Need to Lose 100 LBS -Robins Thread !

It's been very hard. So many miles driven, so much anxiety, increased emotions/rollercoaster, increased sleep issues. However, I am home now, and won't be going back out of state for any stays in the foreseeable future, as my stepfather has passed away.

I'll be honest: I can't attribute it all to emotions over my stepfather passing away. I know for a fact that sleep issues are a major contributor, and not being in a regular fitness routine has also brought adherence issues, but I will own that I consciously chose to sabotage on multiple occasions. I have a feeling that I'm probably within 5 pounds of where I "truly am" for weight, which means I've pretty well erased this year's progress. I'm not sure if/how medication changes are contributing at this point, but it is what it is regardless.

Truly, it's amazing I didn't gain more, based on the sheer volume of calories I was taking in. In a way, it's all the more disappointing for it, as it indicates to me that I really had made more progress than the scale indicated, but have thrown that progress away.

If there is one positive to be had from the COVID-19 Pandemic Panic though, it's that my family was able to spend time together. Also, my daughter being out of school for what will likely be the rest of the school year has altered my approach to fitness as of last week. There are both pros and cons to this, but in general it is positive as working with her will at least provide consistency in a baseline.

Being real with myself in my head hasn't helped me much either. Back in September when I started making changes to be healthier, I had an inspiration that helped me wage the war in my head. Thinking on it more and more as time goes, I realize it is unrealistic and I'm setting myself up for what will very likely be a catastrophic freefall in the future. It is heart-breaking in the worst way to try and set this aside. I feel like there's little to be fought for without it. I'm trying to remember that I need to keep fighting, if nothing else, for the sake of my daughter, but as she continues to mature and become more self-sufficient, it seems more like a hollow argument. For now, I will refrain from action for her sake, and will at least try to distract myself as possible and return to a baseline of "checking boxes."

I've been vacillating lately between "why am I eating/drinking anything" and "eat all the things" (which has been where I've been at most of the time). Now that I've arrived back at home and have to restock groceries, I will probably try to go back to a regimen based on fundamentals and attempting to harness the "why" road in a reasonably productive way. I will at least be returning to the pattern of leaving my purchasing methods at home when I'm going out of the house unless they're absolutely necessary. I'll probably start to walk to the grocery stores as well (which are a few miles away).

It's so funny how professionals and people in general talk about how people can feel better if they focus on changing in positive ways and do those things. I've been trying, for the most part, for more than 6 months now, and though I am physically healthier for it, I don't feel better. I've tried the "fake it until you make it" outlook, pretending to be fine and forcing myself to interact with the real world, but it is getting really hard to put energy into faking it even at the most basic levels. But as things stand, I'm resigned to continue breathing each day I wake up. And to at least continue to make my step goal even if it means walking in place.

Current macro targets:

Minimums:
Protein: 143 grams
Carbs: 25 grams
Fat: 45 grams

Fat to include 10 grams EFAs all days

Commitments:

1) Intake: >1,075 kcal/day
2) Exercise: >=30 minutes, 6 days/week
3) Rest day(s): >=1/week (<1,100 kcal deficit)
4) Be accountable: logging intake and checking in on accountability threads.

Goals:

1) Strength training: 2+ days/week
2) Indoor rowing (**with good form**): 1,000 meters >=3 days/week (on hold while gym has altered availability)
3) Musical instrument practice: >=10 min, 3 days/week
4) Caloric deficit (50+ kcal under): >=6 days/week

2019/09/14: 240.7
2019/09/21: 238.8
2019/09/28: 234.6
2019/10/05: 230.8
2019/10/12: 231.0
2019/10/19: 226.9
2019/10/26: 223.8
2019/11/01: 219.6
2019/11/09: 215.6
2019/11/16: 212.7
2019/11/23: 209.2
2019/11/30: 203.9
2019/12/07: 201.3
2019/12/17: 199.7
2019/12/21: 196.7
2019/12/28: 197.3 (Planned maintenance break)

I've resigned myself to allow more flexibility during "these trying times." Trying indeed. At least I think I've got myself to a point where I've been able to stay under an MFP calculated overage of 1,500 (less than 1,000 over on most days).

Somehow I think I've managed to get more NEAT in or something, because it doesn't seem like my weight/fat is really going up. I'm due for a water jump next week, so I'm mentally preparing for that, as I don't know what that will look like in a maintenance cycle. Also, I think I've been generally maintaining since my return, as the weight drop between then and now seems to be more indicative of losing "road weight" (extra stress on body/water retention). Which is crazy, considering the numbers that I've seemed to be running (and I've tightened up my logging since returning, so I know things are pretty darn close). Guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

I allowed protein to take a back seat, as I've been in effective maintenance. I let it slide too much a few times though, so I'm going to make a concerted effort to get at least triple digits this coming week, regardless of how the other macros fall.

