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is MFP more important than marriage?

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  • AnnPT77AnnPT77 Member, Premium Posts: 16,752 Member Member, Premium Posts: 16,752 Member
    There is a word missing - I take it 'died' - he died a little over 21 years ago?

    As OP of this thread which surprisingly has kept limping along since my wedding anniversary back in Feb - marriage is more important than MFP.

    If MFP collapsed tomorrow it would be disappointing but not devastating.

    If my husband died/left it would be more than mildly disappointing. :*

    Yes. Died. Oops. Freudian slip, denial? ;)

    For more clarity: I loved him, still miss and mourn him. But given that loss, and other things about how my life has rolled on since, I have no interest in another life-partner relationship. MFP is no substitute, but it's a nice thing for its own sake, in its own place.

    Ironically, my husband (a sweet and sensitive guy) had recently decided not to get another dog, because he didn't want to go through that kind of loss again. I don't think my reasoning is analogous, but it's still ironic.

    Apologies for the digression! :)
  • TonyB0588TonyB0588 Member Posts: 9,182 Member Member Posts: 9,182 Member
    My husband and I are on lucky number 13!! Definitely has not been easy & times when we both wanted to give up, but at the end of the day he really is my best friend and I couldn’t ask for a better father for our children!

    Giving up is not an option. Just hang in there and make it work.

    Congrats on your 13 years. Turn those digits around to 31 and add another, and that makes 32 happy years for us.
  • 4legsRbetterthan24legsRbetterthan2 Member, MFP Moderator, Greeter, Premium Posts: 18,290 MFP Moderator Member, MFP Moderator, Greeter, Premium Posts: 18,290 MFP Moderator
    If anything happened I dont think I would have any interest in another romantic partnership either - I sort of feel been there done that and once is it for me.

    I sort of feel the same. Maybe boyfriend or whatever if one grows on me, but I kind of feel like I would prefer living on my own again. But, maybe not and I would get lonely? I would definitely have a dog though!
    edited July 5
  • manderson27manderson27 Member Posts: 3,469 Member Member Posts: 3,469 Member
    I can't imagine having to train another husband. This one is pretty much perfect. So if anything happened to part us I think I would probably not go looking for a replacement. I am ok with my own company, however having said that I really do enjoy a good debate and I would miss that.
  • AnnPT77AnnPT77 Member, Premium Posts: 16,752 Member Member, Premium Posts: 16,752 Member
    I can't imagine having to train another husband. This one is pretty much perfect. So if anything happened to part us I think I would probably not go looking for a replacement. I am ok with my own company, however having said that I really do enjoy a good debate and I would miss that.

    While acknowledging that you phrased that in an amusingly provocative way (I assume intentionally ;) ), that's pretty much where I am on the question, too, deep into long-term widowhood. The first few years of living together - I would think - would always involve some working things out, to get into a mutually happy way of being together. (Did, for sure, in my marriage.) After that, it seems smoother sailing, though for some a change in circumstances can disrupt equilibrium, of course.

    The later years? Pretty sweet. People always say one shouldn't take their partner for granted, which is true in a certain way . . . but in another way, the stage where one can take them for granted - be certain of friendship, loyalty, support, more - is a great gift.

    Me, I'm not as flexible as I was at age 22, when I got married - much more set in my ways. Added to that, demographics limit the field, at my age (the thing people call "all the good men are taken, or gay" ;) , though I think that's a little extreme). I was a "difficult placement" in the first place even at 22, I'd say, and I doubt that's improved with age (now 64).
  • KosmosKittenKosmosKitten Member Posts: 8,126 Member Member Posts: 8,126 Member
    Hmm, 13 years last month. Our cats (2 of 3) are also 13 now.

    Not sure, but I don't think MFP existed back in 2007. If it did, apologies. However, even the other calorie counting site I was a member of, I didn't join until 2012. It is defunct, which is how I ended up here.

    As for divorce, well.. my folks were married for *almost* 25 years. Literally, they were less than a month away when they decided to divorce. So clearly, you can "survive" marriage after 7 years and still divorce. Not sure how they put up with it for that long if they were miserable. They are both remarried now and have each been remarried for over a decade at this point. Good on them as my step-parents are cool people.

