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@_sw33tp3a_11 I'm so sorry. I hope things turn around quickly for you. I'm one of those people who believe in dorky sayings like 'when one door closes, another one opens'.
We're here if you need us.
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Trigger warning: SA, CSA, Child abuse.
I am a CSA survivor, I was abused for 9 years that I can recall but I have significant memory loss and blank spaces from early childhood so it actually could be longer. I went to the police once when I was a kid but then I spent MONTHS being convinced that I had to be mistaken because it was too hard for the adults to wrap their heads around. I was coerced into saying that I lied so that It would all get swept under the rug and now I have lived with that stigma of being a liar for 18 years. My husband knows about my abuse but not the identity of my abuser. My best friend knows my entire story which I only recently told her last year. Other than this I have nobody else to talk to. Therapy is expensive. I realize that I should speak with a professional and work through this properly but that's not an option for me as I lost my job to Covid and have been living on unemployment while my area is still under strict lockdown. Ive spent my entire life keeping this secret so I could probably keep waiting it out until my abuser is dead. I figure once they're gone ill write a tell all book about it and send it to every adult that ever told me I was wrong. If they're lucky I might even sign it for them first.
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_sw33tp3a_11 wrote: »I got some bad news on Monday that impacts my livelihood. I've been a mess since then. I cried all day today. I cried before I went inside the store. I cried after I left the gym. I feel like unplugging from everything and everyone. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong.
So sad to read this, I'm sure it must be scary, and I understand a lot of your feelings. It's ok to unplug for a while and cry, knowing that we'll all be here when you return. Sending you much love and hope for a more positive turn in the near future. You are an amazing lady and deserve awesomeness in your life.0 -
ExerciseExtraFries wrote: »Trigger warning: SA, CSA, Child abuse.
I am a CSA survivor, I was abused for 9 years that I can recall but I have significant memory loss and blank spaces from early childhood so it actually could be longer. I went to the police once when I was a kid but then I spent MONTHS being convinced that I had to be mistaken because it was too hard for the adults to wrap their heads around. I was coerced into saying that I lied so that It would all get swept under the rug and now I have lived with that stigma of being a liar for 18 years. My husband knows about my abuse but not the identity of my abuser. My best friend knows my entire story which I only recently told her last year. Other than this I have nobody else to talk to. Therapy is expensive. I realize that I should speak with a professional and work through this properly but that's not an option for me as I lost my job to Covid and have been living on unemployment while my area is still under strict lockdown. Ive spent my entire life keeping this secret so I could probably keep waiting it out until my abuser is dead. I figure once they're gone ill write a tell all book about it and send it to every adult that ever told me I was wrong. If they're lucky I might even sign it for them first.
My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine what you suffered and still endure. Are you in Canada? I believe that if you get a medical referral for therapy, some (or all) of the costs are covered by the government (but you have a waiting list). ..
While I know that my struggles are nowhere near yours, I have found a few support groups online where it has been helpful just being able to talk with others dealing with the same crap as me. Maybe that can help you on those dark days?
Sending you love as you work through this.2 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »ExerciseExtraFries wrote: »Trigger warning: SA, CSA, Child abuse.
I am a CSA survivor, I was abused for 9 years that I can recall but I have significant memory loss and blank spaces from early childhood so it actually could be longer. I went to the police once when I was a kid but then I spent MONTHS being convinced that I had to be mistaken because it was too hard for the adults to wrap their heads around. I was coerced into saying that I lied so that It would all get swept under the rug and now I have lived with that stigma of being a liar for 18 years. My husband knows about my abuse but not the identity of my abuser. My best friend knows my entire story which I only recently told her last year. Other than this I have nobody else to talk to. Therapy is expensive. I realize that I should speak with a professional and work through this properly but that's not an option for me as I lost my job to Covid and have been living on unemployment while my area is still under strict lockdown. Ive spent my entire life keeping this secret so I could probably keep waiting it out until my abuser is dead. I figure once they're gone ill write a tell all book about it and send it to every adult that ever told me I was wrong. If they're lucky I might even sign it for them first.