My city is preparing for lockdown. I'm not fond of this, but I guess it is what it is. I have come to terms with the fact that strength training will need to take a back seat, at least for now, and though I'm walking less, now that the weather is good, I aim to exceed my exercise minutes each day by doing both a dog walk and a solo or team with daughter walk. This should also help with feeling like I have some space to myself, as we're all stuck at home a lot (other than the three adults who work out of the home (not me, as I work electronically)).

It's been hard in the mental/emotional adjustment category, and I'm still not sleeping well at all. The Dr. ordered a few med changes again, and perhaps that will help things iron out. I remain skeptical, but will give it a try. If nothing else, perhaps it will help me get to a point where I feel like I can handle going back into a regular deficit, because even just trying for 50-250 kcal below MFP calculated maintenance hasn't been doable on a sustained basis.

Hope things are going at least OK, if not well, for you all.

Current macro targets:

Minimums:
Protein: 143 grams
Carbs: 25 grams
Fat: 45 grams

Fat to include 10 grams EFAs all days

Commitments:

1) Intake: >1,075 kcal/day
2) Exercise: >=30 minutes, 6 days/week
3) Rest day(s): >=1/week (<1,100 kcal deficit)
4) Be accountable: logging intake and checking in on accountability threads.

Goals:

1) [ON HOLD] Strength training: 2+ days/week
2) [ON HOLD] Indoor rowing (**with good form**): 1,000 meters >=3 days/week
3) Musical instrument practice: >=10 min, 3 days/week
4) Intake <= 3,000 kcal per day unless exercise brings it above.

2019/09/14: 240.7
2019/09/21: 238.8
2019/09/28: 234.6
2019/10/05: 230.8
2019/10/12: 231.0
2019/10/19: 226.9
2019/10/26: 223.8
2019/11/01: 219.6
2019/11/09: 215.6
2019/11/16: 212.7
2019/11/23: 209.2
2019/11/30: 203.9
2019/12/07: 201.3
2019/12/17: 199.7
2019/12/21: 196.7
2019/12/28: 197.3 (Planned maintenance break)

Average kcal intake last week: 2,501/day (2,800 goal met, 2,700 goal met, 2,600 goal may be met today) All days landed within 250 kcal of the respective goal.

Average protein intake: 120.8/day (137 goal with 100/day threshold) All days met the threshold, but overall I fell short of what I was aiming for.

EFA goal met, minimum or better fat intake per day (45g) met.

Instrument playing goal was once over the week. I did not meet this.

Exercise: 7 outings, 5 days. Aiming for 6-7 days/week, so this was just missed.

Current step goal: 5,100, all days met (current completion streak is at 116 days).

I'm going to continue to alter the goal downward as mentioned before: so long as I'm meeting the goal within 250 kcal, I will alter downward after three days under goal, by 50 if I'm 100 or less from goal, and by 100 if I'm 100-250 under. I'm on track to adjust by 50 tomorrow if I keep on pace today. I think I need to adjust my protein low threshold to 120, as I think I am probably nearing the point where I'll cross into a true deficit. My weight has dropped, but from what I can tell, it's digestion/related weight at this point. I'm not really looking forward to the adjustment, but will try to figure out ways to get the flavors I've become accustomed to over these last few months to make the transition smoother.

As much as I'm still struggling, I'm still managing to "tick the boxes" for the most part. Yesterday ended up being just shy of a crash day, so I hit the brakes and let it be, because I do not want to go there if I can avoid it. Frustrating, as most of my crash episodes are "late month" and this is still early month. I don't know what is holding me back from practicing, even just for 10 minutes once per week. I just can't bring myself to do it. Hopefully I'll meet that stepping-goal sometime and begin to make progress toward that true goal.

I think, as long as I continue to meet or increase my activity comparatively to the prior week, I need to give myself credit for progress. I did this over the last week. Pending weather (and no crash-y warnings from my body), I hope to get out with the dog every day. I'll be increasing my step goal to 5,200 today. I look forward to hopefully hearing from my gym in the coming weeks that the restrictions will have eased to the point where I can get back to normal strength training.

Current macro targets:

Minimums:
Protein: 143 grams
Carbs: 25 grams
Fat: 45 grams

Fat to include EFAs: 1,800 EPA and 1,200 DHA all days.

Commitments:

1) Intake: >1,075 kcal/day
2) Exercise: >=30 minutes, 6 days/week
3) Rest day(s): >=1/week (<1,100 kcal deficit)
4) Be accountable: logging intake and checking in on accountability threads.

Goals:

1) [ON HOLD] Strength training: 2+ days/week
2) [ON HOLD] Indoor rowing (**with good form**): 1,000 meters 3 days/week
3) Musical instrument practice: >=10 min, 3 days/week
4) Intake <= 2,800 kcal per day unless exercise brings it above.

