My Life Is Full Of Drama

MissGorgeous · February 2009

So
im not sure how much everyone knows about me
but im married with 3 kids
my husband owns a bar and grill
i got married very young and havent had to work
ive in a salon as an esthetician and of course helped around my husbands bar...but its for fun and something to do!

anyways my husband and i seem to be on and off
one min together the next we are divorcing
and its always my fault
he loves me and wants to be with me
and treats me like a total princess
but im the one who wants to see other people
and party and be crazy
but thats because im 19 and he is 32
hes already done that
i love him to death but i cant decide what i want

so i decided to get a job
NOT with him at his bar and grill
because i need space hahaa
i want to have fun and flirt and serve and make tips
and at his bar i dont do that
i just do payroll and manage which is boring

so today i started at a sports bar
as a server kinda thing
its like hooters but country haa
we wear jean mini skirts and cowboy boots and cowboy hats
with these itty bitty tank tops that show ALOT of cleavage

my husband is NOT happy with me
he wants me to work with him
he hates that i now want to show more skin and wear more revealing clothes...he dosent like the fact that i want to go out and party and have fun and hates that i spend 6+ hours at the gym a week
hes just so against the "new" me

so my question is
to respect my husband
should i just quit my new job?
and help at his bar again?

i just cant stay home with all 3kids all the time
i need adult interaction!!

i did try to teach dance at a kids dance studio
but again...MORE KIDS so that didnt work

so whats your advice?????

MissGorgeous · February 2009

So
im not sure how much everyone knows about me
but im married with 3 kids
my husband owns a bar and grill
i got married very young and havent had to work
ive in a salon as an esthetician and of course helped around my husbands bar...but its for fun and something to do!

anyways my husband and i seem to be on and off
one min together the next we are divorcing
and its always my fault
he loves me and wants to be with me
and treats me like a total princess
but im the one who wants to see other people
and party and be crazy
but thats because im 19 and he is 32
hes already done that
i love him to death but i cant decide what i want

so i decided to get a job
NOT with him at his bar and grill
because i need space hahaa
i want to have fun and flirt and serve and make tips
and at his bar i dont do that
i just do payroll and manage which is boring

so today i started at a sports bar
as a server kinda thing
its like hooters but country haa
we wear jean mini skirts and cowboy boots and cowboy hats
with these itty bitty tank tops that show ALOT of cleavage

my husband is NOT happy with me
he wants me to work with him
he hates that i now want to show more skin and wear more revealing clothes...he dosent like the fact that i want to go out and party and have fun and hates that i spend 6+ hours at the gym a week
hes just so against the "new" me

so my question is
to respect my husband
should i just quit my new job?
and help at his bar again?

i just cant stay home with all 3kids all the time
i need adult interaction!!

i did try to teach dance at a kids dance studio
but again...MORE KIDS so that didnt work

so whats your advice?????

mgeek40 · February 2009

All I can say about your on and off situation is communicate. My wife and I didn't and she ended up finding someone else and walking out on myself and our kids.

Wolfena · February 2009

If you want to flirt and date and party with other people.... why did you get married??

Particularly to a man who has 3 kids (assuming they are his since you are only 19) I know the world says age doesn't matter in a relationship, and maybe it doesn't if you're both on the same page of life. BUT his being 32 with children marrying a 19 year old who still wants to party?? I'm kinda wondering "WHAT WAS HE THINKING!" :laugh: (Sorry - I know, stereotypical thinking - I know nothing about your relationship) It's obvious to me that the two of you are not on the same page right now.

Of course he doesn't like it - you're supposed to be his wife! There is nothing wrong with having friends and hobbies of your own, but from what you're writing I'm not sure if that's what you're trying to do. It sounds like a bit more than that is what you want.

Marriage is about communication and compromise on both of your parts AND commitment - somehow that's what you guys will have to do to work through this.

