Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to ask me to pay him to live with him?

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Replies

  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
    silkmouse wrote: »
    My boyfriend has said he wants to marry me and has asked me to live with him. He is looking for a place right now. The first many times he brought it up, he said I wouldn't have to pay but now he is saying I need to pay him to live there. This makes me hesitate because it feels like a business transaction. If we have kids, will the kids have to pay to live there too? Plus in the past when he wasn't working I would pay for his ticket to museums or transportation and didn't ask him to pay me.

    At this point if he views the relationship as a business deal I am thinking I may have to break it off even though everything has been great so far and he has been a great partner. If he is only with me in hopes of getting paid, it seems really inappropriate. I don't want to be mean, maybe I understood him wrong, but after he finds a place if he again voices that I have to pay him to live there, I'll tell him this is not the relationship I'm looking for and that I have enough self-respect to stay single.

    My father for instance took care of the whole family and my mother volunteers. He never charged her anything!

    Step back from your situation and view it in as disinterestedly a frame of mind as you possibly can.

    Here's my prediction, that you in your disinterested evaluation of your situation will say:

    "WTF!"

    What you choose to do with that realization is dependent upon your level of self respect.
  • liftorgohome
    liftorgohome Posts: 25,455 Member
    Where's her profile pic I want to see what this princess looks like. She better be a 15 out of 10.
  • eccomi_qui
    eccomi_qui Posts: 1,831 Member
    Where's her profile pic I want to see what this princess looks like. She better be a 15 out of 10.

    20
  • pudgy1977
    pudgy1977 Posts: 13,499 Member
    WTF 11 pages on this? If you have kids and a house and cars and a dog and want the finer things in life like vacations then you need two incomes period. It's not the 70's anymore. Everything should be 50/50 no matter who makes more.

    I always find this viewpoint very interesting. So if I make 200K a year and you make 35k a year you think we should be responsible for sharing 50% of the household financial obligations? I personally think that's insane, this coming from the partner who almost always has the larger income. Partnerships can be equal without splitting finances down the middle.


    Also just to touch back on the kielbasa conversation from a few pages ago, Kielbasa egg and cheese sandwiches might be the tastiest breakfast sandwich on the planet, just saying in case anyone wants to experience the awesomeness for themselves.

    I am soooooooo trying that this weekend
  • positivelynicki
    positivelynicki Posts: 2 Member
    cwolfman13 wrote: »
    This is my first time coming to these forums, and I gotta say... I am not disappointed.

    Have you checked out the poo thread?

    I have not... I can't decide if I should stay far, far away, or run right towards it. :neutral:
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    eccomi_qui wrote: »
    Where's her profile pic I want to see what this princess looks like. She better be a 15 out of 10.

    20

    30
  • jennybearlv
    jennybearlv Posts: 1,519 Member
    kenyonhaff wrote: »
    Your father took care of your mother...that's a very traditional model. And I won't say that invalid. For some couples that works.

    What your partner is putting forward is a typical modern set up: both partners contributing to the economic well-being of the household.

    What you want to do is the expectation that you lived--that the man takes care of the economics of the whole family. If that's the case, you need to find a man who is willing to do that. The two of you are working on way different modes of expectations.

    The traditional model is not as common as it was a few generations ago. One reason is purely economic: wages in the USA have been relatively stagnant since the 1970s. Also, women now go into adulthood with the expectation of having a career and therefore wage earning capacity.

    Unless the working spouse is making minimum wage it is possible to live off one income. It seems like most people just don't know enough about home economics these days to live without a maid, gardener, handyman, and expensive convenience foods. Plus, everyone, especially my family, thinks you are living in poverty if you don't have two cars, wear new clothes, have the latest gadgets, and go on expensive vacations.

    It is definitely true our attitudes about women having careers has changed. If someone would have told my teenage self I was going to be a homemaker I would have laughed in their face.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    mmmm.... Kielbasa & eggs.
  • W8WarI
    W8WarI Posts: 567 Member
    edited January 2018
    WTF 11 pages on this? If you have kids and a house and cars and a dog and want the finer things in life like vacations then you need two incomes period. It's not the 70's anymore. Everything should be 50/50 no matter who makes more.

    I always find this viewpoint very interesting. So if I make 200K a year and you make 35k a year you think we should be responsible for sharing 50% of the household financial obligations? I personally think that's insane, this coming from the partner who almost always has the larger income. Partnerships can be equal without splitting finances down the middle.


