Getting past the unfair feeling
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middlehaitch wrote: »GrizzledSquirrel wrote: »
Off topic but with the Bowie/Labyrinth ref I just had to post one of the best birthday presents ever.
Vans limited edition David Bowie Ziggy Starsust bootees.
Bought by my son for my 66th birthday. Does that boy know his mum or what.
Again sorry for the detour, just so excited almost wet myself and had to share.
Cheers, h.
On topic. Fair/unfair. Being told at 14 you will never walk again. I did.
Life isn’t fair.
Build your story.
I got the Blackstar slip ons!1 -
chris_in_cal wrote: »
I was a postdoc, got extremely lucky to land a tenure track job, and had the privilege of moving to a beautiful new place. I work with and teach some amazing people, we have moderate weather year round, and there are miles of trails outside my door for me to run. Moving will always have some downsides, but for me it was an opportunity of a lifetime.11 -
chris_in_cal wrote: »
I was a postdoc, got extremely lucky to land a tenure track job, and had the privilege of moving to a beautiful new place. I work with and teach some amazing people, we have moderate weather year round, and there are miles of trails outside my door for me to run. Moving will always have some downsides, but for me it was an opportunity of a lifetime.
That's a dream right there
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chris_in_cal wrote: »
I was a postdoc, got extremely lucky to land a tenure track job, and had the privilege of moving to a beautiful new place. I work with and teach some amazing people, we have moderate weather year round, and there are miles of trails outside my door for me to run. Moving will always have some downsides, but for me it was an opportunity of a lifetime.
That's a dream right there
If you want to work in academia, it pretty much is 1 -
What will being upset about other people's situations change? It's not going to change the other person so unless it is helpful to you (which it sounds like it's not) then remember that and let it go. A quote that really sticks with me is "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". You are really only hurting yourself and your journey.5
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Perhaps try CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)—there are some great books out there that help you recognize the thoughts that actually contribute to your unhappy/negative feelings (so finding that thought link between “see thin person” and “be angry”), recognize faulty thinking patterns, and question your own thoughts so you can lessen or eliminate their effect.
But seriously, stop looking at/reading the stuff that gets you worked up and start reading success stories, preferably with pictures. Those show the work behind the (now) cute body and after you read enough, you start to identify with these people as the “norm” and assume everyone works for their slim body.
Once someone commented that I clearly didn’t struggle with food issues. Ummm...you didn’t see me at fat camp as a pre teen and you clearly don’t see me busting my butt 1.5-2 hrs a day, 6 days a week lifting. The struggle is real, but others outside my house and gym only see the result (and not that I’m often not even happy with it).
Everyone has their own issues and struggles. One may be struggling with getting into a size 8 and be envious of the girl in the 4, who is actually upset that she’s gone up a size after recovering from surger, or bc she’s lost muscle bc of illness. So you never know.2 -
Really watch the behavior of “skinny” people, and you’ll notice they leave half of what they order on their plate. They stop eating.2
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I am sure you are young with small children, You might as well suck it up buttercup. Life is not fair and you will see more of it the older you get. I use to be upset about skinny people also. My Dad and Daughter both could care less about eating. I feel like I am like an alcoholic only with food. They had do desire to overeat. They had other problems, daughter with cancer at age 40 and Dad in an unhappy marriage. Yes, count your blessings and be grateful. Just because we have a hard time in this area, we have a lot to be grateful for. When I get to feeling sorry for myself I am going back and read this, yes I am glad I am not in a wheelchair. Glad I didnt have parents on drugs. No need to be jealous, and besides you have all of us on MFP to help you. You can get the weight off!7
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If it makes you feel better, I was that “she eats whatever she wants and never gains weight.” But the thing is all I ate was whatever I eat when I’m out with my friend and didn’t really eat anything at home. I used to average 500-1,000 calories a day depending but to my friends, it was like I was having high calorie meals and never gaining weight. Generally speaking, most people are in the same ball park of metabolism within their height range, so if someone is skinny or fit, it’s because they aren’t eating as much or working out.
I was that person too.