Only you can truly know what the priorities are in your life and whether you want to continue to be married or not as to if you are even willing to compromise and keep your marital promise of commitment.

kerrilucko · February 2009

you want to... see other people? Hunny, you're MARRIED. You've commited yourself to one man. Yes, you are young, but that doesn't mean you get to up and go off to see other men. If the marriage was a mistake and you're unhappy in it then maybe you should seek a divorce, or at least some couple's counseling. I'm I'm being totally honest you sound like a high school gilr who's getting a little bored with her first crush.

anabellebf · February 2009

Why did you marry him? You need to decide on your priorities... I'm sure he's very afraid that you'll cheat.

ohthatbambi · February 2009

you want to... see other people? Hunny, you're MARRIED. You've commited yourself to one man. Yes, you are young, but that doesn't mean you get to up and go off to see other men. If the marriage was a mistake and you're unhappy in it then maybe you should seek a divorce, or at least some couple's counseling. I'm I'm being totally honest you sound like a high school gilr who's getting a little bored with her first crush.

Have to agree here. Probably not what you want to hear, but you are married and part of being married is being faithful.

artschoolgirl · February 2009

Tough answers, but....a mom of any amount of kids should not be at a bar wearing close to nothing and interested in flirting with others, this is going to be embarrasing for them or set a bad example....And if your husband isn't wanting you to do it and you're already on the rocks, well, it sounds like you better get rid of the trashy job and work on your marriage. I know that after losing a lot of weight you are feeling better and more confident in yourself and wanting people to tell you that you look great,and your husband and MFP can help you with that. You need to rediscover your marriage and try to have date nights and some alone nights with your hubby....

Keep up your amazing work! You're too beautiful and have accomplished too much to be reduced to mini skirts and cowboy boots.

MissGorgeous · February 2009

All I can say about your on and off situation is communicate. My wife and I didn't and she ended up finding someone else and walking out on myself and our kids.

i did that but came back home!

KatieEppers · February 2009

You definitely sound unhappy and I don't want to sound judgmental. But dalin' you are married to the man and decisions should definitely be made together. And if your motivation is to "flirt" at the new job, marriage doesn't sound like the place for you. However, I am not at all saying that you should immediately seek divorce because I am sick of that word. People don't treat marriage with respect anymore and it SICKENS me. People are more committed to a cell phone plan than a marriage anymore. For better or for worse, means just that. I hope you and your husband can come to some sort of agreement in this area. I hope it works out for you.

AmandaJ · February 2009

It sounds to me like you are bored and don't really know what you want out of life, but you are married. You made a commitment to your husband and his (?) kids. You admit he treats like a princess so it sounds to me like you are one who isn't happy and maybe think you settled down to soon. However, you committed yourself to him, have you considered counseling with him or by yourself.

songbyrdsweet · February 2009

I have to agree with Kerri.
He is not against the 'new you'...he is undoubtedly proud of your progress and happy you are so healthy. It sounds like he's worried because, like you said, you are 19 and want to party. But you're his wife. He's worried about losing you.

I started dating my current boyfriend when I was 18, and I am now almost 22. I have been in your position--feeling I needed freedom. I never got married, though, and we have recently realized that it's not in our future either. We have different goals. Marriage is a serious commitment that takes a great deal of maturity. Either grow into it now, or you'll have to make the difficult decision as to whether you're ready for marriage or not.

Fitness_Chick · February 2009

Hey Missy,
If I'm remembering correctly from what you've shared in the past you've got 3 kiddo's of your own, right? So think on how that might be...19 single with 3 children in tow if you ended up deciding to go your own ways. Each relationship we enter has it's ups and down, every single one of them, from a close friendhsip to a work relationship to a couple's relationship...that's simply how it works...we hopefully learn from the tougher times and enjoy and embrace the awesome times. Somedays it's a bit more mundane but think hard on this...to move on with 3 kids and then be on your own, will be far from easy Hon.:ohwell:

I know life is much different for us when we gain back our selfesteem, we want to try out new things, meet new people but ending a marriage is a pretty big deal...it not only effects you and the hub but the kiddo's as well, for the rest of their lives...not just now.

I don't see any problem with a Mom wanting to get out and interact with adults but perhaps a different type of job might work better. He most likely is afraid of all the changes you've made, this happens sometimes when we make huge changes or our partner does... communication is so key!

I wish you nothing but the best Missy!:flowerforyou:

Just some thoughts.....

FC

MissGorgeous · February 2009

If you want to flirt and date and party with other people.... why did you get married??

