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MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
I agree with this. A person can say "You're the ugliest person I know" and say they didn't intend to hurt you, they are just stating a fact. Does that make it okay? Does that make it hurt less?
People can not control how they feel. Something can hurt your feelings even if it wasn't meant to. That doesn't mean that your feelings weren't truly hurt.
Now on the other hand there are a lot of people who seem to WANT to be offended by everything and are always looking for a reason to garner sympathy because someone else was so "mean".
There is a line somewhere and some of it is an internal issue and some of it is other people being *kitten* humans. I don't know exactly where the line is soooooo now I just rambled for nothing.4 -
IslandGal3 wrote: »I've ran a lot of races. Why am I nervous this morning.
You are expecting something? Something is going to happen?1 -
MistressSara wrote: »@MistressSara wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Just get rid of that stupid *kitten* button. It enables passive-aggressive pricks more than it diffuses potentially explosive arguments. Let’s not put more weapons in the hands of anonymous trolls. Let’s find ways to help us see that there is an actual person on the other end of that online exchange. Let’s enable and encourage respect for dissenting opinions. Let people politely disagree because that’s what humans are capable of.
that button doesn't mean anything. it never has. it never will.
Ehh. That’s like saying a smile and a frown are worth the same from a stranger. One will make you feel better than the other. Saying the button doesn’t mean anything doesn’t make it not mean anything to people for whom it means something
trust me i get that ^ heck that's why im always telling women to smile more.
no but seriously i think those things are tangible at least. they have a face to go with them. you may know the person who gives you either of them. they have weight.
a button online doesn't have that.
it's even shielded by anonymity. in fact, letting it bother you only gives the person who's doing it more power over you. they get to remain anonymous AND they get to know how it bothers you. dont ever let someone have that kind of power over you.
I just have a mostly academic problem with it. I think it’s stupid and actively unhelpful in human interactions.
That said, when people say “don’t feel that way” or “ toughen up” “ don’t let it bother you” it bothers me. Mostly because I own my feelings. I feel how I feel. And why would I want to stop feeling? Good or bad.
But it also troubles me because no one ever says HOW. How do you not feel what you feel? I understand how to pretend. I’m pretty good at it actually. But to actually not feel? No clue.
BTW, this is the kind of respectful, interested, friendly disagreement I want more of. 😂
Had to go way back to quote you, but had to, you are so well spoken!
Want your opinion on something that has bugged me for years, and I cant get over (anyone else's opinion too, perception problem to me, curious on interpretation)
Had someone tell me before "it's my fault if I have hurt feelings" (because that wasn't their intention, just my perception)
i think you’re responsible for your life but
we are social creatures. And we are interdependent. And I do believe we have responsibilities to each other. And I believe some people behave in *kitten* ways. we do have power over each other. I try to take that seriously. I often fail, but I do try. I try to be brave in the face of my own hurt feelings. I try not to numb my feelings, not to avoid my feelings but to act in the right way regardless of my feelings. i try to feel my feelings and rise strong anyway. it’s true i give less credence to people whose opinions don’t matter.
i just woke up. haven’t had coffee yet and i’m kind of free flowing on a topic i’ve been growing in for a year. i’m probably not all that coherent.
anyway, it’s not either/or. it’s both/andMistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
I really enjoy your thought provoking posts. As a veritable bull in a china shop when it comes to people’s feelings, it’s helpful to learn the opposite viewpoint.
Like a dozen years ago i was slootin it up with a guy at a work thing and we ended up in my hotel room. He went up my shirt and after removing my bra he drunkenly mumbled “that’s disappointing”. I will never forget the searing gut-wrenching shame I felt right then. That’s the last time I remember feeling truly hurt in a way I couldn’t control.
But then he couldn’t umm stand at attention and we ended up laying in bed and talking all night. We were having coffee the next morning and i told him what he had said. He was horrified and so apologetic. We ended up laughing about it and are still friends to this day.
His intentions were harmless; he was just being honest, although brutally so. It didn’t feel good at all, despite the fact that I’m under no illusion I’m everyone’s cup of tea. If i had stormed off and written him off as a jerk, I think it would’ve hurt me for a long time. But knowing his desire to not have hurt me made the difference.
