What was your point of disgust?

vonmarks wrote: »

hit 170. On my 40th birthday, two months ago, I had decided that my life was over and there was no reason to keep living. All the things I had done in the last couple years had made no changes to my life other than aesthetically and no matter how much I tried to fit in with the world around me I would never be accepted. The depression ran deep again with some serious considerations of just ending it all.

Please, please, please seek professional, medical help for your depression.

vonmarks wrote: »

After living like that for another 8 months and several turn downs and dating site failures(not even one date in 4 years!) I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I kept telling myself I would start working out again if I ever hit 170. I "ballooned" back up to 176 after a couple of months. On my 40th birthday, two months ago, I had decided that my life was over and there was no reason to keep living. All the things I had done in the last couple years had made no changes to my life other than aesthetically and no matter how much I tried to fit in with the world around me I would never be accepted. The depression ran deep again with some serious considerations of just ending it all. I really thought about what had changed during the last couple months and came to the conclusion that it is possible that my current diet of bad foods had affected my thinking. I read or heard once that sugars could affect the mindset dramatically. I lay on my bed once again looking down at my body and I decided to start my programs again. Either having my mind occupied with thoughts of working out and goals or the change in diet or a combination of both got me back on track and I got back to 155. I am thinking of making a run at 145 or less. I guess to actually answer the question of "point of disgust" it would have been each time I laid on my bed and looked down. I offer no advice other than if one can look at that themselves and be genuinely accepting and happy with the appearance then do nothing but if you see the slightest bit of darkness try to reconstruct it to your own standards.

I second the previous poster's concern for your emotional health and also think seeing a professional may be called for. However, for whatever it's worth, please do understand that the social troubles you have had are absolutely normal in this day in age. I realise saying that is not actually a solution to your problem; I'm not aiming for the 'misery loves company' defence, just hoping to at least make it clear that if you're lonely and lacking in simple human contact it's not because you've done anything wrong. We are, as a society, living through a terrible age of loneliness and disconnection. Not everybody realises that because everybody tries to put on a brave face when they're in front of others. It's little comfort, I'm sure.

Out of left field suggestion: if you can afford it what about some travel? I have specific parameters for what I mean by 'travel' in this context, but I speak from experience. Try to carve out a block of time—at least a month if it is in any way feasible for you (I realise we have jobs and responsibilities) but two weeks if not. And don't stay in traditional hotels OR Airbnbs (well most types of Airbnb that is): what you're looking for is something like a backpacker hostel, but you don't need to actually be properly backpacking, nor do you need to be super young (they also have single rooms if you're not into the dorm thing). All types stay at hostels: single travellers, business people, families, and yes hippies too; ages skew youngish but 40 is far from out of the question and I've met several in their 50s and 60s! The key is that you stay in accommodation that has common rooms, cafeterias, rooftop terraces, stuff like that where guests don't just sit in their own rooms but simply position themselves in one of the common rooms, buy a beer from the refrigerator next to the reception desk, meet each other, ask each other where they've been to and where they're going next, etc. In my experience, people who meet each other travelling tend to stay friends because everybody is at loose ends during the liminal experience of travel, everybody is open and actually desiring to meet new people, have adventures together, etc. And you keep in touch because you have a shared experience together that nobody else from their home lives understands. In my case, people I met backpacking in Europe on one trip turned into friends I went to visit and stay with (free accommodation!) on the next backpacking trip to Asia and Australia a few years later. Budget-wise, I once did a two-month trip around Europe (staying in dorms, riding Eurrail) and actually had more money in my bank account when I got home than when I left. Note: I'd accrued a month of leave so got paid half the time I was gone, but I was also working at a non-profit so my salary was not impressive. It's more doable than people think, and really kickstarted me at a time when I also felt incredibly isolated and lonely in my normal life.