Particularly to a man who has 3 kids (assuming they are his since you are only 19) I know the world says age doesn't matter in a relationship, and maybe it doesn't if you're both on the same page of life. BUT his being 32 with children marrying a 19 year old who still wants to party?? I'm kinda wondering "WHAT WAS HE THINKING!" :laugh: (Sorry - I know, stereotypical thinking - I know nothing about your relationship) It's obvious to me that the two of you are not on the same page right now.

Of course he doesn't like it - you're supposed to be his wife! There is nothing wrong with having friends and hobbies of your own, but from what you're writing I'm not sure if that's what you're trying to do. It sounds like a bit more than that is what you want.

Marriage is about communication and compromise on both of your parts AND commitment - somehow that's what you guys will have to do to work through this.

Only you can truly know what the priorities are in your life and whether you want to continue to be married or not as to if you are even willing to compromise and keep your marital promise of commitment.

i didnt marry a man with three kids!
step and our own also
(3years.... 15months and 3months)
(we dnt do the step kid thing the mom isnt around andhasnt been since birth so I AM MOMMY)
when i got married i was ready to settle down
so i thought..i didnt party...i didnt go out
i love him alot but i dont know what i want
so im struggling
hes gotten more busy with THREE kids and a bar and grill
and they just opened another
which means less time for us
so i keep telling him i need time and attention too!

he has a right tO be upset
the person he dated and married a few years ago
is not who i am today
but people change and i still love him and our family
JUST CONFUSED.
:-(

MissGorgeous · February 2009

you want to... see other people? Hunny, you're MARRIED. You've commited yourself to one man. Yes, you are young, but that doesn't mean you get to up and go off to see other men. If the marriage was a mistake and you're unhappy in it then maybe you should seek a divorce, or at least some couple's counseling. I'm I'm being totally honest you sound like a high school gilr who's getting a little bored with her first crush.

i got married at 17
we filed for divorce and we changed our mind
we did counseing and it was lame
we get along fine
we talk and laugh and are best friends
we spend alot of time as a family...well we used to
but just needs to understand
spend more time wth me
ir i will find someone else who will
and he does great for a few weeks
and then starts working 80+hours and golfing or snowboarding
on his ONE day off

KatieEppers · February 2009

Good points FC!

I totally wish the best for you, BeGorgeous! You are beautiful. I checked out your profile and wow, you have made some drastic changes. But I also noticed this little line in there:

"I really hate when ppl make promises they cant keep "

So think long and hard so you are certain you can look yourself in the mirror later in life. I wish you the best.

songbyrdsweet · February 2009

It's not surprising that you went to counseling. There is a generational difference between the two of you. It sounds like you got married so young that you didn't even know whether you'd want to eventually party. You're not even 21 yet--what will happen when you can get into any bar or dance club in town? Getting along in a relationship doesn't mean it's appropriate to be married. Two good people can get along easily but still have a dysfunctional marriage or romantic relationship.

nwfamilygal · February 2009

Sounds to me like you need to make a date night with your hubby and stick to it. Always try and make time just for the two of you.

Also I'll tell you one thing it isn't always green on the other side of the fence. :frown:

fitchick99 · February 2009

You got married at 17????? That's INSANE!! I have an 18 yr old who'd I'd knock his block off if he even thought about marriage, at that age, you should be in university studying to better yourself, you should be having fun, dating, hanging out with friends, holy crap my kid can't commit to a cat we got him, half the time the darn thing walks around here begging us to change it's litter cause my son "forgets" i'd serious question his judgement on deciding to marry...wow, is all I can say, you've got a lot on your plate, you gotta grow up, you have no choice, you no longer have the priviledge of hanging out like ione of the girls, you made the decision to be a mommy and a wife, and my opinion only, you need to give it 100% before bailing, not enough people commit, the way they should, lord knows there's enough children who don't need to have disfunctional families, don't let it be your kids that have to go through this, you are their mentor, your shaping their little minds and attitude towards marriage and love, and commitment, show them what it means to accept responsibility for actions and choices that you make, it's a great gift to them you'll be giving.....I just feel rally bad that mom and dad can't get their act together, only the kids willl suffer through this one.....my two cents only....i'm a child of divorced parents,,,,and it SUCKED BIG TIME!

keiko · February 2009

I don't think it's because you've changed. You have just become selfish. Quit thinking about poor you and start thinking about your kids. They deserve a mom who wants to raise them. Not one who thinks she needs to party and flirt with other guys.

