Empathy is also motivation and support (a slight rant?)
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Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
there is a time and place for knowledge and advise, especially when one is soliciting that.
but sometimes you need a virtual "that sucks" kind of hug/pat on the shoulder.
and that's what I'm missing.2 -
nighthawk584 wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Calories in Calories out. That's NOT "imaginary". Pretty straightforward and simple if one has the will to be consistent with it.
that's not the issue. the issue is how one is feeling even though they are doing the CICO/TDEE/all other things "right". The "feeling" is what needs empathy. Not once again suggesting xy or z when one is already following xy or z.1 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"
Then I'd suggest you talk to those on your wall.11 -
Op you said
you are misunderstanding me.
If I clearly say
I know "xyz" but I'm just frustrated right now
then it's ALSO AN OPTION TO SAY
"I know you are working hard and I am sorry you feel frustrated"
.
If you said "I know about toothpicks but I still have spinach in my teeth and I am so very frustrated about it" which is more helpful?
A. I know you stil have spinach and am sorry you feel frustrated about it
OR
B. Oh I get it, have you tried dental floss? The flat waxed kind works best for me
you are missing the point of EMPATHY entirely.
spinach in my teeth is something different to a feeling of frustration after doing "all the things that everyone says you should do" and not seeing results.2 -
people think they are doing all they can. or they think they are doing it "right" but here are people who've walked the path before you and are trying to help.
if you don't like them, delete them as friends. no one is making you keep them.8 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »nighthawk584 wrote: »In one way or another we all understand what you are going through with weight loss issues. Just cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading helps no one! Sharing advice or things that work or worked for us does! It's ultimately up to you to be your own motivator. I gave you a hug.
I'm not asking for cheerleading for the sake of cheerleading. I'm saying stop giving one's so called expert knowledge (because unless you are a doctor or an RD or you are inside my body , you don't know for sure) when someone clearly says they are just frustrated. Just be empathetic. you don't have to have the answer or take out your imaginary tool box to give someone a tool they already tried to use.
Then you probably shouldnt post questions where anyone can answer, if you want to control the answers you receive. 🤷🏼♀️
I am talking about posting on my own MFP wall. not in a general forum.
You have control over who sees your wall, so if you feel like people are not giving you the kind of support you feel you need, there's a pretty simple solution - remove those people.
The kind of support you want, might not be the kind of support others give. I personally don't like the kind of support you're looking for, I prefer constructive criticism or advice so I choose to have people who do so on my list and lose those who are the ra-ra cheerleader kind.
This after all is not real life and you're not be-holden to anyone here.
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runlaugheatpie wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »Here's human nature (from me, the expert.)
If you tell someone about a problem you have, they want to help. It's not judgey or mean for them to want to help you.
If you don't want people trying to help you, don't tell them about your problems.
They would be happier and so would you.
nice. glad we aren't friends.
You sound fun! :flowerforyou:
I am actually.
You sound like you don't know what the word "empathy" means.
But... you're complaining about people on your FL... in the forums... I am so confused. I need more coffee. 🤦🏼♀️16 -
A few things:
- sometimes posts I see aren't clear, whether the person is looking for sympathy (venting) or looking for actual advice
- human nature?
- specifically the nature of your MFP friends?
I vent occasionally on my wall. Some express sympathy. Some give advice (that I agree or disagree with).
I comment on others' posts occasionally. Sometimes with encouragement, sometimes with advice. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what people are looking for on MFP (advice or encouragement, or both).6 -
I find people want to help and provide what they feel is constructive and/or helpful advice when one is frustrated. I understand where you would like for people to respond with an empathetic response vs a constructive/helpful one...but being a highly sensitive and empathetic person myself the irony for me is I don’t want you to tell me “that sucks” I want the opposite. I want you to offer me what has perhaps helped you even if I am already doing it...having said that people are going to respond in the way they feel it would be most helpful if it were they themselves in the same scenario.
Btw hang in there, it is unfortunate if you feel you are doing all the right things with no results...you just have to stay the course. Best of luck!4 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"
Ditch them and get new friends.10 -
It’s just random people on the internet. Be your own cheerleader. Use ALL the resources available. There’s never going to be 100% support. Keep on applying what works for you. Skip over the rest. Every time we post on a public forum, we open ourselves up to other’s opinions. 🤷🏻♀️ That’s just the way it is, something’s will never change.6
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Have you posted this rant on your personal feed? Have you tried reaching out to the people who gave advice to tell them that’s not the response you were looking for?
Have you defriended the ones you feel are most egregious in their “tough love/no empathy”?
Bringing your complaints over here and not clarifying up front that this wasn’t about some thread you started in the forums, but rather an issue with feedback on your personal feed, is an example of you not communicating to my expectations. Should I start a thread about how people complain and don’t provide full details? Maybe I should post it on my own wall so my friends wonder if my vague assertions are directed at them?