My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine what you suffered and still endure. Are you in Canada? I believe that if you get a medical referral for therapy, some (or all) of the costs are covered by the government (but you have a waiting list). ..
While I know that my struggles are nowhere near yours, I have found a few support groups online where it has been helpful just being able to talk with others dealing with the same crap as me. Maybe that can help you on those dark days?
Sending you love as you work through this.
Online support groups (in addition to this one) is a great suggestion. Also I bet there are non-profits out there that give free counseling for victims of SA. I’m so sorry you not only had to endure the physical abuse, but the mental abuse of labeling yourself a liar that went along with it.
When you can afford it, I hope you can get some trauma therapy including somatic, EMDR, etc. I’ve also recently read about Stellate Ganglion Block.1 -
Thank you ladies for your suggestions and thoughtful responses.
Its been really therapeutic for me to talk to others about the stuff I've held in for so long. I am in Canada so I'll check into the medical coverage side of things. 5 -
Hi all,
I'm like 33 pages behind on everything but as the OP noted, some people get driven away because their tone doesn't quite "fit" with the community on here. When I joined years ago I was very active with my friends, a lot of fun banter back and forth, even took it off MFP to chats and along the way things happened, fell out with some MFP buddies and became less social on here. A lot of it was stuff going on with my life - career move, moving to another city, work stress, etc. All of that changed my view of the world and the people around me. I mean, I was always a bit cynical but the past year has made me dislike humanity as a whole more. That's a bit dark for some people.
I left a career near the end of 2020 because of the pandemic and the emotional and financial stress that came with it. I left something I enjoyed and had done for a decade for the sake of my mental health and now I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I took a job for the paycheck because a girl's gotta pay bills but I hate it so much. Going into work fills me with rage.
I'm now in this weird limbo (almost like a midlife crisis) where I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life. Do I try to go back to what I was doing before? Do I want to? Do I consider another career path?10 -
desertfoxcoffee wrote: »I'm now in this weird limbo (almost like a midlife crisis) where I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life. Do I try to go back to what I was doing before? Do I want to? Do I consider another career path?
See if you can find a career coach or a life coach to help you sort this out.
A friend of mine used to do this type of counselling with people who had lost jobs due to redundancy or downsizing, help them identify where they wanted to go and how to get there. Unfortunately she's been retired for several years now.2 -
I have never felt good enough or appreciated. I get up every day work 50 hours a week but I feel I need to be doing more. I don’t feel a man can be loved unconditionally because there are always conditions. We are our value in what we can provide and i don’t feel like I provide much.11
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I just can't deal with This *kitten* anymore. I've been going to a shrink since I was 25- the meds have taken care of certain things. But my mind tortures me daily by causing painful flashbacks from childhood. Earlier this year I was feeling very suicidal(this feeling was controlled with meds) I just wanted to od on my sleeping pills. I speak to a therapist now so I am feeling better but the flashbacks, if they could stop then maybe I could continue to exist.10
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ExerciseExtraFries wrote: »Thank you ladies for your suggestions and thoughtful responses. Its been really therapeutic for me to talk to others about the stuff I've held in for so long. I am in Canada so I'll check into the medical coverage side of things.
If there is a SA centre in your area reach out to them too. A family member of mine got counseling through our local one decades after and I know my family member would tell you it’s so important for your well-being to deal with it as early as you can.
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Kind of an offshoot from @americanasbacon's post. How does one find their purpose? Is there even such a thing? Do we just go about our days, hoping for the best? How do you find that one thing that matters so much to you that you can make it your life's goal or mission? Especially when there are so many aspects about the community, world, etc., that you want to change? How can 1 person conceivably make that much of a difference, unless you're like Greta Thunberg.
