Has anyone dated after weight loss?
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funjen1972 wrote: »We should be more concerned with who we are on the inside instead of physical attributes. Your true value is in your heart, your personality, your mind, your attitude, your character. It is not in that extra bit of skin or the circumference of your thigh. The challenge is to actually believe that, and your post strongly suggests you do not. I promise you are enough just the way you are!
I definitely subscribe to this way of thinking in non-physical relationships. And I know I'm not that picky, even in those, but have had it emphasized so much in my 18 years of dating and a marriage that it's taking a lot to consider it isn't always this way. Thank you!3 -
hobbitses333 wrote: »
My advice, go slow to the naked part of the relationship. I used dating as a means to experience things I wanted to do but not alone, I ate Ethiopian food, went to concerts, went for walks through the park on a nice day, grabbed a mickey of whiskey and got drunk on the beach people watching, went crab fishing and boating until sunset. I had a blast. Many great times with some fascinating people but we just didn't click romantically. I made a few friends I still have to this day tho.
This is awesome! Thank you!1 -
tinkerbellang83 wrote: »I was quite upfront in my dating profile when I was doing online dating, I think I put something along the lines of "I've made a big change to my lifestyle in the last couple of years, something I am still working towards" and then included some of my active hobbies.
I like this!tinkerbellang83 wrote: »
I don't think it's necessary to put unflattering photos up, but it depends how "flattering" the ones are you are putting up, I have seen a number of friends put up old photos or over-filtered photos and have also been out on dates with people who have done the same thing, I think of it as false advertising. Ultimately when you're doing online dating, it is initially down to physical attraction and that should be based on what you actually look like, not an Instagram-Filtered version. Many of my photos were from active stuff I was doing like Hiking, rather than dolled up, so I had no makeup on and sportswear.
I was definitely going to put some active, no-makeup photos and plenty of full body ones. It's just that the worst of my issues are obscured by any clothing besides maybe a bikini (which I don't even own nor would I ever!) so I'm inadvertently hiding most of it.1 -
Nope. I was fat my whole life and got turned down regularly , I wasn't good enough to date. I lost a lot of weight and was able to find a date and was told "im glad I didn't meet you when you were fat because I would hve never dated you." I then got married to a different girl and she left cause I got heavy again, lost 55lbs and wasn't given the time of day by anyone. We are always hard on our selves so even had my friends write up a singles add for me since they knew my best attributes and got nothing. I accepted that I will be alone I put weight back on and now struggling to get motivated and back in the gym and working out.
Yeah I feel this. My ex husband told me we wouldn't have been together if I had been my heavier weight when we met. I'm sorry someone said this to you, too.
I'm trying to accept that I might be alone, too.
I hope you find the motivation to get back to the gym - not necessarily even for weight or physical health. I know it's been a contributor to my overall happiness. Endorphins are great and it's a pretty pleasant way to spend all that free single time for me.
Thanks for relating and sharing your story.5 -
This is such a great topic because we do tend go through so much during a weight loss journey. I remember when I lost 40+ lbs after having my second child. I was very freaked out about the loose skin - the stretch marks made it look worse. I instantly thought I would be happier at a larger size. Now that I am on the journey again after an abrupt weight gain, I am not planning to get back to my normal weight of 110 because I just don't carry it the same.
I think we women are too harsh on themselves. Yes, some may care about what's going on under the clothes....but not all. And I can't imagine why we would want to pick the partner who is going to be overly critical. You're not getting what you're really after in the end so just let it be easy to walk away from that. Love yourself.4 -
ericadcruz32 wrote: »And I can't imagine why we would want to pick the partner who is going to be overly critical. You're not getting what you're really after in the end so just let it be easy to walk away from that. Love yourself.
I seem to have an uncanny ability for picking these people (and they are all really good at hiding it for varying, but too long periods of time).0 -
Not directing this at you OP - some of the replies brought it to mind, but I think it's easy for us to assume all the things going wrong in our lives is because of these damn extra lbs. So we convince ourselves that once the number on the scale is correct, everything else will fall into place, and rarely does that actually happen. I sometimes wonder if this is a factor in why so many people regain. You expect everything to be better, and when it's not you lose motivation and go back to old bad habits.