    Also just to touch back on the kielbasa conversation from a few pages ago, Kielbasa egg and cheese sandwiches might be the tastiest breakfast sandwich on the planet, just saying in case anyone wants to experience the awesomeness for themselves.

    I agree! Equality doesn't have to equate, with financial equation; for a relationship to be upon equal terms!
  • Katiebear_81
    Katiebear_81 Posts: 719 Member
    kenyonhaff wrote: »
    Your father took care of your mother...that's a very traditional model. And I won't say that invalid. For some couples that works.

    What your partner is putting forward is a typical modern set up: both partners contributing to the economic well-being of the household.

    What you want to do is the expectation that you lived--that the man takes care of the economics of the whole family. If that's the case, you need to find a man who is willing to do that. The two of you are working on way different modes of expectations.

    The traditional model is not as common as it was a few generations ago. One reason is purely economic: wages in the USA have been relatively stagnant since the 1970s. Also, women now go into adulthood with the expectation of having a career and therefore wage earning capacity.

    Unless the working spouse is making minimum wage it is possible to live off one income. It seems like most people just don't know enough about home economics these days to live without a maid, gardener, handyman, and expensive convenience foods. Plus, everyone, especially my family, thinks you are living in poverty if you don't have two cars, wear new clothes, have the latest gadgets, and go on expensive vacations.

    It is definitely true our attitudes about women having careers has changed. If someone would have told my teenage self I was going to be a homemaker I would have laughed in their face.

    All of this really depends on the cost of living where you reside. It's very expensive to provide housing where I live, regardless of whether you rent or own. Most families require either two working contributors, or one with a much higher than average income.
  • ronjsteele1
    ronjsteele1 Posts: 1,064 Member
    edited January 2018
    kenyonhaff wrote: »
    Your father took care of your mother...that's a very traditional model. And I won't say that invalid. For some couples that works.

    What your partner is putting forward is a typical modern set up: both partners contributing to the economic well-being of the household.

    What you want to do is the expectation that you lived--that the man takes care of the economics of the whole family. If that's the case, you need to find a man who is willing to do that. The two of you are working on way different modes of expectations.

    The traditional model is not as common as it was a few generations ago. One reason is purely economic: wages in the USA have been relatively stagnant since the 1970s. Also, women now go into adulthood with the expectation of having a career and therefore wage earning capacity.

    Unless the working spouse is making minimum wage it is possible to live off one income. It seems like most people just don't know enough about home economics these days to live without a maid, gardener, handyman, and expensive convenience foods. Plus, everyone, especially my family, thinks you are living in poverty if you don't have two cars, wear new clothes, have the latest gadgets, and go on expensive vacations.

    It is definitely true our attitudes about women having careers has changed. If someone would have told my teenage self I was going to be a homemaker I would have laughed in their face.


    Thank you. A lot of times I feel like people act like it "has" to take two incomes. It does not. But you do have to make different choices. We've raised 3 kids, owned 2 homes outright (not at the same time), and I homeschool all while on one income (and not exorbitant by any means). We've lived tightly and chose to give up a lot of luxeries that people have because it was important to us that I be able to stay home. There's a big difference between "have" to work and "want" to work. The difference is what one is willing to give up in between those two. I'm about to graduate our last child in a year and I start school in the fall so I can begin my own career when she's done. Life is full of choices. Most people choose to live up to their income level instead of below it. Those of us on one income just choose to live below our means.
  • deputy_randolph
    deputy_randolph Posts: 940 Member
    edited January 2018
    There are a lot of responses...not sure if OP is still reading, but I'll give an example:

    My husband and I have lived together for 16 years (2 years before we got married). When we graduated from college, I had a job immediately; I paid the rent for a couple of months. My husband soon got a much higher paying job. He paid the rent, and we split the utilities.

    I started graduate school and worked part-time, he continued paying rent, and I paid for a smaller portion of the utilities. We got married, bought a house, had 2 kids, and I stayed at home with kids for 9 years. He obviously paid for everything during this time, but I budgeted and kept household costs to a minimum.

    I've started working part-time and use my income to pay for the kids' activities.