I know it's hard to be with kids all day. I've been there. I wanted adult interaction so I volunteered at an after hours clinic doing office work. I am sure you can find something. Maybe take some classes so that when your kids go to school you can get a job.

If you want to spend more time with your husband then work with him. He sounds like he is trying to give you and your kids a good life and provide for you. There are alot of guys out there that will flirt with you and take you home for a night. It's harder to find one that is responsible, treats you like a princess and supports you and your kids.

MissGorgeous · February 2009

thanks for all the support everyone.

i dont regret my marriage nor children
i love my family and husband
but prior to opening the second bar & grill
we spent his 2 off days together
he works everyday 4pm to 3am he bartends now
one off day was date night and other was with the kids
at seaworld disneyland or the wild animal park
but he started working more and eventually
met someone who made time for me
and i didnt cheat...but ending up telling my husband and left for a few months...im now back and realzed that guy i dated was a jerk!
my husband told me he was sorry and it was all his fault he wasnt taking care of his responsiblities at home and he knows i need the same time and attention he used to give while dating and first married
so agreeded to make time for me and be better
and he did for a bit....but hes working alottttttt again
im gunna try to talk to him again
before i ruin my mattiage

sunflower8926 · February 2009

If you want to flirt and date and party with other people.... why did you get married??

Particularly to a man who has 3 kids (assuming they are his since you are only 19) I know the world says age doesn't matter in a relationship, and maybe it doesn't if you're both on the same page of life. BUT his being 32 with children marrying a 19 year old who still wants to party?? I'm kinda wondering "WHAT WAS HE THINKING!" :laugh: (Sorry - I know, stereotypical thinking - I know nothing about your relationship) It's obvious to me that the two of you are not on the same page right now.

Of course he doesn't like it - you're supposed to be his wife! There is nothing wrong with having friends and hobbies of your own, but from what you're writing I'm not sure if that's what you're trying to do. It sounds like a bit more than that is what you want.

Marriage is about communication and compromise on both of your parts AND commitment - somehow that's what you guys will have to do to work through this.

Only you can truly know what the priorities are in your life and whether you want to continue to be married or not as to if you are even willing to compromise and keep your marital promise of commitment.

i didnt marry a man with three kids!
step and our own also
(3years.... 15months and 3months)
(we dnt do the step kid thing the mom isnt around andhasnt been since birth so I AM MOMMY)
when i got married i was ready to settle down
so i thought..i didnt party...i didnt go out
i love him alot but i dont know what i want
so im struggling
hes gotten more busy with THREE kids and a bar and grill
and they just opened another
which means less time for us
so i keep telling him i need time and attention too!

he has a right tO be upset
the person he dated and married a few years ago
is not who i am today
but people change and i still love him and our family
JUST CONFUSED.
:-(

This says more than your first post. Have you heard of the book, "Love and Respect"? It is based on the idea that men need unconditional respect, and lots of it, and that women need unconditional love, and lots of it.

What I hear you saying is that something is missing - possibly the attention from him that you used to have - and that you are seeking it somewhere else. What he is probably feeling from your flirting with other men is a lack of respect (and rightly so). This is going down a pretty dangerous road, and once you've had a wreck, it will be hard to make things pretty again.

Like all the others have said, marriage is a committment. If you are committed, then spend your energy seeking the fulfillment you need within that marriage. (Realistically, you are going to be faced with the same dilemna in your next relationship, anyway.) My advice? Have a good long look at what you are craving, and sort things out about what your needs are. Then have a good long talk with hubby about how both of your needs can be met.

Just my 2 cents.