That’s when i started assuming good intentions and i can honestly say I almost never feel hurt.
Anyway, that’s just my experience with it 😌
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MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
All this talk about being offended. I'm offended by your shirt Mistress, please take it off 😉0 -
MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
All this talk about being offended. I'm offended by your shirt Mistress, please take it off 😉
naughty boy. go stand facing the corner
Ok i know you just wanna stare at my good side 😋😏1 -
MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
All this talk about being offended. I'm offended by your shirt Mistress, please take it off 😉
naughty boy. go stand facing the corner
Ok i know you just wanna stare at my good side 😋😏
nose to the wall, you fresh thing
Don't be greedy, I got enough to feed the needy.1 -
MistressSara wrote: »LiftingSpirits wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
I agree with this. A person can say "You're the ugliest person I know" and say they didn't intend to hurt you, they are just stating a fact. Does that make it okay? Does that make it hurt less?
People can not control how they feel. Something can hurt your feelings even if it wasn't meant to. That doesn't mean that your feelings weren't truly hurt.
Now on the other hand there are a lot of people who seem to WANT to be offended by everything and are always looking for a reason to garner sympathy because someone else was so "mean".
There is a line somewhere and some of it is an internal issue and some of it is other people being *kitten* humans. I don't know exactly where the line is soooooo now I just rambled for nothing.
now you have me thinking about intentions. They’re funny things too. i think most people are selfish and when they hurt another person probably most are just trying to please themselves. probably very few are deriving pleasure from inflicting pain.
i still don’t think the intention matters all that much. whether i steal your widget because i want it or because i want you to suffer is irrelevant- you are still without your widget.
thanks to anyone who is still listening 😂
I struggle with this too. Someone who causes an "accident" does not wish to harm someone else, but the result may be that anyway and it doesn't make it easy to deal with if you or someone you love was negatively impacted by that accident.3 -
caco_ethes wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »@MistressSara wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Just get rid of that stupid *kitten* button. It enables passive-aggressive pricks more than it diffuses potentially explosive arguments. Let’s not put more weapons in the hands of anonymous trolls. Let’s find ways to help us see that there is an actual person on the other end of that online exchange. Let’s enable and encourage respect for dissenting opinions. Let people politely disagree because that’s what humans are capable of.
that button doesn't mean anything. it never has. it never will.
Ehh. That’s like saying a smile and a frown are worth the same from a stranger. One will make you feel better than the other. Saying the button doesn’t mean anything doesn’t make it not mean anything to people for whom it means something
trust me i get that ^ heck that's why im always telling women to smile more.
no but seriously i think those things are tangible at least. they have a face to go with them. you may know the person who gives you either of them. they have weight.
a button online doesn't have that.
it's even shielded by anonymity. in fact, letting it bother you only gives the person who's doing it more power over you. they get to remain anonymous AND they get to know how it bothers you. dont ever let someone have that kind of power over you.
I just have a mostly academic problem with it. I think it’s stupid and actively unhelpful in human interactions.
That said, when people say “don’t feel that way” or “ toughen up” “ don’t let it bother you” it bothers me. Mostly because I own my feelings. I feel how I feel. And why would I want to stop feeling? Good or bad.
But it also troubles me because no one ever says HOW. How do you not feel what you feel? I understand how to pretend. I’m pretty good at it actually. But to actually not feel? No clue.
BTW, this is the kind of respectful, interested, friendly disagreement I want more of. 😂
Had to go way back to quote you, but had to, you are so well spoken!
Want your opinion on something that has bugged me for years, and I cant get over (anyone else's opinion too, perception problem to me, curious on interpretation)
Had someone tell me before "it's my fault if I have hurt feelings" (because that wasn't their intention, just my perception)
i think you’re responsible for your life but
we are social creatures. And we are interdependent. And I do believe we have responsibilities to each other. And I believe some people behave in *kitten* ways. we do have power over each other. I try to take that seriously. I often fail, but I do try. I try to be brave in the face of my own hurt feelings. I try not to numb my feelings, not to avoid my feelings but to act in the right way regardless of my feelings. i try to feel my feelings and rise strong anyway. it’s true i give less credence to people whose opinions don’t matter.
i just woke up. haven’t had coffee yet and i’m kind of free flowing on a topic i’ve been growing in for a year. i’m probably not all that coherent.
anyway, it’s not either/or. it’s both/andMistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
I really enjoy your thought provoking posts. As a veritable bull in a china shop when it comes to people’s feelings, it’s helpful to learn the opposite viewpoint.