2019/09/14: 240.7
2019/09/21: 238.8
2019/09/28: 234.6
2019/10/05: 230.8
2019/10/12: 231.0
2019/10/19: 226.9
2019/10/26: 223.8
2019/11/01: 219.6
2019/11/09: 215.6
2019/11/16: 212.7
2019/11/23: 209.2
2019/11/30: 203.9
2019/12/07: 201.3
2019/12/17: 199.7
2019/12/21: 196.7
2019/12/28: 197.3 (Planned maintenance break)

Average kcal intake last week: 2,321/day (2,600 goal met, 2,500 goal met, 2,400 goal met) All days landed within 250 kcal of the respective goal.

Average protein intake: 132.4/day (137 goal with 120/day threshold) 6/7 days met the threshold, overall I fell short of what I was aiming for, but not by as much as last week.

EFA goal met, minimum or better fat intake per day (45g) met.

Instrument playing goal was once over the week. I finally did meet this, though marginally.

Exercise: 6 outings, 6 days. Aiming for 6-7 days/week, so met this.

Current step goal: 5,200, all days met (current completion streak is at 123 days).

According to weight trends, I am now slightly into deficit territory (to the tune of an estimated 0.1 pounds per week). With this milestone, and with my ability to now make it through the day at reasonably controlled calories (there have been several days now where I've needed to eat a lot in the evening to meet the minimum part of the landing range), I think I'm ready to try a new step-down strategy to what I am going to try for at least a month.

The plan is to go with goals with 100 kcal landing ranges (within 50 on either side), transitioning to a pattern to support weightlifting once I get back to the gym, which could *maybe* happen as early as the end of the week. Today and tomorrow I'll be aiming for the ballpark of 1,850 kcal, Monday will be 2,200, Tuesday will be 1,850 again. Pending this goes well with adherence, Wednesday and Thursday will be a step-down to 1,450, and Friday will be 2,200. The 1,450/2,200 pattern will be where I will land for a month, and depending on how I feel at the end of that month, I may allow a 100 kcal drop at that point, but 1,300 will be my stopping point.

The 2,200 days will be strength training days. I'm not sure if there will be two or three a week yet, and may keep that flexible, as I've got knee niggles going on to where I'm being super careful to avoid a major injury. But I am committing to doing at least two days at this level of intake per week regardless of how things are going with training.

The lower kcal days will be the non-strength training days, regardless of whether I do any cardio work or not. I'm not doing anything wild and crazy (like a Zumba or bootcamp class or whatever), so it should be very doable. Especially when compared to the tight programming I was on before everything crashed and burned a couple of months ago with life events and COVID restrictions.

My estimated weight loss based on these new targets versus where I'm at right now should land me around 1 pound of fat burned per week. It's slower than I'd like, but if it's more successful in the long-run, it'll be worth it. I may add extra walking in, and possibly rowing if I can get this nerve issue figured out, to increase the deficit and fat burning, but I need to keep a consistent structure for intake.

Ticking the boxes has been a successful method, so far, for getting a baseline of self care and such. The structure has been good in that I have daily stuff and weekly stuff, and though I don't enjoy it, and multiple things approach very negative feelings, I know the lists have been logically created and are allowing me to have at least the outward appearance of approaching normalcy for some aspects of life, regardless of how things are really going. Most people don't understand, so by doing this I should generally avoid hospitalization, and also avoid some of the negative/judgmental stuff with others.

I'm going to stick with the activity structure I've got, where a mile counts as a day done, and I'm increasing my step goal by 100 each week. I'm not near my weekly average yet, so it truly only affects my super-sedentary days (which will unfortunately include today and tomorrow as I am trying to specifically give my knee more rest to avoid major injury).

Current macro targets:

Minimums:
Protein: 143 grams
Carbs: 25 grams
Fat: 45 grams

Fat to include EFAs: 1,800 EPA and 1,200 DHA all days.

Commitments:

1) Intake: >1,075 kcal/day
2) Exercise: >=30 minutes, 6 days/week
3) Rest day(s): >=1/week (<1,100 kcal deficit)
4) Be accountable: logging intake and checking in on accountability threads.

Goals:

1) [ON HOLD] Strength training: 2+ days/week
2) [ON HOLD] Indoor rowing (**with good form**): 1,000 meters 3 days/week
3) Musical instrument practice: >=10 min, 3 days/week
4) Intake <= 2,800 kcal per day unless exercise brings it above.

2019/09/14: 240.7
2019/09/21: 238.8
2019/09/28: 234.6
2019/10/05: 230.8
2019/10/12: 231.0
2019/10/19: 226.9
2019/10/26: 223.8
2019/11/01: 219.6
2019/11/09: 215.6
2019/11/16: 212.7
2019/11/23: 209.2
2019/11/30: 203.9
2019/12/07: 201.3
2019/12/17: 199.7
2019/12/21: 196.7
2019/12/28: 197.3 (Planned maintenance break)