MyaPapaya75 · February 2009

Hmmm I do agree with what many have posted here..You need to find out what you want to do with your life. Your decisions not only affect you and your husband but 3 kids. A breakup does not mean your gonna have party ,flirt time because you will be a single mother of at least the 2 kids you had with your husband...based on your reasoning for wanting another job "flirt & meet people" I would say you need to really concentrate on your family and work at the family business. This is not saying give up your dreams and being who you are..but you have other people to consider and decisions to make based on them. If you had a better reason for wanting to work in the Beauty Industry then it would be a bit more understanding. Im a Cosmetologist and not to bust a bubble or anything but the fact is your going to have limited options on flirting at any salon. Its fast paced and 9 times out of 10 many of them men are not even interested in women....I hope whatever you do you make the right choice for the "family" that you agreed and promised to care for. As far as attention goes having 3 kids will make the amount of time your hubby can invest in you WAY less than it was when you were dating. 3 kids equals more work hours. You seem to have a lot of time 6+hrs at the gym per week perhaps make it 5hrs and then have lunch 1hr with adult friends. Then you have your "me" "adult" time without sacrificing your "family" time and marriage.

crystal_sapphire · February 2009

i don't have time to read all the comments but i really suggest marriage counseling.

kerrilucko · February 2009

thanks for all the support everyone.

i dont regret my marriage nor children
i love my family and husband
but prior to opening the second bar & grill
we spent his 2 off days together
he works everyday 4pm to 3am he bartends now
one off day was date night and other was with the kids
at seaworld disneyland or the wild animal park
but he started working more and eventually
met someone who made time for me
and i didnt cheat...but ending up telling my husband and left for a few months...im now back and realzed that guy i dated was a jerk!
my husband told me he was sorry and it was all his fault he wasnt taking care of his responsiblities at home and he knows i need the same time and attention he used to give while dating and first married
so agreeded to make time for me and be better
and he did for a bit....but hes working alottttttt again
im gunna try to talk to him again
before i ruin my mattiage

I'm pretty sure... last time I checked... dating someone else while you're married... that IS cheating. I do think you need to go talk to him. I think you need to really think about what you're saying and doing. He's working 80 hr weeks to support you and your 3 kids and that makes you upset? He's providing for your family, if that means there's less time spent with you then you need to make every second you have together count. Don't spend those valuable minutes telling him about you scuzzy new hooters job or that you want to see other people. YOU need to try being there for HIM too. Relationships are a two-way street. How would you feel if HE met someone else, and dated her, WHILE HE WAS MARRIED TO YOU!? I'm sorry, but 17 is too young to get married. And seriously? what the hell was a 30 yr old doing marrying a 17 yr old?? Anyways sorry, I'm very opinionated, can ya tell?? Good luck with everything, hope it turns out well, especially for the kids' sake.

songbyrdsweet · February 2009

thanks for all the support everyone.

i dont regret my marriage nor children
i love my family and husband
but prior to opening the second bar & grill
we spent his 2 off days together
he works everyday 4pm to 3am he bartends now
one off day was date night and other was with the kids
at seaworld disneyland or the wild animal park
but he started working more and eventually
met someone who made time for me
and i didnt cheat...but ending up telling my husband and left for a few months...im now back and realzed that guy i dated was a jerk!
my husband told me he was sorry and it was all his fault he wasnt taking care of his responsiblities at home and he knows i need the same time and attention he used to give while dating and first married
so agreeded to make time for me and be better
and he did for a bit....but hes working alottttttt again
im gunna try to talk to him again
before i ruin my mattiage

I'm pretty sure... last time I checked... dating someone else while you're married... that IS cheating. I do think you need to go talk to him. I think you need to really think about what you're saying and doing. He's working 80 hr weeks to support you and your 3 kids and that makes you upset? He's providing for your family, if that means there's less time spent with you then you need to make every second you have together count. Don't spend those valuable minutes telling him about you scuzzy new hooters job or that you want to see other people. YOU need to try being there for HIM too. Relationships are a two-way street. How would you feel if HE met someone else, and dated her, WHILE HE WAS MARRIED TO YOU!? I'm sorry, but 17 is too young to get married. And seriously? what the hell was a 30 yr old doing marrying a 17 yr old?? Anyways sorry, I'm very opinionated, can ya tell?? Good luck with everything, hope it turns out well, especially for the kids' sake.

