looking to rekindle old flames with an ex or flirt with other people etc... As it was mentioned in other comments, if boundaries have not truly been established it will only spell trouble later.You may not realize for 6 weeks that this person isn't doing it for you. Just a little food for thought.1
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.6 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.9 -
_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
I'm struggling with this whole "cheating" thing that keeps getting brought up, I think "soft-cheating" describes it at best. I know cheating is different to a whole bunch of people but I know that having a few flirty conversations is not the same as going out and sleeping with different men behind his back (which I did NOT do). I admit that it's wrong, there's no doubt about that, but I don't believe it deserves the treatment I've gotten.0 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?2 -
_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
I'm struggling with this whole "cheating" thing that keeps getting brought up, I think "soft-cheating" describes it at best. I know cheating is different to a whole bunch of people but I know that having a few flirty conversations is not the same as going out and sleeping with different men behind his back (which I did NOT do). I admit that it's wrong, there's no doubt about that, but I don't believe it deserves the treatment I've gotten.
Yes there are different degrees of cheating but cheating is cheating. If you start out sexting its most likely going to end up with sending nudes then a hook up. Most people don't just say hey I'm going to go cheat with this person I don't know. It starts somewhere. Soft cheating is a stupid term too.6 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?
The first time he snooped he got what he was looking for, he had a hunch and he did what he had to do. Fine. It was the treatment afterwards that's the real issue. I took full advantage of the second chance that he gave me and was an open book to him with everything. The second time he snooped, he found nothing of the sort, because nothing was going on, and I had assured him of that. But... I was told I was lying, probably deleting messages, etc.0 -
_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
I'm struggling with this whole "cheating" thing that keeps getting brought up, I think "soft-cheating" describes it at best. I know cheating is different to a whole bunch of people but I know that having a few flirty conversations is not the same as going out and sleeping with different men behind his back (which I did NOT do). I admit that it's wrong, there's no doubt about that, but I don't believe it deserves the treatment I've gotten.
You did mention the conversations were sexual in nature. I don't know how sexual they became, but imagine finding that on HIS phone. Not playing the devil's advocate but rather saying some people will feel that is cheating just as much as physical cheating. Technology affords us a lot more activity which could be considered cheating. Which is where the boundaries come in. It seems a little too business like to clarify all this fine print but it needs to happen. What one person sees as harmless flirting another sees as cheating. Even if there were no intentions to actually physically cheat. Sometimes cheating happens from totally innocent intentions. Giving someone a ride home, or going over to help fix something or whatever. So intentions aren't usually a very good defense even in this "soft" cheating as it were.2
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