Back when I was a young, skinny student, my workmates or classmates might have looked at me eating and thought I ate HEAPS of food for such a tiny person...but they couldn't see my miserable living situation with flatmates who would take my food, so I just stopped having any at home! So that lunch they saw was pretty much it for the day.
(I was just ahead of my time - doing OMAD/intermittent fasting in the '90s).
Of course, when I moved to a happier home, and started eating at home AND continuing my big lunches, that was when I first started putting on weight...I then had to re-learn how much I needed to eat, and could no longer be that person who ate anything and everything when out.
If someone is a similar size to me, then they are simply not eating all the food all the time and sitting on the couch - they are either eating less somewhere else in their day, or burning off the excess calories. They just are, whether I see it or not.
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The same way I turn off those feelings regarding anything important to me. I acknowledge the feeling, explore why I feel that way, accept those memories/instincts/experiences, and refocus on my enjoyment of the journey.
For example, I'm wanting to be an artist. I'm in art class and there's some people who are from private schools, got to take a class in portfolio development, and have been displayed in galleries and sold paintings. They also displayed their work in class and used a lot of the instructor's time.
I felt jealous, feeling it wasn't fair that I didn't get those opportunities, and frustrated that I wasn't good enough because I was a low-income, public school, foster kid that had worked full time in high school.
After class, I stopped and acknowledged that feeling. I asked myself why I feel that way and listened to my answer without judgement. I wrote in my journal about a hurtful experience in high school that was relevant. Then, I practiced and when I went to the class next time, I focused on having fun and even asked my classmates what techniques they used. After class, I practiced more and had more fun. I started talking to my instructor about what I love in art and the techniques I'm trying. That passion has made more of an impression in that class than anything else I could have done.
Now, I have nearly half of my sketchbook filled and the private school kids are asking me what I'm doing. Best of all, I've become friends with a lot of them and have been able to schedule 'sketch-alongs' where we go around town and draw together, which has made my life, and my art, more fun.
Feelings are just feelings. They can drag you down or lift you up, it just depends on how you use them.13 -
One meal does not make a diet. Don’t judge others based on what you’re seeing... just because they look skinny doesn’t mean they’re healthy; just because they eat a large meal or snack around you doesn’t mean they do that all day every day. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is a long game. There’s always something hidden so never assume you know the whole story.2
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The same way I turn off those feelings regarding anything important to me. I acknowledge the feeling, explore why I feel that way, accept those memories/instincts/experiences, and refocus on my enjoyment of the journey.
For example, I'm wanting to be an artist. I'm in art class and there's some people who are from private schools, got to take a class in portfolio development, and have been displayed in galleries and sold paintings. They also displayed their work in class and used a lot of the instructor's time.
I felt jealous, feeling it wasn't fair that I didn't get those opportunities, and frustrated that I wasn't good enough because I was a low-income, public school, foster kid that had worked full time in high school.
After class, I stopped and acknowledged that feeling. I asked myself why I feel that way and listened to my answer without judgement. I wrote in my journal about a hurtful experience in high school that was relevant. Then, I practiced and when I went to the class next time, I focused on having fun and even asked my classmates what techniques they used. After class, I practiced more and had more fun. I started talking to my instructor about what I love in art and the techniques I'm trying. That passion has made more of an impression in that class than anything else I could have done.
Now, I have nearly half of my sketchbook filled and the private school kids are asking me what I'm doing. Best of all, I've become friends with a lot of them and have been able to schedule 'sketch-alongs' where we go around town and draw together, which has made my life, and my art, more fun.
Feelings are just feelings. They can drag you down or lift you up, it just depends on how you use them.
This post, and especially the very concrete and specific story about art classes, is a brilliant example of becoming excellent at living a happy life. You found the levers of change in yourself and the situation, you moved those, and your life changed: Exemplary.
Kudos!6 -
I don't remember anyone mentioning this yet, but I just wanted to note that it's ok to not compare yourself to others who have it worse off than you. That's perhaps especially true when doing so only makes things worse. I know more than a few therapists (including my own therapist) who think comparing yourself to others who have it worse is a very bad plan. Then of course there are whole modalities where comparing oneself to others is more or less perscribed - DBT is one of them.
What's important is that you find what works for you.1
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