Many of us are still around here after years of participation because we have knowledge and advice to share and countless people find that helpful. I don’t look for blind support on here, cheerleading or empathy. That’s what my husband and real life friends are for. When I struggle I want to know what to do about it. I’ve always gotten great advice here and I pride myself on trying to do the same but it’s going to be direct and science based. To me that’s the best kind of support I get and can give.17 -
Also you pick your own friends. If you're not happy with the people you picked then pick new ones and be specific that you aren't interested in helpful advice. I had a woman who sent me a friend request along with other people. The next day she posted saying that we were all to respond to her posts everyday and cheer her on. One guy said "sorry I don't post much" and I thought "you know, I'm not interested in being this woman's cheerleader", so I wrote something similar. I was quickly disfriended. I was so happy.10
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RelCanonical wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"
Ditch them and get new friends.
I did. Now I'm Nancy Nofriends
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runlaugheatpie wrote: »RelCanonical wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"
Ditch them and get new friends.
I did. Now I'm Nancy Nofriends
Lol good, I'm also Nancy Nofriends. I know who my friends are in this forum without putting them in a list.5 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »RelCanonical wrote: »runlaugheatpie wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Define real friends?? I 'like' many people on the forums here, like what they have to say BUT I wouldn't go as far as to say any of them are my friends. And many, I have found, are very intimidating.
With that said, and this is JMO but some people come off as definite know-it-alls. While, sure, a little knowledge goes a long way, more knowledge, or picking apart every single solitary word, is over the top annoying.
Is there something wrong with simply showing empathy or compassion or understanding? Is it more important to be kind or right??
No one HAS to post. If you are not getting what you want out of the forums or find certain posters intimidating, irritating, picky, not sensitive,........well maybe the forums are not for you. Trying to change how the forums here work would be difficult. There are rules. Has anyone broken them? If they have you can contact the mods.
I'll repeat myself again. i'm talking about posting on my own MFP wall. So the audience is just "friends"
Ditch them and get new friends.
I did. Now I'm Nancy Nofriends
Now you can be your own cheerleader.... hope you find what you need. 🎉🎉5 -
Now you can be your own cheerleader.... hope you find what you need. 🎉🎉
thank you but that's why I'm here. I don't want to be my only cheerleader. I'm alone in this. and sometimes I'm frustrated. I see it here in the forums too - assuming someone "must" be doing it wrong, "possibly" is a diabetic, that sort of thing. I wanted to have friends on MFP to support and give support. I chose the wrong ones. Now I'm alone again. And even most people here aren't even getting the "empathy" thing. How hard is it?
I am doing this for 10+ years; it's a lifetime thing. If I wasn't my own cheerleader already I would not still be trying.
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snowflake954 wrote: »Also you pick your own friends. If you're not happy with the people you picked then pick new ones and be specific that you aren't interested in helpful advice. I had a woman who sent me a friend request along with other people. The next day she posted saying that we were all to respond to her posts everyday and cheer her on. One guy said "sorry I don't post much" and I thought "you know, I'm not interested in being this woman's cheerleader", so I wrote something similar. I was quickly disfriended. I was so happy.
I am interested in helpful advise!
But when I post "I know x y and z, but I'm just frustrated" how is that your (general you) cue to start telling me what I'm doing wrong, or "I already told you blah blah blah"? Do you not know the difference between when someone is asking for advise and when someone just needs a virtual hug?1 -
WinoGelato wrote: »Have you posted this rant on your personal feed? Have you tried reaching out to the people who gave advice to tell them that’s not the response you were looking for?
Have you defriended the ones you feel are most egregious in their “tough love/no empathy”?
Bringing your complaints over here and not clarifying up front that this wasn’t about some thread you started in the forums, but rather an issue with feedback on your personal feed, is an example of you not communicating to my expectations. Should I start a thread about how people complain and don’t provide full details? Maybe I should post it on my own wall so my friends wonder if my vague assertions are directed at them?
Many of us are still around here after years of participation because we have knowledge and advice to share and countless people find that helpful. I don’t look for blind support on here, cheerleading or empathy. That’s what my husband and real life friends are for. When I struggle I want to know what to do about it. I’ve always gotten great advice here and I pride myself on trying to do the same but it’s going to be direct and science based. To me that’s the best kind of support I get and can give.
does it really matter if it was on my feed or in the forum? I see it here all the time as well. Empathy is missing.2 -
runlaugheatpie wrote: »
Now you can be your own cheerleader.... hope you find what you need. 🎉🎉
thank you but that's why I'm here. I don't want to be my only cheerleader. I'm alone in this. and sometimes I'm frustrated. I see it here in the forums too - assuming someone "must" be doing it wrong, "possibly" is a diabetic, that sort of thing. I wanted to have friends on MFP to support and give support. I chose the wrong ones. Now I'm alone again. And even most people here aren't even getting the "empathy" thing. How hard is it?
I am doing this for 10+ years; it's a lifetime thing. If I wasn't my own cheerleader already I would not still be trying.
Good Luck either way... :flowerforyou:
Everyone is different and eventually you will find the support you are looking for. However, as vague as things were here I am not sure if people on the internet can offer you what you need. 🤷🏼♀️6
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