OP, your replies today sound a lot more positive than yesterday, so I hope you got a little relief out of this thread17 -
Not directing this at you OP - some of the replies brought it to mind, but I think it's easy for us to assume all the things going wrong in our lives is because of these damn extra lbs. So we convince ourselves that once the number on the scale is correct, everything else will fall into place, and rarely does that actually happen. I sometimes wonder if this is a factor in why so many people regain. You expect everything to be better, and when it's not you lose motivation and go back to old bad habits.
OP, your replies today sound a lot more positive than yesterday, so I hope you got a little relief out of this thread
I think you're right. As I've kind of plateaued to where I might settle, everything isn't magical, some people are still terrible, and now I (and the men I am meeting) are fixated on the remaining problems with my body that weight loss not only didn't fix, but made worse. It's disheartening for sure. On the bright side, I'm focusing on the non-aesthetic benefits (I can do a pullup! My resting HR is 45!) instead of looks to keep motivated.
I definitely did get some relief and I'm really grateful to you all for your input. I'm still leery about trying, but have some ideas for moving forward if I get brave.9 -
lunchboxchuck wrote: »ericadcruz32 wrote: »And I can't imagine why we would want to pick the partner who is going to be overly critical. You're not getting what you're really after in the end so just let it be easy to walk away from that. Love yourself.
I seem to have an uncanny ability for picking these people (and they are all really good at hiding it for varying, but too long periods of time).
This is probably cynical, but if you take it a bit slow on the physical side of things, that in itself is likely to filter out some of the frogs from the princes.
If you reach a point where the physical dimension is getting really important to you, you should be able to share with any actually nice guy who really likes you that you're feeling a little self-conscious because your body is different since the recent weight loss. It doesn't have to be some kind of emotional confessional, but can be a lighter comment as that nice pinuplove suggested a few posts back, or flatter him by saying you've been waiting for someone special to come along, so you could feel comfortable . . . .
You deserve a nice, decent guy who values you for you, so it's fine to hold out and go solo until you find one. Someone who puts you down isn't worth having. Confidence is important, and knowing your worth is part of it.
And, no, I don't date, at least not so far. In my demographic (age 63), single women significantly outnumber men, and many of them want women younger than themselves. Further, I'm a difficult placement. On top of that, as a widow who had quite a happy marriage, I feel like I've already been luckier than a lot of people - so many never have a relationship as good, so I'm over quota. If I met the right person, it would happen, but I'm not gonna go looking, and I'm definitely not going to accept a sub-par option. I'm complete and happy as I am.
You're at a different place in life, so I can understand where you're coming from. I wish you all the best navigating the dating scene, and hope you find the perfect guy for you. :flowerforyou:
P.S. The stretch marks can fade over time, too.12 -
Taking offeres here5
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*offers!
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »ericadcruz32 wrote: »And I can't imagine why we would want to pick the partner who is going to be overly critical. You're not getting what you're really after in the end so just let it be easy to walk away from that. Love yourself.
I seem to have an uncanny ability for picking these people (and they are all really good at hiding it for varying, but too long periods of time).
This is probably cynical, but if you take it a bit slow on the physical side of things, that in itself is likely to filter out some of the frogs from the princes.
If you reach a point where the physical dimension is getting really important to you, you should be able to share with any actually nice guy who really likes you that you're feeling a little self-conscious because your body is different since the recent weight loss. It doesn't have to be some kind of emotional confessional, but can be a lighter comment as that nice pinuplove suggested a few posts back, or flatter him by saying you've been waiting for someone special to come along, so you could feel comfortable . . . .
You deserve a nice, decent guy who values you for you, so it's fine to hold out and go solo until you find one. Someone who puts you down isn't worth having. Confidence is important, and knowing your worth is part of it.
And, no, I don't date, at least not so far. In my demographic (age 63), single women significantly outnumber men, and many of them want women younger than themselves. Further, I'm a difficult placement. On top of that, as a widow who had quite a happy marriage, I feel like I've already been luckier than a lot of people - so many never have a relationship as good, so I'm over quota. If I met the right person, it would happen, but I'm not gonna go looking, and I'm definitely not going to accept a sub-par option. I'm complete and happy as I am.
You're at a different place in life, so I can understand where you're coming from. I wish you all the best navigating the dating scene, and hope you find the perfect guy for you. :flowerforyou:
P.S. The stretch marks can fade over time, too.