    Yes, you SHOULD pay something to live with your bf. Does it have to be split down the middle? No. It should be fair...if he makes more $ maybe he should pay for more...but you should contribute financially.
  • Lisa8823168
    Lisa8823168 Posts: 139 Member
    Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.

    Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.

    My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
  • xFunctionalStrengthx
    xFunctionalStrengthx Posts: 4,928 Member
    silkmouse wrote: »
    Bottom line I just finished talking with my boyfriend and I told him point blank that I am not giving him a cent if he wants me to live with him. I also told him that if we get married I will not pay for food or anything else because he should take care of me and he said that he prefers it that way. I also told him that I am willing to clean and cook sometimes but he can't count on it. Right now we are still hanging out so I will get back to you guys later.

    I'm glad you got that sorted out. In the meantime don't let him spend any of your money and see if he is serious. Go half or let him pay. If you move in together and he pays for everything put most of your paycheck into savings or investments. It isn't fair that you go on shopping sprees while he pays the bills. If you have money put away you have something to fall back on if things don't work out. If you do get married and you end up staying home you have something to live off of in case he ever loses his job.

    No. Just no. Why should one person work and bank all their money while the other pays for everything? *kitten* that.

    It's a partnership. Meaning share bills, share work around the house, etc.
  • Munchberry
    Munchberry Posts: 172 Member
    You should clarify it with him. Once you have done that, then you can make a proper decision (financially and with regard to your relationship).

    Call me old fashioned, but living together is just room mating with benefits. If that is what you want, then it is splendid.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
    This thread has been very entertaining for me. Thank you all. And now to check out that poo thread.....
  • silkmouse
    silkmouse Posts: 53 Member
    silkmouse wrote: »
    tinak33 wrote: »
    Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. :#:D Way too cynical. hahaha

    Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!

    What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?

    Hi, well what I mean is that I went to some museums and parks with him and they cost money like the aquarium but he didn't have money as he hadn't started working so I had to pay for him. I also had to put money on his Oyster card as well and I topped up his phone 20 pounds. I would say I had known him for a few days before we started sightseeing.
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,573 Member
    silkmouse wrote: »
    silkmouse wrote: »
    tinak33 wrote: »
    Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. :#:D Way too cynical. hahaha

    Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!

    What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?

    Hi, well what I mean is that I went to some museums and parks with him and they cost money like the aquarium but he didn't have money as he hadn't started working so I had to pay for him. I also had to put money on his Oyster card as well and I topped up his phone 20 pounds. I would say I had known him for a few days before we started sightseeing.

    This just sounds worse and worse the more you explain
  • jennybearlv
    jennybearlv Posts: 1,519 Member
    silkmouse wrote: »
    Bottom line I just finished talking with my boyfriend and I told him point blank that I am not giving him a cent if he wants me to live with him. I also told him that if we get married I will not pay for food or anything else because he should take care of me and he said that he prefers it that way. I also told him that I am willing to clean and cook sometimes but he can't count on it. Right now we are still hanging out so I will get back to you guys later.

    I'm glad you got that sorted out. In the meantime don't let him spend any of your money and see if he is serious. Go half or let him pay. If you move in together and he pays for everything put most of your paycheck into savings or investments. It isn't fair that you go on shopping sprees while he pays the bills. If you have money put away you have something to fall back on if things don't work out. If you do get married and you end up staying home you have something to live off of in case he ever loses his job.

    No. Just no. Why should one person work and bank all their money while the other pays for everything? *kitten* that.

    It's a partnership. Meaning share bills, share work around the house, etc.

    Life's not fair and partnerships are never equal. Most women still do the majority of housework and caring for children and the elderly while earning less than men at work. If you want to split all chores and financial responsibilities 50/50, good for you. But, when did saving money become a bad idea?
  • xFunctionalStrengthx
    xFunctionalStrengthx Posts: 4,928 Member
    silkmouse wrote: »
    silkmouse wrote: »
    tinak33 wrote: »
    Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. :#:D Way too cynical. hahaha

    Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!

    What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?

    Hi, well what I mean is that I went to some museums and parks with him and they cost money like the aquarium but he didn't have money as he hadn't started working so I had to pay for him. I also had to put money on his Oyster card as well and I topped up his phone 20 pounds. I would say I had known him for a few days before we started sightseeing.

    Sounds like he's using you. But, I still stand by my comment of it being equal partnership. Not one or the other paying for everything.
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