I guess this isn't really a dark side, just a lot of self-reflection. But then I do have a dark side so it counts, right? 6 -
Kind of an offshoot from @americanasbacon's post. How does one find their purpose? Is there even such a thing? Do we just go about our days, hoping for the best? How do you find that one thing that matters so much to you that you can make it your life's goal or mission? Especially when there are so many aspects about the community, world, etc., that you want to change? How can 1 person conceivably make that much of a difference, unless you're like Greta Thunberg.
I guess this isn't really a dark side, just a lot of self-reflection. But then I do have a dark side so it counts, right?
I don't think you have to necessarily have to have a grand goal or mission to make a difference. I figure it's a lot of little things that ripple. You pick up trash on your walks because it's the right thing to do and a way you can make a difference. Someone sees you doing that and thinks "hey, I could do that on my walks" and soon they are and someone sees them.... it just goes on and on.
All the things we do just because we're considerate people just keep going. You hold the elevator door for someone who is running for it and they make it to their job interview on time and get the job - you just changed their world (ok, that's not likely but it's a nice thought). You smile at someone and it makes them feel better and makes their day just a bit brighter. So they smile at others, etc., etc.
I know it's really Pollyannish but I do believe all those little things can add up to big things. On the flip side, I am a horrible cynic sometimes and have no faith in people to do the right thing.9 -
desertfoxcoffee wrote: »Hi all,
I'm like 33 pages behind on everything but as the OP noted, some people get driven away because their tone doesn't quite "fit" with the community on here. When I joined years ago I was very active with my friends, a lot of fun banter back and forth, even took it off MFP to chats and along the way things happened, fell out with some MFP buddies and became less social on here. A lot of it was stuff going on with my life - career move, moving to another city, work stress, etc. All of that changed my view of the world and the people around me. I mean, I was always a bit cynical but the past year has made me dislike humanity as a whole more. That's a bit dark for some people.
I left a career near the end of 2020 because of the pandemic and the emotional and financial stress that came with it. I left something I enjoyed and had done for a decade for the sake of my mental health and now I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I took a job for the paycheck because a girl's gotta pay bills but I hate it so much. Going into work fills me with rage.
I'm now in this weird limbo (almost like a midlife crisis) where I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life. Do I try to go back to what I was doing before? Do I want to? Do I consider another career path?
Thank you for sharing this with us. It really struck a chord in me.
MFP is an ebb and flow kind of thing. (Kind of like fitness often is). Sometimes you're all in and active and vibing with everyone, and sometimes you just need to retreat, focus on self and in person stuff, and take care of the immediate needs. Both are ok and wholly acceptable. I'm sad to hear that you had some falling out with friends - that's tough and it takes time to recover from lost friendships.
I also had some painful MFP experiences which tarnished the site (and humanity) for me for quite some time. Eventually though, it got easier and better. This past year, in particular, has made it very difficult to like humanity on the whole. So many angry, cruel, selfish and hurtful people - and all of them seemingly screaming at the top of their lungs. Sometimes it feels like you can't escape... and I think that maybe because we're more locked down, we're online more than ever, and it can be overwhelming.
All of the above is just my wordy way of saying that all of what you describe is normal, incredibly relatable... and also incredibly hard to deal with.
I hope that things ease for you. Being in a job you despise is incredibly soul sucking, so I hope that a new opportunity arises that better suits your skill sets and that things start turning around for you. I think we've earned an uptick.
*sending you all the good vibes*7 -
Thanks @RAinWA
And @KickassAmazon76 Wish you could feel those hugs in reality when they're given. As well as everyone else who could use them. 2 -
Thanks @RAinWA
And @KickassAmazon76 Wish you could feel those hugs in reality when they're given. As well as everyone else who could use them.
