I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice
Replies
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_har_T_Swallow wrote: »totally off subject but we're like 5 pages deep and this thing ain't gone off the rails yet. everybody being cordial and it's a compelling discussion.
and people say chit chat is dead!
It's only a matter of time. But I do want to say that I really do appreciate all of the responses I've received so far and you all taking the time out to actually read and respond. I made myself vulnerable and I was prepared for negativity but I'm thankful for all of your input. You all helped me a great deal today.3 -
I would also like to say that I'm a hypocrite and I like to play devils advocate2
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When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Someone can say whatever they want, but their actions show their character. This guy's actions are controlling and manipulative. He may be able to act sweet for a while, but that's how abusive people keep their targets close for so long. Please listen to those who have shared their stories!3
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Carillon_Campanello wrote: »_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?
that's a whole lot of guesswork there- she hasn't confirmed if any of that was happening, and nobody here other than her can answer that.
whatever happened to you, is in all likelihood, so far beyond whatever happened with her, that it is incomparable.
in your relationship, can i ask what made you stay? was it kids? if it was i'm very unqualified to say anything, i don't have kids.
if it was or wasn't though, either way the trust was gone right? did she give you control of her social media and texts and stuff? did it make you feel better?
There was no sneakiness, no constantly being on the phone, as a matter of fact I'm hardly ever on my phone. this wasn't a 24 hour operation that I was constantly sneaking around and hiding from him. Unfortunately, I had a couple convos sexual in nature and that was that. He told me what lead to him looking through my phone is the fact that I had a passcode and that made him uncomfortable.
I'm not judging here, but you keep adding details and,changing the complexion of the argument, and moving the yard sticks in your favor when people are making observations based on the overall situation. The fact is - there were conversations of a sexual nature with other men. To that there is some fault assigned to you. His response belongs to him.
Again, not saying I'm a saint. Not trying to make it like I didn't do anything wrong. The issue is, I feel uncomfortable because of how everything played out, but I'm receiving multiple texts and voicemails about how he wants me to come back, he's sorry for his behavior, he knows we have the potential to be a great team, etc. And I'm trying to avoid getting sucked back into the quicksand.
Is he nice looking? How old is he? Is he gainfully employed with no child support or alimony payments?
If he'd consider a bitter, overweight woman well into middle age, I'll take him off your hands and entertain him for as long as his attention span allows it and he'll forget about you for awhile. It could be a win win win.
he's a handsome guy, late 30s, no kids, no job though sorry.
you can have him babes. and may the odds be ever in your favor.3 -
Carillon_Campanello wrote: »_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
Hey, are you looking for a roommate? I know a guy who might be interested.
Nope I'm good_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.
It's not just some mistake or bad judgement call. If people took relationships more serious we would have less divorce and less kids raised without fathers. You are minimizing the cheating in this scenario. If you make a mistake their are consequences.
you can't generalize everything that way though. in this particular relationship there weren't any kids. there was no marriage. there was just soft-cheating and then control issues. it sounds like she'd be happier elsewhere, and he'd be happier controlling her. that's a recipe for disaster if i ever heard one. point of fact, thank goodness there aren't any kids in this scenario
Everyone else is generalizing here too. They are saying he is a control freak and abusive. What made him snoop? Probably her being sneaky, not putting her phone down, acting different than usual. If I hadn't been such a "controlling" and "abusive" guy I would have known there was sexting and more going on. Instead I was a trusting fool that believed in privacy. So I should've just been a blind fool and kept trusting and believing what I was told because she deserves her privacy?
that's a whole lot of guesswork there- she hasn't confirmed if any of that was happening, and nobody here other than her can answer that.
whatever happened to you, is in all likelihood, so far beyond whatever happened with her, that it is incomparable.
in your relationship, can i ask what made you stay? was it kids? if it was i'm very unqualified to say anything, i don't have kids.
if it was or wasn't though, either way the trust was gone right? did she give you control of her social media and texts and stuff? did it make you feel better?
