JUST FOR TODAY -- One Day at a Time .... Daily commitment thread for 2019

Slept though alarm this am for the first time in years (I usually wake up at least 15 minutes before it goes off). No morning walk and had lunch meeting, so I figured I would not make my goal of 60 minutes intentional walking. Was raining off and on when I got home from work, but really wanted to walk outside. Put one my rain gear (told myself to at least try for part of the goal). Had a lovely 62 minute walk around the neighborhood (when I was within 15 minutes, I just had to get it). That happened only because I wanted to meet my goal and I figured it was what a committed person would do. Anyway,

Wednesday May 22, 2019
Log Accurately-
60 minutes walking-
Trash to the curb-
Continue Desk work/file clean out at office-
Buy salad stuff for church dinner and prep-

Thursday, May 23
Log Accurately
60 minutes intentional walking
Productive work day
Enjoy choir dinner
Be careful of emotions

May 23 was wedding anniversary, would have been married 33 years. For some reason, this day can be tougher than the actual anniversary of my husband's death. If I do get overwhelmed, I can take off work. Hoping it won't hit too hard.

Good luck to all trying to meet goals. Not meeting them for one day is not the end of the world, we just have to keep trying.

Ginny

Now that I've written this, I'll apologize for the book. I needed to get this out, but in the real world there are people, namely my mom and all who know her, can't see this.

Yesterday was really hard for me. I went to my stepdad's office to clean out his stuff. His office mate went on and on about how he felt like he knew me and how much my stepdad (Ray) talked about me and the girls and how much he obviously loved us. These are all good things, but I never realized he loved me. I thought we had both just survived living with my mother and that we had a bond from that. I knew he loved the girls, but I thought he just liked me. Hearing that he was proud of me and that he loved me rocked my world. I can see in his death that what Butch told me is true.

Ray and I haven't seen each other in 4 or 5 years because of some things with my mother. He was in the wrong and had been for a long time, but I still had him out to the house every Thursday. (I still caught hell from my mother every time I saw her.) He celebrated every holiday with my family even if it wasn't on the actual day. A year or so earlier he had even been put in jail for not following the courts orders. When I got him out of jail, he promised he'd take care of things. My mother was having a very hard time making ends meet on her own. I found out that he didn't do what he'd promised me, and that mom had issued a warrant for his arrest. I told him that until he cleared this up and did what the court ordered he wasn't welcome in my home. Having the police show up there to arrest him is not what I wanted my children to see and she knew he was there every Thursday. He never contacted my again. I was devastated that he didn't care enough about me and the girls to do what was right in the eyes of the law.

I assumed he was angry with me. I was actually afraid to see him. Finding out that he apparently never mentioned this split to his good friend and that he still talked about me and the girls all the time made me see a different possibility. He knew my mother had been on my back about seeing him for years. He and I both knew she could be very hurtful when she is angry, hurt or she perceives someone did her wrong. Maybe he saw my action as me just not being able to take the strain my mother put on me any longer. Maybe, just maybe, he stepped back to save me.

I don't know his reasons, but I know I was wrong about him. Not once do I ever remember him giving me a hug, but when I look back there were other things he did that showed love and kindness. He had his flaws as we all do, but things are always what they appear. I wish I hadn't been so afraid, thinking he hated me, to reach out and say lets meet somewhere for dinner. Somewhere other than my house. We are in a border city if we met in his town, its in a different state. Not that I want to avoid the law, but I wish I'd done something. Still feels like cheating on my mom, but he was my dad from the time I was 10. She never understood that, she thought I would divorce him when she did. Despite all of this I always loved him (well not when I was a teen).

When I went to his house after he died, it was the loneliest place I'd every seen. He has always been one to hold grudges, but I never realized the toll it took. His hatred for my mother, and his sister, and his little brother, and whoever else, jaded him and stole all of the joy from his life. Maybe if I'd at least reached out he'd have had my family and know he was loved. He would have still died alone just because of the nature of the condition (aortic aneurysm ruptured), but he would have died knowing he mattered to someone.

Ok, I have been a binging sluggish mess for a while now. Maybe I can fix today.

JFT Thursday

- Up at 6:30 More like 7:30, ball cap kind of day.
- Work by 8:00 More like 8:20
- Breakfast <300 cal I had 4 Hershey's kisses. It is below 300cal, but it was a poor choice
- Finish us report for Jit
- Lunch <300 cal
- Maybe play with VDA
- Home by 4:00
- Shower get ready
- 8th Grade Promotion Ceremony
- No alcohol
- Dinner <800
- Bed by 11:00

Positive thought for the day: It's good to be loved, make sure the people you care about know you love them.