    Got a question: Why is 7 years the magical number for most people to decide they are fed up with another person they had a contractual obligation to? You'd think they'd get bored/fed up sooner than that.
  • eatpolerepeateatpolerepeat Member Posts: 20,663 Member Member Posts: 20,663 Member
    I'd heard 3 and a half was the new 7. Good on you guys who've lasted longer 😏

    I've never been married but survived a 10 year relationship
  • 4legsRbetterthan24legsRbetterthan2 Member, MFP Moderator, Greeter, Premium Posts: 18,290 MFP Moderator Member, MFP Moderator, Greeter, Premium Posts: 18,290 MFP Moderator
    Hmm, 13 years last month. Our cats (2 of 3) are also 13 now.

    Not sure, but I don't think MFP existed back in 2007. If it did, apologies. However, even the other calorie counting site I was a member of, I didn't join until 2012. It is defunct, which is how I ended up here.

    As for divorce, well.. my folks were married for *almost* 25 years. Literally, they were less than a month away when they decided to divorce. So clearly, you can "survive" marriage after 7 years and still divorce. Not sure how they put up with it for that long if they were miserable. They are both remarried now and have each been remarried for over a decade at this point. Good on them as my step-parents are cool people.

    Got a question: Why is 7 years the magical number for most people to decide they are fed up with another person they had a contractual obligation to? You'd think they'd get bored/fed up sooner than that.

    There was probably some fed up or boredom before that. It's probably around the time you realize things are never going to change the way you want. I also wonder how much it has to do with some stage of having kids.
  • freshstart180213freshstart180213 Member Posts: 170 Member Member Posts: 170 Member
    my 10 year anniversary is on July 22nd we have survived my serious health issues, three children (one was premature and had time in hospital) three (now sadly two) dogs and a global pandemic i think we are still going strong lol
    edited July 8
  • AlexandraFindsHerself1971AlexandraFindsHerself1971 Member Posts: 1,320 Member Member Posts: 1,320 Member
    My nearly 25-year marriage ended in 2018. Partly it was about weight and health, but not just physical health. He was a hoarder, and a food addict, both, and after his heart attack he got much worse on both scores; I lasted five years after the heart attack before I realized trying to live with him under those conditions was making me suicidally depressed. We had 20 mostly good years and two wonderful sons, though.

    I'm with people now who make me feel much better about myself and which are much more healthy relationships.
  • Sunnysouth92Sunnysouth92 Member Posts: 30 Member Member Posts: 30 Member
    Divorce is not an option for us, we believe the Bible teaches that. We have been together nearly 11 years, married 8 and a half. I was converted over the time we got married. We had some growing pains. We had infertility struggle the first few years then 3 children in less than 5 years. I was young and immature, but i believe God put us together and he's perfect for me even if he isnt "perfect" and I'm glad he loves me but challenges me to do better too.
  • terrmaddenterrmadden Member Posts: 13 Member Member Posts: 13 Member
    My nearly 25-year marriage ended in 2018. Partly it was about weight and health, but not just physical health. He was a hoarder, and a food addict, both, and after his heart attack he got much worse on both scores; I lasted five years after the heart attack before I realized trying to live with him under those conditions was making me suicidally depressed. We had 20 mostly good years and two wonderful sons, though.

    I'm with people now who make me feel much better about myself and which are much more healthy relationships.

    I can relate. Same exact story with me, but instead of a heart attack, he was let go from his job of 25 years, which sent him into a depression spiral so strong that I almost killed myself just by living in the same house. That, and I was over the 3 years of sleeping in the guest room and living like unhappy, hateful roommates. I’m still dealing with my own food addiction and binging, but it’s on my own terms now. Hugs to you
  • AlexandraFindsHerself1971AlexandraFindsHerself1971 Member Posts: 1,320 Member Member Posts: 1,320 Member
    And just for the record, my view on divorce is that it's like cutting your leg off. You don't do it for a hangnail. You don't even do it for a broken toe or a dislocated ankle. You do it when the foot is dead, the rot is spreading up your leg and it's going to kill you if you don't. Given that I was beginning to get suicidal, it was time.
  • lorimiller18lorimiller18 Member, Premium Posts: 23 Member Member, Premium Posts: 23 Member
    21 years and counting for us. MFP 8 years.
    edited September 2
  • tbright1965tbright1965 Member, Premium Posts: 851 Member Member, Premium Posts: 851 Member
    Since I sporadically come here to the forums and make contact with my wife daily, I'd say marriage is more important.