There was no sneakiness, no constantly being on the phone, as a matter of fact I'm hardly ever on my phone. this wasn't a 24 hour operation that I was constantly sneaking around and hiding from him. Unfortunately, I had a couple convos sexual in nature and that was that. He told me what lead to him looking through my phone is the fact that I had a passcode and that made him uncomfortable.
I'm not judging here, but you keep adding details and,changing the complexion of the argument, and moving the yard sticks in your favor when people are making observations based on the overall situation. The fact is - there were conversations of a sexual nature with other men. To that there is some fault assigned to you. His response belongs to him.
Again, not saying I'm a saint. Not trying to make it like I didn't do anything wrong. The issue is, I feel uncomfortable because of how everything played out, but I'm receiving multiple texts and voicemails about how he wants me to come back, he's sorry for his behavior, he knows we have the potential to be a great team, etc. And I'm trying to avoid getting sucked back into the quicksand.
Is he nice looking? How old is he? Is he gainfully employed with no child support or alimony payments?
If he'd consider a bitter, overweight woman well into middle age, I'll take him off your hands and entertain him for as long as his attention span allows it and he'll forget about you for awhile. It could be a win win win.
he's a handsome guy, late 30s, no kids, no job though sorry.
you can have him babes. and may the odds be ever in your favor.
No job, no dice. How did he help you pay the rent darling?
We lived in a home that he owned. I had the 2nd floor. Basically I was just paying him rent. (and then some when he needed help financially but we won't even get into that!)1 -
Ha, nope - like the others say, walk away.
There are plenty of other guys who are good looking and make money and who won't run your life.
Watch for those warning signs right away -- prying into places they don't need to is bad news.
Unless you are somebody who wants a codependent relationship.........0 -
Not catching up on the whole conversation here, just offering my $.02. First off, if the police use improper technique to collect evidence, the evidence is not admissible in court. Even if you 'cheated' his snooping almost becomes a bigger offence. That said, you both broke the trust too and it sounds like you're not getting it back.
The whole idea of a relationship is to figure out whether you can spend your life with someone... Unless you're just in it to have fun of course. Either way, this sounds like a *kitten* situation that's not headed anywhere. At a minimum, he doesn't sound like a very fun guy and at the maximum, how could you spend your life with someone constantly questioning and tracking you. My basic philosophy in a relationship is as soon as it comes to that point, it's over. PERIOD.
If it was an exclusive relationship and if you were 'cheating' (physically or emotionally), then you might want to not do that next time if you want a lasting monogamous relationship. But this guy sounds controlling , manipulative, and all sorts of crazy. I'd suggest changing passwords, moving, and if necessary, getting a restraining order if it comes to that.1 -
Do not go back. Just don't. I have spent 32 years not living my own life because I stayed. It is no way to live and the more time that goes by the unhealthier it becomes and then kids come into the picture and then you get old and lose your desire for your own life. Ugh. Don't go back.4
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DrifterBear wrote: »Not catching up on the whole conversation here, just offering my $.02. First off, if the police use improper technique to collect evidence, the evidence is not admissible in court. Even if you 'cheated' his snooping almost becomes a bigger offence. That said, you both broke the trust too and it sounds like you're not getting it back.
The whole idea of a relationship is to figure out whether you can spend your life with someone... Unless you're just in it to have fun of course. Either way, this sounds like a *kitten* situation that's not headed anywhere. At a minimum, he doesn't sound like a very fun guy and at the maximum, how could you spend your life with someone constantly questioning and tracking you. My basic philosophy in a relationship is as soon as it comes to that point, it's over. PERIOD.
If it was an exclusive relationship and if you were 'cheating' (physically or emotionally), then you might want to not do that next time if you want a lasting monogamous relationship. But this guy sounds controlling , manipulative, and all sorts of crazy. I'd suggest changing passwords, moving, and if necessary, getting a restraining order if it comes to that.
Yeah, I definitely learned my lesson there. I made sure to change my passwords on everything I could think of, just worries me because he didn't know my password and I'm pretty positive he did some hacking to get into my facebook so I still don't feel safe or protected. I had considered a restraining order and will do so if he continues to be invasive.1 -
DrifterBear wrote: »Not catching up on the whole conversation here, just offering my $.02. First off, if the police use improper technique to collect evidence, the evidence is not admissible in court. Even if you 'cheated' his snooping almost becomes a bigger offence. That said, you both broke the trust too and it sounds like you're not getting it back.
