Tell me a joke! :D

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  • madhu1981
    madhu1981 Posts: 4,829 Member
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    Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..." Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..." Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You *kitten*!" You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.
  • yourradimradletshug
    yourradimradletshug Posts: 964 Member
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    OMG I have suuuuuch a good joke but I am so worried about the hate mail I may receive from any feminists that read it! Haha
  • MaxPower0102
    MaxPower0102 Posts: 2,654 Member
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    Two guys sitting on the couch watching the game, dog on the floor starts licking himself. One guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that". The other says, "Nah, he'd probably bite you"
  • SuperSnoopy
    SuperSnoopy Posts: 3,464 Member
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    Two parrots sitting on a perch and one says to the other"can you smell fish". (Think about it )
  • determined_ella
    determined_ella Posts: 4,354 Member
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    Ok I have a one from memory ( learnt this 15 years ago :grimace: yes I hung around with rude people lol)


    A mother writes down a shopping list to give to her 18 year old son ( he has bad speech problems )

    1. Get a bucket from the diy store
    2. Get a bun from the bakers
    3. Get a cockerspaniel from the pet shop


    So the boy heads off to the diy shop, he walks in and asks the shop keeper

    Boy: " excuse me, can I have a fuckit please?"
    Shopkeeper: "sorry a what?"
    Boy: "a fuckit!" He points at the bucket.
    Shopkeeper: "ooh a bucket!"

    So he heads over to the bakers

    Baker: "can I help you?"
    Boy: " can I have a bum please?"
    Baker: " sorry?"
    Boy: "a bum!" Points at the bun.
    Baker: "ooh ok a bun!"

    So the boy finally heads over to the pet shop.

    Boy: "Excuse me sir, have you got a cockandscratchit?"
    Shopkeeper: "excuse me?"
    Boy: "one of them please" and points to the puppy
    Shopkeeper: " oh! heres a lead for him, goodbye"

    The boy walks out of the shop but trips on the step and accidentally lets go of the lead! So he runs to the police officer who is standing near by and asks frantically

    " can you hold my bum and fuckit while I get my cockandscratchit?!"

    :joy: smh
  • kjm3579
    kjm3579 Posts: 3,975 Member
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    yourradimradletshug wrote: »
    OMG I have suuuuuch a good joke but I am so worried about the hate mail I may receive from any feminists that read it! Haha

    Now you have to tell us.
  • yourradimradletshug
    yourradimradletshug Posts: 964 Member
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    Okay if I get any hate mail I am forwarding it to you @kjm3579

    Q: Why does Beyonce put everything to the left?

    A: Because women have no rights. :joy:
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
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    bubble10005 wrote: »
    Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, and then a chair

    thats hysterical
  • KBjimAZ
    KBjimAZ Posts: 369 Member
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    How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

    A buccaneer
  • yourradimradletshug
    yourradimradletshug Posts: 964 Member
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    Q:What is Forrest Gump's password?

    A: 1Forrest1

    Q:What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

    A: Depends on where you put the cucumber! :D
  • Omar_Apocrypha
    Omar_Apocrypha Posts: 794 Member
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    Ok this is translated I hope you enjoying , it's little bit >:)
    There was a wallet seller took his son to circumcision specialist , after the specialist did his work , he is throwing the ring of leather in a bucket , full with it .
    -The seller asked the specialist : what do you do by all these ,
    -The specialist answer , I throw it
    -The seller said , I want it's
    -He said ok ,
    The seller took the rings and make a very small wallet , and put it in his displaying racket.
    A woman come shopping for a wallets , asked about the tiny lether wallet price
    He said it'100000 $$ :o
    She asked why it's so expensive
    He answered , this is special wallet when you scratch it , it's become a big bag
  • gatorgirlgot8
    gatorgirlgot8 Posts: 55 Member
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    Someone painted the numbers 1, 2 ,& 4, on
    three different possums , then turned them loose inside a school....they caught 1,2 & 4,
    Long story short, school was shut down for days while they searched for the 3d & last one.
  • dlbohl1991
    dlbohl1991 Posts: 786 Member
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    When I was a kid I had to walk 5 miles to school uphill both ways, I never learned anything though, school was six miles away
  • phoenixrising5721
    phoenixrising5721 Posts: 2,252 Member
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    What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About 45 minutes

    What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds

    Hahahaha. That kills me.
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
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    The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a $20.

    I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on alcohol?"

    I decided I didn't so I gave him the money.
  • RAinWA
    RAinWA Posts: 1,980 Member
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    What are a ninja’s favorite type of shoes?
    Sneakers
  • iMago
    iMago Posts: 8,714 Member
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    a duck walks into a bar. he orders a beer and tells the bartender, "put it on my bill".

    the bartender stares at him. the duck, with a smile, repeats "i said put it on my bill"

    the bartender, realizing something is amiss within this reality, wakes from the dream he's been experiencing.
    he turns over to tell his wife about the strange dream he just had.
    she pretends to remain asleep as he gently shakes her by the shoulder.

    the bartender rolls back over and cries himself softly back to sleep as he laments his failing marriage.

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