Awww thank you. 😊 🤗 Hugs right back!0 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »desertfoxcoffee wrote: »Hi all,
I'm like 33 pages behind on everything but as the OP noted, some people get driven away because their tone doesn't quite "fit" with the community on here. When I joined years ago I was very active with my friends, a lot of fun banter back and forth, even took it off MFP to chats and along the way things happened, fell out with some MFP buddies and became less social on here. A lot of it was stuff going on with my life - career move, moving to another city, work stress, etc. All of that changed my view of the world and the people around me. I mean, I was always a bit cynical but the past year has made me dislike humanity as a whole more. That's a bit dark for some people.
I left a career near the end of 2020 because of the pandemic and the emotional and financial stress that came with it. I left something I enjoyed and had done for a decade for the sake of my mental health and now I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I took a job for the paycheck because a girl's gotta pay bills but I hate it so much. Going into work fills me with rage.
I'm now in this weird limbo (almost like a midlife crisis) where I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life. Do I try to go back to what I was doing before? Do I want to? Do I consider another career path?
Thank you for sharing this with us. It really struck a chord in me.
MFP is an ebb and flow kind of thing. (Kind of like fitness often is). Sometimes you're all in and active and vibing with everyone, and sometimes you just need to retreat, focus on self and in person stuff, and take care of the immediate needs. Both are ok and wholly acceptable. I'm sad to hear that you had some falling out with friends - that's tough and it takes time to recover from lost friendships.
I also had some painful MFP experiences which tarnished the site (and humanity) for me for quite some time. Eventually though, it got easier and better. This past year, in particular, has made it very difficult to like humanity on the whole. So many angry, cruel, selfish and hurtful people - and all of them seemingly screaming at the top of their lungs. Sometimes it feels like you can't escape... and I think that maybe because we're more locked down, we're online more than ever, and it can be overwhelming.
All of the above is just my wordy way of saying that all of what you describe is normal, incredibly relatable... and also incredibly hard to deal with.
I hope that things ease for you. Being in a job you despise is incredibly soul sucking, so I hope that a new opportunity arises that better suits your skill sets and that things start turning around for you. I think we've earned an uptick.
*sending you all the good vibes*
*hugs* thank you. It's always nice to find someone how can relate to what you're going through. Love your photo by the way. Huge Wonder Woman fan. 1 -
Kind of an offshoot from @americanasbacon's post. How does one find their purpose? Is there even such a thing? Do we just go about our days, hoping for the best? How do you find that one thing that matters so much to you that you can make it your life's goal or mission? Especially when there are so many aspects about the community, world, etc., that you want to change? How can 1 person conceivably make that much of a difference, unless you're like Greta Thunberg.
I guess this isn't really a dark side, just a lot of self-reflection. But then I do have a dark side so it counts, right?
I JUST shared this yesterday. It was from my son's school Director (who's the most amazing person I know) and something I think I needed to hear.
https://fb.watch/5ixdVwENCh/2 -
americanasbacon wrote: »I have never felt good enough or appreciated. I get up every day work 50 hours a week but I feel I need to be doing more. I don’t feel a man can be loved unconditionally because there are always conditions. We are our value in what we can provide and i don’t feel like I provide much.
I know this feeling. My sense is that people appreciate and value me a lot more than I realize. That doesn't make me feel any better, but it also doesn't make it untrue.
FWIW.3 -
mom23mangos wrote: »Kind of an offshoot from @americanasbacon's post. How does one find their purpose? Is there even such a thing? Do we just go about our days, hoping for the best? How do you find that one thing that matters so much to you that you can make it your life's goal or mission? Especially when there are so many aspects about the community, world, etc., that you want to change? How can 1 person conceivably make that much of a difference, unless you're like Greta Thunberg.
I guess this isn't really a dark side, just a lot of self-reflection. But then I do have a dark side so it counts, right?
I JUST shared this yesterday. It was from my son's school Director (who's the most amazing person I know) and something I think I needed to hear.
https://fb.watch/5ixdVwENCh/
It would be an understatement to say her day is busy and likley overwhelming on a regular basis. That was a good, short video with a lot of reflective points. Thanks for sharing @mom23mangos1
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