The whole idea of a relationship is to figure out whether you can spend your life with someone... Unless you're just in it to have fun of course. Either way, this sounds like a *kitten* situation that's not headed anywhere. At a minimum, he doesn't sound like a very fun guy and at the maximum, how could you spend your life with someone constantly questioning and tracking you. My basic philosophy in a relationship is as soon as it comes to that point, it's over. PERIOD.
If it was an exclusive relationship and if you were 'cheating' (physically or emotionally), then you might want to not do that next time if you want a lasting monogamous relationship. But this guy sounds controlling , manipulative, and all sorts of crazy. I'd suggest changing passwords, moving, and if necessary, getting a restraining order if it comes to that.
Yeah, I definitely learned my lesson there. I made sure to change my passwords on everything I could think of, just worries me because he didn't know my password and I'm pretty positive he did some hacking to get into my facebook so I still don't feel safe or protected. I had considered a restraining order and will do so if he continues to be invasive.
It may come to a restraining order to feel safe, maybe go down to your local police station just to discuss options and get their opinion. Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn for the future. I'm sure you'll be fine, but you do want to take steps to know your options and get some record of what's going on. Don't ever question whether you're overreacting. Just feeling unsafe warrants doing something about it.0 -
Thehardmakesitworthit wrote: »Do not go back. Just don't. I have spent 32 years not living my own life because I stayed. It is no way to live and the more time that goes by the unhealthier it becomes and then kids come into the picture and then you get old and lose your desire for your own life. Ugh. Don't go back.
Jeez, I'm really sorry. I never thought i'd be in a situation like this but now I see how easy it is to get suckered back into it. Are you out of it now?0 -
DrifterBear wrote: »DrifterBear wrote: »Not catching up on the whole conversation here, just offering my $.02. First off, if the police use improper technique to collect evidence, the evidence is not admissible in court. Even if you 'cheated' his snooping almost becomes a bigger offence. That said, you both broke the trust too and it sounds like you're not getting it back.
The whole idea of a relationship is to figure out whether you can spend your life with someone... Unless you're just in it to have fun of course. Either way, this sounds like a *kitten* situation that's not headed anywhere. At a minimum, he doesn't sound like a very fun guy and at the maximum, how could you spend your life with someone constantly questioning and tracking you. My basic philosophy in a relationship is as soon as it comes to that point, it's over. PERIOD.
If it was an exclusive relationship and if you were 'cheating' (physically or emotionally), then you might want to not do that next time if you want a lasting monogamous relationship. But this guy sounds controlling , manipulative, and all sorts of crazy. I'd suggest changing passwords, moving, and if necessary, getting a restraining order if it comes to that.
Yeah, I definitely learned my lesson there. I made sure to change my passwords on everything I could think of, just worries me because he didn't know my password and I'm pretty positive he did some hacking to get into my facebook so I still don't feel safe or protected. I had considered a restraining order and will do so if he continues to be invasive.
It may come to a restraining order to feel safe, maybe go down to your local police station just to discuss options and get their opinion. Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn for the future. I'm sure you'll be fine, but you do want to take steps to know your options and get some record of what's going on. Don't ever question whether you're overreacting. Just feeling unsafe warrants doing something about it.
I don't want to discourage you taking action to feel safe from him but it will take more than him hacking into your accounts for a restraining order.
Yeah, I know that unfortunately. I guess I mean if the phone calls continue or the demand for me coming back starts to escalate.0 -
DrifterBear wrote: »DrifterBear wrote: »Not catching up on the whole conversation here, just offering my $.02. First off, if the police use improper technique to collect evidence, the evidence is not admissible in court. Even if you 'cheated' his snooping almost becomes a bigger offence. That said, you both broke the trust too and it sounds like you're not getting it back.
