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Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to ask me to pay him to live with him?
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I think you are mis-interpreting the words pay to live with him. Of course you should contribute to living with your boyfriend. Its the responsible thing to do.
Sit down and talk about how the relationship is going to work. What other costs apart from power, rent, food and insurances you will be sharing.1 -
So it’s 2018, the cost of living is high, and wages haven’t moved much. It generally takes a two person income to make a household run. If you’re looking for someone to take care of you, perhaps you should consider becoming a Sugar Baby.0
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I see a problem right off the bat. And it's in the way your framed your predicament. You are already involved in a power struggle, and power struggles in marital relationships are not good. When you marry, you legally have rights to property and your finances are mingled. There's no "pitching in" to pay rent: you pay it as a couple. What's next? He argues that you need to make more money because you're not putting up 50%? That dog don't hunt. My advice is GTFO. If that's not an option, marraige before cohabitation. The nit picky stuff and "who pays what and what is fair and your fair share and that's mine and not yours" stuff ruins marriages. Starting off that way? There's your sign.2
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It is intriguing to me that a lot of married people here don't treat their marriage as a unit. Like dump all money into one pot and plan together how it will leave the pot. Does the person who brings in more money have more say - proportionally? Whatever works I think. But for OP" best to nail that sort of thing down before you live together - much less marry and have children. Most fights in marriage are about money. 15 pages plus pages... Whew.1
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This thread is HOT, certified fresh.4
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3 weeks. I read 3 weeks together, yes? Grow up first.3
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lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
You life sounds so hard, 29 and expecting to live off your boyfriend for free or take money and live off your parents for free.
How about you contribute to the relationship? I would have never moved in with my boyfriend expecting to not pay half the expenses. I guess financial responsibility is not a thing where you come from.
I do contribute to the relationship by speaking English (Jasiek can't speak English at all), telling Jasiek that I love him, spending time with him, and coming up with cool places to go to like parks and museums.
*blown away*
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nevermind im in jail i dont wanna carry that on longer. Lol2
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lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
You life sounds so hard, 29 and expecting to live off your boyfriend for free or take money and live off your parents for free.
How about you contribute to the relationship? I would have never moved in with my boyfriend expecting to not pay half the expenses. I guess financial responsibility is not a thing where you come from.
I do contribute to the relationship by speaking English (Jasiek can't speak English at all), telling Jasiek that I love him, spending time with him, and coming up with cool places to go to like parks and museums.
I just want a girl who will mooch off me, tell me she loves me in English, spend some time with me in English and find cool places to go on dates like parks and museums because I'm absolute rubbish at planning dates.
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Help get him into a school that gives language lessons.
It looks like you two have different backgrounds and expectations about partnership/marriage.
Do the guy a favor and let him go soon.0 -
OP, if you're reading this
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Avocado_AS5 wrote: »Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice.
Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?
In essence Jasiek works 8 pm - 5 pm daily approximately in construction 5 days a week and then for me I wake up, go to the gym, read books from the library, hang out with people during the day, and then meet up with Jasiek. Sometimes I also study Polish, I listen to music and watch TV as well.
#goals2 -
poetic_cell wrote: »Avocado_AS5 wrote: »Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?
In essence Jasiek works 8 pm - 5 pm daily approximately in construction 5 days a week and then for me I wake up, go to the gym, read books from the library, hang out with people during the day, and then meet up with Jasiek. Sometimes I also study Polish, I listen to music and watch TV as well.
#goals
No kidding this chicks got it made!1 -
Can you tell us how you two met? I think it's relevant for this discussion.0
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MeeseeksAndDestroy wrote: »You're gonna have to put out a lot
I put out and pay my way
God I'm a mug.3 -
I swear to God this is a troll thread. I called it pages back. It *kitten* has to be!1
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xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »jennybearlv wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »jennybearlv wrote: »Bottom line I just finished talking with my boyfriend and I told him point blank that I am not giving him a cent if he wants me to live with him. I also told him that if we get married I will not pay for food or anything else because he should take care of me and he said that he prefers it that way. I also told him that I am willing to clean and cook sometimes but he can't count on it. Right now we are still hanging out so I will get back to you guys later.
I'm glad you got that sorted out. In the meantime don't let him spend any of your money and see if he is serious. Go half or let him pay. If you move in together and he pays for everything put most of your paycheck into savings or investments. It isn't fair that you go on shopping sprees while he pays the bills. If you have money put away you have something to fall back on if things don't work out. If you do get married and you end up staying home you have something to live off of in case he ever loses his job.
No. Just no. Why should one person work and bank all their money while the other pays for everything? *kitten* that.
It's a partnership. Meaning share bills, share work around the house, etc.
Life's not fair and partnerships are never equal. Most women still do the majority of housework and caring for children and the elderly while earning less than men at work. If you want to split all chores and financial responsibilities 50/50, good for you. But, when did saving money become a bad idea?
Saving money is a good thing. But, for one to not put any financial effort into a relationship while saving all theirs and the other pays for everything isn't right. Because it sets a precedence when/if a divorce occurs. I don't care if someone makes a small percentage of what the other does, still should be some financial responsibility.
Just like I think there should also be equal amounts of work done. The exception to this is if there's a work difference. For example, if one works part-time, then they should do more than the other to help offset the time the other is commuting or working. If there's an agreement that one stays at home while the other does financial support, then there's a significant different in amount of time doing work around the house.
Yes, life's not fair and partnerships are never equal. I tried to explain this to my ex when she'd *kitten* about my not helping to do the dishes, bathroom or vacuum when I had a one hour commute each way, worked 10+ hours a day, did all of the outside work such as mowing, shoveling snow (not just ours but two other neighbor driveways because they were elderly and had medical complications), as well as did the laundry. Oh, and did I mention repair the cars and other things? She worked a mile away, and for maybe ten hours a week. She also "worked" for free, which we never agreed upon.
Yeah, *kitten* that *kitten*.
I'm sorry you've been in such an unfair relationship. Sounds like my dad and stepmom. I'm nice enough to do everything at home in exchange for my zero monetary contribution. It's funny that my husband's coworkers think I'm lazy because I don't work, while my neighbors think he is lazy because I'm always the one shoveling snow and mowing the lawn.
I didn't know you were a rich girl, OP. I'd take your parents' offer to buy you a house and any cash wedding present they offer. It will make living on a construction worker's income a lot easier. Also, if you aren't working cook and take care of the house. If he's taking care of you financially, you should be taking care of him.0 -
eccomi_qui wrote: »lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
You life sounds so hard, 29 and expecting to live off your boyfriend for free or take money and live off your parents for free.
How about you contribute to the relationship? I would have never moved in with my boyfriend expecting to not pay half the expenses. I guess financial responsibility is not a thing where you come from.
I do contribute to the relationship by speaking English (Jasiek can't speak English at all), telling Jasiek that I love him, spending time with him, and coming up with cool places to go to like parks and museums.
I just want a girl who will mooch off me, tell me she loves me in English, spend some time with me in English and find cool places to go on dates like parks and museums because I'm absolute rubbish at planning dates.
If you throw in some sausage for dinner... That I will cook occasionally but will probably not clean up.... Then I'm your girl.
Ill even pick out spices you have to buy for our home.2 -
I can't believe this thread is still going.0
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Oh My God. . that's all i got. . .speechless. maybe she's gunning for her own reality show?0
This discussion has been closed.
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