Definitely going to take things slow physically, should I ever try again. On the one hand, I don't want to waste a bunch of time with someone and then it turn out they have a problem with my body; however, that approach hasn't really helped previously. So perhaps waiting a long time will filter out some people I don't want to deal with.
Thank you for sharing your story and I love your attitude about having had a happy marriage!0 -
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There is a lot of people who find love after weight loss (I'm one of them) and there are some great guys out there who will not care about any physical faults and care about who you are, but there is also a lot of jerks out there and they will FIND things to give you hell about and it wont always be about skin. I have been single pretty well my whole life until I meet my fiance other then some fail dates with guys who turned out to be selfish *kitten* holes, but if you want to find "The One" you cant give up on dating after coming across a few jerks6
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Also worth mentioning that most people are gonna have some stripes and dimples etc. My weight has gone up and down about 20 pounds in my adult years, always in the 'healthy' weight range. I got cellulite and some stretch marks on my hips. My husband has some stretch marks on his back from when he grew quickly as a teen. I don't notice them anymore any more than he notices with me.
You've gotten some great suggestions and I hope you find someone awesome and also have some nice dates on the way. :-)1 -
I've been married a very long time so may not be the best person to comment but one thought kept coming to me as I read this thread. That thought is that when you are dating what exactly are you looking for? If you are looking for a person to share life with then the rest should not be important. Of course the trick is to find someone who is looking for the same thing. As others have said no one's body is perfect and loving someone means accepting all of them. If the men you are dating are just looking for a body then perhaps they are not good enough for you. Ask any person who has been divorced from a "good looking" mate how good looking they were when they stopped loving them! Looks don't last once the personality comes out if it's not good.7
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Congrats on the weight loss.
Can't comment on the dating because I have been with the same lady since I was 15 & I'm 50 now... lol4 -
staticsplit wrote: »Also worth mentioning that most people are gonna have some stripes and dimples etc. My weight has gone up and down about 20 pounds in my adult years, always in the 'healthy' weight range. I got cellulite and some stretch marks on my hips. My husband has some stretch marks on his back from when he grew quickly as a teen. I don't notice them anymore any more than he notices with me.
You've gotten some great suggestions and I hope you find someone awesome and also have some nice dates on the way. :-)
I guess I imagine mine are pretty severe. I'm also still the fat friend at 5'7 143 so I never see anyone with my issues.0 -
lunchboxchuck wrote: »staticsplit wrote: »Also worth mentioning that most people are gonna have some stripes and dimples etc. My weight has gone up and down about 20 pounds in my adult years, always in the 'healthy' weight range. I got cellulite and some stretch marks on my hips. My husband has some stretch marks on his back from when he grew quickly as a teen. I don't notice them anymore any more than he notices with me.
You've gotten some great suggestions and I hope you find someone awesome and also have some nice dates on the way. :-)
I guess I imagine mine are pretty severe. I'm also still the fat friend at 5'7 143 so I never see anyone with my issues.
We are our own worst critic. Just because you don't see it on other people, doesn't mean they don't have it. Have you seen your friends naked to know?1 -
cheryldumais wrote: »I've been married a very long time so may not be the best person to comment but one thought kept coming to me as I read this thread. That thought is that when you are dating what exactly are you looking for? If you are looking for a person to share life with then the rest should not be important. Of course the trick is to find someone who is looking for the same thing. As others have said no one's body is perfect and loving someone means accepting all of them. If the men you are dating are just looking for a body then perhaps they are not good enough for you. Ask any person who has been divorced from a "good looking" mate how good looking they were when they stopped loving them! Looks don't last once the personality comes out if it's not good.
I have been married and wanted to share life. It mattered to him because naturally, sex is involved. It's mattered to everyone before and after, too. The man I dated for four years was talking marriage, but cheated with thin women every time I traveled for work. I might just give up on physical relationships.1 -
Cassandraw3 wrote: »Have you seen your friends naked to know?
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HostageCat wrote: »There is a lot of people who find love after weight loss (I'm one of them) and there are some great guys out there who will not care about any physical faults and care about who you are
I haven't met one yet. From the feedback here that seems unusual. There's got to be something wrong with me.
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I had the same bad luck with men as you, being cheated on, being used, etc... The thing that helped me most was quitting dating and working on challenging the negative perceptions I had of myself. I went through years of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which helped me with recognizing my destructive thought processes, and then I did DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) which helped me change my destructive patterns of behavior. Since then I am happier and more confident and that mode of interacting with the world has helped me recognize who I want to let into my life and who I want to let go of (much easier and faster than I had in the past).