The whole idea of a relationship is to figure out whether you can spend your life with someone... Unless you're just in it to have fun of course. Either way, this sounds like a *kitten* situation that's not headed anywhere. At a minimum, he doesn't sound like a very fun guy and at the maximum, how could you spend your life with someone constantly questioning and tracking you. My basic philosophy in a relationship is as soon as it comes to that point, it's over. PERIOD.
If it was an exclusive relationship and if you were 'cheating' (physically or emotionally), then you might want to not do that next time if you want a lasting monogamous relationship. But this guy sounds controlling , manipulative, and all sorts of crazy. I'd suggest changing passwords, moving, and if necessary, getting a restraining order if it comes to that.
Yeah, I definitely learned my lesson there. I made sure to change my passwords on everything I could think of, just worries me because he didn't know my password and I'm pretty positive he did some hacking to get into my facebook so I still don't feel safe or protected. I had considered a restraining order and will do so if he continues to be invasive.
It may come to a restraining order to feel safe, maybe go down to your local police station just to discuss options and get their opinion. Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn for the future. I'm sure you'll be fine, but you do want to take steps to know your options and get some record of what's going on. Don't ever question whether you're overreacting. Just feeling unsafe warrants doing something about it.
I don't want to discourage you taking action to feel safe from him but it will take more than him hacking into your accounts for a restraining order.
Yeah, I know that unfortunately. I guess I mean if the phone calls continue or the demand for me coming back starts to escalate.
That's my point, it's about what happens when (if) it escalates. Don't panic but don't dismiss it either, these things become serious sometimes. It's not a big deal to go to a police station and explain the situation. They'll tell you what options you have, what to look for and maybe give you some suggestions on how to make it stop.1 -
OMG..... this too.. sigh. I also have been "that" woman. I had a guy who seemed only to love me because I could serve as a baby sitter and a maid, and other who miraculously refused to work once we moved in together. When I finally got fed up and was planning to leave he said, "But the rent is due and the phone bill!" Not, "I love you, let's work this out." He wanted me to pay his way while he went out doing what ever he wanted to do with his money once he finally did get a job and if I tried saving any money he acted like I was committing a sin because that meant he had to come up with some cash for his share of the expenses.
So just to be clear what we have here is
1) He refuses to trust you again.
2) He wants to control your social activity.
3) He needs your money.
Yes. Get out and don't go back. This guy is no good.3 -
Even if he was to propose, this is not the kind of relationship you want to be in. Get out ASAP.
Good luck oxox1 -
You shouldn't have been sexting, if you were in an exclusive relationship.4
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SO... he just showed up at my mom's house unannounced (from 2 hours away). He calls me and asks me to come outside, he's bawling on the phone, I refused to come out. He's begging for me back. This is the most insane thing that's ever happened to me. I really don't know what to do.1
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Don't go outside alone - or at all3
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You are right, it is scary. I wish I could advise you better...Just keep yourself safe. Is your family at home with
you?0 -
_har_T_Swallow wrote: »yeah prob time to block his number and all that.
next thing you know he'll be calling at like 1am threatening suicide "i can't live without you bby" etc
(side note- if that happens, don't say anything just call the police and tell them- that'll scare him straight if he's just putting it all on for show. and if it isn't for show, then he needs help anyhow)
I agree 100%1 -
In my opinion, any relationship should have its boundaries and rules;
Especially for an emotional relationship, which based on logic and reason, being faithful is the most integral part!
If a relationship lacks logic, its madness and deserve to be cut; if its based on logic, than logic would keep it tight!0 -
There is another important point!
You need to distinguish between love and passion;
According to an oriental philosopher, love is a Fire which destroys everyone and everything, but the beloved!
But passion is like a paper tissue; when you set Fire on in, it would rapidly burn but extinguishes even faster3 -
Never go back what a crazy guy0
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On the bright side Your stupidity saved you from getting deeper involved with a crazy man4
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As a dude let me say this. Get Out!. He's is 100% not going to get better and start trusting you. This guy has serious insecurities and the fact that he's already invaded your personal space (phone and fb) is a sign he has no control acting on those insecurities. If it was just asking you constantly where you are, maybe that he could change. But this is way to much. Get Out.2
This discussion has been closed.
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