I appreciate the thoughts and concerns of those who replied to my post. Coincidentally the thing that started my depression was a therapist. I had gone to her for a work related issue stemming from out performing everyone but not being compensated the same, and pound for pound far less, which eventually led to me starting my own company. Anyway, she wanted to steer the conversations to my personal life which I was against but that's the way we went. I was content with my life, maybe not happy but at least content. She started suggesting all the changes I made insisting that it would make me feel better even though I felt fine and just wanted to know why I was treated different than my co-workers. To be very blunt about my life at that point, I had never been laid while I was a non-smoking, sober, in shape, short hair, free thinking, independent person. From the age of 18 to 24 I lived a relatively healthy lifestyle, worked out regularly, ate right, not much drinking and had a decent income. But when I was out with friends I always noticed at the end of the night I was always alone. For those 6 years I was in a forced celibacy by women. It wasn't until I started drinking heavy and not caring about myself that I finally started getting noticed by women. Coincidentally that is how I scored in high school. I didn't even get a first kiss until I started drinking sophomore year. I quit after graduating to focus on life I or so I thought. Trust me, I know they weren't the right ones but at that point at least it was better than being alone. I lived like that from 25 to 31. Eventually I grew out of that and just sunk into a routine(rut) where I would just work, drink, repeat. During that time I maintained a weight of 175 which I was okay with. Had a couple relationships that just didn't work, basically they had to move and I wasn't that invested into the relationship. Then the work/therapist thing happened at 36. She made me feel, right or wrong, that my life was worthless. She made me believe that everything I was doing had made my life terrible even if I felt happy about it. I had no feelings of depression. I liked that I could have a couple beers after work even it led to getting drunk more times than not. But I knew it wasn't healthy mentally or physically. I tried telling her repeatedly that her suggestions to me have already been done and it did nothing for me. But ever the optimist I said I would do it again. So I went back to being sober, quit smoking, exercising again, etc. In fact that's when I noticed I had actually gained weight. Sure I was exercising but I wasn't counting calories or actually paying attention to foods I was eating. I took out fast foods and restaurants and was making my own meals. But my meals were technically 2 servings or more. I had stopped seeing the therapist because she made me feel worse about myself. I mean if the best version of me couldn't meet someone what was the point of being around. Besides I went there for work and she did nothing for that and I quit that job anyway. I gave thought to some of the things she said though and agreed that I still wasn't at my best since I was technically overweight. Then I did what I said in the original post, cutting down to 155lbs and following the other goals more strictly. I had a list made of all my goals and I had conquered them all except two, meeting a woman and having a child. I decided that if I reach 40 and do not have a child then it will never happen. Some people will chime in with "lots of people have kids after 40", and that's great, I just decided for myself that I do not want to be 50 with kids still in school. I would rather be planning an early retirement and maybe doing that traveling that someone suggested instead. As for travelling now, I'm not much for doing things alone and since starting my company I haven't had the resources to do much yet.

So now I'm back to being a non-smoking, sober, in shape, short hair, free thinking, independent person in a forced celibacy once again for the last 3+ years. My original plan was to to go back to my old life style once I got to 170. I am growing my hair back. I throw several parties throughout the year for big sporting events and have refrained from drinking but really want to just for the heck of it. Funny analogy - you don't need shoes to run but it does make it more enjoyable. The only thing that stops me is I know I will start smoking once I start drinking and I really don't want to do that. But when I did all that stuff I actually got laid so there is that.

Not really looking to make this about me just letting those who commented know that I'm fine. I'm in a good place as of now while I chase down 145. My most recent party was last weekend after I checked in at 155 and I had a ton of leftovers that I finally finished so I'm actually back in the low 160's but that'll be gone in no time. I'm a pretty loyal and dedicated to myself. I told myself I couldn't have a drink until I made 170 then changed it to 155 then changed it to 145 so I'm pretty sure I will change it again because 135 is still a possibility and physically I can handle it. But I also can handle double chocolate thins from chips ahoy so 135 is going to have to wait until those things go off the market.

I was always comfortable with who I was and the size I was, until we went on vacation back home to visit my parents.

They fed us so much while we were there, by the end of the trip I couldn't get my pants closed (they were a 23W). After the 6 hour plane ride back to reality, we stopped for supper at Wendy's. I hadn't eaten anything all day, but I still felt soooo sick and bloated.

I remember looking down at my chili cheese fries, and whispering to myself, the fries and my husband..."...I can't do this anymore.....I just...I just can't..."

And I never looked back. I've lost 160lb since then. I've re-joined MFP to help with the last 20lbs