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »HostageCat wrote: »There is a lot of people who find love after weight loss (I'm one of them) and there are some great guys out there who will not care about any physical faults and care about who you are
I haven't met one yet. From the feedback here that seems unusual. There's got to be something wrong with me.
Well, it seems like you are really invested in feeling like it isn't possible right now, so maybe you should just focus on living your life and come back to dating at a later time.
I don't know anyone, regardless of weight, who has never had bad dates, never felt judged, never gone out with a jerk or a dud. People go on sometimes dozens of first dates before finding someone they at least want a second date with. You seem to be assuming dating is easy for people who haven't lost a lot of weight, and that everyone other than you looks perfect under their clothes. None of that is true.
I've been unintentionally single for ages, so I guess there's something really wrong with me too, and the many many unattached people out there. I go through the pity-party cycle every once and awhile, it's counter productive but it happens. I think you've gotten a lot of great advice and kind words here. Hopefully they will be helpful to you at a later date when you aren't so down on yourself.7 -
lunchboxchuck wrote: »cheryldumais wrote: »I've been married a very long time so may not be the best person to comment but one thought kept coming to me as I read this thread. That thought is that when you are dating what exactly are you looking for? If you are looking for a person to share life with then the rest should not be important. Of course the trick is to find someone who is looking for the same thing. As others have said no one's body is perfect and loving someone means accepting all of them. If the men you are dating are just looking for a body then perhaps they are not good enough for you. Ask any person who has been divorced from a "good looking" mate how good looking they were when they stopped loving them! Looks don't last once the personality comes out if it's not good.
I have been married and wanted to share life. It mattered to him because naturally, sex is involved. It's mattered to everyone before and after, too. The man I dated for four years was talking marriage, but cheated with thin women every time I traveled for work. I might just give up on physical relationships.
it doesn't matter to a grown mature person who likes you for you.1 -
+1 for whoever said that a decent man (or woman) will not notice your excess skin, they'll just be happy to get you naked. If you click with someone, you don't notice a lot of the things that are technically "unwanted", they suddenly become fine because you like the person they are attached to.
I think you need to love yourself a bit more as well, you've done an amazing job and you deserve an awesome person to share that with, if that's what you want. There is someone out there for you, and even if you don't find them immediately there's plenty of decent people in the meantime, not everyone is a d1ck! Be confident in yourself and try to ignore any negative comments, they say more about the other person than they do you.
Personally, I met my now husband when I weighed 245lbs. He thought I was sexy back then, he thought I was sexy when I lost down to 150, and he thinks I'm sexy now at 180. He doesn't see my flaws because he loves me for me. You deserve that, and you'll have it. Good luck!5 -
Your "first estate", the body, is the house your spirit lives in. Any man that "dates" a temple, without being able to first, go in, to be with the person that lives inside; has no business even approaching the door; and should be kicked out to suffer and ignominious fate.
Guys like John Belushi and Jack Black had/have such carisma and had no qualms about what they look like. They knew/know themselves. And you know what? - They were right!
Beautiful people can be very ugly. An ignoramus will soon find this out.
Remember; this life is but a small moment. A man OR woman that cannot see past the outside of a good companion, will be one that, in the last breath, says, "Wait! Wait!".
Passion is oblivious; evident by the weird faces and funny noises we make in the midst of it...
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Take up strength training to help tighten/tone your body. Start today or as soon as possible. If your body is soft like a marshmallow after all of your weight loss, then strength training is going to tighten/tone everything up, including your arms.
A lot of people end up in your situation after a large weightloss. They focused on cardio and ended up losing muscle mass along with fat. You need to add back that mass and even build some new mass to shape your body.0 -
I, too, have been married for a very long time. None of us will retain the physical attributes that we had when we are in the beginning stages of a relationship no matter how attractive we are when we meet. Funny thing about physical attraction - it doesn't really depend on cultural standards of beauty when there is also emotional and intellectual attraction. In the swipe-right/swipe-left times we live in now, I can well understand the pressure @lunchboxchuck is feeling. The pre-digital age advice is still sound, I think - to focus on meeting people with similar interests by engaging in those activities, and to focus on building friendships from which love can build.2
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