    Not for the sake of marriage, as I had one before this one. She ended it months (or years) before informing me of the fact and eventually divorce was better and less expensive (fiscally as well as emotionally) than trying to keep her around. (Did I mention I was able to pay off $70k in debt WHILE the divorce was on-going? Having my then estranged spouse limited to Child Support gave me the free money to pay off the debt she rang up while we were married.) So not all marriages are worth being saved. Some should be allowed to die a natural, if painful death.

    Heck, I don't think I've even spoken with my ex for about 7 years now when she tried her manipulation game on me saying our daughter really shouldn't come live with me because of her anxiety. (She wanted to go to High School in my community and I wouldn't lie and say she lived there when she lived in a neighboring community with her mom, so it was you have to actually live here if you want to go to High School here deal.) I told my ex that since she wasn't honest and forthcoming when married, why would I trust anything she said now.

    I guess I should have said that years before as that ended all communication from her. Daughter came to live with me and has since graduated both High School and College since then. (She was an honor student and we have a program where such students can attend community college for their last two years of HS. She graduated HS with both her HS and an Associates Degree, allowing her to complete a Bachelors in two more years.)

    My wife has been a great partner and helps me grow. She doesn't just see me as a resource to be manipulated, but as someone who is a person, a partner.

    I cannot imagine finding another woman like her.

    Just like Manderson27 said above, I cannot imagine the work needed to train another wife should my wife pass away before I go. Not to mention how few people like her there are out there. She doesn't see me as another kid, but an adult human who, while I may think differently, have just as much value as she does. She doesn't subscribe to that offensive notion that a husband is just another kid to care for.

    It's been 13 years for my bride and me, and looking forward to many more. Should MFP go away, it would be an inconvenience, but I imagine I could find an app or other technology to track my meals and exercise. The forums are a sporadic part of the experience for me.
  • tbright1965tbright1965 Member, Premium Posts: 851 Member Member, Premium Posts: 851 Member
    Wonder if it is more meaningful to look at the area under the curve. Given the graph indicates the odds of being divorced by the next anniversary the area under the curve should approximate the divorce rate for marriages.

    Just thinking out loud here...
    AnnPT77 wrote: »
    threewins wrote: »
    xvwc9na4vxd6.jpeg
    I always have found this graph shape interesting.

    Yeahbut, run that X-axis up to 100%, and it's a whole different graph. :lol:

    For interpretation, we have our choice between "Yikes! Three times higher divorce rate at 4-8 years vs 26 and beyond!" or "Single digit divorce rates all the way through, but making unsuitable choices usually shows up by year 8 or so", or variations on those themes.

    That depiction encourages one kind of interpretation over the other.

    P.S. I was married for almost 21 years. It probably would've lasted, but he a little over 21 years ago. I hope MFP is more important than marriage, because only one of those two is in my life now . . . and that's how I like it now, too.

  • Tesha231Tesha231 Member Posts: 225 Member Member Posts: 225 Member
    If we can make it until tomorrow, my hubs and I will celebrate 37 years. lol
  • chocolate_owlchocolate_owl Member Posts: 1,500 Member Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    Tesha231 wrote: »
    If we can make it until tomorrow, my hubs and I will celebrate 37 years. lol

    Congratulations!!!


    I started MFP (on another account) in 2010. We've had an on-again, off-again relationship for 10 years. It's been a LOT of drama (I'm hangry, what do you MEAN I'm out of calories??!) I may have been guilty of manipulation a few times in this relationship (hmmm, I don't want my green curry to be 800 calories, let's see if there's an entry for 600). I have definitely lied (nope, not gonna log that glass of wine tonight). At times, I've just walked away, sometimes for a year. There have been celebratory times, like when I finished losing 30 lbs (the first time, ugh) and hit new lifting PRs. There have been flirty times when I've posted hawt swimsuit photos. There's some security in knowing that no matter how much I might use it and abuse it, MFP will always take me back.

    I met my husband in 2011, started dating in 2013, and I've been married since 2014, so I guess I've been with MFP longer. But I'm always honest with my husband. We don't fight or have drama. I've certainly never walked away from him. We, uh, get a lot farther than flirty. MFP doesn't hold me when I cry about my appearance or my health or my pain. MFP doesn't do all the household chores I hate just because it loves me. Husband and I will be celebrating 6 years at the end of this month, and I'm not really worried about making it to 7 <3
    edited September 2
  • tgillies003tgillies003 Member, Premium Posts: 232 Member Member, Premium Posts: 232 Member
    Celebrating 29 years next month!!
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