Yea, I agree with all of this.
I am doing school full time and working 20-30 hours per week and trying to keep a 4.0 and train, and my boyfriend is working 40+ hour work weeks too. We have an apartment and bills to pay for. If he were to work 80 hours a week so I could just focus on school, the last thing on my mind would be to find someone else. MEN are few and far between, and it sounds like you have one. If we can find time to spend together, even if it is just an hour before bed, so can you. Relationships are active. Love is active. Affection is active. You can't expect it all to come to you. You have to share it.

MissGorgeous · February 2009

thanks everyone
all advice and words are appreciated
and helping me think

we had alot of married friends
i used time with all my married friends
while our hubbys worked and we wouldd stuff like lunchs shopping playdates and now...all but two of thoes friends are divorced and now they get to party and have fun so i might even envy them for that

but i need to remember
i have kids and a husband who cares
and thats def more important
my kids def come first in my life
i spend all day and most nights me and the kids
just when my sister in laws or mother in law
take the kids...i get an itch to go party
ill use that time to make ask my hubby to take off work
but i just feel like i shouldnt have to remind him to spend time with me
he should want to....not be obligated to??? you get it?
idk.....i fee like if he cant remember to spend time with me
then he dosent want to???

KatieEppers · February 2009

thanks everyone
all advice and words are appreciated
and helping me think

we had alot of married friends
i used time with all my married friends
while our hubbys worked and we wouldd stuff like lunchs shopping playdates and now...all but two of thoes friends are divorced and now they get to party and have fun so i might even envy them for that

but i need to remember
i have kids and a husband who cares
and thats def more important
my kids def come first in my life
i spend all day and most nights me and the kids
just when my sister in laws or mother in law
take the kids...i get an itch to go party
ill use that time to make ask my hubby to take off work
but i just feel like i shouldnt have to remind him to spend time with me
he should want to....not be obligated to??? you get it?
idk.....i fee like if he cant remember to spend time with me
then he dosent want to???

I understand what you mean about not wanting to remind him to spend time with you, I have been there. But what helped me is learning that in his mind, providing for you and the kiddos is the MOST important thing. Also, quality time may not be his love language so he really may not realize just how important it is to you. Remember, typically speaking, men are better at focusing on one task as opposed to women who typically do more multi-tasking. He may need help to adjust his focus. It is disconcerting to have to remind him, but it is life. HTH.

magichatter06 · February 2009

I just wonder what all this hype is about partying? I am 20 years old and never been to a single party in my life, and that doesn't mean that I still don't have fun. Who needs to drink and make a full of themself to have fun.

I think the advice I could offer is getting priorities in line whether you want to be a 19 year old wife who stays home and takes care of the kids for the rest of her life or be the 19 year old party girl with kids who might bounce from guy to guy.

Hope this wasn't harsh and I hope that things look up for you! :flowerforyou:

TRLTAMPA · February 2009

Sounds a lot like my first marriage. I was young. Had my first 3 kids back to back. (last one popped up a few years later).
He was 8 yrs older than I was and tried to control my every move. I didn't start out wanting to see other people. I was never the party type. I was, however, soffocating under his thumb.
You need to decide, right now, whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man. You're a mother and the hanky panky lifestyle has to stop regardless. But as a wife, you need to be there for him, or be gone. Don't drag him through your coming of age, sowing you wild oats. Everyone goes through those stages, but you need to have self control. Set a good example for your children. You will have to answer some tough questions from them later.

songbyrdsweet · February 2009

I just wonder what all this hype is about partying? I am 20 years old and never been to a single party in my life, and that doesn't mean that I still don't have fun. Who needs to drink and make a full of themself to have fun.

I think the advice I could offer is getting priorities in line whether you want to be a 19 year old wife who stays home and takes care of the kids for the rest of her life or be the 19 year old party girl with kids who might bounce from guy to guy.

Hope this wasn't harsh and I hope that things look up for you! :flowerforyou:

I have no idea. I am almost 22 and have been to parties, and I can tell you from experience they are pretty useless. I miss parties from when I was little where you could walk up to someone and ask "Can I color with you?" and you were best friends for the rest of the day because you both liked Big Bird. Dancing is fun, but that's something you can do with your man for a special date night.

My Life Is Full Of Drama

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