Like a dozen years ago i was slootin it up with a guy at a work thing and we ended up in my hotel room. He went up my shirt and after removing my bra he drunkenly mumbled “that’s disappointing”. I will never forget the searing gut-wrenching shame I felt right then. That’s the last time I remember feeling truly hurt in a way I couldn’t control.
But then he couldn’t umm stand at attention and we ended up laying in bed and talking all night. We were having coffee the next morning and i told him what he had said. He was horrified and so apologetic. We ended up laughing about it and are still friends to this day.
His intentions were harmless; he was just being honest, although brutally so. It didn’t feel good at all, despite the fact that I’m under no illusion I’m everyone’s cup of tea. If i had stormed off and written him off as a jerk, I think it would’ve hurt me for a long time. But knowing his desire to not have hurt me made the difference.
That’s when i started assuming good intentions and i can honestly say I almost never feel hurt.
Anyway, that’s just my experience with it 😌
What he said did hurt you and you had the right to feel that way though. You were able to forgive, forget and look at things differently in the future and those are all great things.
I think why I have issues with this whole concept is that I was previously in a relationship with someone who had 0 empathy. He would say cruel things and tell me that I was stupid for experiencing emotions because he wasn't "trying" to be mean. In general I get offended by very little, but when someone you love is constantly critical and then makes you feel ashamed for feeling anything, literally any emotion, then it turns into something different.
I am being a fence sitter like @Vikka_V mentioned..... Generally I would say that a lot of people are overly sensitive, but then having been in a situation where I was ridiculed for feeling I have very mixed emotions.4 -
Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
All this talk about being offended. I'm offended by your shirt Mistress, please take it off 😉
naughty boy. go stand facing the corner
Ok i know you just wanna stare at my good side 😋😏
nose to the wall, you fresh thing
Don't be greedy, I got enough to feed the needy.
To the person who found this insightful, don't be shy, I'm told I'm delightful.3 -
When the woo’ers are behind the screen stalkers, who press woo at anything you post, that’s when moderators should begin seeing who’s “stalking” and or make updates to the system, on how to link to particular users online.
The woo doesn’t bother me. The stalking is more obnoxious than the strong dislike.3 -
MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
All this talk about being offended. I'm offended by your shirt Mistress, please take it off 😉
naughty boy. go stand facing the corner
Ok i know you just wanna stare at my good side 😋😏
nose to the wall, you fresh thing
Don't be greedy, I got enough to feed the needy.
Don’t sass me, boy.
Yes Mistress.2 -
@caco_ethes @MistressSara @LiftingSpirits
Thanks Cakey, Mistress and Spirit Lifter, you girls are super smart and I love you and your well spoken opinions!3 -
Tankiscool wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »Tankiscool wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »also, I can’t possibly figure out intentions with any degree of accuracy unless I really know a person well. But I don’t have to. if you cause me pain, regardless of intention, my feelings are valid. someone telling me those feelings are not valid makes me feel worse. i have choices in those situations. Hunker down and lick my wounds, address the subject directly- preferably with the person who has offended me, lash out and become another hurtful person...
what i won’t do is harden my heart. i’d rather feel the pain
All this talk about being offended. I'm offended by your shirt Mistress, please take it off 😉
naughty boy. go stand facing the corner
Ok i know you just wanna stare at my good side 😋😏
nose to the wall, you fresh thing
Don't be greedy, I got enough to feed the needy.
To the person who found this insightful, don't be shy, I'm told I'm delightful.
I see you hugger, ya lil bugger, I love ya. But just a like? Cause I'm in the limelight? Cause I rhyme tight?3 -
I'm trying to work out of my relationship if 7 years is actually worth saving.
I've been trying to keep it together for 2 years but I'm slowly realising that I can't do it by myself and my husband isn't really making any effort 😢5
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